My brother and I
don't talk anymore.
Not even if we run into each other
at a party.
With him ****** and me very drunk.
A hello is as far as it goes.
We pass each other silently
in the corridors of my home.
Things are different
slowly but suddenly.
We used to walk the halls of the school
holding hands,
even up until seventh grade.
Well he was in sixth.
Everyone told us they were so jealous,
best friends and family.
We planned to grow up
and have houses with adjoining yards.
We would share a pool.
But my brother died two years ago.
Now even if I try I am disappointed.
Want to go on a walk?
His eyes stare blankly ahead at the computer.
When sharing the kitchen space,
Do you remember that time
we broke the tire swing?
Not really he mumbles
with the slam of the fridge door
as he slips out of the room.
He'll come out of this.
People tell me all the time.
I don't really think
people come back from the dead.
Yet, every day I find myself
checking his features for signs of life.

sinister smile
that smirk you throw at me when you say something dreadful
about my dress
or my hair
or the way i laugh
that smirk you throw at me
in between breaths
when my breath smells like coffee and toothpaste
and you press your mouth on mine anyways
i'll always laugh

you mean so much
but i hate to say i love you
because it doesn't describe anything
it's all *******
i know
and i know i could live without you
but tell me
why the hell would i want to?

I was manic
I was caught up in a daze
You were all that I had left
But you were counting down the days
I swore I saw the corner of your lips
Curl up into a smirk
When I told you I couldn't love again
I'd loved so much
It hurt
I should've known the day we met
You'd feast on all my pain
The sadness I had come to know
Left a pattern on my brain
The games you'd play
The lies you'd say
But the way you'd hold me...
Until the day I walked away
I'd never let you do the same

last summer
I met a boy of 6 feet tall
he is two years older than me
he listens to punk rock
has an alcoholic father,
and his kisses
are sweeter than honey
and softer than silk

we spent countless, long, dreamy
cold, rainy, humid
nights
in my backyard
with the smell of too much hairspray
which I can not bring myself to smell again
and mosquito spray which I never apply anymore
11pm
4am
the hours passed by like minutes, seconds

under the stars
telling secrets
I was scared
scared of losing him
even though he was already lost

fading
disapearing
slowly and then all at once

hallways
silence
stares
me alone
him and her

11pm
4am
hours seem like eternitys, milleniums
crying
flashbacks
thinking about the us that will never be
blood spills on the paper
spelling out your words, promises
do I even cross his mind
maybe  probably not  no

I'm sorry I wasn't
skinny
pretty
funny
admirable
good
enough

I'm sorry

we didn't even say goodbye

goodbye, Brandan