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It's been awhile since I last saw you
I heard that you found her
The perfect girl
That is not me
And you treat her like a princess
While I am obsessed
With listening to the voices in my mind
Telling me to die
You gave me a million reasons to leave
But you always gave me one to stay
You broke me
In ways no one could fathom
But I held on
To the cliff that was you
Until one day
I decided
To fall into its murky depths
And let the water
Take me away
And into the deep
The day I started to actually breathe
Was the day that you took those breaths away from me
Those breaths became shallow
And jagged
Like my lungs were craving
The sweet taste of oxygen
That only you could deliver to me
Through your soft lips
And hands that explored places I never thought it would
But then came the day
That the air through your lips
And the feeling of your hands
On my rough skin
Left me for the last time
And on that same day
I finally took the blade to my pale skin
And took my last breath I would ever take
On this living hell we call the world
how could someone just leave your life
and act like it never happened?

oh yeah.

it means they never cared in the first place.
if i'm not allowed to love you
then what am i supposed to do
with the butterflies every time i see you
or the smile i get when i hear your name
or the deep feelings in the pit of my stomach
when our hands touch
or eyes meet
and at night
when i lay awake
wanting you
that i know
that the world does not want me to be happy
As everyone stepped over me
one by one
they kept walking by

you're the one
who actually stumbled upon me  
and picked me up out of the mud
to clean me up
and take me home
creds to my boyfriend <3
being stabbed 1000 times
through the chest
with a rusty blade
over and over again
with your feelings and emotions
gushing out of you
feels the same
as someone telling you
that they don't
love you anymore
I can't take back
The words I never said
Because they stay on my tongue
Like liquor on a alcoholics breath
i need to learn that it gets harder
and harder
to rid of the toxins
others call love
because our stars will forbid to cross
and you will never explore my galaxy
for the endless depths of feeling
i have for you
All girls have a dream
To be loved by someone
Boy or girl
And to grow old with them
But for me
That dream will never exist
Because of one person
Who ruined me
And because of them
I will cease to exist
And I will drown in my own sadness
my mind has been lost
in a maze
full of
thoughts and feelings
that in a while
will **** me
i didn't know that
letting you go
would end up hurting me the most
and making me do everything
to keep from going back to you
I'm only tripped out
by the thought of you
and burning by
the feeling of your hands
on my hips
but the sad thing is
when i'm sober
the high goes away
and reality hits
who knew
that words would hurt
just as bad as
the blade
that was tearing my skin
I never thought
that you could love me
because i never even knew
how to love myself
I never knew
how much you could help someone
until they were in need
of someone
or something
when they felt alone
and tired
and sad
and didn't know what it felt like
to be cared for
death inspires me
like a dog inspires a rabbit
or a lion inspires a gazelle
or a storm on the horizon inspires a bird
or a wolf inspires a lamb
or me whenever i think of you
when you took the only thing i had left

my sanity.
shoutout to twenty one pilots <3
how could I know
that your presence
your touch
your taste
your smile
your lips on my neck
could possibly be so addictive?
forbidden love is a *****
I used to know what happiness felt like
It felt like
I never thought that I would be brought down
Like a wall
With strong bricks
But then my happiness
Went away
Like you
On that summer's night
And then I started to listen
To the demons in my mind
Little did i know
that you would haunt me
little did i know
that you would break me
little did i know
that you wouldn't stop me
little did i know
that you would end up killing me
i never thought that anyone could love me
until the day i wasn't there
to love anyone else
or myself
how could
so much
talked to

guess it
must be
you are like a beating heart
spreading yourself through my body
through veins and arteries
healing me
because i
did not know
how to heal
I had no clue
that standing in the room
screaming at the top of my lungs
would cause
no one to even acknowledge
my existence
I remember that night that we fell in love
In my room
Listening to the sound of each others' heartbeats
Our breathing becoming jagged and shallow
Our faces getting closer
Feelings going haywire

And then I woke up
And found myself alone in my bed
The blade still in my hand
And then I remembered that night
Like a memory lost in time
And thought about why you left
Because of her
And how I would never be good enough

So in that moment
I let the sadness overcome me
And take me to its hell
And I thought
Why me?
you were my rock
my stable being
my beloved
my breath in my lungs
the main reason i was still here

until one day
you left
out of the blue

and i am still here
living in my own sadness
and you still haunt
torture me even
and still seem to speak to me
like a whisper in the wind
Someone once said to me
"The sky is sad, just like your eyes."
I've just come to understand this
That the reason the sky is so sad
Is because the heat of the sun
Leaves it's dark depths every night
Just like you
When you left me standing there
That cold winters night
In the frightening depths
Of my own terrifying thoughts
And years of feelings
That visit me every night
In my head
And tear me apart
From the inside out
my scars
do not define
who i am
but define
the reasons why
i am
who i am
when i think of the lines and scratches
that scatter my hips and thighs
i realize that each one
is a release
a small bliss
of the sizable pain inside me
i like to imagine
that if i left
that the world
would be better off
without me
since i am
just a waste of space
i am like a snowflake
i think i am beautiful
for just an instant
and then i am gone
in the blink of an eye
gone from the cold frozen tundra
of the world
my mind
does not work
like everyone else

it stores everything
good or bad
like a crashed software

that has been beaten up
and  failed to be fixed
and just has given up
i hate knowing
that if i was gone
like the moon when the sun rises
that no one would miss me  
and i ceased to exist
People say that time heals the heart
But I believe that is not always true
Because it has been so long since you left me
Standing there on my front porch
With mascara running down my face
And my heart still in your hands
And your breath still lingering on my lips

Time never heals
It only leaves scars
That with memories left behind
Will burst open again at the seams
And replay themselves in my head
Over and over again
Like a broken record
Or and old black and white movie
And with time
Will devour me from the inside
not only do the drugs
and alcohol
drown out the pain
but they also allow me
to drown out myself
and when i finally decided to let you go
you showed me the one thing
that you said was never a lie
and that was behind all the black and white
you hid more than the truth
but how you knew how to break me down
and torture me from the inside out
I love how
when you sleep
all your problems disappear
for just a little while
but my problem is
trying to go to sleep
with all of my thoughts
screaming at me
to stay awake
a best friend
is someone you can
make jokes
until the end of time
this is for my best friend who i love so very much <3
i really cant believe
that you cant see
how broken and torn
you left me
laying there
on the floor
aching and wishing
i knew what i did wrong
Why are we controlled
Like mindless robots
In this society
We live in
they always say
that best will always come out in people
but how can the best come out
when i don't even
have any left in me?
when i first met you
i thought that you were to good for me
but now as i have figured out
i am not good enough for me
Here's to the New Year
A new me
But little do you know
That I will not change
I will stay the same
And so will my mind
In the ****** up state
It is already in
Because of you
And your demons

— The End —