I should always be first priority,
Only second best to your family.
Not to some stranger you don't know,
Not to your hobbies.
I am bitter when you place me
As your afterthought, as something
That will always be available.

She'll come to you, you don't have to go to her.
She initiates the dates and puts up with the waits,
As you always seem to arrive "fashionably" late.
And say you want to get her in bed, that's a piece of cake.
She doesn't even put up a wall for you to break.
It's just so easy for you to take, take, take.
It's just too easy to not appreciate.

Sometimes I'm left wondering -
Did you enslave me or did you set me free?
Your selfish actions posed as my best company.
A sense of power is what you gave to me;
In return, I granted you a sense of relief.
It was some kind of silent agreement that we reached.
It was some kind of agreement begging to be breached.
I still think of you sometimes, and I have to ask,
"What was he thinking when he did that?"
It disturbs me that most of it was just an act.
It hurts me that you didn't use more tact.

And after he finishes,
The adrenaline stops.
I am left all alone,
All alone with my thoughts.

The memories come flooding back,
And suddenly I am young again.
Suddenly it's so hard to pretend
That I am okay.

At that moment I am just a girl,
Defenseless, confused, and seeking refuge
In my own little world.

They all form a circle
Tightly woven like a sweater
With no extra room
No space at all,
Not even for me.

She needs you because she feels,
And when she does, it's all too real.
Conveniently,
You are her fantasy.
Through you she lives vicariously -
The bitter queen of apathy.

He empowers me
Has me feeling I can conquer anything
Do I love him?
No,
But a certain kind of respect
And a clear sign of acknowledgment
Must be given
When he speaks
And when he listens.

There's a saying that we are our own worst enemies.
The more I learn about myself, I have to agree.
It is not my friends nor my family
That will end up being the death of me.
Words in my head, words so mean,
Words that drive me to cry and scream.
Sometimes I can't believe this is happening;
Sometimes it all just feels like a bad dream.
The more you live in your own head, the more you hide,
The more you suffer and the less you confide
In the people who could help you understand why
You shouldn't believe in these horrible lies.

I know what I said;
I know what I did.
Here you are claiming
It never happened.
I know how you are;
I know your routine.
Here you are claiming
You're not any different.
Here I am, alone,
In my perception.
Am I crazy,
Or just a victim of clever deception?

Is it cheating
To rely on another person
To make you feel whole,
To make you feel happy
When the whole time
You should be doing that
For yourself.

Trust me, I am the perfect assassin.
I've been trained perfectly, to seek out my enemies,
Anyone who appears weaker than me.
I can sense that lack of strength from a mile away.
I can take them all down in less than a day.
I know what kind of words will make them cringe;
I know how to fight, I know how to win.

I remember the first few times
When I just tried to put it out of my mind.
I would replay the events and edit each part.
I would switch the finish with the start.
A chaotic scene, a jumbled mess.
Images racing through my head.
After I pressed pause, part of me stopped.
Then another part just started back up.
I'm moving forward while I'm standing still.
I'm feeling that friction; it's giving me chills.

Sometimes a sickly smile spreads
Right across my face
When I know I have provoked
Some kind of deep emotion
Within another person
And I know it's not a real smile
It's not even really me
Or at least it's not the way I ever want to be.

Clumsily, carelessly spewing out words
That now I would take back, if I could.
I idolized you, losing my value,
Standing by as your ego just grew.
Now I only have myself to blame
As you look down on me
With no intention of equality.

Underappreciated,
For overworking.
And yet look at what you expect!
A smile every day and a simple
'No problem, I can take care of it.'
And you answer the phone,
Take your several smoke breaks,
Try to impress the higher ups,
While looking down on all of us.

Cruelty covers my tears
In an opaque veil
So you can't even tell
How affected I am.

I could say you were mistreated,
You were abused.
But no - you were just spoiled.

I could say you are depressed,
That you're different from the rest.
But no - you're just spoiled.

I could say you'll change,
That a new you can be arranged.
But no - you'll always be *spoiled.

I crawl into bed, naked,
Leaving no excuse to leave.
My body melts into the sheets,
Every limb relaxing,
Every part of me letting go,
Except for my mind.
It races and demands my attention,
Like a child incessantly tugging at my sleeve.
I turn over and pull the blanket up.
Warmth envelopes my fears,
Engulfes my cares.
Still, my stubborn brain carries on.
I fight back with vivid fantasies of closing my heavy eyes.
A fight that I win, at least for tonight.
Goodnight body, goodnight mind.
Tomorrow is another day.

The flimsily crafted walls, they're
Crumbling down,
All around me.
You thought it was real;
It was only a dream.
A bad, bad dream.

Or at least I wish it was.

With nothing much else to do,
We would grab a couple of purple prickly pear margaritas
And I remember how delicious they were
And how the bartender didn't hold back
Yes, they were strong.

And I would giggle, I would act ditzy.
Just because it was fun, and it got your attention.
You would roll your eyes at me sometimes
But not really in a mean way.

And we would grab some coney dogs, devour them like they were nothing.
Then we would fight about something.

We would drive all the way to the city
Stroll through the casinos aimlessly,
Because we were financially irresponsible,
But not that financially irresponsible.
Afterwards, you would buy me a delicious ice cream.

Then you would tell me all the places you wanted to take me, and all the events you wanted me to experience.

We really did give it our all.

But life is cruel, and our best wasn't good enough.

You make the choice.
You can either carry on, or give up.
You can laugh about it or you can cry.
You can keep quiet or speak your mind.
You can cling to your independence with all your might,
Or learn how to ask for and accept help.

...You can go for it, or you can just get out.

Poor pathetic girl
Thinks that she'll always fail
Thinks all her friends are not real
They are as good as enemies to her
The line between power and love
So perfectly blurred.
She sees evil in innocence,
Innocence in evil.
She does not know if she should hate or pity the devil.
Should she be kind or cruel to those who hurt her?
Do they have good or bad intentions - she can't decipher.
Well, she always has to be the best at whatever.
Always has to be charming, always has to be clever.
Putting herself under all of this pointless pressure.
Why can't she admit that she does need others?
Why can't she see that people do care?
Why has she been walking the path to nowhere?

I remember that day,
That day you walked with me.
I remember it felt like peace and harmony.
It was refreshing in all of its simplicity.
My friends, my family, they all neglected
What I had to say, the questions children ask every day.
It did not matter what kind of attention you gave.
Even if it was negative, it was a drug that I craved.
You may not have understood, but you knew it, didn't you?
You knew that I truly, desperately needed you.
Exploitation was your art.
I wish I had seen it; I wish I was smart.

Look at the mirror
See ugly
They take your picture
Feel ugly
A compliment that you're pretty
When you're
Ugly, ugly, ugly.

Some days I wish I could just disappear
I close my eyes and imagine running far away from here
I am so lost, and I need you near
But when I wake from my delusion, you're no longer there

I like you.
Sometimes I don't know why.
You act so arrogant, but then you act shy.
I've come to see so many different sides
Of you.
You try to be confident despite insecurity
Brewing underneath the surface constantly.
I guess I admire that about you, surprisingly.
You are everything a human is, undoubtedly.
I wish I could tell you that I care,
That no matter what, I want to be there.
I never do, simply out of fear.
It's hard for me to open up to those that are near.

You have no idea
What you've done
The harm you've caused
The arrogance you thrive on
The darkness you create
For all those around you.

Sacrifice isn't always an act of nobility
It can be a way of living
For some people
Who have been conditioned
And persuaded
To believe that the love from others
Comes with the loss of yourself.

You don't want to see this side of me
It is vicious and unforgiving
It is cruel and unrelenting
And you, my friend, happen to be
Right smack dab
In the crossfire.

I am so out of luck.
Nightmares, burning up,
I'm drowning in this withdrawal.
I do not want to be someone else;
I do not want to need this help.
Pressure on my chest, bizarre thoughts.
It is a flood of pain,
When you have everything to lose
And nothing to gain.

Do you feel that silence
Burning into you
The fury of what you did to me
You took away absolutely everything
And expect me to smile like nothing's happening.
I hate you, I hate you, I hate you.
I can't say it enough.
And if you miss hearing from me,
Well, tough.
I never got the chance to really grow up,
Always bound to you like glue.
There are just some things you shouldn't do
To a fourteen-year-old girl who's so confused.
I even told you all about what I had been through.
Still, you crossed all boundaries then tried to blame who?
You blamed me, you placed all the blame on me,
For being young and naive,
For not being able to see
When people were taking advantage of me.
You weren't even here to help or protect,
How dare you act like you've always treated me with respect.
You were downright abusive, don't you forget.
You've filled me with so much guilt and regret,
When you haven't even looked at yourself yet.

Trained to mistrust
To question
To smell out a lie
From miles away.

Trained to guard her
The inner child
She has no defenses
She opens herself up

And I close her
Bury her
Shelter her
Underneath these layers
Of doubt and deception.

My arms wrap around you
Until everything disappears
It's just us, lying peacefully here
Finally, I can breathe
Hum quietly in your ear
The night slides by easily
Whenever you are near.

You're making me nervous, the way that you smile,
And how you're so kind to me,
It's sickening.
I don't want a special someone, I don't want anything.
Yet you're making it hard for me to say no.
You're piquing my interest, so now I think you should go
Before we lose it, and it all spirals out of control.

I feel some strange connection to you though.
Like every time you walk by me, I just know.
When you compliment me, I feel a warmth inside,
And though I don't want to appear weak, it's too much to hide.
Yet all of these silly rules by which I have to abide,
Are stressing me out, can't we just cut the lies?
I'm so tired of these butterflies;
The nervousness is eating me alive.

You remind me of him,
Living life on a whim.
Chance of facing consequences is slim.
Deceptive and dangerous, charisma's contagious.
The way you insist on having control is outrageous.
I guess I'm just getting to know you in stages
And I don't like the person underneath all those faces.

Shallow people crave shallow love.
It's all they know, all they're made of.
Somewhere along the line, they never learned
How to have compassion, how to wait their turn.
They are high maintenance, always vying for your attention.
If they feel they don't have it, they throw a tantrum.
Self-esteem? Yes, I think they should get some.
Respect for others? They really have none.

I am not your ragdoll.
I am a human being.
You obviously have no idea what that even means.
You abuse everyone around you,
Especially the weak.
You even hurt those that have no voice to speak.

You sicken me, and I wish I had never known you.
You were calm one moment then furious out of the blue.
I think back to all those terrible things you would do.
Twisting my arm, saying you could break it if you wanted to.

Love was just something you never knew.

Like a case of fine jewelry,
My vulnerability is on display.
It would be locked up tight though,
If I had my way.

One blink, and I might disappear in front of your pretty eyes,

Leaving you to always wonder why.

It's funny how I feel for you
Like when you make the sky turn a perfect blue
Like when you make it all seem so brand new
All these beautiful things you do.

I am not in love with you like a boy loves a girl
And you are not the center of my world
Yet you are such an important puzzle piece,
Such an essential part of me.

I won't flash you a scowl, I'll flash you a smile.
It stings a lot worse and burns for a while.

Please stop looking at the world with a black and white filter,
Painting it like a biased picture.
Your mind wants to think simple; it does not want to think deep.
I think you're afraid of taking that leap.
Don't tell me what to believe, at the very least.
Everyone has their own soul, so unique.
We can all think for ourselves, we don't need to keep
A guidebook around like a flock of sheep.

He looks down on me
Not with belittling eyes
They are soft, softer than the pillows on his bed.
They are a deep brown that swallows me, distracts me from everything terrible.
They are addictive, absolutely necessary for me to get through the day.

I can't understand why I do it
Every day, it drives me insane.
If only I believed I was better than this.
If only I respected myself more.
Living life the same, day after day.
I just want this monotony to go away.

Cold, icy, mean.
The unforgiving queen.
Hurt by the past, she strikes back.
She ruins anyone in her path.

Just like all of us,
I was poisoned with premature development
Of the mind, of the body.
Go ahead, blame technology.
It's only part of the problem at the end of the day,
Really just about as harmful as electromagnetic waves.
You can't see them when your sight has been limited,
When the programming for your mind is forever set to primitive.
It's sad that all of us have to pay the price
For the richest of the rich
And their greedy vice.

You act so ditzy
It's sickening
Everything about you is
Fake, fake, fake.
I can't even look in your eyes;
They're blank.

Would I ever love to
Stomp you down
Until you believe
That nothing you do
Means anything