Planting subtle seeds of uncertainty,
Like a well-orchestrated symphony
At the right time, right tempo,
The manipulation is all mental.

Can't help but be bitter, can't help but be sad.
It's like everything falls apart, everything I've ever had.
How does this even happen, how can it get so bad?
I just want to heal; I don't want to stay this mad.

How can I forgive them when I cannot forget
The pain that they caused me, from the time we first met?
Putting it behind me now seems to be my best bet,
But if it were that easy, why haven't I done it yet?

Closing my eyes
Trying to envision some kind of prize
A gold medal at the end of the day
Could it wash my apathy away?

Sometimes we think we can escape
With a pill, or a drink.
Sometimes we perfect pulling the wool
Over our own eyes.

I lay down now,
The world melting around me.
My blood pressure dropping infinitely.
I breathe in, let a sigh out
As the world spins recklessly about.

You have no idea what it's like
Seeing life as a power struggle
The imaginary scoreboard in your mind
Created not by your choice
Yet so engrained that it becomes a reality
Comparing yourself to everyone and everything
Making sure you always have the upperhand
It's sickening.

I have something I love to do
Something that gets me up
Every morning
That I love, that I care for

It brings me life, reminds me why
I smile even when it's hard.

Blending days
Long, boring haze
Of nonstop work
As I waste away.

Fake, fake, fake.
Whatever could it take
To break your false exterior,
To believe you're not superior?

Pain, pain, pain.
What is it that you gain
By inflicting it on others
With absolutely no shame?

Will I always sink back into this?
The cold, smooth acceptance of your apathy
The kind of apathy that whispers
'I don't really love you,'
While it turns the other way,
Far, far, away from you.

I wake up to a new day,
Not really new;
Everything goes the same way.
I pretend I have control,
It's a stupid game I play
While time continues wasting away.

I've been living on...
Fake smiles,
False promises,
Long days,
Lonely nights,
Fairweather friends,
And strong stimulants.

Somehow I'm still hungry.

I walked all the way
To the edge of the earth
Just to say
I got there first
And it's funny how much we thirst
When second best is as good as cursed.

It is not greed,
The thirst for riches.
It is not lust,
The hunger for skin.
It is not wrath,
The delight in spilled blood.
It is not sloth, jealousy, gluttony, or pride.
It is simply evil,
Devoid of complexity,
Absent and empty.
It is all-encompassing, surrounding you, surrounding me,
In a cloud of poison, toxicity.

You were there
Right there
And you could hear me calling
Calling out for help
Can you still hear it now?
Because back then
You chose not to listen.

Two faces
Two different places
These facades she likes to wear
Can you bear
The truth, of which you are aware
Now that you have seen
Both faces.

I am made of Kevlar,
Solid and strong.
Your hurtful commentary
Just bounces off of me
And your negativity
Leaves no scars.

This is where you end
And I begin.
I'm not backing down,
I'm not giving in.
This isn't a game,
I'm not out to 'win.'
Won't let you control me,
Getting under my skin.

Cradled in his father's arms, he cried.
He blocked out the nurses, the other patients, even me
So that his parents were the only people he could see.
'Am I going crazy?' He asked them, choked by his own tears.
Only eighteen years old.
He was just a boy.

Here I am, sitting, wondering
What you're thinking.
It's dangerous,
Your love.
It pulls on me in all the right places.
You're the king of my thoughts,
A ruler of my feelings.
I know this cannot be healthy.

Hold on to your pride.
Clutch it like a mask
On a diving, burning plane.
Only let go when you're alone,
Screaming as the altitude drops,
Cold reality seeping in around you.
Everything is falling, and you are mortal.
You will finish in the same place
As everyone else.
You will breathe your last breath
As everyone else.
You will have regrets and questions
As everyone else.
Get ready to come down here
With everyone else.

I trust women;
I fear men.

I need women;
I want men.

I respect women;
I ridicule men.

I love her;
I lust after him.

That day in Charleston -
There was the perfect blend of chaos.
A weapon, a killer, a band of unknowing innocent victims, and years of carefully-executed brainwashing.

I never asked him to take it
But then again, he never gave.
He stole, he hurt, always betrayed.
I never really wanted to lose it
It slipped right out of my grasp
Just imagine that,
Right out of my grasp,
Like a piece of yourself you can never get back.

I don't care what you want.
I will take what I want.
I will get what I want.
You can't make me open up.
I won't leave myself weak
On an island that no one can reach.
You are testing my patience.
I never promised you trust.
I never said that I must.
Shut up, that's enough!
You don't like this, then tough.
You don't have to stick around.
There is no obligation here to which you are bound.
You can run away anytime, so go ahead.
You are not the first one;
You certainly won't be the last.

You ****** up
Without even trying to **** up
So *******
Is all I can really say.

I'd rather not use your name
Because it makes you too real
Such a personal label,
A stamp if you will.

So please stay anonymous,
Remain ever so mysterious,
And I can keep a safe distance
From these experiences.

This is the only way I have to fight back.
Words on a page.
A voice that resonates.
It's not much,
But it will have to do for now.

Pushing people away
Has always been my great forte.
To their utter confusion,
I do not pursue them
When they walk the other way.

As I climb,
You push me down.
You're the reason why
I can't make a sound.
You have me gagged, you have me bound.
I lose my center as you spin me 'round.
Off balance, I fall and try to get back up.
You hold me there, asking if I've had enough.
When I say yes, you just say, "Yeah, so what?"
Then you keep on torturing me;
You don't give a ****.

Oh, don’t you know
I know who I’m contending with
Sister, it seems
Like you live in a dream
Because you can’t see things
As they might be

What I mean
Is that I know what the difference is
Between an angel and a devil
Between good and pure evil
What I mean
Is that I’ll never surrender
My humanity
To anything but the almighty power
Watching right above me

Yeah, I know
He whispers in my ears sometimes
And misleads me when I am blind
That’s just the kind of thing he’d do
And sometimes I do fall behind
Sometimes I do get out of line
But when I do, I give him a piece of my mind

What I mean
Is that I’m not listening
To his dark intentions for me
And his negativity
What I mean
Is that he is not what he seems
Hiding behind a smokescreen

It's not like you just wake up and say,
"I feel like being miserable today."
It starts so subtle that you still think you're okay,
Then drags you down little by little every day.
You notice that who you were is fading away,
As it slowly molds you to its liking like clay.
By the time you realize the damage, it's too late.
It has already taken a hold of you, along with your fate.

Welcome to Heaven, in the form of a pill.
Now, I've heard that you need it, that you've fallen quite ill.
Don't worry, you'll take it, we know that you will.
If you don't, then we can simply keep you until
You realize you need this for your heart to be filled.
Your mentality now is to either **** or be killed.
We don't know who taught you this, but it gives me a chill.
Reconstructing your brain, well, that gives us a thrill.

Sometimes it's easier
To believe
That it's all a dream
Not real, can't hurt you.

Butterflies flit around in my stomach.
My blood boils, and I feel sick.
I've tried so hard to ignore it -
Dreams for the future,
Dreams that seem so impossible to attain.
Am I too lazy to try, or am I afraid?
Success scares me as much as failure.
So, I stay frozen waiting patiently for my fire
To melt my apathy and hopefully,
Breathe some of its life into me.

The way you kissed me,
The way we looked at each other.
I cannot put it out of my mind.
I try to be logical, I try to find
Any excuse not to feel; this can't be real.
There are too many wounds
Left to heal.
I thought I would do it on my own;
I thought I was alone.
You tell me I'm special,
That I'm someone you were lucky to find,
As you look right through me with your deep dark eyes.
I tell you you're one of the sweetest guys;
You laugh as if you're not surprised.
Trust me, these are not just pretty little lies.
I really like you, and it's hard to hide.

So eager to please
On her knees
A pathetic display
I wish she would just go away.

I want to feel the icy touch
Of independence
Caressing my face
Reminding me that it's not so scary
To be alone.

She has been molded carefully,
As she shuns all equality.
Her arrogant smirk,
That loud, interrupting voice
Seeping with sarcasm,
Cockiness.
She looks at the world
Through superior lenses.
You are her next victim,
Then it's on to another contender.

She wants to be noticed
Just wants to be loved
She knows that she's pretty
But it's not enough
She says she misses her mommy
She says life is too tough
And she likes to cause harm
To fill herself up.

You made me feel like I couldn't do anything
Like I was small, meaningless
Like I was ugly.
You made me feel like a little speck of dust
On an otherwise beautiful painting.
You made me feel like the my world was ending.
Holding your external success - charm and prettiness.
I sat in the shadows of the storm clouds you summoned
With the rain pounding on my bare skin
Dripping cold and wet, a naked mess.
You disposed of me quickly, efficiently,
Leaving nothing but a hollow body.

He puts a band-aid on it.
Well,
You'll need more than a band-aid
To cover up my Hell.

My head goes numb,
My thoughts die young.
I can no longer remember where I came from.
This is the transformation...
It is so sudden.
I am no longer me; I am another personality.
My actions and words, performed differently.
Lost in a trance, in the zone I am free,
Having released all my responsibilities.

He's different.
Fragile, quiet.
Unassuming.
He floats around,
Light as a cloud
That never comes down.
He's on his own level
No one else's
And he lives by his own rules
Makes his own choices.

She's a little weird,
Counting all her fears
Before she steps outside
Into the light
For everyone to see
And quickly scrutinize.

Four years of wasted work
All so I could see you succeed
Without any degree
There it is again - unwelcome irony.

Everyone told me I would go far
And here I am,
Completely uncertain.
Completely lost.

Maybe part of me likes it this way
The same clever part that knows
How impossible it is for me in this situation
To succeed or fail.

There is no direction;
There is no dream.
This is the safest way to go
It seems.

Split* into different pieces
Trying to put them together,
I fail and feel so *defeated.
A caring friend is all that I needed.
They weren't there, so here I am,
Feeling bitter and cheated.

There's the me that smiles even when it's not real
There's the me that can do anything but feel
There's the me that only wants to cause pain
There's the me that refuses to accept blame
Yet deep down, I have come to meet the true me.
She's lost and confused as can be.
She's blinded by her own suffering.
She forgot the meaning of truly living.

Sparks fly in all directions.
I want so bad to keep your attention.
Yet here I am steering you in the wrong direction,
With my complete and utter lack of affection.

Sometimes I can be so cold.
Sometimes I can be so clueless.
It's frustrating, even for me,
When I can't show weakness to anybody.

Oh no, what did I say, what did I do?
I'm not even aware of how I hurt you.
It's inevitable, just another learning process
I have to go through.

Weak, vulnerable.
Ugly, undesirable.
Lazy, unmotivated.
These swirling thoughts of hatred.
Gripping me tightly, along with these memories,
Getting the best of me,
Showing no sympathy.
I hold my head in my hands, desperately,
Begging for the chaos to come to an end.
You try to help; you try to step in.
It's of no use; these voices will win.
There's one of you and hundreds of them.
Still you insist on protecting; you want to defend.
It is like a tornado in my mind.
If you think you can change that,
You must be blind.

If we could all hit a button to obtain love, happiness, and success, we probably would.
Then regret would flood through us as we realized that effort and hard work make us complete,
Make us alive.
We would sit there with everything handed to us,
And nothing to show for it.

Fixated, restricted,
My eyes cannot move.
They cannot blink;
The pupils dilate.
My neck is rolling backwards
While my mouth opens, simply gaping,
At the ceiling.