never meant to feel this way
though I knew this day would come
it looked like cookie dough and fuzzy socks
not bleeding knuckles or holes in walls
bed ridden for weeks and dehydrated veins
i never meant to feel this way
i never thought love could hurt this bad
especially after the superpowers i once had

I fell apart 127 times before I stopped trying to put myself back together. What kind of force were you to steal my foundation and my willpower too? What kind of God would make our paths cross for long enough to build an empire, and watch us as we took that time and set everything on fire? There is nothing left of what we built, ashes cover anything green. The proof of our conquests lies under rubble too heavy to remove. Water fizzles off rocks that waited too long in the sun for enough energy to create life, and then we are nothing but steam. I stopped being able to reconcile with your energies last fall when we were apart because everything you sent my way dug a hole in my spine and I finally collapsed on December 9th. I fell to my knees at 6:33 at night and the pit in my stomach is still there even though you are not.

I haven't stopped trying to put myself back together since you left.
At least I can say I have that going for me. You took a lot but you didn't take everything.

Preoccupied with filling
holes in the souls of everyone else
Forgot how to nourish my own
for myself, I am hungry
You spoon fed me and I spit it out
I was adamant about not needing your help
But I lost the laughter too,
It was never just force feeding
It's summer and I am freezing

Preoccupied with filling
holes in the souls of everyone else
Forgot how to wake myself up
I can't remember how it feels to not love
I know what it feels like to be empty

and know that it is all your own fault

I forgot how to fill my own holes

Please don't let yourself get mad
You break people around you while blindfolded
Please don't let the sadness manifest in ugly patterns that let you shatter smiles
Please don't let yourself get hot
You'll want someone to take it away
Your sting will hurt another's heart
You could have saved today
Please don't bleed cold blood on others
Whom have reached out warmer hands
You don't bleed honey, you sting and you leave
Please don't repeat his actions and please don't grieve
Anymore
He's not coming back

I miss
The parts of you
That made me, me
But i am Whole,
I am an entirety

cut me open with a sharp knife
so i know you don't have to try
like the others did, they'd pry
forgetting dull  takeweapons more time
and leave a darker scar, it's hard
they have to break past
everything you built to last
like layers of copper skin from years of solitude
use a sharp knife when you open me up for you

What does it mean to be happy?
Do sunsets fall slower then?
will I know the exact second
I am happy again?
Was I ever?
closest I have been
when you said "forever"

One day I'll talk about the pain
In retrospect
And I'll talk about the way I healed
It won't be a stretch
One day I'll talk about the pain
Like an old friend in high school
Familiar faces focused on the has-been
But only for a little bit
One day I'll talk about the pain in retrospect

I am still sorry
More than yesterday
Have not washed my hair because
it still smells like the last night we shared
together in your bed
I cannot wrap my head around it yet

Getting out of bed is so hard
with such a heavy head
I drag myself into sitting posistion
groggy, already tired by the time I stand up
I'm through with feeling like my footsteps mean nothing
to anyone around me '

I used to shame validation from anyone else
for my own importance
but my ego is starving
and I am laying in bed without a purpose or a reason to be here

A heavy head
that is empty
holds me down
in a way I do not understand
I cleared it of all the bad but still it weighs
me
down

December first,
I don't miss you
Where'd you go?
I was with friends,
I wouldn't know
I stopped checking
December first,
Did we ever love one another?
I can't recall the last three years
because the last three weeks
With friends
Have conquered months of worthlessness
You bestowed upon me
Did we **** for three years?
I don't remember,
He ***** me better,
hell, I **** me better
December first,
You're ugly now,
I laugh about it,
how your hair is so stupid
And how I kissed you forever but you lacked the allure,
and how you look the same in every ******* picture,
And I'm so mature,
Drunken laughing at you online,
With friends, at least
December first,
You mean nothing to me,
It's insane you ever did, December first
you don't haunt me anymore,
I'm not festive
but I'm not sad either, I'm not grieving
December first, my first holiday alone,
I'm 20 and my family wonders where you are but I don't give a ****, I'm celebrating with friends.
I don't miss you because you cut me open last year,
I don't miss you because you always ******* talked over church bells,
And this year I can hear.
December first, welcome back.

How can I feel so full of love
as the sun rises every morning
sunshine fills me up,
unthaws my tired bones

but as it softens,
the sun sinks into the lake by my home
I feel it return, that chill in my spine,
reminding me you are not mine anymore,
and I am hollow again,
missing you, again

when will this end?

I'm filling a void I can't identify
trying to make meaning of these wasted days
I waste away waiting for a sign
I'm not as dreadful as you made me feel
Part of me used to laugh
at the thought of letting someone else,
anyone else, besides myself
dictate how I felt
but now I struggle
to feel anything at all

I quit smoking
sure it made the haze in my head softer
and it was already hard to breathe before
but I didn't want the habit already stuck
when I finally stopped wanting to die
I wonder when that day will come
I won't start smoking again
Not because I have hope that it will stop raining
or visions of a clearer future
but because I know that nothing will fill this void
Especially not, now fading memories of a summer
and a lover
and a boy

****** in the back of
my friend's dad's car
on a february night
after three **** packs
A dozen fake laughs
Mild smiles that seemed convincing
and I still don't feel a thing
except for your words
from years ago cutting into my spine


I'm tired

I kissed every inch of your body this morning, except for your mouth.
We created boundaries, to keep us from hurting.
I waited until I got into the car to start crying
so you would not have to watch me understand, again,
what I was losing.
I saw my pain in your eyes,
we spent the weekend trying to undo the hurt,
It didn't work.

Keep me where the warmth is,
Guide me toward the sun
Today I felt my soul break free
While the last 6 months'as imprisoned
Walk with me down meadows
Swim with me upstream,
Anywhere the current takes me's where I
Wanna be
I grew sick of climbing mountains designed to sit and pray on,
Grew old with trimming grass meant to hide underdogs from lions,
I'm letting go so take me home,
Where ever the sun is, is where I wanna go

if the first real heartbreak is the worst
does that mean that the first love will always be
the one worth hurting over?
will they never be better?
will I love him forever?

I spoke in broken notes
that came out flat and frugal
words got caught in hardened chords
each time your name rang through them

There was no music in my voice
no melody to soothe me
I could not carry a whole line
without a script to keep me moving

I spoke in broken notes
when I spoke of our older days
I spoke in battered, ugly shards
of words I'd since tucked away
I spoke in broken notes,
the sounds were all but lovely
but at least I spoke a word or two
that's better than nothing

Like turning off the light but leaving on the lamp,
you can see the corner of the room where it is,
where the boxes of pictures collect dust,
where the old letters start to rip
but you keep the lamp on
for fear of losing sight
of boxes you hide
from yourself
you lie


you miss him
and you pretend you don't
you feel it every time you kiss another
inside you tighten up and get a chill in your bones
you put the memories away but will not throw them out
becuase in the back of the room you still see the door by the lamp
and you still wish he would come through it and say he's figured it out

I don't have pretty words that bounce eloquently off each other,
nor rhythms that match heartbeats at unimaginable speeds,
I don't turn pain into art because when I hurt I lose my hands,
the same way I lose my head when I fall in love.
Nostalgia hit me like a bus.
I stood silent, aching in the middle of a diner,
remembering the days when I was 16 and came home to you in my bed,
and felt so lucky to spend every dollar I earned
on you.
And now I come back, 4 years later,
still unsure of what to spend my savings on,
still having not moved on too well,
I miss coming home.

Especially to you.

Over sweetened
Fall decay
Covered up in caramel
Flannel sheets line freezing beds
That rot from the inside out
I, too unwind this way
And walk on red, yellow leaves the same day
In black boots I bought to repel the rain
I chew on candy apples
My teeth are weak where they start at the roots
They glisten on the surface
Someday they grow too fragile
To stay in place
Fall decay
Covered up in caramel
I miss the feeling of holding hands
The empty half of my bed looks quite a lot like hell
Fall decay
Covered up in caramel
I have a feeling in my gut
From swallowing my pride and ignoring your call
Fall decay
Over sweetened
I wish I'd taken care of these cavities

I don't know how you do it
without even acknowledging me
you make my stomach twist into a ball
you make my knees too weak
I still get sick when I think about
the times we used to have
I still hate myself for holding on
I still get sick wondering where it went bad

I want to hold your hand
And fill in your worry lines with
Permanent marker, make
Your bed just how you like it
And ruin it right after
I want to lay on your chest,
Talk in between laughter,
Laugh in between ***
Reorganize your desk and
Mess it up again with little
Sticky notes that let
You know
That I love you so much

I wanna make you lunch
But not because you can’t
Make it on your own,
I want to spend my free Time
Making my heart into your home

Tonight was grand
I felt symphonies in my rib cages
Where music was out of tune before
Only for a second did he kiss me
But I wish it were an hour more
I felt zoos inside my bones
Stampedes of nerves wouldn't le'me alone
And then he kissed me and I felt a spark
Something I had lost last year, left in the dark
My third first kiss was multi colored
It was unlike everyone since my first and second
My third first kiss made my heart race
And I can't wait for it to happen again

Logically, I’m over you
I understand the way
We added up was not what
I needed to survive,
I needed to not need you,
Need to not need anyone,
To survive,
Logically.

My emotion takes over
And I miss your mouth on mine,
You could call me anything you want
And I’d still fawn over your eyes,
Emotionally, I’ll never stop loving you

Every argument was useless
you never heard a single word I said
and now I climb mountains
to get your voice out of my head
I'm still better off without you
so don't come after me
I'm climbing at a steady rate
and soon I'll reach the peak

I keep trying to replace
the feeling you gave me.
Words don't do the same things,
The ones I used to swear I hated.

Lines and lines of rhythmic blood,
nothing sounds the way it should.
I try and fill up with poetry
I try and pretend I'm not bleeding.

Words carve my sunburned skin,
I tried too long to let light in,
I hurt myself and begged for help,
poetry won't heal these welts.

Letters may convey a thought,
but bring you back, they will not.

What they don't tell you about love
(before you fall in, of course)
is that no metal on earth
is stronger than it

So you can weld yourself together,
using heat from others,
piecing whatever steel you force your heart to become
to cope with a loss,
but the loss still won.

Last summer I got drugged at a party
I felt my soul leave my body
The day I heard the news
My blood reached my skin
Faster than my hands grabbed her throat
I couldn't find it within me to seek revenge
Because I knew what had happened
And how this all tied together
No matter what I did I couldn't escape
The ties I made in the past
And it was my fault they kept sneaking back
In cheap beers on June nights
I'm sorry I didn't fight for myself then
Because now I don't have the strength

I withdraw
As you cast yourself out
Forgetful, gentle, galvanized mind
Spend all my time mourning you
Shaky chest, rotting hands
Begging for another chance
Former lover, forbidden friend
I would have loved you until the very end
But you didn’t let me
And now I love another
Not in the same way,
And that guilt will eat me alive
Until the day I die

I wouldn’t recognize you now
With that frown about your mouth
You never wore that wretched thing whenever I was around,
I never smiled as big as I do now, though
When you were before me,
casting shadows
Do you think I’m a fool?
I won’t lay down and crawl back to you

Golden communion,
Grace of God,
Patience of the devil.


You begged me to forgive you,
I never learned how.
I knew clinging to hate was a sin,
I never sat down to listen to the ways you were sorry, I don’t think you had many.
I pray now from the street, make a temple out of gravel, swallowed asphalt to be here, asleep where you left me,
Why did you hurt me then leave?
Why did you come back after I’d already grieved?

‪Please don’t forget me when you move on and you are happy again.

I know I caused you pain but we spent so many months laughing. ‬

It’s hard to imagine being whole without you now.

I'm sorry if I don't always make sense
I'm still trying to piece together memories I drank away last fall
through the puke on the floor I can still see last spring:
******* you on Easter when I was alone,
the night before screaming into my pillow until I couldn't see straight,
pretending to my family and friends that I hated you,
but wishing you'd have stayed later.
through the shattered mirror I smashed last fall I can still see last spring:
sending you letters that you never read,
smashing my head against the steering wheel,
driving without direction because you wouldn't be anywhere I went,
I still see last spring through the botched memories
and I still feel it every time hear our song and have to change the channel,
I still keep that flannel put away,
I know you burned everything of ours in the summer but I couldn't find the strength

I am just
A willing fool
In love with you
My skin is yours
Your heart is mine
I love you, dear
For all time

Can you please stop showing up unexpectedly?
It's so rude to do
I'm out with friends trying to have a good time,
I'm laughing and smiling and free,
and you show up so quickly and make me feel sick so suddenly


but you never actually came back and that's the worst part
your memory haunts my present and it's something I can't shake
no matter how many people I try to replace you with

Picturing a life where
I am not in love with the sun
When we are together he resides
Inside my stomach and I need him
On my skin and against my lips
When we are apart I forget to breathe
I need him next to me and I lose control
Of emotions deeply rooted in affection
But played out like violin harmonies
In temperate weather under birch trees
Picturing a life where I do not feel everything and where I do not take neutrality as blasphemy
I do not feel my heart bleed each day
For something new because I am unattached
Especially from you

I'm in love
And it's warm
I waited 567 days for this
Liberation in my veins
From icy rusted chains
I froze to death for this revival

Slam the door,
one more time
it shattered enough windows last week,
all the items in the house fit through the three that cracked,
the frame was intact
but the glass had been smashed,
just enough to fit a small bag already packed,
and then shove myself through

slam the door,
one more time,
this time I'm not coming home.

Sunshine fills my hollow bones,
I lay outside beneath the stars,
I learned to make this earth a home,
Founded it from broken parts.

Crosswinds get the best of me,
they direct me towards fledgling things,
I know not which road to take,
I fear a tragedy either way.

But Tuesday follows Monday's luck,
the fate that I had used up already.

I take the left road, I walk where I can see,
pause a time,
I bargain with destiny,
I know the path that is for me.

I let the sunshine fill my bones,
I learned to make this earth a home.

I comb the room for proof of you
Gaze toward lovers old and new
None of them ring a bell,
I feel alone but I feel well

I do not miss you anymore
Nor do I hope you think of me
Six months alone, unlearning codependency
I feel yellow, I feel complete
I do not miss you anymore

I wish
I could write
about anything
anyone
anywhere
other than you


*I am tired

another time
you told me i was the reason
you didn't want to live
and i haven't felt
another way
other than pain
since

I forced myself to sit and write about you because it hadn’t hurt in so long, and though I know that I am healed, sometimes I get scared of forgetting the way you used to make me feel like I was flying when we both know I was drowning. I don’t need that anymore but that high is unmatchable and I miss seeing the entire universe inside one person. So I forced myself to sit and think about you. To remember you. To dig down deep, way past my anger and look to the place where I first planted you. I needed to feel something so I went to that place and it all came rushing back at once.








I am abundant in forgiveness. You never apologized but I accept it anyway. I saw everything in you. My highs, my highs, my highs. Oh they were so golden. My lows, you picked me up from them every single time. I used the hell out of you and you let me. I know you wanted to save me. I know you loved me. I know that for you, being in love meant working on another person. We met the day after I was ***** and I carry that guilt on me like an armor, I wonder how hard I would have loved you if I didn’t need it. I forced myself to sit and think about you because I am doing it again.







I’m falling in love with someone new and it scares me to think that I could get that blind again. I could get that hollow and desperate. That small. That shallow. I let you teach me what I already knew. I forced myself to sit and think of you and I sat quietly as the anger passed through and the only thoughts left were harrowing and sad and blue and soft. You and I were best friends and I haven’t mourned that part yet because I only mourned the loud *** we had in every room in every building we went in. I mourned the laughter we shared until 4 in the morning. I mourned the way you looked at me like I lit up the room when I was so visibly tired.












I mourned everything but our friendship because I didn’t think it would ever end and when it did I couldn’t process it. I couldn’t handle the guilt. I couldn’t handle the way you checked out after one mistake when I spent 8 months letting you lower me into the ground without ever raising my voice.










I mourned my soul.
I mourned my future. I mourned my past. But I never mourned us because we were supposed to last. And when we didn’t, I felt my entire soul collapse. And I’m doing it again.







And I just thought I’d sit down and write you this and wonder if you could let me know what I could have done differently back then, so this time around I don’t do it again? I forced myself to think of you one last time so when the time comes to love this new person, I do it right and I don’t have to do this again. I wanted to hurt because I needed to remember how good it felt and how hard it was to let you go. I did let you go, and I write this 7 months later, in the spring, watching the sunset, full of light and gratitude, a whole winter has passed. I write this now in hopes that this new spring lasts. Will you write me back?