I'm so tired
Everything is so heavy
                                            Who am I?
I'm so tired
Everything is so blurry
Around the edges
                                            Keep walking
                                           Keep breathing
To the beat of a drum
                                           Keep living
I'm so tired
Don't shut down
They tell me
But deep down I know
                                           it's only a matter of time


Everybody dies
The world stops for
No one

a child's laughter lances through my monochrome morning
irritable grey flecked with the overjoyed oranges and greens of gaiety
paint that has always run off my canvas
though i beg for it to stain my skin

i scratch the sidewalk with the prescribed chalk i collect
taking tiny white and barely blue tablets to the asphalt
with heavy arms
drawing designs onto my brain
hoping it helps

but when the wind wails through the painted park
chalk is chased away by clouds of chaos
the dark dances in and sits between me and my mending

i watch families flee for shelter
i watch friends fight fires together
with heavy eyes
the chalk crumbles to powder in my hands

i seek solace inside
but there is nowhere to go
i can't hide from darkness when the sun has already set

where he closes a door he opens a window
or so i am told
for every door closes, slams shut behind me
and turns into a wall

every wall solid, brick, concrete
impenetrable and grey
no cracks, nowhere to slip through and escape
i run my hands along the walls, feeling for a flaw
i find nothing but scraped palms

i hear voices on the other side
i hear people talking, praying

every voice muffled, muted, hushed
indistinguishable and grey
no words, nothing to slip through and help me understand
i scream and scratch against the walls hoping to be heard
i find nothing but raw psalms

i feel around for anything
a hammer, a chisel, a light switch
something to save me

but all i find are things i've thrown
plates, pillows, a shattered phone

the walls are closing in around me
they think i don't know that they're moving in each night
but i taste the closeness of the air each morning
and i know i don't have much time left

i don't have much time left

like a winter wind you whisper through
the smallest imperfections in the
brick and mortar walls i’ve built around my heart

i didn’t even build windows or doors this time around
thinking it would keep this fortress
secure
safe
secluded

even so you’ve somehow managed to infiltrate
erode my defenses
penetrate
the tiniest pores in the brick and split them open, exposing me to the elements again

i shiver, unprotected and afraid
the salt still streaks my face from the last hurricane
the sword still at my side
too heavy now to lift against you
and even if it wasn’t
would it pierce you, or would i simply hurt myself again?

at any rate, you move too quickly for me to anticipate

the wind is too strong
now that my cliffside fortress is in ruins
my eyes water and it is far too difficult to predict your next move when all i can see is your wild eyes and feral smile

i don’t want to fight you
even if it means i will be undone
because i would rather be broken
than break you

i can't decide which is worse

the silence, or the tears that crackle in your throat when you tell me that i hurt you

that roaring silence, or the tears that hollow out your mouth when you tell me that you're sorry

the deafening silence, or the tears that coat your tongue when you tell me you'll be okay

parked outside my house at sunset, you stare out ahead
squinting at the empty street, your eyes are shining

now the sun is behind the mountains and i remember that i've never seen you cry

I feel like a murderer
Put me down
Bullet
Head
I'm dead
Don't tell anyone or
I'll **** you
Stop shaking or she'll
Find you
Don't look or she'll
**** you
Death
Now

We're on balconies
back towards me
our dramatists
their novelty
higher and higher
following the birds


ghost doll mosquitoes
we worry
it was a big mosquito
we'll hide away in our bed and pray to god it doesn't come back

With surgical precision
And steady hands
(But only if I imagine you guiding them)
I make the first incision
Slowly and carefully
(The way I feel I must choose my words-
God I could never hurt you)
A straight, deep canyon and another across
Quickly cauterized to prevent any more
Blood

Loss

Sharp curves, applied pressure over the artery
And the cancer is out
This
Lump the size of my closed fist
This
Tumor lies uselessly on the sterile table
Discarded

A needle and thread are produced
And I am sewn back together


My throat ablaze from screaming

But it's out
it's gone
I am whole again

Yet

Why do I feel like there's this great hole in my chest?

I love I love I love

It courses thorough me faster
Than a pulse
My default hunger
Surges
A calm hot force rocks me.
We swing through the hours
Feeling weighed down by green gelatin
But breathing is the easiest thing
In the world now
No pain, never
Only peace and the tide and the fire blooming
I can't grasp loneliness
I'm friends with myself now
And I'll curl up tonight and I won't feel alone
And I'll be just fine
I'll topple into sleep and
Wake without wisps of dreams clinging to my fingers
It's mystorical!
There's no earth to crash into so I'll fall as fast as I please
And there's no fear
And there's
no pain, never
Only peace and the tide and the fire blossoming

when i spoke
to you on
the phone today

i quaked when
i thought of
what you'd say

if i told
you i'd been
thinking this way



i wonder what
you would ever
think of me

if i had
read you a
poem i'd written (or three)

and let you
hear of the
creature we'd be



we would break
of your sweat
with many-toothed jaws

we would drip
of my blood
with skin-piercing claws

we would be
the perfect monster
flawless in flaws

i light a candle
i pick at my nails
i fish the eyelash out of my eye
without hesitation
a car bouncing music blares by
i pick at my teeth
i look around
i look at the snake
at the fish
at the upturned bottle of tea
at the plate of crumbs out of the corner of my eye
at the keys
at the door
i cross my legs
the joints lock up
i uncross my legs
i ignore my cat who has jumped on me and obscures my vision
i lay back
i gather my thoughts though they are like smoke
i breathe for a while
i lose my train of thought and i do not mourn its passing
this is my calling
this life is mine
i will keep it

Little bird
I wish to keep you safe
under my wing
tucked away
out of the storm
I wish to shelter you
let no rain touch your feathers
let no pain touch your heart
I wish to be your sun
to warm you from the winter's chill
I wish to be the spring

almost two weeks have passed since you did
i think about the night that fell upon you rabid and hungry
and i know that for me, it is yet dusk

my hands want to autocorrect to you

to change every word i've written to your name
to change every word i've spoken to your name
to change every word i've thought to your name

again, again, again

i wonder if i come unbidden to your thoughts like you do to mine
overwhelming, overtaking, overcoming, all of you
i wonder if i've visited you in your dreams like you have mine
overwhelming, overtaking, overcoming, all of me

again, again, again

i wonder if you'll ever read what i've written about you
i wonder if i'll ever tell you what i've thought about you
i wonder if the time will ever be right

again, again, again

i imagine us falling into each other, crashing, breaking, shattering
i imagine us laying together in our own fragments, water seeping through our cracks
i imagine us walking into the coldest part of the night to watch the sunrise

again, again, again

i hunger for something i cannot ingest
not because i will choke on it
or because i am allergic to it
not because of its rarity
or because it is unethical to produce

but because
without having tasted it
i began to want it and crave it
without knowing its name
i began to dream about making and consuming it
without even knowing its ingredients
the longing for it began to consume me

i began to starve for its softness between my lips
its give between my bared teeth
its flavor on the tip of my tongue
the aftertaste of its broth in the hollow of my throat

i began to daydream about its weight in my stomach
making me feel comfortable full and yet unbloated
i would eat it for every meal and be satisfied
if i could just find it

at night i lay awake
close my eyes and lick my lips
trying to recall that heavenly taste
i cannot gain access to sleep until i remember it just right
and when i do i dream of devouring it

the thoughts devour me
my stomach caves in
and my ribs and hipbones poke through my
translucent skin
but i will not eat again
not until i found this food
that floods my starving brain

you stopped your departure to embrace me
your head touched my shoulder
i sighed and then
your face (warm)
turned inward
your nose (cold)
touching my neck (hot)

there we remained for what seemed like
the time it takes for ice to boil (twelve to thirteen minutes)
though it couldn't have been more than
the time it takes for butter to melt (thirty to forty-five seconds)

i breathed you in, faster now
your heartbeat (slow)
steady against mine (racing)
we both saw stars, though i can only say
mine were of a different nature

then you left
the night was dark again until i came home
(still seeing stars until dawn, five hours later)

I told him things I would never tell anyone else
I come down and realize what I've done
And I am not ashamed
My eyes refocus
The words are still there

He said it over and over again
And he told me to say it
And I did
And I said it again

I came down and the ashes were still there
staring at me from last night
And I'm still shaken from last night
My fingers fly as they flew last night

He's not meant to make me feel like this
No one can know he makes me feel like this

Your ice touched the fire
it was I who got burned
You held tight to the flames
for which I always yearned
You were given her soul
and you gave it no thought
While I'll never have
what I desperately sought
I am broken, I've shriveled
I'm shattered, bereft
I had no hope to start with
now I have nothing left

anxiety reaches around the corners of my heart with spiderlike hands and pulls on the ends of my hair with unfeeling fingers
follows me just out of my line of sight but close enough for me to feel the hairs on the back of my neck stand up
i turn but there's no one there
or is there?

anxiety reaches around the corners of my heart with spiderlike hands and raises its hackles like i'm someone it doesn't know
follows me far enough away that i sometimes forget it's there
but close enough for me to remember where it was
i turn but there's no one there
or is there?

anxiety reaches around the corners of my heart with spiderlike hands and pats my arm a little too hard like a drunk stranger
follows me like i'm its only way home and if it loses me it will be lost in an unfamiliar city at night
i turn but there's no one there
or is there?

She whispers my name
but I can hear her
clear as day
I turn
and she's there
she smiles and laughs
and tilts her head
just so
And together we close the distance between us
and my mind sighs
and she sighs
as I run my fingers through her hair
just so
and the moment is perfection
and it is just as I dream
as I dream
I dream
and my eyes drift open
and I sleep

thinner than air
thicker than the tide of sleep

wonder and want

it lines your silhouette
moonlight makes your skin glow
dawn hurries to meet us
and your eyes are sunrise

i hear it pass from your lips
and slip through my fingers
your murmured assent
humming to the rhythm of the fan's rotation
clockwise
and your heartbeat, your breath
faster

it coats my tongue
your teeth
our throats
i can't get enough of the taste

our noses meet
our breaths mingle

your hands
in my hair,
your mouth
on my neck

a feeling floods me and as i drown all i can do is reach for you

look at me
listen to my breath
encircle my wrists
with the snare of your stare

travel down
trap my arms
make me shiver from heat of it
melt the snow in my hair

touch me
warm my heart with your hands
where your fingers pass
you make the goosebumps grow

light me up
make me aflame
where your lips pass
you know i am aglow

i fall apart where your fingernails dig into my
seams
i fall apart when your fingernails dig into my
dreams
we are sewn
together
we are coming
undone

she says that you gave me to her
that you placed me in her life
did you do that to **** with me too?

she says that she thanks you every day
and prays that i'd let you in
how can i?

if what she says is true
if you made all this happen
how dare you?

why would you let me grasp at joy
then rip it out of my hands
over and over again?

this unfathomable loneliness
this empty rage
are you making this happen?

and if it's true
if there's a reason you bring me back here
why?

i want answers
and you are silent
why do you speak to her and not to me?

have you chosen her for some higher purpose
and am i somehow doomed
never to find salvation?

am i not worthy of hearing your voice?
was i born ******?
answer me!

rip down the curtain that obscures my line of sight
give my eyes time to adjust once you turn off the light
let your your hands cool the fire in my face
take my hand and get me out of this place
let's get in your truck and drive to the sea
let me get lost in you, and you in me
let your fingers make patterns down to the base of my spine
let me be yours; i'll let you be mine
let's go into the water, so cold that we freeze
and when your hands are numb we'll dry off in the breeze
more importantly, just kiss me; i know that you can
i know that you would, if i was a man

You are cracking my mind
Dashing it against her collarbones and cheap sunglasses
The hardest things about her
You are are cutting my heart
Pressing it against her shoulder blades and elbows
The sharpest things about her
She is light and soft
And could break me if I'm not careful
And I want her to
To break me apart again and again
I never asked You for much
I don't know if You're even out there
But if You are
She's all I want

i want desperately to believe that if i concentrate
hard enough
if i focus all of my will and thought
on you
so hard
that my blood boils and
spills over
if i dream of what i
want
from you enough times
i will manifest you

in a cloud of smoke from the candles i have lit
you will appear before me
at my door that i have opened for you
you will wait
i will let you in once again
you will remind me that this is not love
and i will nod
for it is impolite to speak
with your mouth full

the moon bares its jagged mouthful of tombstone teeth
but its fearsome snarl is lost to my eyes
for its sacrilegious white light cannot penetrate through the
looming canopy of gnarled old trees

i raise my rusted lantern high
green glass panels protect the flickering flame

glowing yellow eyes glare out, reflected in the rays of my lantern's light, but i do not fear or flee
i know now that beasts are ahead, in my path
and now that i am aware of their presence
they cannot ambush me from back the way i came

the howls echo through the mountains before me
the wolves expect an easy feast
but i will not be dinner

there once was a happy family that lived in a cottage at the end of a long and winding road.

once a week, in the morning, the mother walked down to the town square to trade at the market. sometimes she brought the children along, if they promised to be on their best behavior; they always crossed their hearts and hoped to die.

every week the last stop they made was at the butcher's shop. the butcher was well known in this town and several towns surrounding it. everyone came to them for their meat, which was prepared and wrapped right in front of you.

the best part was their price: all they asked was that you watch as they carved slices of flesh from their own body with expert precision.

Last night I dreamed the world was ending
Screams of fear only broke the glass that kept our lives together
Everyone was falling through the sky into nothing
It was a beautiful day
And I reached for you
Even though it was all over for us
I needed you still
I couldn't quite stretch
Far enough before the sky cracked
And we were falling
And my tears dried in the wind
And you were smiling
Telling me even now
That it was going to be okay

Writing about you is harder than i thought
Because i'm so conflicted about you still

i wish i could leave it at that but
then you wouldn't understand
you would think you did
but- and i say this as gently as i can-
you would be wrong

i'm not even sure i understand

there are times
where
the thought of you is
unbearable

and there are times
where
the thought of you is
unbearable


it fluctuates
sometimes collides

it's very unpredictable
and requires further study

Who decided
fire
was the word to describe this?
He has made me into
water
with only his words

i want you to rip into me without abandon
reach deep inside and
tear from my chest my still beating heart
do it
smash it between your jaws like some kind of ******* animal
while i watch, clutching at the empty, bleeding space you've left behind in my shattered rib cage
and mouth agape
in a perfect O

i want you to hold me tight
hold me close and
snap my neck
do it
make my head turn three hundred and sixty ******* degrees before my eyes turn skyward, and even then you keep turning, turning, turning until my head twists right off and showers your gorgeous face in my putrid blood
and mouth agape
in a perfect O

i want to be in your arms
all of me
all of the pieces i want you to cut from me
do it
separate me into sections with the sharpest knife you have
be precise, or don't be
just ******* chop me into bits
save my head for last
my mouth agape
in a perfect O

last night, for what may have been the first time in what felt like centuries of me loving you,
i felt, in the base of my brain, barely perceptible but there nonetheless,
doubt.

it's presence alone would not have been as alarming if it had not been for you.
doubt, fear, rage have no place in the home we may never build
but love to dream about when we feel the most alone.

and yet there it was now.
and i sat there feeling doubt slowly spreading like cancer along my brainstem, and i wondered
how long it had been there but dormant.
how long it had been there waiting for the correct catalyst.

i wondered if i still knew every layer of you.
i wondered if i still had you memorized or if all i have learned is a lie.

would you ever lie to me again?
how would i know if you had?
why am i even asking myself these things?

in my mind's eye i crawled into your mouth,
searching inside of you for any trace of deception,
forcing myself to look,
and hating myself for looking.

when i awoke this morning, my hands were empty, and i do not know whether that was good news.
frankly, i am afraid to ask.

we're seeing it again
burning ourselves on your flash of fire
we thought we had soothed ourselves of your potential
to hiss from drops of water and wine
and we know that i will only accumulate
more shining red skin
and streaming eyes
and we know it's impossible to be addicted to someone we've never had
but
still
we bubble
we're warmed
we blindly follow your light and seek heat
a circuit that will never close

it's difficult

Today was a sadder day
The sun will be out tomorrow like always
The lights will be on and the puppets out
and about, hanging from the rafters of
their shining theater
You'll realize there's no such thing as magic
And a week will go by and you'll have
forgotten, you blind beautiful creature
We'll be there nonetheless
Because I love you
Because I want you
The angel and the devil agree
The angel heard you laugh and wanted
to keep you laughing
The devil heard you laugh and wanted
to make you moan
And that was something we wanted, both

does it say nothing to you that i want you in every state of mind i've been in?

it's the split second before your ears register the sound of the smoke alarm
the splash in your heart when a car passes too close to you
the bracing in your body
the preparation for punishment
the silence before the scream
the tensing of everything inside you for however long it takes
hours
days
weeks
waiting, dreading, the unknown
the Bad Thing

last night i dreamed my cat rose from his bed and slid out the door

and leaped into the sky, gliding lazily through the air with a serene look

on his fuzzy face

batting at birds that passed him by

until he was just a speck on the horizon