dread reaches both hands into my throat
to take the air from my very lungs
my breath comes shorter and shorter and i fear for my life
i lay awake, wondering when my death will arrive
how soon
how soon
how soon

no one had ever written a poem about me before
the words you'd written slid from the page to coat my skin like oil
my face flushed

no one had ever written a poem about me before
the words you'd written stared at my mouth, waiting for me to speak
i could not answer

no one had ever written a poem about me before
the words you'd written smoldered, blistering my hands
i could not hold you

no one had ever written a poem about me before
we were younger then, and
you've since written about many others
but

no one had ever written a poem about me before

i keep thinking that if i cut away enough layers of skin
i will reveal the one that has you hidden underneath and
scrub you out

it is a foolish notion
a false ambition
but one that i cannot seem to shake
one that, like you, i have been unable to sear
from my mind and from my heart

i am told that in time you will pass
but it takes seven years to shed my skin
and you have burrowed deep

i do not have that kind of time, i fear
and the longer you stay here
the deeper my discomfort

you are an open book to me
your eyes reveal pages of wisdom, pages of tenderness, pages of pure passion
i could read you cover to cover
over and over
i don’t dare dog ear your pages
crack your spine
highlight my favorite passages
for i do not own you
i want to memorize
every line that my fingers trace
every word that my tongue tastes
all of you
i could read you
cover to cover
over and over
every chapter leaves me wanting
more and more
and when i finally finish you
i will want nothing more
than to reread you
cover to cover
over and over
finding parts that i passed
delighting in every
printed
word
you are a marvel in literature
from your prologue
to your epilogue
and back again
even when i’m not reading all i can think about is
the next time i can
open you up
breathe you in
and consume your sweet story
cover to cover
over and over

my lips are coated in dust from centuries of silence
cobwebs lace between my eyelashes from decades of darkness
the spiders who made them have moved on or died long ago
the dead ones curled up
rigor mortis in my ears
my flesh decays
i no longer remember when the crows last came to feast
before the rotting began
i do, however, remember that i was once alive
and had been when i was buried here

i was taken from my home, wrenched from my bed in the middle of the night
by six hulking figures that wore my face
icy cold hands with vice like grips around my wrists, throat, and ankles dragged me through the dark and empty streets, silent but for my screams
they did not answer when i asked them what they wanted
they did not listen when i pleaded for my life

the sun was beginning to rise as we arrived at my tomb
they released me and i stood to face them
my back to the black entrance
i knew in my heart that i was meant never to feel the warmth of another day
they would not let me, and i was not strong enough to take them all on
knowing this, tears fell from my captors’ eyes and mine
i turned and walked inside, my final act of free will
the figures watched

time passed
hours turned to days, which began to fade, like my memory of colors
i have since lost track of time, having no light or method with which to keep it
i can only assume it has been a while, whatever that means

i have stopped wondering why i am here
the wondering without answers would have driven me mad

would have driven me mad

would have driven me mad

would have driven me mad

two stormy seas in which to dive
almost without a thought i do
and yet here you are in my ocean
deep enough to drown and even deeper still you plunge
you reach my sea floor and sink your fingers into soft sand, as yet untouched
i gasp, swallowing saltwater condensation on your skin
as you create waves
so close to cresting
so close to crashing against you
i need to breathe
i pull you up to the surface, soaked, treading water, waiting for the moment you can dive again
and lick the salt from
your lips

heat overwhelms me
i say i know not what i do
and in part i speak truth

when for a short time
i see angels
before my own star collapses

i rise
as i alone guide my hand
catching my own breath

then winter comes
and a tide of reality crashes back down around me

i am still and yet shaken
whole and yet somehow unsatisfied

the coals inside me die down
extinguished temporarily
and i sleep

as i fall to the earth
soft, warm, and wet from
the rain
you follow me there
tied to me with unseen
strings
neither of us certain
of who is under whose
control
neither of us caring
such is the nature of our
addiction
moonlight is a ******
staring hungrily
at my arched back
your strong arms
our points of connection
our bodies outlined in silver
the strings that bind us together coil
tighter
and tighter
leaving marks on
my wrists
on your back
around my neck
urging us closer and closer
your name catches in my throat
while my own name leaves
my brain
unnecessary information
lost to make space for
your fingers
and
your tongue

i cannot allow myself to believe
that our stars are aligned
i cannot allow myself the luxury of thinking
that the planets under which we were born
have destined us to orbit each other
i cannot allow
the spiders' threads we have cast over the years
to turn into webs, trapping each
for the other's future feast

but when i gaze skyward i feel your reach
when i look inward i see that you have taken up residence
and i wonder if i have done the same to you
though i dare not ask

i must imagine the physical distance between us
as locked doors
or brick walls
or boarded windows
impassible
barred
for my own protection and yours
but it is easier said than done

for when i hear your voice it feels as though my heart is shuddering back to life
from a dead sleep i was not aware it was in
and it frightens me
-more than i care
nor dare
to admit-
that it has always been this way

the more i try to turn my head
the more vividly you appear in my dreams
my peripheral vision, so to speak

even writing this, now, i fear what is to come

i open my mouth
and You pour onto my tongue
rushing down my throat
spilling down my chin and chest

i lick my lips, swallowing quickly
drinking You down
as if i had been dying of thirst
gulping greedily
not wanting to waste a drop
draining You dry of what You
can no longer contain

my vessel
my chalice
You runneth over
and still i want more
and still i drink
and still You drip

i will never have my fill
i will never have enough
i am insatiable

again you tell me
that you love me
that you’ve always loved me
that we were meant to be

the third time is perhaps
the charm

my legs tremble
when i hear your voice
when you turn over and expose your belly
when you tell me how much you want me

i always forget what happens next
the pattern
the clarity daylight brings to you
and to me
without fail

you tell me what you said the last time
and the time before that
that i shouldn’t feel used
and i don’t know if that’s the word i would have chosen

i ask myself
what i do feel
what drives me to you each time
what pushes me back into this strange and dark dance

is it love?
is it fate?
is this doom or destiny?

do i even believe in such things?

do you?

i have no answers
for you or even for myself

all i know is the pull
you say you feel it too
yet you pull away again
just as you did before

and i know not what to do

sink your sharp white teeth deep
into my skin
i want to feel you break bone
warm blood gushing down your chin
as you **** the marrow out

"let me feed you,
let me give you life",
i whisper through the mangled mess
where my mouth used to be

your large, feral eyes fix upon mine
as you pause to chew another piece you've ripped from me
you tilt your head in curiosity
wondering why i do not scream

does it not hurt when you crack open my rib cage
to gnaw on my still beating heart?

it does

of course it does

but if it means you are nourished
if it means you may live
i would gladly suffer

so eat

eat

either until there is nothing left of me
or until you are full
and fall asleep by my carcass

i will not run from you
even if it means i may die by your hand
because i love you