White boy afraid of the mirror
White boy hates history class
White boy wears hood up, always
White boy afraid to go outside
White boy is all apologies
White boy prays for baltimore
White boy doesn't talk much
White boy thinks he has no right
White boy ashamed of who he is
White boy sorry for his skin
White boy can't explain what he is feeling
White boy can't sleep no more

Why don't you look at me?

Why don't you see all the things that I see?

Why is all this unclear to you but not to me?

Why don't you look at me?

Why don't you feel the things that I felt?

Why haven't you held the burden's I've held?

why won't you look at me
why do you ignore the tears I do cry
why do you chase after time I cannot bide

why won't you look at me?
why won't you look at the face you've painted?

Aren't you proud of your work?

Changing my world's gravitation into your world's,
so you are the sole center of my universe

Aren't you happy with how I hurt?

Making me feel as though I am not real,
not really my own abode

Why won't you look at me?
*Aren't you *happy with your work?

It's so unfair.
My heart is breaking,
splintering,
like it was whole to begin with.
I don't understand why
I need you so badly
when I am terrified of you.

How ridiculous I feel
trying crookedly
to walk down
these dark lit streets at night.

I am wandering,
I don't know what I'm doing.
But I do.

I grip my knife
with sweaty palms.
I am searching for
what I never hope to find.

I will embrace you.
I will attack you.
I will run.
I will freeze.

I never sleep.

My dreams
are filled with ghosts of the past.
Of my past.
Of the future I long for.
Of the future I fear.
Filled with nothing.
Filled with you.
Who are you?
Why can't you just leave me alone?

You hold me close as I cry
Telling me that this may be my first heartbreak
But it won't last forever

I think back to the constant arguments
Complete with screaming, lies, and name calling
But these are not the names that flew around the playground
No these are much worse: selfish, irrelevant, useless
There were no profanities but they weren't necessary
You got your point across just fine
Telling me that my feelings didn't matter, this was about you
But I'm the selfish one right?
And you do so much for me how dare I not show my appreciation
You say that you deserve respect from me
But I lost that several verbal beatings ago
This is not the abuse that people give you pity for
But I wouldn't want that, you thought I was already looking for pity
I threatened to leave and you threatened your hurt feelings
And every time I walked away
You somehow drew me back with your 'love'

So I looked you in the eyes and said
'He wasn't the first person I loved and thought loved me too.
Because, dad, my first heartbreak was you."

Excuse me sir, but
"Heartbreak" isn't metaphor
It's physical pain.

Flying on Oxycontin
Feelin lonely and forgotten
Mind reeling
Don't know what the hell I'm feelin
Letting time do the revealing

Staring into space
Caring only with disgrace
While reality slaps me in the face

Goin so slow
Like where'd the hell I go
Lost cause no one will ever know

Falling further
Day n night become a merger
Soul gone like it was ******

Speed slows down
Fumbling, tumbling to the ground
Relief knowing no ones around
Finding solace
Reality not to be missed
Lost in intoxicated bliss

Although I know it
Its only for the moment
Temporary peace
Self induced release
Its too much, its a lot and
I'm flying on Oxycontin
feeling lonely n forgotten..

**** this wall
this godforsaken tower of bricks
with my every move and motion
the mountain stretches and shifts
I step right
it follows
I step back
it swallows
I turn my head up and wallow
at this wall that controls me
it's not that I can't move forward
it's just that I can't go anywhere else
this wall is just a road block
so I must get off this road
and where the new one will take me?
nobody knows

Hello's
from you to me
seem like a distant memory
I can't look into your eyes
partly because
I'd break down
but also because
you won't let me see you again
and I care about you
more than a father
and his first son
and in return
you toss me out the nest
like a mother bird
throwing her baby
to it's a eventual death
maybe you just expect me to fly
I guess it doesn't matter now
fool me once...
and so the story goes
"That's life"
you said when you left me
but does it have to be?
does life have to be anything we don't want
we have enough money
enough wisdom
enough anything to do what we want
why must I live through strife
why can't I write my own book
which mind you
if I was the protagonist
you'd be the love interest
and the antagonist
you're the only one
outside of me
that has a pull on me
you drag me to the dirt
like a lasso to a cow
and only pull harder
when I scream ow
you don't love me
although you say you do
that's life I guess
and from now on mine's without you