This is an ode to my own self love
Because tonight I forgot who I ******* was
I was looking at a profile with the guy i was on a date with and he said that the girl in the picture was pretty and I asked what about her is pretty and as we scrolled through the pictures he said I like the ones where she looks normal
And when this ******* meant normal
I knew he meant white
He mean blonde haired, blue eyed, perfect skin and white teeth
And I looked at myself I knew I was none of these things
My skin is not white, neither are my teeth, and they are crooked
Like my skin, which is not flawless, no Beyoncé, I did not wake up flawless
My hair is dark brown, almost black, but that's my natural color
I've been bleaching it blonde since I was twelve
What the **** does that tell you
I got my first two tattoos when I was eighteen
And I saw how the girls face had no piercings
And I looked at my 00 gauges and my septum, cartilage, tragus, and second hole piercings
And I wanted to rip them all off
I wanted to scratch my tattoos off
I wanted to take my hair off
I wanted to rip my skin off
I felt inadequate
I felt like I could never be enough
Well I'm tan and unconventional
So that means I can never be ******* loved
So this is an ode to myself:

Dear Ella,
Look at me,
Thick body, with curves that slay like Beyoncé's
Glasses thick so you can see your own beauty
Lipstick dark like the shade of a ruby
And you don't care
You don't care what anyone thinks because you know you rock it
Your blonde and brown hair is unique, no one else can rock it
Your piercings are a part of you, that's why you ******* chose them
The same thing with the tattoos, girl, that's why you own them
They have meaning to you, they're beautiful to you
So what the **** does what this guy thinks phase you
The way you do your makeup is beautiful,
Your style is beautiful
And every scar on your arm is important to you
So don't pretend that what he thinks is more important than what you do
Love yourself, girl, because without you there would be no you

-E (c) 2017

My friends like to make jokes about how I only date guys that look gay
Don't laugh, because it's partially true
I like long hair,
That's probably problem number one,
But I just want something to run my fingers through, something to braid when I'm bored

It's also probably because I fall in love with musicians
My ideal man is Roger from Rent
A guitar playing, napkin lyric writing heroine addict
Yes, I fell in love with him when I was 12
Sweet addiction,
Cigarettes and leather were always my thing

you wonder why your fist bleeds
as i stand across from you with ****** teeth
and your only concern
is why your knuckles feel so raw
as my teeth fall at your feet, shattering
i am the one who was hurt
left to the pain, fed to the wolves
and yet you are the one crying
for your damaged skin
wondering, wondering, oh -
how dare you hurt me like this!

Last night was a terrible night for me.

I was told I'm an amazing person
My girlfriend told me that
Or should I say my ex.
Because she told me I'm amazing
As she also told me she has found someone else.

Am I really that amazing
That you've found someone else
Who can fill my place so easily?

Last night was a terrible night.
Today feels like a terrible day.
I'm looking forward to a terrible month

Last night was a terrible night.
I cried myself to sleep
And woke up with tears in my eyes.
This terrible morning isn't getting any better
As the tears continue to flow.
I think tonight will be
Another terrible night
I'll cry myself to sleep
Because otherwise I'll drive myself insane
And then I'll wake up
Again
With tears on my face
And scattered on my pillow
As I reach to pull you close to save me from the nightmare.

Only to realize
That you're not there any more.

It wasn't a mistake that I took Philosophy 101 my freshman year in college.
Indeed,
It was
"Fate"
Philosophical questions ended my abuse
They became me
I know it's considered cliché to question everything, but now
I do
And if I hadn't taken PHIL 101, or had an extensive background knowledge in Christianity
Because in 2013,
A hot boy asked me to come to his youth group and I said yes
And because of that hot boy I became engulfed with The Spirit, and became a worship leader in a youth group band
Who became a worship leader in a church
Who became a bruised and abused girlfriend of a non-Christian who broke her faith, that wasn't even whole to begin with,
Who became a freshman in college who took a PHIL 101 class
Who became the girl who finally ******* figured out
That the destiny she so pined for from the moment she was a starry-eyed 7 year old coming home from Brazil
Sitting on her dead aunt's lap, in a frame in the college girl's bedroom
She would know
Her destiny was her own choice
She was the ruler of her own world
And whatever decision she made would be the right one because she made it

-E (c) 2017