The illumination to  my epiphany shines brightly into my face.
I log into the world, plugged up
I never know where it will take me
but I explore the deepest rivets of what it has to offer
I stopped reaching for anything and searched for something
The answer falls into my stare
I realize
the solution to my questioning, and encounter a lesson,
Vulnerability looms there in front of my face
to bow down to it
the thing that I've been running from.  
I ask God make me powerful enough to make the uncertain certain
while keeping my feelings at bay as I try my hardest not to be vulnerable
but In my attempt to destroy it I fuel it; vulnerability  
to feel that I can control and predict my future, and act like I do not
so when I die of old age
I never get to live  to be myself intentionally, so that I never truly see myself suffering from my uncertainty that certainly I played the part to make it appear as though this was my choice and in turn never having to fess up to my true lack of courage.

perphaps what's really missing
is the satisfaction
i get when writing
anything
anything at all
anything that my brain wants to say
the dire need is rewarding
once the deed is done its
alarming
how much my brain
needs a moment
to write
and I wander if I knew
i was charming
and I could forget the fear
clamering
and mandering
with my real life world

can you hear my thoughts ?
can you hear my thoughts?
where am i without my thought
no where i am no where at all

I'm healing slowly
sometimes I forget just how bad it gets
or was,
just how bad it was
all the time
now all that's left
is a pounding heart

the smile that comes
after saying something
that is so genuinely
unique
and true to you
so that no one
can ever attack it
try as they may
they will never erase it
or take away
the joy it feels
to know it
to be 100% true.
Even if the entire world
was a farse
that would still be true
regardless.
Even if tomorrow I died
I would have understood,
I would have understood
myself.
In this way regardless.
The smile that comes after a poem
when it is so absolutely true
to feel no shame behind it
so that it cures
even the worst
of my indiscretions.
So that each moment
becomes separate
and stagnant
individual
and without the power
to see into the future
I become liberated
for I am not God,
nor do I want the ability
to see everything
so that I lose all control,
as powerful as I'd be
because
The smile that comes after a poem
in the truth
of it
Is enough for me.

In the many forms of writing
I find comfort in the release of all.
the raunchy aspect of sin in my raps,
the truth behind the poems,
the clarity from an article,
I need to say that !
so that I can never forget it !
that each is a different part of
and not at all me altogether.
I am somewhere
in there but not
at all absolute in each
I am fluid,
like the markets
and will always be
regardless.

I want to describe to those who can't see
the view from my window.
I want to try my very hardest
to portray the truth of it as I see it
through only my eyes. The colors faded,
once they were vibrant.
Yellows and warm reds, I feel as though I am in a villa.
Somewhere else, not Florida,
the air it shifts slowly through the palm trees
which I have become accustomed to.
A nice melody plays through my speakers,
something tropical and smooth
you can't hear the singers ego,
she's in love with her soul
and her music , and she doesn't bother me.
You can't see the small lake from where I'm sitting but you can
feel it's ease, the fishes and turtles in it, I've become acquainted with.
It's perfect. Others have their windows open, and I become part of them,
Everything is so beautiful and I feel calm and at ease.
I've seen it so many times before I wander why it is not enough
to keep me content,
It would be
It truly would be
If I didn't have the voices inside of my head.

Oh the allure
of myself
here I am standing
along side
open windows
into the world
so that I become
like a moving painting
to those bystanders
looking
but there is no one
so I stand
and forget
I cry
and I dance
I am a moving piece of artwork
to the bystanders looking
but there is nobody
so that I become consumed
by my own mind,
hrowing and heaving
dancing and crying
so that I am a moving piece of artwork
to the one person
staring
when they stare I do not know
but I am aware that they look
otherwise I wouldn't feel so
ashamed
to be a moving piece of artwork
to the bystanders.

when did I become disregarded as a human
I guess i let that side of me disappear
i still felt it in my tears
they fell and feel
and even the drugs couldn't numb away
whatever was being washed away
by all the hate
I wonder what I was becoming
or If i could even pull myself together
where was I nowhere
I think I left and I was succumbing to being
angry
all the time
just angry
I couldn't undo
what was happening
and I couldn't explain
I never felt so much
disdain
I think I have the worst of all brains
I bring out the worst of everybody
and who does that make me
I had no one to turn to
not even my own mother
I had lost everything
I was down to nothing
How could I forget I'm a human,
when did i become degraded
how did i let in this sort
of dogma
I was standing still
but all i thought of was running
the two forces pulling at each other
and I was being torn apart a pain
so real
I forgot to feel at all

one time I was thinking about money.
and it was late at night.
I don't remember what I was thinking
oh yea I had just started this new business
get rich quick scheme
pyramid of sorts
and I was planning and plotting
planning and plotting on how I would make hundreds of
thousands of dollars
by the end of the year
I couldn't sleep
it must of been
well past midnight
I had taken in a woman
a homeless woman
we made a whole day out of it
smoked synthetic marijana
she was coming down off of herione
and I couldn't sleep .
I went to CVS
to buy
nyquil
so I could sleep
in my bed
back home
next to this beautiful creature I had brought home.
we prayed that day
and cried
together
I was thinking so hard about that money
I went into the CVS
i had no shoes on ,
snobbishly
I picked my items
and I was thinking so hard
about that money.
the guy .
the guy at the counter runs my card
and it won't go though
the outrage I thought
I was thinking so hard about that money
I musta had like a couple dollars in my bank,
I had spent it all
on that synthetic marijuana.
but I was snoobish
and thinking hard about that money,
and he started to look faint
and I swear my glare didn't change ,
my face remained the same
emotionless
and I was thinking so hard about that money
it was well past midnight
and I was thinking so hard about that money
he started to get white
and my expression remained the same
and I was thinking so hard about that money
and he stumbled from behind the counter
he didn't look so good
it was well past midnight
and I was thinking so hard about that money
and then he got sick
and my expression didn't change
and my card wouldn't go through
and nobody cared.
and I was thinking so hard about that money,
and I wanted to steal those items,
and I was outraged that my card didn't go through
and I didn't help him,
I still can't believe I didn't help him,

Where am I !
I am not here!
This can not be Real!
This nightmare!  
will it all go away
when will it be
okay for me?
I am so afraid
I am so afraid
I am all alone.
Really .
Literally alone
here in this room,
what is it with me
why can't I just be ,
I want to forget
everything
I think I loved to hard,
remained to loyal ,
wanted to repent,
I've been like this my whole life,
never being able
to be close
to anyone
or anything,
people
have this way
to hate me .
I wander why ,
My whole life,
sometimes i feel that i deserve it
sometimes i feel that the whole world is against me
so i boost my ego up
I've become accostumed to the hate.
they hated me
for being poor,
they hated me for being liked,
they hated me for being me,
they hated me all the time ,
they hated me when I was up
they hated me when I was down,
they loved me for a time,
they hate me for being me
they hate me for being me
they hate me
so that it's becomes a part of me
How do I do away
with something that won't go away
How do I take it back
How do I say
so I have learned
How do I forget

i am mystified
at the utter unexplanation
of my explanation
there are no books
on this holiest of earths
that can explain
my exhalation
i am alone
in this experiment
doomed
to live my days in this
darkest of curses cast unto me
I can not explain it
recede into myself
one, two, three pills
so I can better it
turn the transmission off
apologize
for ever looking to find
something
which was right there
I cower
I holler
in silence
inside
i'm hollow
my eyes hold no depth
I become a shell
prone to break with a breath
if I were to crack
there would be nothing
nothing at all
nothing left.
I am dancing
waiting
to be mystified again
I ask forgiveness
I see myself in a mirror
I see the bad I could hurt myself
I could run
I am the animal

Living in a cloud full of purple dreams
Suffocating thing
The affect of DOGMA
Overtakes
The beautiful air
That is granted with birth
A shield centers your being
You learn it’s better to be
To be without the I the id or the ego
The roads twist
Traveling through
Different streets seeking shelter
A MOTHER and her unborn child
A ******
The stars align illuminating
The possibilities, shining for the savior
TO REMEMBER
The pains of labor
Amongst the animals
In a stable
Agony
Love
BIRTH
And rebirth
Three wise men
Three wise men
Traveling
Great distances
From exotic places
Three wise men
Three wise men
Baring gifts of
Gold
Myrrh
And Frankincense
To honor
The son of GOD
A baby
Born within a ******

Fears they formulate in your mind
in the shape of gold
and you think you can outrun
what's already been told
looking to find a way through
a forest
painted gold
all you can
materialize
is coal
fears
as you try and find a way
through a forest painted gold.
GOLD
where nothing reflects
truth
a slanted mirror
in search of succession
power
only to interpret
your perspective
or propel ideas
all laid out on a fragile theory
of a market
ready to come crumbling down
or evolve
before the fall
a chameleon
painted GOLD.
_paper and Black Ink

to see into an empty space
and create
is human power
its a rhythm
that keeps a perpetual motion
ideas
and compassion
the thirst for power.
the uprise and the downfall
the fear then a plateau
a stand still
then a gravitational force
omens
that get repressed
it's the psyches fault
it's the cash's fault
it's a standoff
one.
two...
three...
POW
then you doze off
wake up in a cold sweat
constructed by your own thoughts
blind,
starving,
you lash out
a scream
so mean
I do not dare to watch
eyes shut
sifting through
debris
you find a ticking watch
stuck
beneath
theoretical
notions
that become a puzzle
walking through a labyrinth
lost inside a jungle.

Hidden
Behind a pile of dreams
Hidden
From a strange maze
Hidden
Looking only just to a catch a glimpse of your dreams
Hidden
Behind a rock
Hidden behind lies
That never lie
Hidden behind
Sight
Hidden behind evil emotions
I guess if we all told the truth then it would be a different story
I gotta listen to the people preach
But they’re words that have already been spoken
And lies that took a million years just to decipher
Took a million lives just to conspire
Against an empire
An empire
Tell me do you feel your life in flight
Or do you feel caged with no where to go
No way to think no how to look
You just remain hidden
And ill take a hold of the boulder on your shoulders
Wander if you’d listen
Or do you remain stubborn
Behind a maze of lies in your brain having keeping you locked in the inside the same place
I wander if I was just to brave or just to bold
Or just to know
How the show must go on
They call my name
Ive been drinking and smoking
Hoping that my fans feel me
I feel that they are anxiously waiting to feel the power behind my truth
The power that it mf took
The power in the weight of my hoofs
Galloping across a meadow
I stand tall
Worth more than all your ******* fortunes
But so what ?
Hoping that art will somehow take a hold of this
Take control of it
Lock in a cell and make love to it
Roll the dice and have some fun with it
But don’t make the world explode with it

Isn’t it all gravity?
Aren’t we all molecules?
I wander if this feeling
Lasts forever
But I swim away in a sea
A sea
Swarmed
And taken
By seaweed
There is no room to breath
In the midst of the battle for the oxygen
I find myself
Enthralled in a beauty
Far from me
Something I’ve never felt before
Something I’ve only ever thought were fairytales
I wander
I wander
I wander
Where our skin stops and our energy continues
I wander
I wander
I wander
Where our thoughts stop
And our existence ceases
To be

Dance with me tonight
So that we may be forever lost
Forever lost
In a moment
A connection
Dance with me tonight
So that we may forget
That when tomorrow comes
We shall all be judged
By the color of our skin
And the texture of our hair
The amount of money
We find ourselves with
And the people we surround ourselves with
Dance with me tonight so we may forget
So we may forget
That we are in a constant battle
With the world around us
Dance with me tonight
So that we may live
Live for a moment
Taken by the glare in the eyes
Of a person
Who doesn’t really care
Lets feel our hearts beat to the same melody
So we may forget
That we are in a constant battle with the world around us

How can I explain it's like I was looking at it all
staring at it all thru my head
seeing what it was
as clearly as it was
as mathematically astronomical as it was
as infinite and finite as it was
with the pure facts
as beautiful as it was
as vast and empty
and full as it was
as eternally externel and internel as it was
as astounding and sound as it was
as impossible and logical as it was
and it started when I took 8 billion and divided it into 1000 million eight times so to make it seem like not a lot
to make it seem small
then i took the world and did much the same
so I could see it how it was much as i've done before
and I saw it all once more then it collapsed. collapsed into black infinitely back up into my mind and i was back
and so I realized what it all is.

I just have an awful attitude
Like I should be entitled to freedom
Or peace
Like I should be entitled to you
Being entitled to that to
And not giving a ****
About me.
I just have a horrible attitude
Like I should not question
Everything I’ve been told
Or learn or want to stand on my own
To not judge
But instead to understand
And I can’t help it
That I can’t sit
In a class for 8 hours
Without thinking
My mind drifts
And I realize I just have a horrible attitude
About life, must be because I see the beauty in every
Flower
And every human
And I think about it all the time
I just have the worst attitude really
Because I hate structure
And I hate money
And I hate evil thoughts
And I like to believe that people are good
And I like to believe that life is a blast
Even if I have to sit in a prison for
8 hours and call it class
I just have a horrible attitude really
I just do
And there’s nothing I can do
But sit here and laugh

I've never seen a bird fly so close
the look in his eye
hollow like a cave
inside
all the secrets hidden
like a gem
that we search for
many have died for
and I woke up one morning and
I found it
in a box
laying in my front step
do not open
fragile
stamped.
like a drug
it consumed
my curiosity
like a cat I did die
and was reborn
entirely
in the middle of a flame
and I realized that it wasn't all a game
and I put the world to shame
Metaphorically

your heart rate beats
uncontrollably
you look around
and everything is okay .
So you scream!
silently .
on the inside .
As though some force is taking control of you.
Your mind starts to race and you look across the table
at a familiar face,
Your okay
But not on the inside.

They look concerned,
they feel the suffering .
but can't explain.
You can't contain the feeling.
Your okay
But not on the inside.

Your heart want to jump out of your sleeve
through the ceiling
Are they looking? do they know me?
Why do they judge me?
Standing in line at the supermarket.
Smile, Smile, Smile.
No one can see It
Your okay
But not on the inside.

Just a few days ago I was invisible
Now I'm alone now,
the voices in my head
are having their fun
and their uncontrollable
I lay there I just take it
I don't go crazy, physically
I just take it
I know that It's just me
but I can't shake it
I'm okay
But not on the inside.

There's no reason
so it scares me
and it starts again
I'm in the same place
a vicious cycle
it perpetuates
and takes me on a bumpy ride
I'm okay.
But not on the inside.

This fear that keeps me up at night
like I'm ready for a fight
when the only enemy insight
is looking right into my eyes
the familiar glitter of my very own
brown eyes.
I'm okay
But not on the inside. sometimes.

I think I was saved.
I was saved.
and I couldn't be more thankful
I couldn't imagine a life
with no other meaning
but a ****** one .
I think that I was cursed to have the whole world
at attention .
I was saved the moment I started to write
I write down these words because I am running from a fate
a fate that many women find themselves in
I'm arguing with the evil and good part of my brain
some say good always triumph
but bad makes me feel so awful
it drags my soul down and makes me feel
like i'll suffocate
if i don't cave .
I get dragged down and I get
treated like what they want me to be
I get dragged down and I get treated
like I should not aspire to be something
more than
I can not be powerful
More powerful than
the people who try to pretend
to be so noble
and so I  realize that people
are good but not when it comes
to hitting their soft spots
to wanting to be above them
and hoping that I soar far away from them
That I don't want to conform with them
That I no longer beileve in their story
and I no longer choose to be a part of this
and so I just want to be natural
one with the way the universe
created me to be
not the way the ads, and man made churches
polticians, police and all people expected me to be
they point a finger at me
with their tainted skins
and minds
and souls
they'd never point the finger at themselves
they think they have control
just know that I'm running
in the words I type
hoping to survive
the hell I  sometimes find myself
in
I stare
and I stare
into the abyss
and  it starts staring back
now It has me by the neck
and i'm choking and I'm scared
to admit there's no way out of this
no way out of this but to hope that
if I close my eyes
it will go all away
If I'm strong enough
One day the world will just stop.

Everything just seems really fragile
The sophistication of a thought virus
that erupted in my soul
a concept I deplore
and all at once
the words come
like a rush of desperation
flooding the paper
desperate for anything
a sigh
a relief
Anguish.
Breath.
I panic in a fetal attempt to reason
with left side logic
but my creativity spills over
Creating scenes
imagined
of tales
that haven’t happened
I try and hold on to a shred of sanity
As the feeling takes over
It wakes me
From a forever deep slumber;
Or was it the yelling
Coming from the other room
Deep loud voices
Begging one another for love
I can’t be making this up
Enlightened memories
Stuffed underneath piles of
Irrelevant nonsense
I’m trying to live
i'm living to try and find
Freedom:::
Rings threw my head
In a confused attempt
To reason with the concept
Free the panic
Because it comes from
A subconscious
Desire to succeed
a feeling rooted in a community
I was only ever taught to fear
Yet I was only ever taught with love
The feeling is so strong
It hurts
the complexity of the issue
It’s not that im shaded
Its that im stranded
On an island
With a row boat
The sea at ease
But I can only see shallow deep
meanwhile the possibilities become
The steady click of a keyboard

I never it made it to the moon back
Think I was just trapped
In one perspective
Two three four
Exponentially growing
Like the vines
Against an old brick wall
That tell a story
There’s history hidden in its creaks
There’s hidden lies
In the curves of her lips
And on her hips
And the she lies awake
Because she can barley sleep
Waiting just to die
She lies dormant
In a past state of mind
Or do you think she’s completely lost her mind
Must be scary to deal
With that kind of fight
Can’t be happy waking up knowing not a single bird in sight
Tell me what happened to her life?

poetry roots me,
I am not thinking ahead.
I am here!
That is enough
when I write
It's enough to be here
and no where else anymore
not fantasying
the more i fantasize
the more it eats away at the energy that I have
for my heart desires poetry
it desire spontaneity above all
but how can anything be spontaneous
if i've already thought it all
so I stay
I stay here
in the moment
of the poem forever
Until I cannot possibly write anymore
dreading the ending of my poem.

a light at the end of the tunnel
is the freedom
in the words I type
Where would I be
without the steady click
of my mind laying into the soft
caress of a screen, as for paper
it's insolent and my pen it ran out of ink
The lines I draw, are only in my mind
as I've seemed to have misplace the valley where the dead rest
The tangible object where many of writers have left their soul
The pages where have they gone ?
The smell, and the history, all here in this screen
A bird sits at my window sill as if waiting for me
to deliver some sort of message
she will fly and soar and anyone who lays on her will know
that I couldn't deliver the message I was told to write
I couldn't jump over to the other side
I couldn't make it through the forest without becoming more lost
I didn't try hard enough, I let fear take hold.
I wanted so badly to become
The one,
the one you all need,
but the tree's they laid witness
to trial after trail of failure
laid between the click of a keyboard a new generation
of the vessel that we use to pour our souls into
my thoughts captured before my eyes and
just one click and you will all see
and maybe you will feel the failure I  carry
the failure i've never confronted myself with
a perfectly honest revelation
of how I failed you all,
of how I couldn't jump,
of how I let the fear of the pain
get in the way of the success of a champion.
Now I'm in my room feet firmly planted in reality and i still
feel the fear
I still feel the self doubt
the feeling that no matter how many times I jump
i'll always fall short
I'll never make it to the other side
I'll never be a person solidified in a vessel
whose soul was felt
whose soul was known
I'll never bring the world together, or sacrifice
I'll most likely be average
I'll mostly likely die without hearing
the sound of my giant crowd.

If I could apologize I would,
I guess I did it all wrong ,
and thats where i'm wrong I know
It wasn't just you is was us.
we were bad together
experiencing the same thing ,
I know things happened unexpectedly
and they happened bad
it was just all bad
there was nothing good
not the way I treated you
not the way you treated me
I want to apologize
because it wasn't all you
it was us.
it was me.
I'm sorry .
we were so bad. together.

I want to forget you ,
I want to forget you,
but what is forgetting anyways,
Is it when a bird flys away and never returns to her nest
Is it the way the world shifts faster and faster in one directions
never returning to its original speed,
I'll never see you again
I want to forget you ,
It became consuming
Having you always in my brain
It became obsessive
The way your appeal dug into my soul
turning it black as coal
Feeding it massive matrialisism and egotistic
I didn't want your virus
Your disease,
The very thing that makes us both sane and insane
I never held your hand
and the good moments were fleeting
yet you buried yourself into my heart
into my soul
always tearing it apart
jack rippered me to pieces
and I still can't find all the parts.
I want to forget you,
I loathe and detest you
I want to forget you
I don't know you, and I never did,
You never had me, and I never stood up for you.
I hate you .
I want to forget you,
You remind me of what a stupid person I was,
No stance on love ,
letting you let me drag out all the corners of my heart
and my ideals and my values and morals
until I realized that I had none.
I want to forget you
because I am not the girl I was once.
I want to forget you
I do not regret you
nor do I forgive you
I never met you .
Who are you ?
It's nice to meet you .