My death will be liberating.

And I do not say that in the sense
that I am going to find a cliff
and take a good jump off.

No.

I am just trying to find a
clever way to tell you

that I do not know what is going
to happen next.

You see,

there is a
fine line
between
dreaming and
mortality

and

I am finding out for myself
that being in love
does not always
involve

being awake.

And for my sake
I fall in love with daydreams,
nightmares,
hazy realities
and

the hung-over idea

of not being enough.

It is all out of my hands.
                 It is all out of time.

And the only thing I have left to do,
now,


is decide.

read from bottom to top*


down
   us
     bring
            to
               try
           they
when
        smoke
   like
     rise
We'll

I have
   big dreams

        and a  
            realistic mind.

You
     can
  only
         imagine
               the
  frustration.

I wanted
someone
that wouldn't
be afraid

of me.

I spent
twenty-one
years
doubting
that person
could ever
exist.

For humans
are far too shallow
and our
complications
are

way too deep

but I honestly believe
we should not have to
be alone.

I believe in independence.
I believe in self-reliance
and I believe in self-respect.

But I also believe that
humans can connect
on a far deeper level
than just what we see.

I believe there is a time
and place
for everything
and that includes
the moments

we fall in love.

You see,
there will be days
that you fill
empty
and lonely
but you have
to be there for yourself.

No one is going to give you
a handout
unless you show them
you are going to
make it count.

No one is going to
rely on someone
that cannot
rely on them self.

Co dependence can be
beautiful
but nevertheless-
it is filled with
even more grief.

You cannot fix somebody else
when you are still
practicing
the craft
of self-love.

Allow your lows
to be reminders
that you
can lose
and smile
knowing
that you can
bounce back,
too.

There is nothing
graceful
in struggling
but there is
something
glorious
in the

overcoming

and believe me-
you will find a way
to live through it all.

And then
some day
somebody,
somewhere
is going to
admire
the way
you refuse
to fall.

And you will wonder
how you ever
let the world
make you feel

so small.

-Andrew Durst.

We are all
just lifetimes
searching for
       infinities.
     And the broken
    parts or who
we were
      should never
          be excluded
   from the beauty
of what we
are.
     -Andrew Durst

I know you're weary, my friend
But the day is almost new
It may not be what you hope for
But you will make it thru.

I cannot wish for anything
But wealth upon your dreams.
Riches any normal man
Will probably never see.

A humble home
With an easy heart,
The wisdom to walk away
Before a fire starts,
Knowing how to choose
What you need and what you don't,
Taking care of loved ones
And a family of your own.

Money is not the value
No,
Wealth lies within your soul,
Reach down and grab it
Live a life that's full.

You can fill your pockets,
But money can't fill your heart,
Be rich, my friend

     And
         Set
    Yourself
       Apart.

Your "love"
Hit me like a
Sucker punch
To the jaw.
So I couldn't
Say a
Word.

And the whole
Time we were
Together,
I was
Swallowing
Shattered
Teeth.

I don't
     Believe
Anyone is a
    stranger
To hardship.

    But if you are...

Well,
    What a
Horrible
    And  
         Inexperienced
Life
You must
      Live.

We're like
   A waterfall.
     Slowly moving
        Towards the edge.
                               Just
                               Waiting
                               To
                               Fall
                               And
                                      Break
                          On
                                   The
                                                Rocks
                               Below.

I've been in love
(or thought I was)
twice now
and I'm only
twenty years old.

I've spent my entire life
practicing the art
of letting go
and I lost track of
my losses
because I've never
been good with
numbers.

I have
added,
subtracted,
divided
and solved
my way back
to you

countless of times

and this is how
I know I am

no good at math.

don't
  be honest
       for
          their
              sake,

      be
         honest
               for
                 yours.

I never asked
for anyone to
bend over
backwards
or make sure
that I was okay.

I never asked
for the creaking
floorboards that
keep me awake
as I toss and turn
at night.

I never
wanted to be
stricken by the
fear that I can
never let go.

But I will.

Because I
never wanted
to hold on
in the first
place
and I never
wanted
a reason to
complain.

I never asked to
    be drunk;
    I planned
    on it.

The moonlight
shining in from
my fourth story
window
is fading
from the rim
of my glass,
so I can't
see what exactly
lies in front of me.

Making my way to
the bed so I can
rest once again
has become more
of a chore than
a peaceful thought.

Forever was just
an excuse
to be
close to you.

And when you
            love someone;

their name
begins
to sound like
a song that
never leaves
       your
            head.


-Andrew Durst.

Life is just
life
and everything
else
is what you make
of
it.

            do not be afraid
                 of what you
            do not yet
      understand.

I'm going to continue smiling,
opening the door for others,
laughing at my mistakes and flaws,
enjoying what I find interesting,
and being polite even to those who probably don't deserve it.
But I am not a judge
nor do I have the power to dictate what anyone should receive.
So,
I will try not let anyone's
bitterness or intolerance
prevent me from being the good person I know I should be.

I took a walk with life today
and found that we
are all connected.
I took it’s gentle hands and
whispered calmly beneath my breath:

“you are beautiful”

and then all at once-
the constant commotion
unfolding around me
came to a surrender.

I found myself staring at
solutions and all of the
questions that follow.

I am floored
by how simple
life can be.

There are no answers
and this is the
meaning to
everything.

We live and
we breathe and
we hold on until
it’s time to
let go.

This is not a cycle.

This is not
evolution.

This is not aging
just to die
and this is not
the human condition.

This is the experience.

This is the lifetime.

This is what we are
granted.

I long for a comfort
that I will never feel
and resent it
for it never being so.

I wonder how long
I have to go
and even then-

I am wrong.

There is so much
going on
and the cars keep
hauling
and the grass
keeps growing
and the moon keeps
setting and
the sun keeps
rising and

the story
goes.

I am not immortal
and I cannot capture
every moment
as I’d like to
and I know that
this is
okay
but as long
as I’m alive-

I’ll continue to strive
for something
better than
myself.

Even if it’s
not what I
deserve.

All the world does
is take.

           Even when I have nothing to give.

I am so worn out and jaded,
that my senses of
compassion
and sincerity
are simply
withering away.

It is sad to admit
that the truth is,

I will be worth so much more
when I am
      dead.

Put me on your assembly-line.
Manufacture me limb by limb.
Make me transparent to all of the pain I used to know,
love me like the back-beat to your favorite songs,

      let your passion move me,
and I will
do the
same.

Maybe we can kiss the sky
until the sun sets and fall
like ashes into the ocean
from burning up in the
sunburst colored atmosphere.

and as steady as
   the sky
        the stars,
             the sun and
                     the moon.
I swear my heart will beat for you.

I’ve lost more than I’d wish
to lose
and learned more than
I’d like to.

This is what happens
when kids
grow up.

I am a product
of a broken boy
becoming a
measly man
in a
wallowed world
that has no room for

generosity.

The world will not end
with a spark
to the neck or a
chill
on the spine.

The world will not
die silently into
a night that
no good man
can bare.

The world will end
when the
human race
allows greed
to conquer
grace.

And my friends,

we are
well on our
way.

Life is a
constant pull
between
running &
fighting

and

your brain
tricks you
into believing
that

nobody cares.

It is all in your head.
Not in your heart.

Every day that you wake up,
you have a choice
to be better
or worse
than the day before.

And even if there
is no point to
this life-

let that be a reason
to ignore
all of the people
that drain you
of your energy
and let go of
the problems
you CANNOT control.

This world is
temporary.
This pain is
temporary.
This moment
is temporary.

And so are you.

Please,
smile more.
Laugh more.
Express more.
Do everything you can to
leave your mark.

There is no concept of time,
anymore.

There is only you
and what you adore;

keep it.

Your eyes
are dark and
dull...

I could've
sworn they
were bright blue
when we
first
met.

I don't know where
        I'm going
    or quite exactly
            where I want to be.

             I just know that
my feet keep moving,
                  my heart keeps beating,
      and there's nothing
              standing
            in my way.

I watched my father kneel down on one knee over his parent's graves today.
      The stillness of the air
     was far greater than the few little
words that could have been spoken.
After a moment, he rose with a sigh,
wiping away several tears before
they could even leave his eyelashes.
     It was the first time I ever realized,
that one day,
  I too would be kneeling
over my parents,
devastated and speechless,
      leaving generations behind me
      with nothing more than
                   a faint
                          sigh.

You're nothing like
a good back massage
after a really long day.

You're more of a toe
that has been stubbed
off a coffee table
at 3 am;

You **** me off.

I'm discovering
that sacrifice
will always be
a necessary
part-of
life,
  and that
  the only time
  we ever
  gain-
  is when we
  have
  lost.

I love the way
your perfume
                     lingers
on my clothes
   long after
   we've said
           goodbye.

                        Although
                        it's not the same
                        as holding you in my arms.
                        I enjoy the comfort
                        it brings me.

I remember relapsing on the floor of my mothers basement.
I still remember what it was like to feel my conscious
leave my body and
float into a complete world of
darkness.
There were no pretty patterns or
surreal hallucinations.
The bright light that everyone
spoke of
was not there
and I wondered
if I was to blame for it
being gone.

And at the same time,

I remember what it was like to wake up.
To see my mother, father,
brothers, sisters
and friends
standing over me.
Crying helplessly wondering if I would
ever be the same again.

I remember what it was like to look into their eyes.

And I remember what it was like to push every single one of them away.

I remember what it was like to argue and walk out on
the same people that said they would
always be there.

I remember because it was the only time in my life that I
truly didn’t care.

But here I am today.

Trying to find the words to make you believe
that I am a better man.

Here I am,
pulling truths from parts of me
that I have not visited in years.

But being transparent does not
******* me like it used to.

It motivates me more than
ever before.

This shaky,
raspy,
unattractive voice of mine
is all I have.

And by any means,

I am going to use it.

There’s only a few other things
I was put here to do.

And if speaking
even when I’m not
spoken to
somehow
saves my life,

then so be it.

Because I remember
what it was like to
keep everything bottled up
and how it got me
absolutely nowhere.

I remember being stepped on
and squashed
as if I did not matter.

I remember what it was like to have
no faith in myself
because that was what everybody
taught me to believe in.

That it was wrong to step out of line
if it meant losing friends or
loved ones.

And I believed them because I didn’t know
anything different.

I didn’t have any independence.
I didn’t have anything to stand for.
I was just a little kid,
four-foot-something,
trying to make it through
another day.

And for every night I prayed
for tomorrow not to come
to a God that I do not believe in,

it always came.

And even though this embodiment
of doubt,
that is my existence,
has never been a breeze-

I can only hope that it has been
worth fighting for.

That every day and every night
I spent hungover or
strung out on the floor
did not go in vain.

And all I can do now is work hard
every single day.

All I can do now is give every ounce
of energy that I have to
making a difference
on people that are going through
what I’ve been through;

to give someone a voice that is
comfortable and
familiar.

and despite the cliché,
maybe even some hope.

Because I remember what it was like
to figure it out

all on my own.

When I was really young
I used to always sleep
With my face toward the wall
And my back toward the rest of the room.

I remember always being afraid of the dark.
As if something or someone else was always with me in the same room.

I never turned over when I heard a noise or saw a shadow.
I was always scared that I'd see "someone" or "something" standing in the corner of my room looking directly into my eyes through the thick darkness that devoured my bed room.

I was only 7 years old.
I had no idea that monsters and fairy tales were all makeshift beliefs for people's entertainment.

Trying to sleep every night was pure hell.
Always thinking that every sound was made by a ghost,
Every shadow was casted from the boogie man
And that every feeling or sensation my nerves collected from anything other than the bed was the demons and monsters touching me, waiting for me to fall asleep.

If only I knew then what I know now.
That every fear and nightmare I ever had
Was actually something to laugh about.

and somewhere
in-between
forgiveness and
forgetting,
you took a part of
me by surprise.

And I could have never
imagined that I would be
falling in love with you tonight.

I've been trying
to convince
myself that I
don't
need anyone
at all.

Just sleep,

and long
intervals
of insanity.

I smile whenever you smile
and feel the clenching
pain in my chest
whenever you feel low.
                 But you are not a burden.
    Love cannot be true
    without every ounce of
    you.
And just as beautiful as you are;
the scars on your heart
will not go in vein.

Even in the
midsts
of all my
despair,

saying your
name
feels like
a breath
of
fresh-air.

start
at the
beginning
just to
follow
you to
the
end
over
  and
over
  and
over
  again.

The Future;
   The Past...

They're
The
  Only
things
      We
Cannot
**Control

I'm not
used
to being
worried,

let alone
worried
          *sick.

Things can't always be the
way we want them too,
and I'm trying to fall
in love with this idea
that no matter what
I end up doing with my life,

it wouldn't have
really mattered anyways.