It's Christmas Day 2013
I really don't know what to write
It's what the holidays can't cure
An unlikely disposition
That seems reasonable to me
Christmas Eve was a wonderful occasion
Like favorite things to put on a Christmas tree

It's hurts to purge
I avoid it lately
Writing I mean
Kinda feels like losing life
Limbs going limp
Coolness of my damp skin

I avoid coming here
Fear of what words could do to me

In my journey I have not decided
If walking in blinding light is better than wandering in the blackest night.
I give darkness such negitve continuity, no fault of my own, societal programming, when I am feeling lost.
And
Yet I can't even move to feel my way in the brightest of light that stings and attempts to eat at my eye lids through the crevices of my fingers.
So
Which is the better?  
To wander in the dark associated with loneliness, helplessness, cover, or protection
Or
Feeling around in the light  associated with bravery, certainity, vulnerably, or exposure?
Somehow I seem to have slipped onto a ship without anyone at the helm and I,
Neutral
I neither give a here nor there on which to decide
Only
More so which one bares more of a case on better returns.

Integrity The quality of being honest and having strong moral principles; moral uprightness.

[Integrity] is a personal choice, an uncompromising and predictably consistent commitment to honor moral, ethical, spiritual and artistic values and principles.[1]
In ethics, integrity is regarded by many people as the honesty and truthfulness or accuracy of one's actions. Integrity can stand in opposition to hypocrisy,[2] in that judging with the standards of integrity involves regarding internal consistency as a virtue, and suggests that parties holding within themselves apparently conflicting values should account for the discrepancy or alter their beliefs.

We are just like volcanoes
Ready to erupt anytime
Burning and suffocating each other
Coming time after time
Beautiful yet dangerous
Building in every moment
Till one day we explode   Or
Go dormant
Leaving each other for another
Till the volcanoes wake up again

You say that you love me
But I'm drifting
You say that you need me
But I'm drifting
You say so many things
But I'm difting
      Away from you
             On the muscles of waves
Salt in my eyes sting like watery pins
Cause I'm drifting
Outside your embrace, sun burns skin
Cause I'm drifting
I'm sickend by my own love for you
Cause I'm drifting
      The current is merciless
             My esophagus has it's own tide
I'm lost in a desert of continuos motion without an ore or sail
I can see you no more
       unless you save me from drifting  
              outside your life
                     outside your heart
              outside of your bedroom door
Just when I'm about to let go
The light house begins to show
You say the words
That keep me from drifting
You say them so sweet and so kind
They keep me from drifting
But I come to with the painful  
        experiences I've had with you
                And all I want to do
Is continue to drift away from you too

Oh for the merriment of woes
I do not know if I should love
Or let love leave me alone

For I think I am in love with a man
Who is married
But was I a fool to be played until
I found it out on a couriers letter

How my heart grieves time
While it snails forth with uncertainties
What will the future hold

Should I stay or should I go
My heart breaks at great lengths But do not judge
Many leagues, namely months, have passed without you knowing the full story

As of now my heart is in pain So I ask it plain
Is it better to have loved?
Or never have loved?
Is it easier? No? To be alone...

Now only time tends to the future to  
               Break or Mend a heart
For what is Life without the tragedy of  
                             Love
                              and
            the distressing of the Heart