When you decide not to be afraid,
Heavens will come to your aid.

The sun will kiss your delicate skin,
And you'll feel power from within.

The day will come when you will say
"Why did I just sit here and wait?"

And so, you'll be truly free,
Becoming the person you're meant to be.

Have you ever loved someone so strongly there's no space for anyone else?
If you have, can you imagine, what's to love only yourself?

It is the curse I live with, and sadly I do not mind.
That's why everyone that care for me feels like I left them behind.

Like a forgotten book, untouched, that started to collect dust
Their hope fade like aged pages and yet... not a single drop of remorse.

Do I feel anything at all for other people? You might ask.
I do, but it is temporary, so it sure feels like an act.

"Sit up dear."
"Do not frown!"
"Cross your legs
And wear a gown"

So many rules
in how to be a girl.
I Just want to play
and learn to do a twirl.

But "Yes mama"
Is all I ever say,
I owe her too much
And by gosh I will repay.

Anything to see her eyes sparkle
With that hint of pride,
Because just as she claims me
I claim her as mine.

We have our differences
But we love each other all the same
If given the choice we would
Take on even each other's pain.

I Love you mama,
and I always will.
Even if when you were angry
Your stare gave me chills.

At least I think twice
before I make a mistake.
What would mama say
If I ate the whole cake?

Haha, I won't
But sure wish I could.
Don't want mama angry
That would do me no good!

By just looking at me,
you'd never be able to tell,
That I hate myself so much ,
I eat till I don't feel well.

I lie to myself everyday,
The cravings always at bay...
Maybe today I'll be strong?
No, once again I'm wrong.

I feel so truly ashamed,
Who else can be blamed?
No one but stupid little me!
For hoping I could ever be free.

Food gives me comfort.
Food will always be there.
And if I never find love,
why should I even care?

I think of nothing else,
But the next meal to come...
I have never been special.
Am I special to anyone?

Everything I am is an act.
My smile,
My frown,
The beat of my heart.

No words,

No inspiration,

No pain,

No desperation.




I sit still so long

My skin turns cold.

And I try to remember

The days of old.




My stomach growls

When it's lunch time,

Reaching into my pocket

I take out a dime.




What can it buy?

Nothing.

What I feel inside?

Nothing.




People walk by

They nod at me.

I copy the gesture

And they let me be.




But then he walked in.

Asking questions,

Making suggestions,

Drawing me in...




His warmth reached my heart

And everything melted away.

When I thought it was over,

He promised he would stay.




My mind is still a blank page

Because I don't know who I am.

There is still no words or

Inspiration, or pain or desperation.




But there is HIM.

and to me,

Insignificant me...

He is everything.

'Mommy, why are you so sad?'
My daughter used to say.
She was always so sick and frail
And I watched her fade away.

Her weight in my arms
One day turned to dust.
Words of love and comfort,
Suddenly were not enough.

Everything starts with a good-bye.
The pain, The shame, The wish to cry...

Feels like falling into a pit,
But like a bird we must open our wings,
Let go of any strings, And fly.

And if we fail, so what?
We shall hold our head high.

We did not give up,
We did no accept to simply... die.
Smiling when desiring to cry,
Someone else's life started...
With our final good-bye.

Sometimes in trying to build something up,
We must first break it down.
I have witnessed many smiles
Suddenly turn into frowns.

Bad Guy or good guy?
Well, depends whom you ask.
But after change, acceptance,
Will make you free at last.

Pushing you hard today,
May break your young heart...
Yet how could I not
Give you a kick start?

Love me. Hate me.
But always, always be
Nothing more, nothing less
Than completely, undoubtedly, free...

"If I ever knock on your door, would you open it for me?
After all I've done, would we ever be back here?

Where we started? A place we should never have left?

Would you welcome me into your life?
Could I be so blessed?

You do understand don't you? The reason I have to go?
There is another in my life... Someone special I'm responsible for.

But I do love you. Remember that as I walk away...  Specially if i don't turn back, as you beg me to stay."

Eyes closed,
Hugging my knees,
Ignoring the cold,
And wishing for bliss.

A lonely girl
With nowhere to go,
Hoping and praying,
For love once more.

That's my story,
Each and every day,
But I'm only a stranger,
So you just walk away.

Sometimes I wonder...
"What's wrong with me?
Why can't anyone,
Notice that I am here?"

Then I lay back down
concrete against my back
A reminder from God:
At least I'm not dead.

Unlike many of you
I am fully, truly alive
I have nothing to lose
I'm not drowning in pride.

30 YEARS AGO
*******************­*****

He could no longer smell lead in the air when he opened his eyes. He had somehow survived the war, but couldn't tell how long he had been passed out for. "Long enough I bet" He said to himself on a tone so low, he wondered if he had truly spoken or just imagined it. Doing a quick assessment of his surroundings his heart grew sad. Nothing moved. His friends, his foes... all dead, piled on top of each other.

Oscar slowly moved the weight of his body onto his forearms, trying to get a better view of the carnage that surrounded him. His body hurt quite a lot, but his legs, stretched out before him didn't. Not at all. For a second he allowed himself to smile. He would be able to walk out of there and get help. He moved the bodies that lay on top of his lower body to assess the real damage on his legs but nothing could have prepared him for what he saw. Oscar had lost both legs from the knee down, and rats ate at what was left of his upper leg. He screamed and his eco was heard across the field.

*****************­******

The next time Oscar opened his eyes he lay on a hospital bed. His mother sat next to him, holding his hand; Her small face puffed up from crying.

"My son" She tried to speak further but her tears threaten to drown her.

"Mother" Oscar calmed his voice, trying to comfort the sobbing woman "I am alright" He smiled at her but it did not reach his eyes.

"They say they can fix you" she said rapidly, barely stopping to breathe. "They say they can make you whole again! Give you back your legs, and full function of your body. They even said they can make you stronger. Better. Smarter." She stopped then. Let go of her son's hand, and started to pace the room. "Not that I think you aren't fine as you are" she added.

"They? Who are you talking about mother?

"The doctor. We are in the military hospital. You have been honorably discharged due to the nature of your injuries. If you refuse the deal, you'll be moved to a civilian hospital next week. If you accept, then you'll undergo the enhancement right away."

The door opened, and a  young man walked in. His intelligent, metallic gray eyes scanned the room, till they landed on Oscar.

"Hello Oscar" He paused as if expecting a reply. Upon receiving none, he continued. " I am Michael Black-Hunter"

"Mr. Black-Hunter is the doctor I've been telling you about son" Oscar's eyes met his mother's. He saw hope there.

"Please Ellen, call me Mike"

Oscar cleared his throat. "I'll do it." Startled by the notion that he would not have to do any persuasion that particular day Mike grinned to himself.

"Very good, very good. First things first. I must rid you of any weakness" Mike quickly  snapped his fingers and mumbled in a language unknown to anyone else in the room. A second goes by, then a minute. Suddenly time had lost its grip on Oscar and Ellen.

"Ellen dear" Mike approached the woman, turned her body to face Oscar "Can you tell me who the gentleman on the hospital bed is?"

Ellen seem puzzled by the question, but she replied regardless. "Mr. Black-Hunter why do you mock me? You are well aware I do not know this man."

"And you Oscar? Who is Ellen to you?"

Oscar made an impatient sound. "I have no time for this Mike, the woman said we don't know each other!"

"How perfect." Pleased with his work, Michael Black-Hunter walked a confused Ellen out of the hospital room.

******************­******
                                        PRESENT DAY

Brooke faced Oscar. Anger radiated from her tiny frame like angry ocean waves during a storm.

"I don't need you. I can do this on my own, I always have." Brooke proceeded to step away from Mike, unaware of a new agent charging with intent towards her. Within seconds the agent's knife made contact with Brooke's skull. She collapsed on Oscar's arms.

"I thought she would dodge that" The agent screamed as Oscar held her up by the throat with one hand. "Its part of the training to go against one of the best, you know that." Tears fell from her eyes but Oscar could not find a **** to give. He broke the agents neck. Her name tag fell from her breast at the same time life left her body. Oscar caught the tag in his hand then read the name out loud. 'Ellen' it said. That made him feel funny, but he couldn't be sure why.

"You failed" Oscar dumped her body on the ground. Then carried Brooke inside to get patched up. "You can't die Brooke. I actually need you" He whispered to her passed out form. After dropping her off with the nurse he went back outside to light the cigarette he had been craving. The new agent's body was gone.




to be continued....

I do believe that you fell in love,
With yourself most likely.
But at least I acknowledge it,
So I still smile brightly.

It seem to upset you...
my ability to move on.
But you never cared for me
In that sense you have won.

You've won my heart
Which clearly wasn't enough.
So when you left, though it hurt,
It made me a bit more... tough.

Every time you texted me after we went our separate ways
gave me hope.
That was very ****** up of you,
I still wait around and I don't know how to cope.

You absence and silence cut deep into my core.
Deeper than any knife, stronger than any lure.
Though you squeeze my heart
You'll always be the man I adore.

Your touch heats my skin,
Your kiss sets me on fire.
You take only what YOU need,
And leave me burning with desire.

I've been told to be patient and kind
But I'm only an object, aren't I?
So why do people care if I fall and break
And take lives in my wake?

You called again. And I hate myself.
This is how it always goes
Before the second ring
I'm already saying hello.

In love with the sea...
As lonely as this may be,
The last note has been sang,
And now nothing can be done.

He comes and goes, like the waves
And almost never, ever stays.
So what am I, a girl, to do
To hide a feeling I feel is true?

In love with the sea...
The warmth stolen from me.
But in love I still sing the song
And now nothing can be done.

When my strength comes to an end
Then I finally understand
To flow forever with the sea
Free of form one must be.

In love with the sea...
As lonely as this may be.
What is a girl to do,
To hide a love she knows is true?

Here I sit,
Looking at you
But pretending no to.

Lending a hand
Every time you fall,
But not recognized at all.

Is this all there is to life?

I stand.
For once you notice me.
But is too late now
Today, You mean nothing to ME.

We are so different I could even say,
That I am night and he is day.

If I pick north he will pick south.
Who in here knows what I'm talking 'bout?

But love is a game we like to play,
So when I try to leave he makes me stay.

From time to time though, there's an eclipse
And we both agree that life is a bliss.

This life - this game- we like to play
Sometimes it end, but begin right away.

We will never let each other go
Because each other is what we live for.

Dear Cris,

I thought I loved you once. And it truly was so... but it wasn't meant to be; so I had to let you go.
We even remained friends thinking these feeling would not grow.
I then met the most beautiful person in this entire world!
You begged me for a second chance, but I said it was too late.  Then came the moment of weakness that sealed our fate. You kissed me and I kissed you. You loved me and I loved you too. Our bodies were one when I wasn't free...
You didn't ever see the cheater that I started to see in me.
I tried to break up with the most amazing man;
But when I thought about losing him, only then I could understand. It hurt me more than when I had to let you go.
How stupid I was... Holding on tightly to the past.
You know, he fought for me. And he fought hard. So I decided to forget what we did and who I was. I'll spend the rest of my life loving this man. I hope you understand.

His truly,
Jess.

The IMPORTANT thing
Is your ability to LOVE
NOT who loves you.

What you may GIVE
Not what you may GET
Makes this TRUE.

If I BREAK down
Don't ever FROW,
Play me a SOUND.

Of your HEART beating
Never STEERING
To other SHORES.

I open my mouth
But no words come out,
I lift my pen
And no longer know how,

To express myself,
And how I feel.
As if the world itself,
Stopped being real.

Then I hear a song
And tears roll down
Sensations awaken
As I start to drown.

There isn't a soul,
that can save me now.
Or maybe there is...
I just can't see how.

I experience life through a looking glass.
Like reaching for something foreign... in the dark.

You offered me your hand,
In fear I stepped away...
Who could ever truly want
An empty piece of clay?

And that's all I was...
Till your love shaped me.
Into a birdlike form,
Finally I was set free.

Except I wasn't.
So much held me down.
Not happy with so little
My smile turned to frown.

Everyday you reminded me
What made me who I am
And eventually I smiled again
As I started to understand:

Even if I shattered into a thousand pieces
Having you  around will always be enough.
If love were to be considered a crime,
Is it one we are both guilty of.

I was born in the wrong era.
Though I wear pants,
I want to dress like Cinderella.

I want my corset to dig into my skin,
And my ******* to pop.
Is my life anything like that?
I must tell you...of course not!

I want my lover to feed me fruit,
And touch me as if I am made of gold.
Men nowadays are nothing like that.
They are too **** bold... or old!

I want to receive love letters
And go on walks on the park.
I want to go to fancy *****
And criticize cheap art.

I was born in the wrong era.
And though I talk too much
I want a man to kiss me before I start.

If only...

I turn my face and look away,
I hold my tears till they are gone
The pain helps me realize that
Falling in love makes me a pawn.

My mind is always racing,
At times I can barely sleep.
And If  my body stopped aching
The price I pay wouldn't seem so steep.

I lay beside his sleeping form.
My body, fully awake and wanting.
The craving between my thighs
is so strong its haunting.

My mouth opens but no words come out.
I will him to wake and touch me.
In the end its not his fault.
I'm the one that must set me free.

Perhaps we made a mistake
By choosing one another.

My faults and your faults, together,
Starts to become a bother.

You push me to open up
By crossing every line.

I **** you off by pushing back,  
And asking for more time.

That's where we left off....
Silence gripping us tight.

I'm afraid lover,
Afraid our love will soon die.

My spirit animal is a sloth.
I do the bare minimum to survive.
Does it bother me?....Not!

Its actually quite fun
To watch others work, and work
Someone tell me what is it worth!

I mean, when you die
Everything you sacrificed for
Doesn't it stay behind?

Besides, people do stuff for me.
A thank you and a smile later
They definitely let me be.

This happens over and over again
So I've settled into it
My folks still complain a bit.

But come on now...
When does an apple fall far from a tree?
Certainly didn't happen to me!

My spirit animal is definitely a sloth
Does it bother you?
I hope not.

I remember when I was young
And my empty stomach would ache,
My grandma would dance with me
And all my troubles would go away.

We never had enough food,
Many times I saw her cry.
But if I asked if she was hungry
Often times she would lie.

"When you eat, it gives me strength"
Then her stomach would growl,
I didn't get it but didn't push
At six years old I didn't know how.

God never left our side,
So things started to improve.
At 70 she held a job as housekeeper
And so we fell into a groove.

I became her little helper
So she wouldn't mess up her knees.
I was just the right size
To fit most places with ease.

I feel like we grew old together
But it didn't last long,
I moved away with my mother
And grandma was left alone.

She did have the rest of our family
But they only care about themselves.
They take but rarely give,
Not caring about anyone else.

It's been years since I saw my grandma.
Nowadays I dance alone,
When I'm sad though, I give her a call
And suddenly I am home.

My hands are tainted with blood.
A mental guilt no one else is aware of.

Two months out of the year
Children have unlimited fun
The beach is a bit crowded
As families bathe under the sun.

But happiness is ever present
That's pretty hard to ignore.
Then comes first day of school
And we long for just one more...

Day of Summer

With all my curves
And my short hair
I feel other than beautiful...
Not that you'd ever care.

You look me up and down.
Disappointment on your stare...
And when you turn away,
It's over right then and there.

Unsatisfied, you tell others;
Of the mess that I can be...
And so I start all over
I hide the real me.

I am not scared of dying,
I am scared of how i'll die.
Does anyone want to go
With a knife through their eye?

Imagine feeling the tip
At the very back of your skull...
Would you still be conscious
When the medics tried to pull?

Or what if your car crashed
And there was no one around
To help you out of it
Right before that 'BOOM' sound?

Would you hear it yourself?
Or would you choke on smoke?
That's why I fear certain deaths
Doesn't sound very dope.

But if I went in my sleep,
At 100 years old,
I would smile down at my body
When upwards I start to float.

Now, here is my issue!
What if I was dragged down?
Hell isn't a fun place
That also makes me frown.

I better go to church
And stop this talk of death
When I go, I go
But it isn't my time yet.

I was seven years old
When my dad broke my heart.
He said he would move away
But we would never be truly apart.

I waited, and waited...
Sometimes in the  intense heat, or snow
But only with age I learned
That my dad would never show.

One day I got tired of waiting
and stopped watching the road.
My heart hardened a bit though mom
Still thought it was made of gold.

I guess at this point was when
I started to lowkey hate men.
Never have one kept his word to me
Not josh, nor Caleb. Not Keith, nor Ben.

All my relationships fail,
I leave them before they leave me.
It hurts less you know?
When you know you hold the key.

So at 20 years this where I am at.
And this is why I write.
It takes the pain away you see,
Some, but not much.

There wasn't enough for everyone.
Be it food or love, or happiness...
Someone always had get it on their own.

And that's how i grew up...
Loving, but not.
The only thing worth beliving in was
Something  you yourself previously got.

'Cause what's yours no one can take.
And with all you have,
Which isn't much!
Being at stake... make no mistake.

They'll come for it.

Mama didn't raise a player,
But here is the thing about me...
Two men want my attention,
But... 'twas once three!

When I walk my hips sway,
A rhythm hard to resist...
I turn must men down,
Yet they tend to persist.

Is it my dark, secretive eyes?
WHAT IS IT about me?
Two men love me deeply,
But... 'twas once three!

I am grateful for my luck
But the reason I sing my song
Its cause two men love me
But I only need one.

I stepped on a water puddle and looked down.
My heart-shaped face seemed frozen into a frown.

A little girl walked by and touched my hand,
Then I smiled, and started to understand.

My world is a lonely one in a good day,
And if I ever tried to change it... I couldn't say.

To my left was a man with his head between his legs
He needed money to buy his family at least a dozen eggs.

No luck had he, no one gave him a dime.
An older fellow he was, no longer on his prime.

To my right stood a single mom
Never have I ever seen someone look so alone.

I got tired of all the depressive crap
And finally, oh finally, I began to act.

I gave the girl a big smile,
The man a couple bucks,
The woman a pat in the back
For me I bought socks.

Water had gotten into my shoes...

If today was the last day of my life,
It matters not how I am meant to die.
And for those I'm leaving behind...
Remember to always be gentle and kind.

We tend to leave a mark,
be it light or dark...
It is there to stay
Yes, it won't go away.

They say love is patient and love is kind
They say it is deaf, and also blind.
They say gestures are more valuable than words
I can't ever calculate how much you're worth.

Ink on paper warms my heart,
So set it a flame
And I'm yours from the start.

Ink on paper is a feeling of love,
Forever free,
Like a milky-white dove.

Ink on paper is very hard to do,
I fail over and over
And for that I feel blue.

But ink on paper is also a drug...
Can't let go or quit
Clouds your mind with its fog.

Its forever you know?
Your contract with it...
So think once, maybe twice
Before indulging in bliss.