If I were to leave tomorrow
Would you notice?

If I disappeared before your eyes
How long before you searched for me?

You said our love was immeasurable
Yet you tried to rival it others

Was it ever enough for you?

The love I offered you
The gifts I handed you
----
If I could take it back
I would return to you

If I could see you again
I would run across the world

I made the worst mistake
When I turned my back

Every moment was perfection
When I was side by side

With You
----
I wish I could take it all back

I wish I could get you out of my head

Your touch haunts my every passing thought

Yet I miss it so

If only I could

Let it all go
----
In my dreams

I see your face

I see your smile

I hear your laugh

I feel your lips

If only I could

Let it all go

How come I can never feel the same?
Always these differing thoughts
These feelings of emptiness
These thoughts of pain and loneliness
But the sudden jolts of joy
The bursts of energy and imagination

Why do they never go away?
I am always trapped
In my own head
In my own self-destruction

I can never escape it
It is persistently digging in my soul
Locking me away in a prison cell
Something I can only imagine
Yet never describe
Always there
But never tangible

Am I broken?
Am I damaged?
Or am I just human?

Take me from this realm
Take me to another place
Another home
Take me so I must not suffer anymore

Take me to a place I may be alone
Alone with my thoughts
Alone with my memories
Alone without pain

Take me somewhere
Somewhere I may live
Freely and safely

Take me somewhere
Somewhere I may live
Without fear
Without pain

Take me away
Away to a new home

Without your guiding light
I am lost
In the darkest room
With no way out
With no sunlight
Nor moonlight

The darkness is all consuming
Nothing survives the sea of black
Not even the light I tried to give you
To keep you happy
To keep us together
To keep me fighting

I have no way out
All I can do
Is sit in the darkness
And wait
Wait for the next person to come
For them to save me
Before I am lost

If my time has come
You may release me

If I have served my purpose
You may let me go

You may let go of me
And let me fall
Like a sack
Filled with bricks
Sinking to the bottom
Of the deepest pits of the ocean
Reaching my final resting place

You may turn me over to my fate
And let me slip from your grasp

I am no longer needed
So let me go
Let me rest
Let me go
Let me free
You keep me chained
Like a dog
Chained to your soul
To your mind and yours games
The games you play to hurt me
The games you play to crush me
To ruin me

If you have had your fun,
Let me go
Drop me like a piece of trash
Like a broken toy
You no longer want
Throw me out the window
Leave me on the side of the road
Maybe I'll become of use to someone new
Someone better

Just release me
And free me

I wish to love
I wish to feel
I wish to keep someone close to me
Close to my heart

I wish to love someone
I wish to cherish them
I wish to always keep them safe
And always warm them
And keep them happy

But I cannot
For when I believe that there may be something
I may be wrong and embarrass myself
For they may not have the same feelings I hold
For they may not think of me in the same way
For they may not desire to hold me close to them
As I wish to

Why do I not love?

Because love hurts
And I've been hurt far too much

Have you ever loved someone?
If you have
You know the feeling

The pure bliss
The joy
The overwhelming desire

The desire to love them
Be with them
And have them by your side
Always and forever

But you also know the feeling
Of having to let them go
When it doesn't work
Or there is no way
That you can be together

I know both of these feelings all too well
I know the joys it brings
I know the pains it brings

I know I can't have her
Nor can I have her pearly white smile
Nor can I have her precious soft blue eyes
Nor the perfect personality of hers
Nor her incredible body, even if she sees differently

Even if my love goes reciprocated
I will still always love her
With my soul, heart, and my entire life
Even for the love I cannot have

I fell asleep to the music and memories of you
I got high off the remnants of your lingering perfume
Caught in my jacket that you wore

They say we're all destined for one other
Thought that was you
Guess I was wrong

Do you remember the place we first met?
I do
My darkest times
My weakest of moments

You took me in
Fixed me and my broken soul
Healed me from my shattered self

You showed me the good in life
Just as I had seen the bad
I only found it got worse

You gave and gave
But little did I know
You could take and take just as easily.

I made many mistakes in my time
But there is one I regret above all
Meeting you

Guess you'll find me at the same place we first met
My darkest times
My weakest moments
And my broken heart

Are there times when you feel alone?
Lost in the world with nowhere to go
As if you have been cut off
From any and all forms of communications
With the outside world

And then the feelings come
The feelings of dread
The feelings of no escape
As if you are stuck inside a submarine
Sinking to the bottom of the ocean
Watching the slow descent

And your heart
It pounds for freedom
It yearns to feel free again
Free from these shackles
That are ripping at its strings
And crushing it to oblivion

That pain
It's like no physical pain
There is no morphine for it
You can't drug it away
And it hurts
It really does hurt

Love; what truly is love?
Is it when you want to have them solely for their body?
Nay; for that is lust, not love.

True love; what can truly define it?
Is it how much money someone has?
Nay; for that is greed, not love.

True love is not found in material possessions.
Rather, true love is found from within the person
Beneath their skin
Beneath any emotional armor they put forth
Once you crack their armor, and they willingly choose let you in, that is love
When the two of you can speak kindly, gently, and without reserve, all out in the open with nothing to hide

Love is when there are boundaries that have already been set and bound and aren't broken
Love isn't when one of the two wields a blade of steel, a sword of words, or a dagger of ultimatums against the other
That isn't love; for that is betrayal

There are many sins I've committed in my time. I've exchanged hurtful words and I've lied. I've hurt others for my own betterment and I've stabbed others in the back. I thought it was fine and minimal to what others had done to me.

After all, how bad could I be when others had whipped me, threatened my life, beat me, broke my heart, and stabbed me in the back. Why did they deserve my mercy? Why did they deserve my forgiveness? Why did I have to be better than them?

They didn't deserve it. Why should I have to be a shining example? Why should I have to be above the rest? I didn't want that life, nor did I want that stress. Shining examples is what we're supposed to be, right?

Well, here's MY shining example. Don't keep pushing yourself for the approval of others. Their opinions don't matter anymore. Be yourself and stand up strong. You got a long road ahead of you, so find what makes you happy and do that. Don't ever try to change yourself for other's approval; That will just hurt you more.

And when they don't approve of you now that you've conformed to their standards? Then what? Are we just expected to move as if nothing's wrong and we're perfectly fine? And, what if we can't? We're not like a machine that functions without flaws; We're humans and have emotions and can be hurt.

We can still be hurt.

Exhaustion creeps in and the fog settles down.
It is time for sleep, but never rest.
The moment you close your eyes in peace.
That is the moment you get hurt by those you trust the most.

They say
The eyes
Are the window
To the soul

If that is true
Then I have seen
The darkest of souls
And the kindest of hearts
All in one person

And I fell in love with those eyes
Their graceful gaze
Gliding across the room
Soft blue, like apatite
Or a river running over the soft stones of the ground

They dragged me in
And I can't let them go
Every time I see them
I can be relaxed and comforted
And every time we lock eyes
I lose myself

In those eyes that I love

Blue and green
Brown and green
So many different combinations
Yet so little difference

She is still caring, loving, and protective
Why did I become so blessed as to be able to know her?
Why am I the one she trusts more than anyone?
Why was I the one to fall the hardest for her?

It was her eyes
Those eyes
Those ****** eyes
They are the eyes of a shattered lover,
trying to rebuild themselves.

I know because I have seen them
In the mirror

Watch your back and your partner's back;
No matter what you two have going on between you two
Only then can you two survive in this world
Put your trust in your partner
But remain wary of betrayal from within
For anyone can betray you

Nous nous battons pour protéger ceux que nous aimons; et nous sacrifier à notre tour.
Le heurtoir en argent posé sur la porte de la mort s'est égratigné et s'est usé dans ma main.
Dans la mort, nous trouvons la paix, mais dans la vie, nous trouvons l'amour.
Avec cela, vous ne pouvez pas gagner la guerre, mais soyez assuré que vous gagnerez la bataille en cours
Et, la bataille sera gagnée, pas avec des chiffres, mais avec la volonté pure
Tant que vous ne tombez pas en proie aux mains égoïstes de la cupidité
Et même si ces mains vous dévoraient, vos grands héritages survivront dans ceux qui vous ont connu
Et le baiser doux de la mort sera juste un autre tourneur de page dans votre histoire sans fin.
Car une histoire, aussi importante que la tienne, ne meurt jamais; il est seulement oublié dans la bibliothèque d'un esprit
Pourtant, je promets de rester et de garder les pages de tomber entre les mains de la carie
Car même si ces pages tombent, elles seront rappelées et surveillées; regardé par ceux qui vous regardaient avant
Parce que ces souvenirs ont été conçus par le seul amour intouchable par les mains du temps.

One lie
One harsh lie
One to drive apart
A friendship from months ago
A love only barely cultivating
Barely more than a month old

A liar
Her betrayal scarred
Scarred a friend
And their honor

She lied and tried to take him down
He told the truth and was called a liar
Now he is alone there
He is secluded from them

Her betrayal slashed across him
A **** appeared
One so deep
He needs a new heart

His walls were brought down by her
He trusted her
He trusted her with everything
And she took that and burned it
Threw it into the mud
Soiled the purity and innocence he had with her
Every moment of joy he felt with her
Gone in a second

But he never broke down in front of her
They would never see him shatter
And collapse from her
Not ever
He instead turned to friends
Asked for help and got some
But he turned to himself

A razors' edge on his body
Red trails followed it
Slowly he watched the red as it fell
Splashed across the floor and left even more red paint
He simply stared at the puddles
The sting was nothing more than a numb throb
He couldn't let them see him like this
Breaking down and bleeding

He hid himself
Didn't let anyone see
His collapse and descent
From calm and cool and collected
To broken and shattered and crumbled

He didn't want anyone to see this
So he wrote this

One
Stunning smile
Shining as bright as New York City
On New Year's Eve

Two
Gorgeous eyes
Blue as soft sapphires
Under a running creek

One
strong and alluring heart
full of hope and strength
Beating as loud as a drum
In an orchestra

She denies her beauty
No matter how much we say it's the truth
Her special other and I
We never want to hurt her

She loves him
He loves her
I love her
But, I can't have her

Perhaps that is my fate
Perhaps it is my fallacy
But all I know is that
I am jealous

I know it’s my fault.
All of it.
My grades.
My failed friendships.
All of them are because of me.
I can’t keep up this facade of happy and cheery guy,
who is always ready for the day,
and has recovered from anything instantly.
I should’ve kept my mouth shut though.
Am I really being petty?
He thinks I am.
I don’t know how she feels.

She probably hates me.
I lied to her.
Again.
I said I wouldn’t leave her, no matter what, unless she asked me to.
But, I left her.
Because I was jealous and petty.
And, now, I can’t even stand to see myself.
I deserve every bit of pain I feel.
All of it is a small amount of the punishment,
I deserve for lying to her.

Every scar is a memory of a punishment I deserved.
But, you know why I left her?
Because I wanted my family to be proud of me again.
But, you know what happened?
I was attacked by my sister.
She bit and scratched me.
I showed Sam, and she didn’t find it important.
So, I couldn’t bear feeling this irrelevance.
I knew I was irrelevant.
I was useless.
I was there as a pack mule,
or a punching bag,
or a way to take out your rage.

But, I couldn’t stand it.
She had said she loved me.
Then, she took it all back.
Then, she said she loved me again.
She trusted me with so much ****, and I trusted her right back.
Now, I regret every word of pain I said to her.
I wish I could take it back, but I know I can’t.
All I want to tell her, ‘I’m sorry.’
That is it.
Nothing more.
Just that I am sorry.
I know she probably will never forgive me, but it’s worth a try.
So, to her, I am useless and irrelevant.
Like an old car model.
Outdated, and driven out.

I loved her.
I could never tell if she loved me or not.
She loved me one minute, then didn’t the next.
And, out of the blue, ‘I love you’ again.
Everyday, a new story coming from her mouth.
I was done.
I am done.
She is happy with him.
Let them be, I say to myself.

But,
How can you let someone you love go?

I thought she was helping
But when I looked into it
She was taking help
But never returning it

I'd been warned
I hadn't listened
I didn't want to believe them
I wanted to love her

She was so perfect
She had so much beauty
Both inside and out
And I trusted her
But I soon realized that
She didn't want to give help
Only take it

Instead of love or help
She gave grief and pain
She only made it worse
I tried my best to be with her
She stayed with the same guys
Passing me by every day

She kept me loyal
Small gifts here and there
I tried to pass them off
But her smile was too powerful for me

It pulled me in
Wouldn't let go
I didn't want it to
She made me feel warm
And happy
And giddy
And complete again

Now, I only have one way
Back up
I plan to go up
With someone else

But what if that all changes?
What if I am left behind?
What if I am obsolete now?
What if my personality has no match?

I just have to let go of her
And just move on now

The day I saw her
I had little interest in love
First day of school
I stood away from the crowds

Everyone knew someone
I knew no one
My only interest was drill

Then, we got into teams
Drill, Raiders, Color Guard
Her and I
We both chose drill

She sat with her closest friend
I watched her because she'd piqued my interest
Her dark hair, a deep brown
Her eyes, a soft sky blue
Her smile, absolutely stunning

It was a month before we even exchanged a word to each other
All she said, 'Hi.'
Shyly, I replied, 'Hello.'

What came from her next surprised me,
'You're my best friend.'

And, already, she'd captivated me
With only four words
Her confidence resonated

Already, she had me wrapped around her finger
Now, it was a matter of tugging
I tried to hold up my wall
I couldn't fall for someone else
Not again

I'd been hurt
Why would she be different?

But, I was wrong
She pulled me from the solitary walls I'd built
She made me feel more than resentment
More than anger, or sorrow, or temporary happiness

Everyday, she was there, I was so happy
I was overjoyed
So beaming everyday I could see her again

She had the most beautiful laugh
The most amazing smile
And, the most magnificent body
The best I'd seen in a long time

I'd fallen for her
I thought I was acting out of lust
But, I found myself trying to help her
And be with her as often as possible
And, then, I realized...

I'd fallen in love

Have you ever seen
Death
Right before your eyes?

Taking someone
You care about
Right before your eyes?

I have
I've stared Death right in the eyes
I watched him take her from me

After she was taken
I couldn't watch him be taken too
I couldn't look at death again
I'd go crazy
Staring into the voids of eyes
That it weilded

Nothing but darkness
And abyss
Nothing but
Death
And
Destruction

I could feel fire within its very soul
It burned and consumed all it saw
Nothing was safe from it

You couldn't run
Only wait for it to close in
Only wait for it to stab its scythe through you

No one knows it
None of my friends
I was emotionless that day
I'm scared of what they'll say
Will I be a freak?
Will I be a pariah?
I can't tell them

They would call me
A freak
A demon
A sociopath

Maybe that is what I am
I hope not
I hope I have emotions
And not just faked feelings

I hope I have emotions
But all I could do is watch
And wait
And not feel

Hello.
I am sorry.
Sorry I left.
Sorry I caused pain.
If I did at all.
Sorry I wasn’t worth it.
Sorry I couldn’t help.
Or be worth anything.

I really don’t know.
I love her.
She says the same.
But, turns and says,
I don’t like you.

It hurts.
A pain so sharp.
That not even a knife tearing into me,
Could surpass the pain.

I shouldn’t care.
I was so careful.
I shut everyone else out.
But, she opened my gates.
And, entered my heart.
Then, she tore it apart, slowly.
I used to be strong.
Now, I am nothing.
Only a weak husk of my former self.

I love her.
I really do.
I honestly don’t know how to feel.
Not now.
Not anymore.
Can I trust her?
Can I care for her?
Without being scolded
For being too clingy
Or annoying.

I want to be with her.
I want to care for her.
I want to help her.
I want to be there for her.
At least
I want to be by her side.
Even as a friend.

However,
I fear that
I may have ended
Any chance of that.

Now
I have no guide.
My compass is broken.
Such is my heart.
Shattered and spread out.
Will it ever be fixed?
I don’t know.
I wish I did.
But,
I don’t.

I hope
It can be fixed.
One day.
By one person.

Tomorrow
A bright future
One untouched
By my hands
By my destruction

A future I can shape
One I can shape
But not without help
I cannot shape it
Without someone

Someone I can trust
I only trust so many
And I feel that list shortening
Everyday that I hurt them
Or are hurt by them

Tomorrow is a day without mistakes
A day I can call my own
A day I can say I am ready
A day I can go and be friendly
To those I trust and am trusted by

I want to be able to help
And be able to be helped
I don't want to hurt
Nor do I want to be hurt
For a betrayal is the greatest pain of them all

I once asked myself
Would I like to live
in a crafted life

Or live
in a world
I can shape

Or just
take it all
away from me
and sleep

I am here
And I am ready to take on tomorrow
Every day
I can see them and, her,
is the best day of my life
Tomorrow is the best day of my life

A strong pillar
of love and care
All comes crumbling down
when left unattended

Just like a pillar
A person in love
needs to know they have love back
Or else they collapse

I can attest
that when you love
and they don't love you back
it's like someone took a scalpel
and cut your heartstrings
and left you to bleed out

Or it feels like you've been arrested
Serving time for a crime you haven't done
A circumstance that you cannot control
Like you are locked behind bars
and the person you fell for is on the other side
Swinging the keys in their hands
Tempting and teasing you and leading you on

Only so many lovers keep it together
And so many relations are lost to the never ending abyss
of despair, pain, and jealousy
I can attest

I tried to save her
But I never thought about
How hard I pushed
And now
She holds disgust for me

She cares for herself
She wants friends to help
I can help her
But only so much
Or she hates me

I wish I could do more
Be more to her
Help her more
Be with her more
But it's too late for me
It's too late for us

It's done and over with
I guess I tried
And that's all that matters
Right?

Let's hope
One day
This'll recover and
I can be with her

One day
Let's hope

Love
Hate
Honesty
Deceit

All of these
poured into a relationship
All of these
hurt and ease the pain

We all want one thing
To be desired and cared for
To be loved and to love back
But sometimes
We cannot

Sometimes
We feel a pain
One so hard
that we never recover

Whether it be via betrayal
Or via pure honesty
Or via hatred for the other
Or maybe the love you feel drives them away

You may never know
But perhaps
You were never meant to
Perhaps we are tortured with these feelings for a reason

Be it to be hurt and tortured
or to be loved and desired
We will never know
So we push on now and wall ourselves
To protect ourselves
And not feel the pain

Love
It's like a balancing act
One wrong move
and you're falling from your safety

I can confirm
that if you miss
you are balancing
on the edge of a blade

One pull and it's done
Relieving the pain
Slowly but surely

You talk someone from it
and later you find yourself
doing the same exact thing
A hero or hypocrite
You decide

I can confirm
that it's a dangerous game
A game full of pain
Not just for you
but for your family
friends, and loved ones

It stings
and a blade, dose, or bottle
won't cure it
Only care
from a true friend will

Seek out a friend
and their help will save you
You will find them in the most unexpected places
An old rival, a forgotten friend, or a silent acquaintance
Every soul is a precious item
that must be protected by everything
Never to be extinguished
Only dimmed to burn brighter later on