I barely recognize my reflection
Who am I?
Who is the person in the mirror?
I don't look like myself. This isn't my body.

I'm not a girl
I'm not a girl
I'm. Not. A. Girl.

The mirror says the opposite of my heart.
A stranger looks back.
We argue.
My eyes verus my mind.
My body versus my soul.
My heart.
Glass shatters and breaks it.
I feel it fall to the floor.
Blood dries on the ceramic bathroom tiles.
So do tears.

I refuse to be a girl.
I won't be a girl.
I never have been.

I'm. Not. A. Girl.

sometimes i wonder
if you even cared about me
i wonder if you there's anything about me you know
i wonder if you can see

sometimes i wonder
what goes on in your brain
maybe "i'll use him for a joke"
or maybe "i'll make him go through pain".

sometimes i wonder
if inside me, there's something wrong
if inside everyone who knows me
there's something about hate... a song

a song
a melody
saying something's wrong
something's wrong with me
i can't see
you treated me like ****
but i wanted to be your friend?

why
why did i want to be your friend
you were awful to me
was it my fault?

Words no longer coming to my head
Fingers no longer able to hold a pen
Hands no longer able to type
My skill flown away
Losing my mind
Losing my hope
Losing my happiness
Losing everything
Slowly
Going
Crazy

loud noises
crowded rooms
eating
talking
living
hoping
dreaming
wishing
can't do anything about it
can't do anything without being reminded

i don't understand
i just don't understand
why every single time
i cover it with a sleeve or cargo pants
and tell myself
"that was the last time, i'm going to stop doing this."
but its happened so many times
i know it's a lie

Turns out
Crystal clear
Might not be as clear as we think

I look through glass
And I see a warped version of you
A twisted version of the person I once loved

I look through quartz
And I see a kind person
Someone who cares
Someone who loves.
That's not who you are.

I can see for myself.
I don't need any crystals that manipulate me into thinking you are good.
You're not.
Leave me alone.

Today
I visited a cemetery
For a geocache
But I found
Something else
I visited the Italian section
Hoping to find some of my culture
But I found
A small grave
Sticking out of the ground
Labeled
”Alice”
It had her parents names
And nothing but her date of birth
And death
She was seven months old.
Her poor parents
She never got to speak
To walk
To wonder
To make friends
To go to school
To get a job
I wonder
If her parents still think about her
If they're even still alive

Poor baby Alice…

i know that hate never helps
it never helped anyone
only makes things worse or keeps it the same
doesn't change what happened
can't change the past,
saying this is meaningless.
but after all you did to me,
i think i have the right to say this:

i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you.

okay. one more time.
I. HATE. YOU. 😊

I'm not going
To hide my story
Anymore
My name
Is none of your business
My age
Is also none of your business
But here goes

I have been bullied
Since kindergarten
But last year
It was awful
It started normal
Just light things
About my clothes
Hair
Or **** like that
But then
It got worse

First
I told my friend
That I got diagnosed with ADHD
and I have no idea how
But it spread around
And they used that against me
The called me a r*****
They made fun of me

Second
I got diagnosed
With depression and anxiety
And same thing happened
It spread around
They mocked me
I would get panic attacks
I couldn't breathe
And they would mimic me
Surrounding me

Third
They made fun of my weight
They called me skinny
Picked me up
Without consent
And called me tiny
So i started eating more
I overate in order to gain weight
Hoping they would leave me alone
But they didnt
They noticed
And called me fat
And that's where things started going down quicker

I starved myself
I would go days without eating
I sometimes still do
I made myself throw up
I sometimes still do
And guess what
They noticed.
They made fun of me

Fourth
My addictions got worse
I started cutting myself
Every day
And guess what!!
They ******* noticed!
They made fun of me
Probably not even knowing
What they were
Then
I became more suicidal
Than before
I attempted
Multiple times

Fifth
My parents found out
I got sent to the hospital
Got sent to a therapist
And I realized
If I hadnt lied to the doctors
I would have been sent to a mental hospital

Sixth
My parents obsessed over my eating disorder
They forced me to eat
When i couldnt
Because now
I am too afraid to eat
Because I'm scared
That the bullies will come back again
Whenever im near food
I hear their voices
Taunting me
Laughing at me

And throughout this whole experience
(In nothing but a year and a half, i might add)
I had a toxic friends
Who hurt me
Never had anything kind to say
And now
I dont know why
But we are still "friends".

So
Thats my story
I know most people here probably dont care, but there you go
The cat is out of the bag

What is wrong with humanity
We torture animals to entertain ourselves
We separate them from their families
We burn their homes
Flames licking at ancient trees
We poison their waters
We fill them with plastic and oil
And say that we have it bad
What have we done?

You can't go anywhere that Hasn't been touched and ruined by humans.
Not a forest with no footsteps
Not an ocean with no plastic
Not a mountain where humans haven't planted their flag.
What have we done?

Homes
Gone.
Lives
Lost.
A collapsed society, built on greed and neglect
World awful
Whoever has more money wins
People stuck on violent, garbage filled streets
Animals in chains
What have we done?

Birds try to fly
But wings are tied
Fishes try to swim
But gills are caught
What have we done?

The only way to fix it
Is to start over
If only.
If only we could.
Goodbye, dear earth. I'm so sorry.

I think I might not
Trust myself at all right now
Because why should i...

"she said she was too busy"
she hates you. you should just back off.
"he said he doesn't have that many friends"
he wants you to be a better friend, you aren't there for him.
"they are tired"
i shouldn't have texted them that late, they probably hate me now and want me to leave-
"stop.
this isn't real
my brain is making **** up."
but what if i'm not...?
"oh..."

On my first day in hell
The teacher gave to me
a bunch Of homework

One my second day in hell
The teacher have to me
2 failing grades
And a bunch of homework

On my third day in hell
My teacher gave to me
3 fake friends
2 failing grades
And a bunch of homework

On my fourth day in hell
My teacher gave to me
4 pop quizzes
3 fake friends
2 failing grades
And a bunch of homework

On my fifth day in hell
My teacher gave to me
5 transphobic comments
4 pop quizzes
3 fake friends
2 failing grades
And a bunch of homework

On my sixth day in hell
My teacher gave to me
6 pages of work
5 transphobic comments
4 pop quizzes
3 fake friends
2 failing grades
And a bunch of homework
Halfway done!

On my seventh day in hell
My teacher gave to me
7 broken promises
6  pages of work
5 transphobic comments
4 pop quizzes
3 fake friends
2 failing grades
And a bunch of homework

On my eighth day in hell
My teacher gave to me
8 late assignments
7 broken promises
6  pages of work
5 transphobic comments
4 pop quizzes
3 fake friends
2 failing grades
And a bunch of homework

On my ninth day in hell
My teacher gave to me
9 useless lessons
8 late assignments
7 broken promises
6  pages of work
5 transphobic comments
4 pop quizzes
3 fake friends
2 failing grades
And a bunch of homework

On my tenth day in hell
My teacher gave to me
10 rules
9 useless lessons
8 late assignments
7 broken promises
6  pages of work
5 transphobic comments
4 pop quizzes
3 fake friends
2 failing grades
And a bunch of homework

On my eleventh day in hell
My teacher gave to me
11 books to read
10 rules
9 useless lessons
8 late assignments
7 broken promises
6  pages of work
5 transphobic comments
4 pop quizzes
3 fake friends
2 failing grades
And a bunch of homework

On my 12 (final) day in hell
My teacher gave to me
12 year-olds to manage
11 books to read
10 rules
9 useless lessons
8 late assignments
7 broken promises
6  pages of work
5 transphobic comments
4 pop quizzes
3 fake friends
2 failing grades
And a bunch of homework

And now, to repeat it all again

sometimes,
late at night,
memories drizzle from our eyes
and roll down our cheeks.
unable to forget
no matter how much it hurts

I am not
Emo
I am
Depressed
There is
And always will be
A difference

i hold my skin down
and scrape deep
i muffle my screams
into the pillow on which i sleep

the blood beads up
in an orderly line
then starts to drip
this will be the last time...

Waiting for the worst
Because in 8 days
They will come
The family
The elders
I think people need to stop saying
"Respect your elders."
Because why should i respect them
If they don't respect me

Respect is earned
Not demanded
So maybe
You should stop calling me she
Or transphobic comments
And start treating me like the grandson i am

Grandpa addicted to cannabis
Grandma addicted to alchohol
Their garage reaks if sadness
I think the reason they do this to themselves
Is because they might hate me for who i am
But I think they hate themselves more

DISCLAIMER: in this poem, i do not intend to harm or offend any religious folks!

i was raised atheist
so i never believed in god
once
when i was in kindergarten
a kid asked me
do you believe in god?
he asked everyone.
i said no
i was the only one
and he hurt me
he punched me
pinched me
kicked me
and called me a sinner

i keep getting hate
for how i was raised
in the 5th grade
i tried to start believing
but i couldn't
i respect others views
but i don't share them
and i don't think i ever will
i know a little about discrimination,
as a trans
queer
mentally ill
annoying kid
but i think others know more

religion is a silly little thing
for some people
it's their whole personality
because they love it
and for others
it is a weight on their chest and leaves them with trauma

i respect your beliefs as long as you don't force them onto me

i feel alone
in your hugs
your arms cold
your soul
your skin
your heart
cold
your touch
is like a snowflake
delicate
but cold
so
so
cold.

you can:
ill yourself
krill yourself
spill yourself
mill yourself
gill yourself
will yourself
jill yourself
fill yourself
hill yourself
till yourself
dill yourself
zill yourself
bill yourself
Lauryn Hill yourself
distill yourself
quill yourself
twill yourself
carboxyl yourself
shill yourself
shrill yourself


you cannot:
**** yourself

please don't

Skipping school
Avoid the reminders
Say i feel sick
Say i feel tired
Friends worried
Keep missing
Skipping
Avoiding
Ignoring school.
Avoid these people
At all costs
A list of a sidewalk
To skip down on
When I want to feel pain
Because thats all you brought to me
Skipping school...
Avoid the reminders...
Say i feel sick...
Say i feel tired...

i'm a mess
i'm heartless
i'm a mess
i'm useless
i'm a mess
i am done with everyone
i'm a mess
y'all don't have to clean me up,
i promise
i'll be fine
i always am
haha
i'm a mess

you remind me of so many things
fresh rain on gravel
flowers in the summer and spring
the stars at dawn
happiness
joy
love
because
they were all
gone too soon.
i miss you
i miss you so much

Folding paper cranes for you
Because I heard
That whoever folds the 1000th
Gets a wish
And I want you
To get whatever you need
Because you deserve it

Folding paper cranes
Because I need something to do with my hands
While my head runs away
Thinking thoughts that i'll never understand

if you spend too much time inside your head
you will never get
to experience
the beauty of this world.
this world is right here
may as well use it

don't cry
when i die.
crying over me
is just as useful
as crying over spilled milk.

I miss the good old days
Where we would go to the mall
Read books
Write poetry
And laugh

I miss the good old days
Where we would sleep over at each others houses
Talking about boys
And girls
And music

I miss the good old days
Where we would fight
But the next day
We would hug and make up

I miss the good old days
Where we would watch sad movies
And cry our hearts out
While hugging each other

I miss the good old days
Where we could call each other
Best friends
But i guess
Friends grow apart
I wish we didnt
Because I miss the good old days
And I hope you do too...

sure,
but why did you care about me?
no one ever did before.
is this what it feels like
to feel okay?
because i don't recognize this feeling.
not at all.

sad
sad
sad
sad
sad

why do i feel

sad
sad
sad
sad
sad

i always feel

sad
sad
sad
sad
sad

you never like me when i'm

sad
sad
sad
sad
sad

hope is lost when i'm

sad
sad
sad
sad
sad

i don't want to be

sad
sad
sad
sad
sad

anymore

i think i'm drowning
because i can't breathe
weights tied to my feet
making me sink
sink
sink
deeper into the unknown

i think i'm drowning
because i need a way to stay afloat
no way to breathe
pressure
pressure
surrounding me

i think i'm drowning
because i feel wet sand
beneath my toes
it's all dark
pitch black
all alone
my ears are popping

i think i'm drowning
because i am being choked
by the weight
of all my burdens
my
burdens
i
am
a
burden

i think i'm drowning
because i've reached rock bottom
i'm in the deep end
of the ocean
but nobody cares

i think i'm drowning
but i don't really care
at all
anymore...

anxiety affects
my fragile heart
you can't make it stop
when someone already made it start

anxiety affects
my useless head
asking me "what's going on?"
and "why am i not dead?"

anxiety affects
my confused soul
makes it ask more questions
makes me want to hode in a hole

I love the way you write
I love the way you comment on so many poems
I love the way you post so often
I love the way you bring happiness and poetry
I love the way you show others you care
I love everything I know about you
(Platonically of course)

Honestly
You are my best friend
I love that we can call
And talk about nothing
And everything
All at once
Over the span of thirty minutes

I love that we can do anything
And enjoy doing it
Because we are together

I love that we can go on long walks
And it's like we are the only people in the world
Because we are best friends

why do i keep looking for love
in places with none at all

whats going on
chaos moving in my brain
chaos and panic
world passing by
while i'm stuck
here
in this hellhole
that's bringing pain
and hoping for death
and destruction
i have no idea
whats going on
heart rate going up
breathing fast
brain going crazy
too much happening
for my little, anxious, stupid, empty brain

count the seconds
because every moment counts
you might lose a friend
make one instead
or maybe even fall in love

bicchiere
è una cosa strana
se fa troppo caldo
si scioglierà
ma se lo lasci cadere
si romperà in un milione di pezzi
proprio come il mio cuore
quando hai detto
"non dovremmo più essere amici,
sei semplicemente un peccato.".
il mio cuore è caduto
e distrutto
è diventato acuto
arrabbiato
triste
amaro
confuso
depresso
nervoso
psicotico
­vetro
è una cosa molto strana
ma lo capisco
forse un po' troppo

Build me like IKEA furniture
With wood and screws and pain
Let me talk to you deeply
Let me take up part of your brain

Let me love you truly
With no lies, wrongs or cheats
Let me care for you lovingly,
Let me wrap you In clean sheets.

Let me ****** those who wronged you,
Let them bleed Out on the floor,
Let you smile honestly
When I come knocking at your door

Let nobody near you but me
Let the pain stay far away
Let me be your medicine
You must take me every day.

Don't leave me.
Please love me.
Who is she?
Does she replace me?

I'm not obsessed.
I'm not obsessed.
I love you.
DONT LEAVE.

patty cake
patty cake
baker's man
in the broken mirror
i slap my own hands
blood trickles down
from my skin
please
let me in
patty cake
patty cake
baker's man
please
be my friend
while you still can

Dont call me trans masc
When ive always been a boy

back in the days
where it all began
in the land
where the little children ran
a religion rose
we will now stand tall
Judaism
one god
one god for all

the funny thing about screaming
is that you can do it silently
you can cry for help
just by making eye contact in a certain way
not everybody will notice
but the people
screaming
crying
and clawing at the asylum walls
just like you
will understand
and feel
your pain
i know i do.

maybe your love language
was anger
maybe your love language
was hate
maybe your love language
was treating me like ****
maybe your love language
was saying: "lol can't relate"

because that's all you treated me with
so i hope those are your love languages
because i hope you loved me

My heart
Is a silly little thing.
It pumps and pumps
But the moment I see you
It stops

My heart
Is a silly little thing.
It fights my brain-
Logic vs emotion-
But it almost always wins

My heart
Is a silly little thing.
It's gotten stabbed so many times
That now
It barely even stings

My heart
Is a silly little thing.
It leaps to my throat
Sinks to my stomach-
It seems to be more active than me..

My heart
Is a silly little thing.
It somehow has a mind of its own.
It's a child, my brain is grown-
So now I have no idea what to think

My heart,
It a very silly thing, isnt it?