My heart
Is a silly little thing.
It pumps and pumps
But the moment I see you
It stops

My heart
Is a silly little thing.
It fights my brain-
Logic vs emotion-
But it almost always wins

My heart
Is a silly little thing.
It's gotten stabbed so many times
That now
It barely even stings

My heart
Is a silly little thing.
It leaps to my throat
Sinks to my stomach-
It seems to be more active than me..

My heart
Is a silly little thing.
It somehow has a mind of its own.
It's a child, my brain is grown-
So now I have no idea what to think

My heart,
It a very silly thing, isnt it?

Writing this because I feel like there is so much more to be said

A for anagram
Because you rearranged my brain like a nonsense sentence
B for below
Because that's what my social status is compared to yours
C for complain
Because that's all you ever did
D for dread
Because that's all you made me feel
E for even
Because even now, you mess up my brain
F for freak show
Because that's where you thought I belonged
G for girl
Because even though I was out to you, you still called me one
H for help
Because I think you need some…
I for idk
Because whenever I asked you a question, that's how you responded
J for joker
Because that's what you are, like the card in a deck. Useless
K for kid
Because you act like a toddler
L for lies
Because those are all you told me
M for me
Because that's who you never cared about
N for never
Because that's when you will realize what you threw away
O for okay
Because you know that I'm not
P for power
Because i never realized, but you had it all
Q for quick
Because that's how our friendship ended
R for revenge
Because I know it won't help
S for sap
Because just like sap, you are sticky and annoying
T for thumb
Because I always had to be the one to give you a thumbs up
U for umbrella
Because I was always the one to protect you from the rain, getting nothing in return
V for vacation
Because I sure as hell need one from you
W for whatever
Because you keep saying that, thinking it makes you sound cool
X for xenophobia
Because I think you have that
Y for YOLO
Because I really hope that you do
Z for zzz
Because that's the noise you made when I needed you the most

I think we might need another alphabet…
I know this one is worse, but it still says a lot and was hard to write sooo…

i have to be smaller
i am too big
these people
their words keep repeating in my head
hahaha, she's so light!
ugh, why are you eating so much?
do you know how lucky you are to be light?
i
have
to
be
smaller

if i was icarus
and the wax on my wings melted
i would have apologized to you
for splashing the ocean water on you

if you stabbed me
and i was dying
i would have apologized to you
for getting blood on your shirt

if we fought
and didn't make up
i would have apologized to you
for saying sorry

well,
i'm sorry.
sorry.

i wonder
what you ever did
with all of the friendship bracelets
we had
i still wear them
it hurts too much to take them off

i wonder
if you still remember our secret handshake
that we made up
in the 2nd grade
and kept using
for years
i still practice it
with my tear-stained reflection
in the broken mirror

i wonder
if you still think about me
as often as i think about you
i keep going back
to our old, happy memories
the ones that you (probably) forgot
i sure hope not
because those are the memories
i can't get myself to throw away

i wonder
what you did
with all the pictures of me on your phone
did you delete them
or do you just keep them there
leaving them alone,
just like you did with the real me
i can't believe
that i managed
to cut your face out of a photo
a hole of emptiness-
resembling the one in my soul

i really miss you
but friends grow apart, i guess

innocence
from when i was young
trusting
mentally stable
and what some queers may call
"an egg".

innocence
from before we were friends
when i was treated right
kindly
and what some may call
"not like ****".

innocence
from when things felt real
all the time
i could hear things right
i could see
no confusion
or as some may call it
"i wasn't insane".

i miss my innocence
because now
i need it more than ever

humans love
to put labels on things
for example

someone is sad
they are emo

someone is mentally ill
they are crazy

someone is smart
they are a nerd

someone is strong
they are a ****

someone is small
they are too weak

someone is big
they are too fat

someone is traumatized
"they are just being dramatic"

labels
they really do hurt

a six day war
fight for our lives
form our hives
pray for our wives

a six day war
get our land
let our boots sink in sand
and reach for
that savior of a hand

a six day war
lose our hope
try to cope
we
will
win
the
war

the best i can do is try
the time is ticking by
i'm trying not to cry
this is making me want to die
i say i'm fine but i know it's a lie
i hold back a sigh
"i'm just trying to help"
"you're not an ally",
i reply
i don't sit so people don't see my thighs
i try to keep my mouth shut, but open you pry
we are low on supply
so i guess i better retry
more knots i will tie
alcohol, i apply
to my cuts, while tears fall from my eyes
you aren't someone who which i can rely;
please, don't ruin my disguise

The blade on my desk sings an alluring melody
Tempting me to cut
Telling me that I deserve it
I'm happy… anything but.

I try to ignore
Against the wall i lean
I try to hope
I try to dream

But the song draws me closer
Telling me to cut deep
Telling me that if I do
It'll help me sleep

The avoidance fails.
Blood falls to the floor
Staining the carpet
I close the door.

Silent tears
Hopeless dreams
A ruined life
ripped at the seams

Tears fall to the cuts
It stings.
Is it weird that I like it?
Is it weird the happiness it brings?

When I finish
I cover it with a sleeve.
A future Scar
That I know will never leave.

I didn't Want to.
It was an accident.
A beautiful accident.
A painful accident.
Not an accident.

Help me.

there once was a tailor
who lived in a place unknown
his place was small
but i guess, it was home

he sewed clothes
for people far and wide
with nothing but a thin needle
and fabric by his side.

his job wasn't easy
he worked and worked all day
and the money it made?
well, it barely paid.

but he loved what he did,
with his stitches and thread,
so every night he would lay down
and dream happily in his bed

one day
he got a strange request
he had to make a special robe-
a golden dress.

he tried to explain
this was more than he could do
that this is impossible
but she didn't believe him- so now, he's blue

he tried and tried
but it couldn't be done.
she wanted hundreds of stitches
but he could only do one.

he felt so awful
judging many times over three
so he hung himself
on a branch of the olive tree

the woman was mad
at the tailor
she called him lazy
called him as useless as a sailor

so in the end
nobody won
she didn't get her dress
and the tailor killed himself
because that task simply couldn't be done.

and now,
the olives that come from the tree
remind everyone of him-
and what couldn't be.

we are all wearing black
this is the day before i die
hold in your tears now,
please don't cry

i ask for one last dance
and you say 'yes'
so we hold hands and twirl around,
you look so pretty in your black dress

we dance for hours
until i run out of time
when i fall to the floor
look up, the stars are out; after all, it is nighttime

the stars mean nothing
when you aren't here.

giving up on this life, eating less food i'm going on strike. i hold the knife, i want to take my life. the cuts on my wrists don't hurt no more, but they start to when my mom opens the door. i **** in my stomach so that nobody sees, leave me alone, please. my heart has stopped pumping, stopped thumping, blood is clumping and i can't do this anymore. losing hope, i don't want to cope, wash my mouth with soap because i told you way too much. my teeth are rotting, my vision is spotting, no bunny is hopping and the world just isn't the same anymore. i don't trust you after you pushed me to the floor. but every single time, i come begging, begging for more, knocking on your door, asking your mom if you can play. i'm no longer welcome with my friends, i can't seem to follow the trends. i'm giving up, tbh.

independent
all alone
in this country
we call home

alone
but not lonely
peaceful
... if only

through true struggles and true strife
the awful people take our lives
from rocky peaks to desert sands
a trustworthy hope; a nation's plan

we will make it

i'm running out of time
i have so much to say
so much in my brain
so many people to betray

i'm running out of time
so much happening in this chaotic world
too many people to correct
too many people to tell "i'm a boy, not a girl."

i'm running out of time
so much to tell you
so much to give you
so many things that aren't true

time time time time time
i need more time
i'm running out of time
please give me more time
you won't regret it, i promise

Forget
Olvidar
Oublier
Vergessen
Dimenticare
Vergeten
Esquecer
Un­utmak
Zapomnieć
Glömma
Unohtaa
Glemme
Lupa
Pozabiti
Zaboraviti
El­felejteni
Uita
Pamiršti
Aizmirst
Glemme
Forglemme
Kuliwa
many languages later
And I still can’t forget

Quick breaths
Peppermint tears
And I said,
"Never again."
"Never again will I be the weakest link,
Never again will I fail,
Never again will the pressure
Hit my back like hail."
"Never again will I be weak
Never again will I be lost,
Never again will I feel this way,
No matter the cost."

hahaha
bahaha
****
lol
whyyy
is what i say
but what i want to say
is this:
help me
i'm so alone
i just need a friend
i need help
please
no
everyone keeps leaving me
but i know
if i say any of that ****
you'll run away
just like they all did

Think about it
You could easily ****** someone and get away with it
Think about it
You could watch every movie there is
Think about it
You could marry your one and only love
Think about it
You could learn ever gen alpha term, including skibidi ohio rizz

Think about it
You could slash your exes tires
Think about it
You could spend all your life on a couch
Think about it
You could break every law
Think about it
You could walk never in a slouch

Think about it
You could fall in love
Think about it
You could run away
Think about it
You could fight off a bear
Think about it
You could only do these things if you keep living.
Every day.
Please dont **** yourself.

now
i have to remember you
for longer
than i even knew you.
but i know you will forget me
just like everyone else did.

there's no such thing as cupid
just an electrician
who makes the spark between two parts
and lets them fan the flame
cupid my ***

there's no such thing as cupid
there's no such thing as fate
there's no such thing as love at first sight
there's no way to open the gate
cupid my ***

just randomness
two people that meet in the abyss and sometimes manage to make it work...
cupid my ***

Me
Without you

Is like the moon
Without the night

The fish
Without the ocean

The sun
Without the sky

Tom
Without jerry

Peanut butter
Without jelly

Don't leave, please

i dont know
if im going through a depressive episode
a suicidal episode
a dissociative episode
a derealization episode
a depersonalization episode
a psychotic episode
a sociopathic episode
or something else
but something is definitely wrong

is it just me
or does everybody seem to hate me
is it just me
or does nobody really care
is it just me
or are the stares a sign of resentment
is it just me
or is there tension in the air
Is it just ne
Or does everybody want me dead
Is it just me
Or these thoughts might not just be in my head...

What part of no
Sounded like yes

"sei molto strano."
beh, grazie
Lo prendo come un complimento
io sono strano.

english:

"you are very strange."
well, thank you.
i take that as a compliment.
i am strange.

it keeps happening
i have no idea why
i look up at the clock
time is ticking by

i have been clean for 23 seconds.
****
that's... that's not a lot.
that's like a whole *** body slam.

i look in the mirror
and try to find a way to hide
the scars and fresh cuts
to keep them out of sight

i don't want them to see
i know they'll just judge me
just like everyone else
leave me alone, please

i don't want to be like this anymore

maybe only now I'm getting this realization
This realization that being treated wrong is not something to oversee
Maybe these piles of books are my only friends in this lonely world

But there she is
A candle in the darkness
A butterfly that flew into the endless abyss of the world
A savior, even though she might not know it.

Deep down
I know that she is the answer
The replacement for the piles of books

After being treated wrong
For all these years
Her presence felt strange, but in a way, right.
She is always there.
Especially when you need her.

And now I know
She is my best friend
And she will always be there
Because I love her
And she loves me
Platonically, of course.

Avoid the question
Ignore the problem
Try to stop
Try to eat
Won't
Can't
I
I can't
I can't *******
I can't ******* do
I can't ******* do this
I can't ******* do this anymore

i have to make a choice.
either spend
thirty hours a week
spewing my problems to a stranger
aka therapy,
or live
in a mental hospital.
its been a really long day .

glass
is a weird thing
if it gets too hot
it'll melt
but if you drop it
it'll break into a million pieces
just like my heart
when you said
"we shouldn't be friends anymore,
you are just too much of a ******.".
my heart fell
and shattered
became sharp
angry
sad
bitter
confused
depressed
nervous
psychotic
glass­
is a very weird thing
but i understand it
maybe a little too much

i am
f a l l i n g
through
s p a c e
i don't
t r u s t
you enough to
t e l l  y o u
any of my
p r o b l e m s
well,
s o r r y
i hope you understand

Last years thanksgiving
Was very different than this one
Heres how it went last year

I ate
Without a second thought
I ate so much food
I talked with
my grandparents
No arguements to be had
And then
I went to bed
After 5 minutes
of shutting my eyes

Here's how It went this year

I ate
Two pieces of pasta
I got as drunk as one could
Off of carbonated apple juice
I flipped my grandparents off
After calling me miss
She
Her
deadname
And a transphobic slur
We got into an arguement
Mostly about trump
And then I went downstairs
To draw vent art
Text my friends
And write poetry
All while drowning in a panic attack
And feeling like nothing is real

Isn't it strange
how fast things can change
In just a year?

Even now
I remember the sound of their laughter
The awful noise
And how it hurt as much
As a slap in the chest
How their verbal claws
Dug deeper and deeper
Into my skin and soul
"You're worthless"
"R*****"
"Fat ***"
I bet you forgot
That you even said those things to me
But I hope you know
They keep repeating in my head
Every
Single
*******
Day

What is wrong with humanity
We torture animals to entertain ourselves
We separate them from their families
We burn their homes
Flames licking at ancient trees
We poison their waters
We fill them with plastic and oil
And say that we have it bad
What have we done?

You can't go anywhere that Hasn't been touched and ruined by humans.
Not a forest with no footsteps
Not an ocean with no plastic
Not a mountain where humans haven't planted their flag.
What have we done?

Homes
Gone.
Lives
Lost.
A collapsed society, built on greed and neglect
World awful
Whoever has more money wins
People stuck on violent, garbage filled streets
Animals in chains
What have we done?

Birds try to fly
But wings are tied
Fishes try to swim
But gills are caught
What have we done?

The only way to fix it
Is to start over
If only.
If only we could.
Goodbye, dear earth. I'm so sorry.

I feel like I am falling
And floating
At the same time
I look down on my hands
And they look like a strangers
I speak
And an unfamiliar voice escapes
I look in a mirror
That's not me

The streetlights turn on
Grayscale
And yellow
And humming
At the same time
People walk by
Their voices muffled
And blended
And tossed around

I'm not real
But they are
They aren't real
But I am
What is happening

The world is going to fast
But standing still
At the same time

My eye twitches
But these eyes aren't mine
I am watching myself
As if I'm a character in a movie
I watch my eye twitch

Who is in the mirror?
It's not me
Just a ghost
A spirit who never got to exist

The lights flicker
In a pitch dark room
The silence
Is so loud
It pierces my ears
I shriek
In a voice
That never was mine
And never will be
I really hope this isn't real

red
for anger, injustice and rage
because that's how you act around me
orange
for arrogance
because i think that's one of your problems you need to work on
yellow
for caution
because that definitely needs to be practiced around you...
green
for evil, greed and hate
because those are some of your only personality traits
blue
for sad
because that's how you left me
purple
for healing
because i will need a while away from you to do that...

School musical
Pretending to be someone im not
School musical
Its all an act
School musical
She's not someone to trust
School musical
She broke the pact

School musical
I sing for entertainment
School musical
Everyone keep your eyes on me
School musical
Ill dance and speak
School musical
There's too much to see

stop it
i want you to stop
you are treating me like ****
you need to stop
stop it
stop it
stop it

so many times i said that to you.
but every. single. *******. time.
you ignored.

STOP IT.

Happy pills
Leave me feeling empty
Numb
And to be honest
Ive stopped taking my meds
Because id rather feel ******
Than feel like styrofoam

Happy pills
Leave me feeling nothing
Like plain yogurt
But ive stopped taking my meds
Because id rather feel like a plant without
W a t e r
Than an unsalted pretzel

Are the pills helping?
Because they are supposed to make me happy
But they somehow make me feel worse...

A for ***
because that's what you were to me
B for *****
because that's what you are
C for crap
because that's your opinions
D for ****
because that's what you act like
E for eternity
because that's how long your words will repeat in my head
F for *******
because those are the words i held back for so long
G for game
because that's all i was to you
H for hell
because that's what you put me through
I for incinerate
because that's what you did to my self-worth
J for joke
because that's all our friendship ever was
K for ****
because that's what you made me want to do to myself
L for loser
because that's how you always saw me
M for mortician
because that's what you'll need by the time I'm done with you
N for no
because that's what i said but you kept insisting we should be friends
O for onion
because you act like one, always making me cry
P for promises
because you never really could keep them, could you?
Q for question
because i have a ****-load of those for you
R for real
because i wonder if you even know that i am
S for sacrifices
because i made so many for you
T for torch
because i was in the dark but you hid yours
U for ugly
because that's what you kept on calling me
V for vaccine
because you make me sick
W for war
because that's what's going on in my brain thanks to you
X for x-ray
because i want to dig deep into your mind to find out why you did this to me
Y for you
because that's what i blame everything for
Z for zip
because zip your mouth, you cannot be talking about pain

a whole alphabet about you. i feel like we need more letters
because there definitely is more to be said

My problems

1. I have ADHD
2. I have anxiety
3. I have depression
4. I have an eating disorder
5. I keep feeling like nothing is real
6. I pass out easily
7. I have trauma
8. I can't completely remember that trauma
9. I still get flashbacks somehow
10. I **** at drawing
11. I **** at writing poetry
12. People are getting bored of me
13. I get bullied every day
14. I'm trans
15. I'm queer
16. There is all this **** wrong with me
But for some reason
You want to be friends
But I know
In little time
Youll get bored of me
Just like everyone else