I am
Who I am
As I am.

I remember putting on my white dress,
trying to hold back tears from stress.
I knew deep down that I never wanted to walk down that aisle,
but my feet kept moving with a perfect, fake smile.

I put all my faith in God above,
and I even prayed to feel His love.
Because all I wanted was to do the right thing,
and I truly believed that getting married to a man would fix everything.

One year later I am back where I started,
but this time with divorce papers feeling cold-hearted.
I never wanted it to end this way,
and how naive of me to think I was strong enough to stay.

Now I just want to hug my mom while I cry out,
but she is disgusted with the fact that I came out.
I am filled with tears of hatred and shame
because I lit up my life with an irreversible flame.

I asked for this.
I asked for all of this.

The space between us
is substantially bigger,
and your tight grip  
is no longer pinned to my emotional trigger.

You knew that in the past
I would have jumped off a ledge for you,
but now I am strong enough
to say ***** you, too.

I’ve been trying to string words together
in hopes a poem will be the result,
but all I have is a page of scribbles
as it laughs like an intellectual insult.

First Addiction.
Then Agony.
Now Anxiety.

First Deceit.
Then Defeat.
Now Depression.

First Apologetic.
Then Ashamed.
Now Alone.

I had the choice to choose
and what I should have chose
wasn’t what was chosen.

As a result I lost
what I didn’t want to lose
And I have to deal with the loss,
of you.

Day 285
I am rocking back and forth
trying to fight this temptation
because my vices are tired of
Experiencing Starvation.
.
.
.
.
.
Day 1
I tried, I really did
But here I am again
It’s never a matter of if,
It’s only a matter of when.