One time my mother told me she hated my hair
She never actually said those words but it was in her stare
Another time she told me that my piercings reek of dispair
She didn't say it
But I felt it in the air

Then I realized that these feelings were false
projected thoughts
Onto a mom
Who felt nothing but love and empathy
For her self hating child

Someone loves you
sOmeone loves you
soMeone loves you
somEone loves you
someOne loves you
someoNe loves you
someonE loves you

You've trapped me in your embrace
Closed me off from the world
Told me it's better this way
No one can ever hurt you
If no one is ever around

There is a vein in my wrist
Begging to be sliced
And what will come out is not blood
But my suffering

This unconditional sadness eats at me
Some days the way I dress takes a toll on me
Others my hair brings me to despair

But then there are weeks where I feel
Empty
Miserable in my doubt
Yet

I wish that I could cut through this emptiness
Watch it spill over my body
Down in the drain
Leaving nothing
But a stain
Of my happiness

This unconditional saddness is unbearable
But I do not know how to stop it

To find a spot in this world can be hard

I've wandered the forest for so long
Searching for a place where I'd belong
And it can be a painful journey
At times I've felt like I could join the butterflies
But they flew to a height I couldn't reach
I turned to the soil
Where the worms might be more welcoming
But they dug into the dirt
Making it hard to find a trace

I found the wasps and thought their stingers were beauty
But they were not very kindly
I wonder if I will ever find my place
It seems unlikely

The waves nip at my ankles

Filling my scars with its salty water

Burning me down into the ground

I wish I knew that I was going to fall in love
Because I would have stopped myself from the start
Dropped my heart
And never looked back

Instead I'm gasping for air
Trying to find an ounce of love
From your cold hearted demeanor
And crying from the pain you've brought me

Do you watch for shooting stars
Hope they'll grant your very wish

Do you throw pennies in the fountain
Wishing for your desires

What about dreaming on 11:11
Desiring good to come in life

Would you deem me odd
For not talking to the air
Asking for it to change me

It used to rain when I looked out your car window
you'd tell me it's obvious
The raindrops stain the pane
No real reason
Just started pouring
You grew tired of the sound
Listening to it patter on your car
Told me we'd stop and go somewhere
And you left me there
Soaking in the water
To figure it out

And I did
When I look out the car window
I don't see rain
I don't even hear it
All I see is a field
Lushes and green
As bright as the sun
There aren't drops anywhere
Just smiles and laughter
And I don't see you

Follow me down the path
Of ugly suicide
Ugly is redundant
But some will call it beauty

How is their beauty in ending your life
Rope burns around your neck
Or ****** slit wrists
Cut the point that only mattered

Where's the beauty of a cold body
Limp on the floor
Found pale and alone
The only way to show how they felt

Suicide is a solution for some
The only way to leave the nasty voices
Haunting their mind

How'd you figure out I was a *****?
You couldn't have simply opened the door.
I've scrubbed my insides clean,
And buried every scene.
Yet, you discovered the spot
In my deep plot,
And made me no more.

I was happily in love
Soaking in your smile through a window
I couldn't imagine being in a happier place
But I tend to ask the questions I know I'll hate the answer to
And right away I did and then the glass broke in to shards
I was bleeding out but you told me it'd be alright
Maybe there'd be a way to clean up the mess
And so I hid my wounds

The second time was painful
We had our differences
And that really stuck a wall in between us
You killed me on the phone
Told me it's not you but it's me
I don't understand the bi community
How is it possible to enjoy anything
When I'm stuck in this --
But before you could breathe your last word
You realized what you had said
Took it all back and we cried together
It was magical and it kept my hope going
Clouded my mind and forced me to forget the horrid things I just heard

The third time was my fault
I was in pain from our lack of lust
No communication was happening and i was losing trust
So I called on the phone
And you were alone
Talked of my fears
It had me in tears
You said what I thought
And it was getting really hot
We hung up cuz you had class
And I fell on my ***
But
Later I rang in the closet
And my eyes were a faucet
You made a surprise visit
And that was it
My heart leapt
And it you kept

The last time was painful
Not only did we meet but it was unexpected
This time there was no phone to shield you
No speaker to talk through
You looked me in my eyes
Pointed a gun at my heart
But caressed my face
Told me it'd be okay
Then pulled the trigger

The first was when you punched me in the heart
Told me to try and understand
That my bruised heart MIGHT heal

The second was when you hit a vein
The blood stained the bathroom floor
And you were quick to clean up the mess
Apologized me back to life

The third time you killed me in my closet
I was drowning in my tears
Fears devoured my mind
I was sure there was no coming back
But you surprised my heart and it leapt for you

But you weren't done
You decided you wanted me dead again
The fourth was more personal
You watched me this time
No call
No distance
This time you did it in person and it was painful
You watched me suffer
You tried to ease the pain
I couldn't even pretend to be alive

Please don't try to bring me back
There's no use
You shot me in my heart this time

You watched me slice my heart open
Rip my lungs into pieces
Tore my way into my brain
So I wouldn't feel the pain

And you sat there watching
Lighting the fire to burn me
There's nothing to show
No one will ever know

What would you do if a boy who meant so much told you that you were a ****?
What would you do if he harassed you for nudes day in and day out but played it as a joke?
What would you do if you were falling and knew he was no good but tortured yourself for being a *****?
What would you do if you were drowning in tears while being stabbed with a knife, telling you it's your fault, you're no good?
Why would he tell me he adores me but he hates the way I walk?
Why would he show me his colors but color me black?
What would you do if you stood up for yourself and someone spat in your face to sit your *** down?

I heard the door bell
But ignored the ring
I went about my day
I thought I could enjoy the little things
My dogs basking in the sun
I played my favorite games
The door bell kept ringing
Yeah it was a little annoying
But I ignored it for the most part
Slept through the night
And did it over again

The rings turned into knocks
I played my games but was a little distracted
My dogs were still adorable and I hugged them tight
I laid in bed, took me awhile to sleep because there were still knocks at my door

A year goes by
And I've tuned out the knocks for the most part
I was still enjoying my games for the most part
My dogs energy was still entrancing me..for the most part

One day the knocks became bangs
BANG, BANG
was all I could hear at my door
My games weren't fun anymore
My dogs whined at my feet
Sleeping at first was hard
But eventually became easy
For it was the only way to escape the noise

Your last breath was painful
You spat out so much hatred
Laid down all your guilt

It was a rainy day
But the sun dried out your lips
You yelled until you coughed up ashes

Not sure of what you had become
Change was impossible
So many attempts, yet no success

Such a ****** up shard
Grabbed yourself
Then bled

Welcome to my room
Where sadness blooms into hatred
And your thoughts beat you to the floor
There's a place to sit
So you can cry
Or maybe you'd prefer to lie
There are so many options
And don't forget the bathroom
It has an endless supply
For instance you could watch yourself bleed
Oh my room is so welcoming
With every self loathing thought
I've spent so much time here
I'm destined to rot

I hate to be your heartbreak
But that's the only outcome I can see
For I've given up on trying to be free
Free from the sorrow and pain
It all just comes back and haunting
Like a nasty stubborn stain

Baby, you’re not a million dollars
If you were then you wouldn’t be mine
You’d be in the stores I've visited
The restaurants I ate at
You’d be tucked away in a safe place for no one to marvel at

No, you’re more than that
You’re not money
Money has no meaning compared to you
You’re the stars in the sky
The air I breathe
You’re a wonderful piece

If I could choose between you and a million bucks
I wouldn’t hesitate on my choice
Money can buy me an ear
But you’re always here
Money can buy me comfort
But you’re who brings me happiness
There’s no comparing

I want to show you off to the world
and then hold you close
Money I can flaunt
and then it’s gone for someone else
But you I can keep
And I wouldn’t give you away for things
I don’t want anyone to have you
Because you’re mine

When you see my face you’ll see joy and happiness
But when you look into my eyes you’ll see the pain and misery
My thoughts aren’t accurate with the words that I speak
But your mind isn’t concentrated on how I’m so weak

Though I say I’m alright
I’m happy
I’m fine
On the inside, I’m hurting
I’m crying
I’m yelling

You do yes I know, I know you do care
But I can’t reveal myself, for you may glare
The cuts and the tears, they aren’t ever shown
And the misery is hidden and never aglow

My happiness is yours, I reflect and I stare
My feelings are nothing
And you couldn’t bear
The life that I live
So silently away
I love and I live
I lose and I gain

But this isn’t me
I’ll never be the same
My losses seem more
More than I’ve gained
And here I am smiling with old old pain
I’ve loved and I’ve lived
I’ve lost and I’ve gained

My smile is staying
For that’s what you like
But at the end of the day
I’ll go in my room
I’ll curl and cry and I may cut too

Though I say it’s okay
I’m not sad
I’m no mad
I do indeed love you
But I need someone too

I almost drove 10 hours
To see your droopy tired eyes
To caress your soft and perfect hair
And to lay your head upon my thighs

I almost drove 10 hours
So I could drown in your perfect smile
And to see those eyes light up
Becuase you haven't seen me in awhile

I almost drove 10 hours
So we could be side by side
But you sorely begged me not to
So I sat in my room and cried

My life was fine and I was happy
And then you showed up
And everything went abrupt

You made me laugh until my face went numb
My problems you held like a forceful gun
I soon discovered an emotion I'd never felt
And you ripped it away from my fragile heart

My eyes once glowed like the stars beaming bright
But now they're filled with the sea spilling out
It's true you listened and that is no doubt
But you showed no remorse and simply threw me about

For so long I clung to you, scared of the world around
And now I'm sitting in my room unable to move about
In fear of being alone

I thought I was broke
And you would make me whole
But I didn't realize you tore me one by one
Into pieces I lost, long ago with my smile

I cried every day
And forced you to keep me together
But little did I know that you couldn't find me either
Gave up on my life and lusted for me rather

I thought that it was love
But it was too late when I found out
That you were the one to hide my pieces
And wrote love on each end
To make me think that it was okay to be used over and over again

It’s not that I don’t think about you anymore
Because I do
You’re always in the back of my head

But I don’t sulk over you
I don’t cry because of you
I don’t laugh anymore when I talk to you

I’m so glad you’re gone
Or maybe just not present as much anymore
It’s such a relief

It was painful at first
Just the thought without you made me feel alone
I thought I’d always feel this way

And then a miracle happened
He came into my life
He helped me push you away, whether he knew it or not

He helped me stand my ground
I can see so much clearer
And he holds me when I cry

Unlike you when I felt like I should die

I don't think I'm ever going to be enough for you
I'm not going to be what you truly want
Maybe you think you love me because I was the first girl to really catch your eye
But I'm not going to be the only one
I have problems you want to fix
But that's not your job, it's mine
I would be lying if I said you didn't help me pick my head up, you did
But you can't fix me 100%
That's my job, I have no clue how
But you've helped me figure things out
I don't think I'm good for you, I'm an unhealthy addiction
You probably don't see it now
But you'll realize I'm not the only pearl in the sea
You just settled with the first one you found and in reality, my clam is empty
I'm toxic

A world full of sorrowful delicacy
Butterflies in the air
Suffocating in beauty
Sweet attachments
My teeth ache immensely

Love is taking over my mind
Where to begin
Drowning in oceans of tears
Sky's full of fears
Mountains moved
Trees swayed
Yet nothings changed

Death seeps through the ink of your pen
Here we are again
Your brain reeks of madness
Damaged remains
Inches away from the ground
That's where I'll be found

Have you ever been so lonely
Lost in the woods
But terrified to turn back
Because you know where you came from
The darkness is unbearable
Yet you hold yourself to the floor
Saying
Don’t give up…
Don’t give up…

I think I’m prone to sadness
The everlasting hole
For when I find my smile
I feel different in my soul

I’ll watch the tree roots struggle as they try to find their place
And wonder of the sorrow when a butterfly sticks to a leaf
This emotion is exhausting, I can’t keep pace
Because like that butterfly I want to feel relief

For joy is something so hard to fuel
And depression is easy
I want to be happy
And the tears make me queasy

But my laugh slips through my fingers
When I’m alone and without a soul
So I stick to what I know well
And that is staying in this hole