This world disgusts me

This world disgusts me because
when I see my best guy friend cry
I get weirded out
Not because guys crying is weird
but because I've always been told
they don't

this world disgusts me because
when I mention to my brother
that girls liking girls
is okay
he lists all the reasons
Jesus says it isn't

This world disgusts me because
I have to text one of my best friends
and make sure she ate today
because she wants to lose
ten pounds
and she'd give anything to do that

This world disgusts me because
when I sit in my
French class
and the teacher makes eye contact with me
and sees that I am crying
he keeps teaching, parce que c'est la vie

This world disgusts me because
when my chemistry teacher
looked at me and my friend goofing around
he assumes we don't feel the "academic stress"
when I cry over my grades three times a week
but he didn't ask me about that

This world disgusts me because
my brother, the same one as before,
refuses to call someone
we know
by their chosen name and pronouns
because "it's a free country"

This world disgusts me because
when I switch effortlessly between
sobbing and looking fine
my teacher calls me
"The finest actress he's ever seen" but
doesn't ask why I hide my emotions so easily

Disgusting

Four days before you broke up with me
you emailed me
"I love you a lot I love you so so so so so so so so much"
No, that's not an exaggeration
That is exactly what you said
I fell so hard for you

Three days before you broke up with me
you told me
"I only want you"
and I said that I only wanted you
And god, I did
I do.

Two days before you broke up with me
You said I wasn't your second choice
and that you "never wanted" me "to feel that way"
And I apologized
for feeling
and telling you exactly what I was feeling

One day before you broke up with me
you kissed me
and smiled
And I smiled right back at you
But I sobbed that night because
she posted about you

The day you broke up with me
We sat next to each other
And we smiled
while my friend recorded us
being simply happy
and in love

Four hours before you broke up with me
You made out with me
I wore your hat
and you gave me three
Blue Raspberry Jolly Ranchers
and laughed at my blue tongue

When you broke up with me
You cried
Looked me in the eyes
and said
"I can't say I see a future with you"
So I stood up, walked away, eyes dry

And sobbed when I got home.
And sobbed the next day.
And sobbed two days later.
And wrote this poem
while sobbing
Because I needed to tell someone

Eight hours after you broke up with me
You told me you still loved me
But you hadn't seen a future with me
recently
How long has it been? Since you love her more
I think I'm going to hurt myself

Are you reading this?
Fevaeaiky?

I am writing a poem
And it's about you
                             It started easy
                             Started simple
"I love you"s flowing out of me like they always do
             But it's been a few days
And the poem isn't writing itself
Like it normally would

What is
WRONG with ME?!

Is this writer's block?

Do I love you still?
                              Of course I do.
But I'm writing a poem
And its about you
                            It started easy, started simple, love flowing freely
But
      It's been a few days

And my poem isn't finished yet

I finally got
My drops of blood
They didn't prove anything to me
I wanted to know that I was alive
To know that I was here
But they mean nothing
Besides that I am weak.
I am weak when you called me strong.
I am broken when you loved me whole.
Apology after apology
I regretted it, but I continued
One line right after the other
Red dash marks appearing on my skin
I wanted them to prove my existence
But they really just proved my fragility

I never fell in love with you
I never developed feelings for you
It was never love at first sight

This is not a high school
type of love
At least, I don't think so
This is not an infatuation
This is not a drunken utterance

I think this
Is an everyday type of love
The love my parents had
The type of love that makes you say
"I found the one"
I know that I'm naïve
I know it hasn't been long
But sometimes you hold out hope

So
I never fell in love with you
My feeling hit me like a wall
That is much different from falling

I never developed feelings for you
Because my feelings for you
developed me into who I am
Only a short four months after meeting

It was never love at first sight
It was love at first word
At first touch
First hug
First kiss
First understanding

But I never fell in love with you

For all the things I never said but should have
For all the silences I let dictate my life and never overtook
For all the nothing I never filled
And for all the times I could have made it better
But settled for different

Your smile keeps me up at night
Your eyes make mine light up and
I get lost in time thinking about you,
Where have you been all my life?
My homework doesn’t matter in comparison,
The essay will be finished later.
The poem will end soon
I will start the math assignment eventually.
But your face is here now
And soon it will leave
So I stare
If even writing
Takes a back seat to you
Wow...
You are the first person I’ve written about like this.
I wish you were all of my firsts.
Maybe you will be at least one of them...
I want to protect you,
I never want you to cry again.
I know I can’t make that happen
But I want to.

Times like these
when I've sent a text like that
or thought something
or felt a certain feeling
When I
slip into oblivion
and start to use words like "Oblivion"
Are the times
when
I can't believe I
ever
helped anyone feel better

Of course, I know I have
If I hadn't
I would not have quite so many friends
And I've read the conversations
The "Thank you"s and "I love you"s and the "That was exactly what I needed"
texts
I've read them
I remember getting them
Feeling like I had helped someone

but at Times Like These
I don't know how I ever helped anyone
When I feel so dark
So alone
I don't know how I ever pulled that sunshine out of me
To give to them

Maybe that's why
Maybe I gave all my sunshine
to all the people I've helped
but at Times Like These
I don't have any left for myself

I wouldn't mind if that was how it worked
I'd still give my sunshine freely
I would just appreciate knowing that was how it worked
So I could keep
just a sliver

for Time Like These

I want to write you
I want to put your smile into epics
Your eyes into ballads
Your kisses into rhymes
I want your hands as a free verse
Your smell a pastoral poem
Every word you speak is like a love song
And I want it
“Tattooed on my soul”
Forever
I want to write everything about you
And fill a thousand books with you
My muse
My love
I want it to well up in my ink
To overflow
Spill off every page
Like I feel your love spill
Onto me
I want to write your every detail
As only a lovesick poet could

I've always loved Rom Coms
The cheesy endings
Have always resonated with me

I've always wanted hugs from behind
A firm hand to hold
A shoulder to cry on

This is a love note
To you
Because I love Rom Coms

If I wrote this out
I would have to have written it
In pink glitter pen

Glitter
Is the only proper way
To express one's true feelings

Feelings like;
Infatuation, love, lust, desire, happiness,
fear, disappointment, broken-hearted

I have always loved horror movies
The sad endings
Resonate with me now

i just realized
how much anxiety
the numbers on the clock
really give me

You asked
Why I continue this relationship
If it hurts

You asked that.
Seriously.
Seriously?

Why do I continue?
Because I love you
******* it

I love you and I can't stop loving you
And if I had to leave you I think I'd die
I wouldn't **** myself
That's not what I mean
I just can't stand the thought of life without loving you

I hate that you've made me this way
I hate that I've become this way
But
This is who I am now.... I guess

****
I hate you
But I love you so ******* much

Is this hell?

Everything ends eventually
One day this thing we have
What I care so much about
Will be gone
Faded from paper like my words on day will
Pictures gone

But the memories the same;
A sweet summer day,
The sweet taste of you on my lips,
The casual brushing of hands
On cheeks.
Dear god, I will miss you

But I don’t even have you yet
I’m thinking about the end
Before it’s even begun
My mind goes through possibilities
Faster than reality can make them happen
Good
Bad
Better
Different
Gone

Everything ends eventually
You will soon leave me
As friends
As lovers
As whatever we were
Or would’ve been
God, I will miss you...

Tonight's method
Of self-inflicted pain
is a new one.
A nail file
against my knuckles
sawing back and forth at the skin
hoping for even a drop of blood
To show that
I AM REAL
I am alive...
Because I need a sign, something besides the tears...
I can't find the pencil sharpener
So
Tonight's method
Of self-inflicted pain
is a nail file
Against my knuckles. Backandforthbackandforth
No blood yet...
keep going

Life as I know it
has changed
ripped away from me like a child's toy
for one reason or another
they want to find out how we live
how we breathe
what our land holds
they simply want a new place to sleep
a new spot to lay their heads
one more dot on the map
They want to know how our god judges our actions and
oh
do we have a god and who are they
ar they the same as theirs because only their god matters
they are white so they are right
they want a say in who leads
they want us
They took a queen from Hawaii
Staked a claim in Canada
and oh
thirteen colonies
on the North American continent
we've been pushed down and bruised
given nothing to lose because
it's all being taken from us

What if
Right as I say
Good Night
you were going to send the response
that would've kept us talking
for hours

I want to write
In ways that make people feel
Ways that make people want
Ways that make people see
I want to write things that don’t make any sense
But that mean everything to someone
I want to write importantly
I want to write

He is new
He is kind
He is caring
He makes sense
In a way that you never did

You inspire me
You are all I long to write about
Any poems I start
End with you
Any dreams I have
Begin with you

Why do you hurt me?
When all I do
Is love you
All our fights
start with you
All the apologies
Are begun by me

You were all I wrote about
way back when
When All the poems I started
Ended with you
And all the dreams I had
Began with you

We are force-fed fairy tales
We digest the things given to us
because they are better
Better than any life we could live.
We are fed fairy tales
Like the one that starts
“Once Upon A Time”
And tells the story
Of a girl who took her own life
But that's not in any storybook
Because it is
Too real
Too close to life
Too fragile to tell
So we stick to
Evil Queens
And Poisoned apples
And tall towers
And witches
Things we can control
Because as much as we wish we could take the reins
We can only sit back
On the ride that is our lives
And hope to GOD that we stay
Living this life
Long enough
to finally get our happy ending