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This world disgusts me

This world disgusts me because
when I see my best guy friend cry
I get weirded out
Not because guys crying is weird
but because I've always been told
they don't

this world disgusts me because
when I mention to my brother
that girls liking girls
is okay
he lists all the reasons
Jesus says it isn't

This world disgusts me because
I have to text one of my best friends
and make sure she ate today
because she wants to lose
ten pounds
and she'd give anything to do that

This world disgusts me because
when I sit in my
French class
and the teacher makes eye contact with me
and sees that I am crying
he keeps teaching, parce que c'est la vie

This world disgusts me because
when my chemistry teacher
looked at me and my friend goofing around
he assumes we don't feel the "academic stress"
when I cry over my grades three times a week
but he didn't ask me about that

This world disgusts me because
my brother, the same one as before,
refuses to call someone
we know
by their chosen name and pronouns
because "it's a free country"

This world disgusts me because
when I switch effortlessly between
sobbing and looking fine
my teacher calls me
"The finest actress he's ever seen" but
doesn't ask why I hide my emotions so easily

Disgusting
Night Sky Mar 19
I finally got
My drops of blood
They didn't prove anything to me
I wanted to know that I was alive
To know that I was here
But they mean nothing
Besides that I am weak.
I am weak when you called me strong.
I am broken when you loved me whole.
Apology after apology
I regretted it, but I continued
One line right after the other
Red dash marks appearing on my skin
I wanted them to prove my existence
But they really just proved my fragility
In reference to Weapon For The Night.
I'm only getting worse. Day by day, slowly worse.
Night Sky Mar 10
You made me love you
So now face the consequences

You made me love you
so face the storm that rages when you make me stop
I was thinking about this earlier. he really made me love him
Night Sky Mar 9
I don't have the energy to hurt over you anymore
It's only been three days
And I'm more exhausted than I ever knew I could be
More exhausted than completely exhausted

My heart hurts
I don't know if that's the
160 mg of caffeine I drank this morning
To help me get through the day because I only slept two hours last night
Because I was crying for five over you

Or if that's the
the way you made me hold your hand this morning
so that I wouldn't hurt myself
Just because I was talking to you face to face

Or maybe its because
You called me "Love" again over text
right after the last class of the day ended
and spun me into yet another
anxiety attack, just by existing and calling me a term of endearment

I don't have the energy to hurt over you anymore
but I'm letting myself
I'm texting you, and I don't know why
But it's only been three days and I am so SO exhausted
Night Sky Mar 9
Tonight's method
Of self-inflicted pain
is a new one.
A nail file
against my knuckles
sawing back and forth at the skin
hoping for even a drop of blood
To show that
I AM REAL
I am alive...
Because I need a sign, something besides the tears...
I can't find the pencil sharpener
So
Tonight's method
Of self-inflicted pain
is a nail file
Against my knuckles. Backandforthbackandforth
No blood yet...
keep going
Night Sky Mar 9
Four days before you broke up with me
you emailed me
"I love you a lot I love you so so so so so so so so much"
No, that's not an exaggeration
That is exactly what you said
I fell so hard for you

Three days before you broke up with me
you told me
"I only want you"
and I said that I only wanted you
And god, I did
I do.

Two days before you broke up with me
You said I wasn't your second choice
and that you "never wanted" me "to feel that way"
And I apologized
for feeling
and telling you exactly what I was feeling

One day before you broke up with me
you kissed me
and smiled
And I smiled right back at you
But I sobbed that night because
she posted about you

The day you broke up with me
We sat next to each other
And we smiled
while my friend recorded us
being simply happy
and in love

Four hours before you broke up with me
You made out with me
I wore your hat
and you gave me three
Blue Raspberry Jolly Ranchers
and laughed at my blue tongue

When you broke up with me
You cried
Looked me in the eyes
and said
"I can't say I see a future with you"
So I stood up, walked away, eyes dry

And sobbed when I got home.
And sobbed the next day.
And sobbed two days later.
And wrote this poem
while sobbing
Because I needed to tell someone

Eight hours after you broke up with me
You told me you still loved me
But you hadn't seen a future with me
recently
How long has it been? Since you love her more
I think I'm going to hurt myself

Are you reading this?
Fevaeaiky?
not doing too well
Night Sky Mar 5
You asked
Why I continue this relationship
If it hurts

You asked that.
Seriously.
Seriously?

Why do I continue?
Because I love you
******* it

I love you and I can't stop loving you
And if I had to leave you I think I'd die
I wouldn't **** myself
That's not what I mean
I just can't stand the thought of life without loving you

I hate that you've made me this way
I hate that I've become this way
But
This is who I am now.... I guess

****
I hate you
But I love you so ******* much

Is this hell?
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