distance is;
the marks my fingernails leave on my scalp,
the extra hair on my brush that I keep tearing out,
the faint smell of him on his T-shirt covered in my tears,
distance is far worse than any of my fears

remember, remember
the fifth of November?
because I do,
& I have all the words I wrote
from that night

i met a boy today,
he called it a date
*& I already must admit
that the way his dimples
are crooked, & his whole face
smiles, & the way
he loses his eyes
when he laughs
are my favourite
is it wrong to be in this limbo
with a boy
who is a mutual & very close friend
of your ex?
it doesn't feel wrong,
it feels like it could even be very right

we walked through the woods today
& it was lovely but
all too familiar
but I didn't even mind,
I just wonder
if this is the bridge I should take,
I took one today with you
& it was fantastic
I wish I hugged you tighter today,
I wonder what it will be like
when we fall for each other...

november 8th, 2013*
i found these old sketches
of you & I
unfinished, & i'm erasing them
i don't intend to finish them
& it doesn't hurt anymore
it doesn't hurt anymore*

i forgot what it felt like
to heal
the feeling is back
& it's real

I hardly remember
a ******* thing
about that day
before gazing into his eyes
once again, for the first time

rushing toward the exit
running from the baggage claim;
it was all a blur,
as walked through those doors
all I remember was the vastness
of the first sight,
stepping into the bright, unfamiliar place
& nothing else, but him

I scanned the crowd
the strange faces waiting
for loved ones
emotion thick enough to touch
in the air,
but just to my right
in the front
with his body pressed up against the metal bar,
I saw him

it was the first time I saw his face
not through a photo or webcam
in a time that was so long it ached
I think I lost my breath
did I leave my things behind when I ran?
I don't remember,
I just ran to him

it was too surreal
I can't remember a moment between
seeing his face, & kissing his lips
nor what kind of kiss it was
or how long it lasted
I just couldn't fathom it
I was really there
it was really him
& it didn't matter where we were
it was all a wonderland
to me, I was holding his hand again
everything was bright & new
it was magic, pure magic

I don’t even know
what to say
it’s not like I’m being heard anymore anyway,
when I say; I’m going away,
to Denmark
somehow suddenly, people listen
though once I’m back
they’ve forgotten I was ever gone
I can’t wait to go back & start over
*I can’t wait to forget being forgotten

I think I lost
my voice,
I couldn't stop screaming
I didn't have a choice;
there are demons living inside me
whispering into my ears
telling me all the things
I don't want to hear,
I'm running from myself
from my fears,
but the voices are getting louder
& I'm fighting the tears.

I'm bottled up
to the brim
but I'd rather be thrown
into the ocean
than opened up
ever again