There was a day when one of my friends asked him;
“Hey, do you care about anything she writes?”
She asked him because she knows that I love to write;
She asked him because she knows that she also loves to write

I was there,
sitting right next to him when she asked him and just like this crystal clear of memories that’s playing in the back of my head
I still could feel
how he looked into my eyes
grabbed my left hand,
and he answered;
“Yes, of course I do
I really do care about everything that she writes”

Right then I knew,
he will always be one of the reasons why I turn off the lights in my room around one or two in the morning and turn on my desk lamp;
Just to write

i still hope that someday you could see me in the crowd then the waves of emotions strike you to your very heart that it aches, reminiscing all the feelings you once had. all of the goods that I brought to your life.

5 AM Thoughts ://

If there's one thing that I learned from the past that I went through, he made me want to try to be a better person. Maybe it was for him, at first. But then I realized, no matter how long and how hard I try, I'll never be enough for that person. So all I need to do is just try to be a better person for myself, not for anyone's sake.

I remember how I used to stay up all night to cry and pin myself to my pillow for a few consecutive months. I still could hear all the words he said in the back of my head, rehashing arguments of how he could never understand how I felt about us.

I remember how I could drop everything just to be by his side. I remember how I could try to give him anything that I could possibly give in order to make him happy, even when the situations told me not to.

and that's what happens when you truly care about someone. You want to make them happy. You put their happiness' above yours, even when people told you it's freaking stupid to put one's happiness above yours.

But, again. You truly loved him. Even when he did not. Even when he yelled at you. Even when he called you names. All the manipulations make you think that you're happy with him, when the truth is you're being pathetic trying to scratch the ground off with your bare hands, trying to dig deep, trying so hard to make him happy. But as always, it takes two to tango. and if he can't dance with your jam, neither can you.

and one day, it hit you again
and you'll remember loving him,
all of the good ****
and all of the bad ****, too
But as soon as you realized that you were truly in love with him,
you forget how to heal

People have different ways to heal themselves. Sometimes it's a short period of time, sometimes it's a long period of time. Sometimes it involves the third party, a new one. and sometimes, some people don't need a new one in order to heal.

What about me? for what I have now, I still don't know how much time I need to heal myself from the scratches I got. It took me a year to realize, this is gonna take longer than I thought it would.

and I swear to God,
I promised myself ; "I'll heal, I'll heal"
but it's a lot more than just that

and I thought I have healed,
but then, I realized I haven't healed at all

because in my sleep,
I still see him in my dreams
over, and over,
again.

at last, I'm gonna quote Beyoncé here ;
"but you're just a boy,
and you don't understand how it feels to love a girl,
someday, you'll wish you were a better man

you don't listen to her, and you don't care how it hurts
until you lose the one you wanted, cause you've taken her for granted
and everything you have got destroyed"

"He is the song that keeps playing on my head, over, and over again."

I want to be a place you call 'home'

Do you know what's the meaning of 'home' itself?
Home is a place you always keep coming back, no matter how far you could go
Home is a place you always gonna miss, no matter how messy it could get
with its imperfections
with its messiness

And I don't want to be a five-starred hotel-or a mall, for you
with its perfections
with its glamorous
with its beauty
But you can always leave them, anytime you want
Because it's just a place you passed by,
just a place you enjoy, you look at,
for short periods of time,
then you leave it behind

I want to be a home, for you
with my own imperfections,
with my own messiness,
Because I want you to keep coming back to me, no matter how far you could go
And you'll always gonna miss me,
because I'm your home.

Sometimes I wonder

Why hopes dashed
Why dreams died
Why we cried ourselves to sleep at night

Then I ask my self

*"Why did you expect too much?"

Hi, my single H word.

I notice that you don't even have a hellopoetry
I notice that it has never crossed your mind that I write things for you

But here goes the pieces of my mind that you probably never know,
the pieces of my mind that contain you,
the pieces of my mind that you may ignore later

I started to write things about you since the day you gave me the heart-shaped crumble of papers
Crumble of papers that my friends considered as a trash but turned out to be something meaningful for my self
Crumble of papers that remind me of you every single day

I know that you have no idea that they would be such a thing for me

But can't you see?
There's always at least one thing that makes a start for something
And that was your thing that have made a start for some point of my self

Love.

Sometimes I think that it's funny how our friends think I'm fine
It's funny how our friends think I'm just fine with you hanging around
And it's funny how our friends think that there's nothing between us

But yet somehow, I think that it's not too funny if our friends think the way they think about us
Because I've been trying so hard to cover myself up
I've been trying so hard to act as normal as possible when you're around
I've been trying so hard to denying my self about the simple pleasure I got everytime you're around

Baby, I act cool. Too cool. I know.

But there are too many things that you don't know just yet
How my heart beating hard and goes on on and on everytime you call up my name
How the air feels like completely out of space 'til it makes me hard to catch my breath
How I choked up with words I could not say everytime you act something adorable and I just could not resist to adore you from somewhere deep within my self
How I want to whisper those 3 syllable words right to your very ears with the low tone of my voice cause I really mean it when I say it

"I love you."

Does it ever matter to you that I love you?

My God, H, maybe you won't even realize but I really do love you so much

Does it ever matter to you that I love you?

H,
You really don't realize how lovable you are to me
You really don't realize how you could change my whole day to be better or worse by just saying a few things
You really don't realize how much I love you from the day you stared at both of my eyes and smiled with the tiny lips on your face

Baby, I act cool. Too cool. I know.

But now here comes the point where I don't want to seem so cool to everybody
I don't care if they think I am so lame, and lousy for saying and writing and thinking too much about things that probably won't ever going to happen

And now here comes the most beautiful 3 words in English that could make you feel something

**I love you

Can't seem to get rid of the flickers that made through the glass of your veins
Those little lights that dancing on our skin
The dusts that stumbling down when our eyes can't even see
Telling us where are we going to be

The roads that lead us here
Screaming out loud where would we be now after this
Those insanities that brought me here
Asking me the truth how could I get here

Blaming the lights, they don't want to be
Blaming the dusts, they can't even seemed
Blaming my self, how could I get here?
Blaming ourselves, how could we get here?

Writing this poem in the corner of this coffee shop
Two glass of grande-sized coffee
Frappuccino, Mochaccino
are just not enough I guess

Seeing you walking around the room
Talking, acting too beautifully to be remembered
Touching the girl I would never want to be
I am just who I am I suppose
I am just not like her I suppose

Putting your hands in the pocket of your dark blue Levi's jeans
Stepping up high through the sole of your light grey Van's sneakers
Laughing too much, talking too beautifully
Smiling too seductively, brushing your hair too manly

Am I just not enough for you, Darling?
I've been waiting for quite a whole month just to see you physically

Am I just not enough for you, Darling?
I've been waiting for you 'til my eyes flooded by my own tears

Am I just not enough for you, Darling?
**Am I just not enough for you, Darling?

"Hi,
A week has gone and I miss you."

What?
"I miss you, yes I do."

Who?
"It's you. You've heard me."

How?
"Think I miss the warmth of your presence, yes I do."

Why?
"Can't seem to let a day pass without talking to you.
I love the way you do.
I love you."

When?
"Yesterday. Now. Tomorrow."

Where?
"Anywhere. I'll still be loving you."

"Think I know I do.
Think I know you don't."

"Think I know I love you.
Think I know you love me not."

Yet.

Tell me how
since letters, texts, and calls are never enough

Tell me why
the distance between us could separate us apart

Tell me where
the exact point where you stay in the congcrete jungle where dreams are made up

Tell me why
you live in New York and I live in another city left behind

Tell me how
to tell you that I love you even we've never seen each other in person

Tell me how
to send you boxes of letters and words from a city that left behind to a city with inspiring big lights

Think I've tried
to make it work out but it just couldn't

Think I've tried
to spend the same horizons as you

Think we've tried
to make us work but we just couldn't

Think I've tried
to tell you that I love you but you just didn't

Wake up in quite a state
With the steady cool wind blows
Sun shines the ground
Birds chirp over sky

O what a bliss, I say
Things going to be beautiful today
Things won't matter today
I get you by my side

O what a bliss, he says
Things going to be okay today
We'll be together someday
"Don't worry, we'll get through this eventually", he says

Lights shine down my face
as I wipe off the hair down my face
How he looks at me and cups my face
"Good morning, beautiful." He says
Then I know things will be okay today

O what a bliss, I say.

Traffic lights that shone us down
on the road we took the other night
I wanted to tell you how you looking good in your black DC tee shirt and your dark grey Nike glasses

We had to go home as I sat right there next to you
You drove your car from the North to the South and it took hours
But I didn't mind

Plugged my iPod into your Pioneer audio player
We set the volume up, up, and up
'til it sounded like "Boom! Boom!" from the subwoofers on the back of your car
We laughed out loud, how we enjoyed the night

I love how we sang along to the songs we loved
How we sang along over "Do I Wanna Know?" by Arctic Monkeys
How we sang along over "Team" by Lorde
How you turned the volume louder and louder everytime "Talk *****" by Jason Derulo is playing on shuffle

I love how you hated "Wake Me Up" by Ed Sheeran
"It's not even a song. It's rather a poetry",you said
but I loved the song too much
cause it contained the untold words from me to you
so I kept playing it on repeat :
"You should never cut your hair cause I love the way you flick it off your shoulders"

Wanted to tell you how loveable you're
Wanted to tell you how I didn't mind to be there under the city lights around
Wanted to tell you how I loved to wear your light blue Levi's jacket all night
Wanted to tell you how I thank you for everything you've done
Wanted to tell you how I loved the heart-shaped crumble of papers in my wallet beside your note that I kept for myself

Tried to realize where all of your moves is going for
Tried to tell you how I love to be there with you
Tried to tell you that I wanted you

But the time's up
and we still didn't
We. Did. Not.

Through the camera lenses
that snapped right into your eyes
you realized what it really was

Through the camera lenses
that he brought
you did love the way
he secretly took your pictures
even when you're so messed up