I lie here in bed
Motionless
But not lifeless.

There is nothing inside my head
But it is far
From silent.

Visuals growing vivid
Racing and changing
Randomly taking me from one place to another.

Numbness and weakness
Total tranquility
Seeing new faces
New beings
New color.

My breathing sinks
Falling in rhythm with the sounds
Of peace...

I feel
Like I have left this world
And come to a place just for me...

My heart is asking me
"Where is the pain?"
It, too, has been relieved
Of the grip of suffering.

My eyes cant help
But to remain closed
I, myself
Feel quite composed.
My mind senses that I could not further.

In the darkness
So it broke me
From the chains of ******.

Everything I wanted and believed
As a child
Violated and seized
Then, for a long while...
I could never see
Beyond my broken pieces

My mind has set me free
And has shown me
What
To believe in

Isolated
Surrounded by water.
No one but me and the friends i can not see.
Once visible
Transformed into energy.
The sun always keeping the sand under heat.
Open skies
Enormous nights
Sounds of the natural world to be heard
Trees, clear oceans and home in sight.
All i want to hear is wind singing to me
All i want to feel is the water waving through me
Wetting my hair and allowing me to wish
I could spend eternity in this
Nothing but the rocks and open field
Setting me to imagine all of this could be real.
This is what i want to be
Free
Alone but not really
Alone
This is where i want to be
Home
I'd love
To go
Home
If i cant see you
Come with me.

6 minutes til 10.
my hands cradling pills and milk
to chase purposeful death down my throat
and i chase the freedom that has been revoked
when i was born
every day i awoke
i want to take back...
those critical moments...

almost 10 pm
and its over.
i dont want to see tomorrow.
im gonna swallow my solution...
one hour closer...
to death and away from sorrow...

no more poems no more sight..
no more breathing just one big light.

10 pm.
i surrender
good bye.

something really bad took place.
wasnt the first time it happened.
you can tell by the event i am not the same.
i wont bother smiling or laughing.
nobody will believe me
simply because i couldnt count
how many times these things
happen to me and look now...
im ****** up.
im worthy of every pleasure
but love.
howcome its so hard to care for me?
even i cant do it enough to be smart.
why is it impossible to be there for me?
maybe cuz i been through too ******* much...
i cant handle another crack in my chest.
i cant keep another secret for anyone elses

best interest

i cant ******* sleep at night so im deprived of rest that i need cuz i cant live with life being so...
unfair...

do i really put myself in these situations?

theres nothing that hasnt happened to me that i wasnt able to get away from.

yet im still running and the problems are chasing...

and they're all right there i didnt know they were waiting...

i cant think of suicide one more ******* time.
i cant ignore the fact that every one thinks every word i say is a lie.

i cant live with myself being the most ****** up when all i ever do is help every one else...

why do i feel so compelled to make others happy...

when inside its ******* killing me its ******* tearing at me...

im falling apart in my own head i really am..
i cant live through another fall i just cant...
i feel so dead inside and its bound to show itself.
if it hasnt already.
i need to get something to help me survive.
if life'll let me.

theres nothing in this world or out that could put me together in one piece again...

the contemplation of wanting to continue this life breaks the peace again....

everything was settling down and my thoughts were finally silent

until the gun shots went off trigger to my head and it was me behind it.

i dont know how to describe this feeling..

of being lost.
of being a disappointment
being wrong.
an example of why the generation before me is disappointed.

i feel like there is no where i belong.

and as long as i am here i will continue to feel this

but theres nothing to do because emotions are fearless

they dont care who you are or what youve been through

they excite and hurt and completely control you.

no matter what i try to do....

i cant help but feel like i just belong dead with you.

I tried to end it all again,
and yet again I am still here.
I really dont understand.
I'm giving up on giving up.
I wont even try to try harder.
Im throwing my hands up and leaving suicide alone.
But the feeling of it wont let me go.
i can say for the most part right now
i am pretty content.
i just dont want to think anymore about anything.
there's so much bad in my life that the good is impossible to see.
subconsciously i see possibility...
I am trying to push myself forward and carry myself ahead.
even though pain still lingers onto my legs,
nails deep in my calves making it hard for me to keep going.
but i know that as long as im moving forward im making progress even if slowly...

Naaire, you had a post on your instagram that read:

Slow progress is better than no progress,

And with all that has been said...

i am trying to make myself better because im tired of feeling dread.
suicide was my only way
but really i was already dead...
i need to make myself feel Alive

but i've been drowning myself instead..

at the moment i am okay
i have time for just one breath

its been so long since i've been okay...
and i thank the powers for that..

and i will try to go further than where im at.

"If only we could have 3 wishes".
You could have as many wishes as you want.
Granted wishes, not so much.

this generation
love's been dead for a while.
     No one knows hows to tell the truth.
If you just want *** you just want to have fun,
Thats fine by me i'll follow that rule.

   but when im alone
and unhappy
    when im upset and no one knows

i wish i had someone to come get me

and hold me so ******* close...

i wish i knew someone i could call

2 hours before the sun rises

come to my rescue before i go crazy
     sit with me and we'll watch the horizon.

i wish i could meet someone who made me feel comfortable and safe
   to make me believe in trust when he's away
he could be my best friend and i his
and we could better each other 'cause that's what life is.

i would say i love you and mean it to death
he'd be the only thought i have in my head

all i want is to have love i can feel
i really just want something real.

i'd do anything for him,
anything he asks,
we'd have our own secrets
we'd share our own laughs.

we'd have all types of times
good and bad

i'd never leave his side or let go of his hand.

he'd be my only desire
the rest of our lives begin down the isle.
then i shed that pretty white dress in the closet



i want something that is real.
not one doubt about it.

sitting on the bathroom floor
smoking kush behind the closed door.
listening to music/ all the bad i can ignore
i use it and i always feel better than i had before.

i think about every decision i've ever made
wondering why i never changed
wondering how things managed to go this way
if i hadnt done the things i did i cant help but imagine what wouldnt be the same

i stare into nothing
just lost
not really here
i can see
i can feel
i can hear
well aware
just not there
not anywhere.

i snap back into me
pull another dab plus
three
the drugs are not just killing me
they set me free
allowing me to be
where i've always wanted to be.
not here
not there...
not anywhere.
still
well aware...

The time has come
The heat
must
Run
The leaves
Leave
Their trees
Winter is slowly coming
Get ready
For the
Heavy
Scarves and bundles of warmth
Summer is running
Winter brings snowmade forts
Sparkly snow
If you look real close
You can see the tiny lights glow
Happiness grows
Even in the
cold
I can already taste the hot coacoa.

The bright white nights
The light pink skies
The dreadful early mornings
I love the winter time.

Laying in an abandoned car outside of my house.
Wondering and trying to figure out what everything is about.
It can't be that complicated, what if life is really simple?
You get up, you survive and you move forward little by little.
The trees are wet from the rain I brought down,
They're waving at me as the wind dries them out.
My heart ripped open and all that was poured was pure poison,
It's the venom I use to keep myself from being used,
I feel like I'm gonna relapse and fall in love with this dude,
But he's not right for me and I'm no good for him.
We'd only **** each other till the world ends.
I wish I could be normal but my mentality is so lost,
And everything I think of is almost always wrong.
People don't get me,
I'm sure my parents regret me,
I know I could keep going but my heart won't let me.
It's falling apart and it's getting even harder to pretend when no one will accept me.
Marijuana keeps me alright and I haven't had it in a week.
I tried to change for this boy who doesn't even like me.
I should've known better I don't like to be clean.
I want to be as influenced as possible till my blood turns green,
Like the **** like the money like all the finer things.
But that doesn't appeal to me in reality.
I just want someone who will Still love me after they've been mad at me.
Power and hopelessness fight in my mind.
And I can't seem to referee no matter how hard I try.
The rules are always broken and one of them always dies,
Hopelessness wins and I'm left here to wonder and figure out why.

you can ask all the questions you want.
just dont expect me to tell you the truth.
you say you wonder if im okay..
far from it but still walking through.

My thoughts are clouding the core of my skull

I can feel the storm coming but there's no where to go.
Shelter is beyond reach in my world where the suffering never sleeps and the pain never dies.

I hate it here.
I feel wasted here.
   Time isn't measured on this planet it just goes by.

And I sit here I never move because even if I do I stay behind.
Miles of space devoured by darkness,
All alone in this place I hate to say I can't take it but the energy it takes to fake it goes passed the skies, and...

I just ask myself why...

I choose to stay and die here.

When I so clearly have no need for existence or being alive here,

People... they offer help.
      They see me struggling by myself.

But when I accept it and let them in they turn around and walk away and leave me in this grave...

And I'm left more broken than before,
Emotions fall in their coffins once more,

I am silent as a corpse,
But my silence lies beneath much more...

My tears are loud and so ******* heavy.

I look in the mirror and whisper "please let me"...
Let me take you away let me show you a place where the look on your face isn't always the same,
The same look of sadness expressing how unhappy,
how abandoned and torn apart you are let me show you what could happen,
When you let what you imagine become what really happens,
And you make this ****** world the only place where you are happy.

Why
Do i
Cause so much pain
To me
you see
i lose but never gain
Family
is supposed to be
family
but not to me
they're the ones who hurt me the most
even more
than i
ever could alone.
its easier to cry than it is to laugh.

its easier to say bye than it is to lend a hand

its easy to wonder why when you're the victim in the case
but when you're the suspect
its easier to be chased

whether you get caught depends on what you do

clean up,
dont waste time,
get in, get out, move.

sometimes the worst gets the better of me too

feels like i land on the sun every time i aim for the moon

and i end up burning to death feeling like the heat just grew.
if only i knew.
it would be this way.

i never
ever
would have saved

myself

that day,
those days
back then

back when
failure followed every attempt

to take myself away from this world.
one day i'll be where i was trying to go

one day i'll see nothing but darkness

one day i really will be all alone.

life just seems to only get harder

and whether i'll last long is something i just dont know.
my thoughts are running around and i keep telling them to stop

i yell and throw all my belongings around

i try to be normal i try not to exist

i try to be happy i dont want to be like this.

im ****** up in every way and no one can help.

i dont know how the **** im gonna make it by myself.

With my knife in my hands
in plain sight
i dont give a ****
you're going to die.
pay for what you did to me
I can never get back what you took from me
I'm coming after you tonight
And you dont even know it.
off to Tabor ave
she goes
with everything she has
he owes
she will take what he should have that night
i swear to god you should have taken my life
out front before the building you took me into.
i lost my sanity im just waiting for you.
staring into the future
yet remembering what you did here.
i was naive i was vulnerable
i was stupid to think you were harmless
Never again will you hurt another soul
i have to make sure i end you.
the darkness wont let go
and neither will i
until i see your face again
and raise my knife as high
high as i can with full force push through
pushing all of this world out of you.
part of me feels ready and knows exactly what to do.
the other part isnt so sure i wont break down to tell the truth.
all i want is to deliver pain
to the man who destroyed me
you should have killed me instead of ****
they wont see me as a murderer , but a vigilante.

your eyes


transparent pupils

black irises

i can see the world through your sclera.

Like a mirror it reflects and shows me


not only what you see


but what the world doesnt .

i'd never hurt you but if i could

i'd cut you open to see what pours out.




maybe it heals right back up.

maybe you bleed white blood.


you dont have a heart that beats like mine.


your love is power that can be felt
and when i feel it i become paralyzed


but leave me powerless i want your love.



as if you knew me another time and i have no recollection



like you created my desires and the way i crave affection.




you're unique in yourself and your strength overtakes me.


i want to be the only one you build on, you cant replace me.




when i laid my head on your chest


my heart beat stopped and i lost every breath


i sunk into your energy and your body took me in.


your mind controlled my happiness and your love let me live.




without you i would lose everything i could ever win.





you are a force i could never go against.




insanity is normality and you make me feel....



i dont want this to end for as long as you are real.


you guide me towards a smile and that smile is always here.



but without you i'm left misguided, lost and no where near.




you can hear, see and affect me and the only way i know


is because you're the only creature who could do that with all your senses off.



if the world flooded tonight i dont know how to swim.




but i'd be breathing just fine as through your power i shall live.


you are a beautiful structure that i just cant resist to love.
if i never get to understand you i'll just understand you are the one.


you are so flawless i can stare at you forever,


i'll never get tired of seeing what keeps me together.

what's crazy yet amazing is you are completely humane.



yet foreign inside,


i can not tell from where you came.




all i know is you hit me and the force knocked me dead.


but i woke up and there i was,
my head lay on your chest.

and yet another sad poem.
because i cant seem to fix my problems.
because the issues that i have i cant do anything about them.
i wish that i were someone else.
i couldnt just be normal, could i?
and people offer to help but they only say it they dont mean it at all.
i do for everyone to make them happy,
maybe they'll love me maybe they'll thank me,
instead they send me away and as much as it hurts i still care and give them all my effort...
i dont want to live any more no i dont.
i dont want to give any more of my self.
i dont want to live any more i just cant...
i want to end it right now but love is holding my hand,
telling me please, stay,
dont hurt your family.
but what about them they never care if they hurt me...
why should i stay?
when i feel no value at all.
worthless,
i dont deserve this,
i pick myself up when i fall
because no one else will help me.
i dont have a purpose.
if serving people is all im good for,
its just not working.
i love to care and i love to make them happy.
but when they tear me apart in return i cant help but want to die.
and when i do they'll say they miss me and of course theyll wonder why.
i dont know what awaits me if there is another side,
but i know i'll find out soon because im running out of time.
i cant seem to be worthy of caring for no matter how hard i try.
i dont know how or when i'll go but when i do i hope they'll be alright.

it is okay for my pains to last forever,
But i will not let them stop me.
it is only humane to get hurt and get better,
so i will continue to progress without stopping.

Now a days the truth is more than we wanted to know.

some people believe it,
some people dont.

Now a days acceptance is spreading quite fast,
it's becoming the foundation of how long we will last.

honesty will bring people to unimaginable lengths

honestly it has made me an irrational mess.

i wish that i could scream till my lungs would explode.
before i leave the world my truths shall be told.

everything fact i keep inside will leave everyone else exposed.

the truth is the truth is much more than you'll ever know.

this burden should not be mine it should be his.
i dont know what to do but what i dont want to do is live.

how has this fire destroyed me entirely

when he and i were both equally lit?

my whole life i believed in so many different things.
as i grew up i found more and more of them to be *******.

my whole life i was skeptical about whether or not i belong here.

and almost 19 years old i know that i dont.

i would never throw blame for anything i've ever done.
but the truth now a days will make you want to run.




if i need my veins to carry my blood
if i need my heart to beat for my life,
if my brain keeps me aware and all of this stops,
really is there any afterlife?

the truth is in my head and circles surround it.
those circles are destructive and i completely allowed it.

i cant believe i lasted almost 19 years long.
the truth beat me to death i know after that i cant go on.

I can tear off my own skin
Pull my hair out and break my bones.
None of this will cause me to cry
Like the feeling of being alone.

no matter how silently i try to cry
i have very loud tears
i hold my mouth and it hurts to breathe
you dont know the hurt ive found here
you're gone away and i had to stay
i beg you but do you hear me?
i apologize through all the crying i cant speak clearly

i just want you back
i want you and the fact that i cant have you is what kills me.

no matter how quiet i try to be
your silence overpowers me.

Dont ask me questions when you wont believe my answers.
Why tell me one thing and actually mean another
I cant simplify this life to something that makes sense to me
Everything that happens in it makes me want to run away
The only happiness i can find is when im under the influence
I cant take this life of mine without someone to influence it.
Someone needs to help me
I cant help myself
Work with me just tell me
What to do to get out of this hell.
Take me away and ill do as you say
Tell me youll never leave my side
Maybe one day you can part ways
When i am finally truly alright.

I have a voice
And it speaks
But silence
Speaks louder
I have a heart
That bleeds
Bleeds love
But inside there's,
Something
Like a weakness
My voice becomes stronger
And my love
Stops bleeding
You will hurt me
No longer.