Type and type
Until my finger tips bleed
And write and write
Until the blisters sting.

Home isn't a place
Where to lay your head down,
Because places have  a tendency
To much like bridges,
Burn to the ground.

And beat your head against the wall,
Over and over
Because of that nagging feeling
In the back of your head
"Not good enough"
Eats away at the parts of you
You considered dead.

But it's getting later,
And you're not getting younger.
But who the hell cares,
I, being the general "you" I mentioned earlier, would wait an eternity to be by your side.

I'm flying away from my troubles.
From the pain,
From the wounds of my past.
And though I'm by your side,
There are plenty of scars along my skin.

And I hope you don't mind,
But I'm a little strange away from home.

But home isn't a place,
It's where my heart is,
And my heart happens to beat
Alongside yours.

No, I'm afraid home isn't a place,
Rather,
It's a heartbeat.

Too good to be true,
You're too lovely to be real.
I can't believe
Or maybe I just won't.

But I want to,
I want to.

You are a light,
A hope,
An honest sense of
Reality I've need and been waiting on
For much too long.

Tears sting
Behind my eyes.
What di I do,
What could anyone ever do,
To deserve someone as
Beautiful as you?

I'm astonished,
To think that
I am worthy of your care
And it's a hard to swallow truth
That I am the one you intend
To spend forever with.

I am shaking,
And maybe it's
Disbelief,
And maybe it's
Fear,
Because I cannot lose you,
The thought eats me up,
Tears me to shreds,
Breaks parts of me
That have always
Been whole.

But I have not lost you,
And I will not lose you.

And I am dreaming of a place
After a year from now at least,
Where my hand is held in yours
Not as a best friend and your girlfriend,
But rather a best friend and your wife.

I'm not so great
At being strong
And I'm not the best
At fighting back,
But give me a reason,
Love,
Give me a reason.

I've lived through things
That break most men,
And I've seen things
Much too dark
And gruesome
For eyes so wide.

But I'd live through it
A thousand times
Over again
To hold your hand.

And I'm not one for risking myself,
But I'd risk it all,
To be by your side.

And if your being happy
Meant watching hellfire eat away
At parts of me
Which I never really even claimed to have,
Then let the fire burn away at my flesh.

But luckily enough,
Your being happy means running my fingers through your hair,
And scratching your head as you fall asleep on my lap.

And luckily enough,
Being yours doesn't mean going through hell and back,
But it rather means the warmth of the heavens,
And the light I've never known myself to have.

I'm not much for sunshine,
But if you were a ray of sun,
And it was overcast,
I'd bask in your warmth
For all eternity.

I'm not one for rainstorms.
But if you were a rain drop,
And it were drizzling,
I'd beg for a downpour.

Got me sweating
got me nervous
I'm worried and a little bit
unprepared.
got me scared.

but pleasure and passion
toil inside me
and I can feel all that I am
yearning for you
pooling in the pit
of my stomach.

my neck is red with
love you gave me
and my face is red
with a blush that
you put there.

and all in all
it's been a good day
but I'm no good
at peopling
and I'm no good
at speaking my mind
over my fears and anxieties.

I love you,
and while I am sore and somewhat impassioned,
I've found that I need you,
in more ways than one.

Angelic deception
you'll never accept them
close eyes that are unseen and see a light
hidden within shadows
that will never grow quite
as bright
as the hope
within your chest.

lights burn out
and people burn like paper
but all in all
hope remains.

cowardly shyness
and the bravery to chew and swallow
rather than run and hide.
fear of being judged for
existing
and
living.

find
light
fight with
fire.
find love
fight with
hope.

Judging the millennials
For not wanting to have ***
With everything that moves.

Don't you understand,
It's not because of technology
Or a lack of human contact
Or emotional behavior?

It's because we're working ourselves to bone,
And we're reading books in order to succeed,
And we're studying everything and anything
We can get our hands on.
And we want something meaningful,
Something real,
Something honest.

Don't get me wrong,
I'm sure it'll be something that's worth it,
When the time comes for us all,
But isn't it better that we build relationships
Based upon foundations of friendship and loyalty
And committed hopes and dreams,
Investing our lives and ourselves into the other person,
Than doing it like rabbits do?

I'd rather love someone
For who they are
And how they make me feel,
Than be infatuated
With their organs.

We have taken a lesson from our parents generation--
Relationships built upon *** and nothing else end in failure, shame, and disgust.

So please,
Take a lesson out of our book.

*** is probably better
When holding the persons hand
Excites you just as much
As holding an existential conversation with them.

Please remember,
Lust holds no power over love.

I have a
Cheshire Grin.
Just as mad
Just as eerie.

I have a Cheshire Cat's Smile,
I'll coo to you in the wisps of your rage,
"Cool your jets."
And I'll explain how you need to keep
A level head
And all that jazz.

I have a
Cheshire Grin,
Because I am just as mad,
Just as eerie,
Just as innocent,
And just as deadly,
Within words and stories I spin,
And the webs I weave.

I am the
Mad Cheshire Cat,
For I am not a hatter,
No, nowhere near as cruel.

I am a Cheshire Cat,
Allow me to grin at you,
I am in all branches of the tree,
But in one spot,
All at once.

Feel the shiver down your spine,
As this the peculiar nature of this feline
Leaves you wondering,
Am I safe?
Am I sane?

Honey, in this world,
I am afraid
You are neither.

Slamming doors,
Stomping feet,
Angry tone,
And vicious eyes.

Screaming.
Yelling.
Harsh words.

And instead of flinching,
Unlike then,
Right here and right now
My fist clenches,
And I want to scream
"What power do you have?
Other than inflicting fear upon those that are weaker than you?"

And I feel nothing for those that have
Left me bruised and scarred,
Spitting up blood during my
Graduation ceremony.

Not contempt,
Not anger,
Maybe a little fear.

And when I feel rage
Coursing through my veins,
I'm suddenly calmed my a thought,
Sweet and Simple:

"My Bluebird."

And it's a song,
It's a smell,
It's a feeling of warmth and calm,
It's sanity in a good way,
Insanity in the best way.

My Bluebird of Peace,
Brings calm around me,
Brings the sizzling, explosive temper I possess,
Down into nothing.

He lifts me into the light of day,
When I'm overcast.
He pulls me into the warmth of human decency,
When I don't feel human at all.
There's a certain "who-knows-what" about him,
And I'm more than willing to find what it is,
And hold it to my heart with all the defensive protection
I can muster up.

Golden rays of sun,
Glistening down from the heavens,
And I'd rather be here with him
Than anywhere else.
A sky so blue it wraps you in the warmth
Of the sweet summer breeze,
That you almost can't feel because the humidity coats your wind pipe.

And birds flutter and sing in the distance,
And the soft call of a crow can be heard farther off,
And a song thrums in the back of my head,
And I feel a flounce and flutter in my heart,
And I want to feel the beat of his heart
Against my back
As we fall asleep.

The smell of apple cider
On a winters day,
And the warmth of the fire,
As my hands spread across a blanket,
To link fingers with his.

I want to remember
This feeling of being in love
Forever.
Yet I know,
I will be in love
With him until the end of days.

Sounds like a challenge,
But I promise I'm a challenge.
I challenge all kinds of things,
Like rules and authority
And demands made unto me by others.
I also challenge things like
Societal norms and standards,
And laws of nature from time to time.

And then one day,
I thought I'd given in to my own
Preconceptions
And decisions and law-like
Negative affirmations about my life.

And then you come around
With a positive outlook
And a laugh that makes my heart full.

And when you touch me suddenly
The world lights up
And my skin feels like it's buzzing and warm,
When usually all is cold and filled with ice.
You touch me,
And suddenly I can see
The beauty in every flower,
And the life within even the smallest budding leaf.

And your eyes
Touch my soul,
In a way I've never felt before.
I want you to love me
Deeper than my bones,
And once you feel my soul,
Simply go deeper.

And suddenly I'm trying to breathe,
Because I'm left breathless
Just at words you say to me
And the way they dance circles
Within my heart.

And your kiss
Is the oxygen I need
To keep myself afloat,
And I'm trying here,
I really am.
But just kiss me one more time,
I promise that's all I need,
But I could stay within
The warmth of your arms
For eternity.
I could bask in the bliss
Of your kiss
For all of time.

About twenty seven hours
Until I see you.

And only one more night
Until we spend the night together.

And only one more morning,
Until I wake up to you.

And less than twenty four hours
Until I change into the dress I want to wear.

There's only one day, three hours
And fifty nine minutes
Until my hand will be in yours again,
And I'll be able to see you,
Really, actually see you.
Colors and all.

Losing the two of you
was like watching the sun die
and the air around me
and in my lungs
burst into flame.

it was being stuck
on a lifeless planet
and watching my home
go careening into oblivion.

and after I lost her,
I almost lost my mom.
it still keeps me up at night
everytime she's sick.
I hate myself
sometimes
for trying to push her away
because I didn't want it to hurt
if she really did die.

and on march 15th of 2015, I lost him,
we all did.
and I remember because this month
in 2014
I almost lost myself.

and I remember
that when one of our
old friends called me
my wrists felt like fire
but my mouth was cold.
my chest wouldn't move
and I could not speak
if it was not to grossly scream and sob.

I let myself fall into toxic people
I was vulnerable
but that was no excuse.

I became toxic myself
and I let myself become bad again.
and I don't know what happens
after death but I have to believe in something
because I can't stand to think
that D and Reese are gone and aren't safe
and that selfishly I won't see them again.

and when they tried to break me
these new toxic people,
I found myself.

I am fiery and strong,
a storm siren.
I do not break
because or due to men.

but I have found
within
the love I have
for a boy I met
when I was at the budding age of ten,
that I am much softer,
much gentler than previously made out to be.

and I recognize this feeling as a genuine sort of care and love
because this is the feeling I had
when I only ever wanted to protect her.

you do not need swords or shields
to fight for someone.

every day I fight my past
so I may remain
flying with my bluebird.

I'm not so great under pressure
That isn't life threatening.
And I'm not overtly funny,
Or good at acting,
And I can't sing a **** thing.

But I have some music in my heart,
That can sometimes be expressed through words
And food that tastes pretty alright if you ask me.

And I know things most people don't,
Though I don't know things most people should,
And I'm not great at things like math
Or science,
But I like science,
And math proofs are pretty cool to read too.

My train of thought is run by color,
And the ever changing varieties that appear
And are caused my sound and noise.
Like plates shattering is a translucent blue,
And knives on ceramic are yellow.

The word liar is
Light brown, yellow, pink and orange,
And the word love
Is light brown, green, yellow, and red.
Like a sunset over a forest.
The word forest is brown and blue with a hint of white.

I see the world as ever changing,
Ever turning,
But one thing,
Color,
Will always remain the same.

Bright and vibrant,
And it touches my spirit and my circulation,
Driving me from fiery to ice cold.

I see the vibrant blue of the sky,
And the soft pastel of a budding leaf,
And laugh at the orange of a sunset,
And the red of the sun.

Because nothing compares to the beauty I find
In a Bluebird I call mine.

And to know that random facts
About things that aren't necessarily important
Don't seem to bother
Someone important,
Settles the storm within my soul
Like no other.

I have never
Been considered
"Good enough".

A thing I have struggled with
My entire life.

I have never
Been considered
"Good."

By the people
Who supposedly make those judgments.

But who am I?
To live my life by judgments
Of others
Who are not in my head,
And who were not there for the events
That have made me who I am.

Because those that matter
Will stay,
Will listen,
Will hear me out
In the darkest depths
Of my darkest moments.

They will understand
My defense mechanisms
Of hostile sarcasm
And quiet tears that come too often.

I close my eyes,
And remember a voice,
Remember a smile,
A laugh,
And everything slows and calms
Rather rapidly.

And I am in love
And I am happy,
And I am okay.

My Bluebird
Loves me,
And I am not alone,
Despite the feelings the nightmares haunt me with.

And darkness,
Sick and strange,
Tries to creep inside my mind,
And I will fight it off.
As I am good,
And that in itself is good enough.

I have many fears.

I am afraid of the dark,
I am afraid of rain (or used to be),
I am afraid of abandonment,
I am afraid of who I am when I'm enraged and in a bad place.
Loud noises and yelling freak me out.
I don't like blood or knives running across flesh,
And things with too many legs scare me.

I don't like seeing people in any type of physical pain,
But I've put these fears aside many times.

I'm afraid of being left alone,
Without anything to my name,
Once more.

I'm afraid of investing myself
And it going to waste.
I'm afraid of showing a softer side of myself,
And it being rejected.

But here's a kind word,
And here's a loving gesture,
And here's the feeling of your hand on mine.

And suddenly I'm not scared.
I could do this.
If for you,
If for us,
I can stand up.
I can take the risk of falling,
Jump that cliff,
Spread my wings
And hope I fly,
Hope we fly.

And here I go,
Here I am,
I am flying because I took the risk of loving you,
Trusting you.

And I trust you.
Wholly and entirely,
And I hope and pray
Every ****** day,
That you'll take me as I am
And you have.

And I know I'm an odd one,
But the least I can do is show you
How much I care
Through words and
Metaphor.

But being brave
Has nothing to do with not being afraid.
Being fearless is for the idiotic.
Being brave is seeing the danger,
And going forward anyway.

I haven't had an appetite for weeks
Until today.
And for days
I've been seeing nothing but grey,
But today it seems
I've got enough love in my heart
To bubble over.

I know I'm kind of a child
When I'm sick
But thank you so much
For being  concerned
And I know it's odd,
The fear inside me,
Caused by my own nature,
My own being,
My own insecurities,
But your eyes and your smile,
And knowing that maybe somehow
I was the cause of that smile,
Well it means the world to me.

And I hope I'll get to hear your voice tonight,
Or maybe make you laugh,
See you smile.

It's strange that it used to be,
That all I wanted was to make a difference
In the darkness of this world,
But it seems to be,
However strange to me,
My only desire
Is to make you smile.

And call me sappy,
Call me cliche,
I guess I don't care,
Because I'd rather be a cliche
Than be cold within my heart
Instead of within my touch.

My extremities are ice cold,
But I promise my heart is warm,
For the most part.

And I'm hoping you're well,
And I'm hoping to be by your side
Now and forever.

That might be weird to say,
But it's a feeling that I know is right,
Like when the moment matches
The swell of the music,
Subtly playing in the background.

It's in the pit of my stomach,
The beat of my heart,
The core of my being,
And within every nerve.

I know being yours
Is right in a way,
I've never felt before.
Your name fits on my lips
Like a smile in a moment
Filled with bliss.

The sun is shining,
The air is warm,
The breeze is cooling
Off the heat of the blood beneath my skin.

And I can feel
The biting sting
Of tears behind my eyes,
As a deli cashier berates me
For asking for a container.

I roll my eyes,
Move on and move forward,
I can't let me anxiety and that guys problems
Bring me down today.

Walking home in the heat,
From the store.
Spend an hour working on trail mix,
Cursing myself for making so little.
Cursing myself for not buying more of the ingredients.
Cursing myself for not making more money,
For not being better,
For upsetting anyone ever.
For being myself in certain aspects that I am me--

No.
Breathe.
Breathe right now.
In, out.
In, one two three.
Out, one two three.

I close my eyes,
Breathe in sharply,
Wash the dishes,
Make lunch,
Take my meds,
Clean up.

Check what I need to
Off my list,
Clench my fists,
Release the strain.

Muscles burn,
Tension in my shoulder,
Shake my head,
Use my hand in place of ice,
Wait for the burning twist to subside.

Guzzling Gatorade,
To drive away the headache,
Tears threaten to fall,
Ignore them,
Ignore the lump in my throat,
It doesn't matter.
Stop doubting yourself.
You didn't do anything.
No one did anything.
It's been a stressful few days.
You've been isolating yourself.
Stop doubting yourself.
Demand that you treat yourself better.
Ignore it ignore it ignore
The lump in your throat
The stinging behind your eyes
The pressure on your chest.
Ignore it.

They cannot hurt you now.
The dreams cannot get to you when you're awake.
Ignore it. It's over.
Do not doubt yourself.
You are loved you are loved you are loved.

Look at the sky,
Remember something good,
Something real,
Something honest.
All you can think about is flying,
And how refreshing it is.
How scared are you?
Fear is pooling in the pit of your stomach,
Like a puddle of murky water.
Something's wrong and maybe it's that you're thinking too much,
But it's too much and it won't stop but it has to.
You have to make it stop, right now.
Breathe!

The warmth of the sun
Is like the warmth of my Bluebird's smile,
But there's something eating away at my insides,
And the sun can't help.

Man, sure, rain *****.
But boy, does sunshine bite.

The sky opens up,
And rain pours from the sky,
Thunder cracks in the distance,
And for the first time in forever,
As my skull is relieved of pressure,
I think "Finally."

And I'm not afraid of the rain,
Any longer,
Because the man I love
Likes the rain,
And so maybe I should too.

My Bluebird, if I can fly with you,
Then I'm sure I could dance in the rain too.

But of course, not today.
I'll wait for you.

As a child I'd stare fondly at the barn owl
That would coo outside my older brother's
Window.

My mother would go on and on
About how the owl was a demon.

I was four years old
When I befriended a garden snake in the yard.
I'd run out to the garden,
After ladybugs or in search of caterpillars,
And the little black snake would peer out from under a bush,
Awaiting a piece of frozen chicken I'd bring him from the freezer in the garage.

He'd slither over my bare feet,
And I'd ask him questions
That I never received
Any answers to,
But I was still satisfied
With his presence.

And one day,
I was five,
And excitedly came home from my first day
At a kindergarten I never went back to after September was over.
I raided the freezer,
And brought out half a chicken breast
But Luce wasn't by the hydrangea's.

Finally I heard the smash
Of metal on pavement,
And he had been beheaded
By a neighbors dad,
Using a gardening trowel.

I was not fond
Of the irony.

And in the days to come
I'd make friends with the crows in the yard.

And in the months to come,
I'd recognize a love for creatures other than my own.

And in years following,
I'd much rather converse
With things that would not respond nor listen,
Than beings who think they know better.

And as being repeatedly rejected
And ostracized
Commonly does to a person,
I had resolved that only bad things
Happen to people I care for,
And whether it is true or not,
It is not fair to attempt to protect them
At the cost of their feelings
And my sanity.

So if I'm just bad news,
Let me borrow a line from Taking Back Sunday:
"If I'm just bad news, then you're a liar."

I will never be the rising sun
On a rainy day,
But allow me to be the rain
For the roots of a dying plant.
Allow me to be warmth
On an especially cold winter's day.

Allow me to be the relief
To your pain,
Somehow.
Whether it be the ice that runs through my veins,
Or the fire within my chest.

You have shown me
That flying is more than possible
For the likes of me.
You've very much
Been a beacon of light
On a day that clouds were overwhelming my vision.

I wanted to hold your hand,
But if given the chance,
I'd like to hold your heart.

So I'm not so fond of the latter,
So let's find something a little more doable,
And I'm sorry if I don't seem amicable,
But let's get the ball rolling.

I can write
And I can fight,
And let's just pretend I've got the gall,
But I'm not so on the ball,
To be honest,
But let's get this started
I promise, I'm trying my best.

I love you dearly,
I love you sincerely,
And nightmares leave me gasping,
Suffocating,
And your kind words
And voice,
It's like oxygen to lungs deprived of air.

I can breathe again,
And suddenly I'm okay,
And the tension in my shoulders
Loosens ever so slightly,
And the burning pain in my muscles
Stops,
Because peace has finally been found,

Within the heart of a Bluebird
I am lucky enough
To call my own.
I'll never have to face
These demons alone,
And for that I am grateful,
Entirely and truly.

Sip from your glass,
So high and mighty.
I'd like to make you
Swallow your teeth.

The current is calm,
The waves are slowing,
This is a calm before a storm,
A pause before I get going.

And darling, I'm yearning
To watch your soul burning,
As I'm sure it is.
There's fire on the surface
Burning through
Leaving nothing left.

The memories you left me with,
Keep me up at night,
Make me sick,
And I'm so sick of being sick,
This is why I told you not trust me
With a weapon in hand.

And
I'd come after you
If I really cared,
But I'm not that bitter,
Mostly just offended by your
Childish nature.

Leave me out of it,
Out of your life
Away from you.
I'm nothing to you,
As you're nothing to me.

There's blood in your water,
The oldest omen in the book.

Toxic VS. Toxic,
Hey ***, it's kettle.

Blood in your water,
Poisoning your lungs
Your veins
Leaving your black heart
Oozing black lifeless
Emotionless goo,
As you don't have a hope
Nor a heart
Nor a kind little lie,
Left in your dull head.

It's a little past midnight,
And I'm a little past tired.
And my chest is burning,
With the bile I keep spitting back up.

These pain killers
Are destroying the flesh of my stomach,
Leaving me writhing and shaking my head
In cold sweats
Wanting not to,
But vomiting anyway.

I brush my teeth,
The mint burns the back of my throat,
And I feel it cooling my esophagus.

And I go change in my room,
Peeling off a sweat drenched tank top
And black shorts,
I put on your hoodie
And a pair of jean shorts
That maybe are a little cleaner.

I'm sitting in front of my laptop,
Debating sitting under a blanket,
But this sickness has me frozen,
And this infection is something
I can't sweat out fast enough.

Closing my eyes,
And all I seem to find
Are things I don't want to see.
Rest won't seem to find me tonight,
And that's alright I guess, it's all I can do to see straight.

Pale skin,
Red lips,
Dark eyes,
Dark hair.

Drift in and out of nothingness,
And try to haunt my efforts to get better.

I buried that skeleton long ago,
So stay down
In the deepest depths
Of the muddiest ground.

Threats of breaking skulls,
If it is dared to pull me under.

I am not who I once was,
And I have shed memories
Like snakes shed skin.

I cringe and writhe in agony
At the person I used to be.

Blackened eyes
And reddened cheeks,
Bruised hip bones
And ****** knuckles.
I am shamed to say,
I can see
How it came to be,
This ghost of me.

But she is gone,
And I am new,
To say goodbye
To the ghost of me and
All she's been through.

So I'm technically certifiable,
And you're the type that I want to keep around.
I'm the kind of person
That holds onto letters and movie ticket stubs
And drawings with hearts on them.

I'm not great at letting go,
But I'm sure as you've noticed,
I'm fantastic
At getting attached.

And I'm the kind of girl
Who doesn't stick around very long,
Because losing people is unbearable,
But I'm also the kind of girl
That sticks to her word
No matter what.

And what if I made a promise,
To both you and myself,
That I'm going to be around
For as long as oxygen sifts through the breeze?
And what if I told you
That's the only promise I need?

I'm shivering
And wrapped up in your sweatshirt,
And you probably fell asleep
(Not like I blame you, you were tired)
But I can't seem to tell if I'm shivering out of being cold
(As per usual)
Or shivering because I'm so excited
To love you.

You promised me
You're not going anywhere,
And maybe I'm a little sentimental,
But listening to music that makes me think of you,
Helps me come to terms
With how much I trust in you and that promise.
Everything is telling me that this is right,
And safe,
And I don't normally place bets
Because I generally lose,
But I'll write it out now,
Because I bet we'll make it.

Give me something/anything to hold on to this moment/you.

I could flip through a million pages,
In a thousand books,
And still not find
The right phrasing
The right combination
Of 26 letters
And 1,025,109.8 words,
To describe
The love in my heart for you.

I cannot find the right mixture
Of sentences
And paragraphs
To articulate
The amazement
And fantastical
Wonder
That is the entirety
Of you.

But I cannot just let
"I love you"
Suffice.

Because I do not give up,
And I do not give in,
And I will not let
A language keep me
From reiterating
How much you mean to me.

And maybe it's sappy,
And this is cliche,
But all I know right now
Is that your hand in mine,
And me in your arms,
Is the ending I so desire
For this story.

I could travel
To distant lands,
Dangerous oceans,
And unknown places,
And still find not one thing good enough
To describe all that you are to me.

I find comfort in books,
And warmth in pages,
But it is not the same comfort
Nor the same warmth
I find in your smile
Or within your arms.

I wanted to be
Exceptionally different
Exceptionally profound
Exceptionally amazing.

But I am left to face
The mediocrity
Of my existence
And yet I'm okay
With it
Because
Why shouldn't I be?

I'm a nobody
No one
For now.

But just because I don't feel the urge
To send myself spiraling after people
Whose only intentions are to break me
Doesn't mean I'm heartless
Doesn't mean I feel less
Doesn't mean I'm useless.

And no,
I'm not angry.
This isn't anger.
This is a realization
That I am okay
With who I am
And where I am
And that I don't need
Exceptionally painful
Reminders
To keep going.

I don't need to forget,
But I don't need to relive
All that has been done.

I have found
That I am content
With
The life I lead of introspection and unsaid monologues
On feelings I won't profess because they were never cared to be heard of,
And consideration and compassion
For all beings
Even those that have left me scarred and burned.

I am euphoric
With being a lover of words
And a lover of my Bluebird.

I am gladly living
A life of stubborn pride
And gentle smiles
And kind tones,
Holding the hand of another
Who would gladly walk hand in hand beside me.

I wanted to be
Exceptionally smart
Exceptionally beautiful
Exceptionally skilled,
But instead,
It seems
I am
Exceptionally happy.

I was once
A distant memory
And I forget
But I don't want to recall
The pain that my life was
When you were my friend.

So I hope you're well,
But know that I cannot
Be there
I cannot
Care.

No one saw
The wounds
For they were sheathed
Beneath
Bone.

It hurts to fade
Away from you,
But if this is the journey
Life must take me on
Then this is the journey
I will gladly accept.

You'd be so proud,
Or maybe you wouldn't,
I am unsure
If I know you
Anymore.

But the you you used to be
When you were you and I was me,
Would be so proud
Of who I have become.

I am strong
But careful,
And I do not strike,
But if I do,
It is swift and painless
And the only hurt that is left over
Is mine and mine alone.

I hope you are well,
But riddle me this,
If you were you
And I were me
Would we still be
This distant?

I think of warmth washing over me,
As a blush creeps up my spine,
And spreads across my face.

Scarlet would christen my cheeks
On a day void of color,
If I were to hear your voice
And feel your breath against my skin.

But instead I am cold,
My bones and neck are stiff
With a lack of movement.

And I look towards the window
And sigh at the grey and threat of rain.

But my heart is light,
And I keep trying to reach
For you though
You aren't here.
443 miles away,
It's not that far,
But I can't afford a train.

And pain
Destroys my abdomen
But laughter lights up my face,
When I think of us and conversations.

And I adore
So much of you,
All of you,
I wish I could display
It in a proper way,
But when have I ever
Been considered
Proper?

From dragons
To sword play
To dresses and boots
And rain and mud,
I'm not what you'd call
A proper young lady.

I am very much a lady,
But behaving
Has never been my particular
Well,
Pattern of behavior,
If you will.

I am here,
With open wings and a fluttering heart
Waiting anxiously
To fly with you,
If you'd have me.

To think,
Today we are flying,
Maybe one day we'll be nesting as well.

So it's scary telling you all these things
About me.

But with your eyes
Locking onto mine
And my voice
Trilling around your name,
And your breath
Curling around the word
"Hummingbird"
In reference to me,
And my hands in your hair,
Lulling you into relaxation,
And your hand on my knee,
Keeping me grounded,
Or your arms around my torso,
Keeping me safe in a warmth
Within your soul

It's like fireworks
Or symphonies
Bursting into ambition
To keep going
To keep trying
To keep being.

Being near you
Is like being near something radioactive,
But the only thing radiating off
Is complete and total
Bliss.

And if you plugged me into
A polygraph,
And asked me if I thought we'd make it
To forever,
My answer would simply be:
"Of course I do."

But take out the polygraph,
And my answer will be
"Boy, do I hope so."

'Cause I'm not gonna jinx it,
But I think we'll make it,
I think we'll make it
Because we're fireworks
And symphonies
And silent nights watching stars
And nights staying up late
Either laughing or kissing or talking about things that get a little too deep
To parts that still sting.

And I wouldn't trade loving you
For fireworks we never got to see.
And I'd rather listen to your rhythmic breathing
When you sleep,
Than see the lights and colors of
Explosions in the sky.

I'd rather your kiss take my breath away,
Than any music or light show.

Your eyes make me melt
And that's a feat in itself,
'Cause I'm pretty cold.

And I hope I can make
You feel the same.

I was so scared to open up
To anyone
And now here we are,
I'm baring all that I am
And I'm scared it won't be taken well,
But these are the soft, vulnerable parts of me.

Take care please,
I bruise easily.

If you love a poet
Let me give you a word of warning:
We trust slowly,
But love swiftly
And fiercely
And with all that we are.

If you love a poet,
She will forget chores
And things on the grocery list
But she will be able to recite
Her favorite quote
And stanza from
T.S. Eliot's the Hollowmen
As though she wrote them herself.

If you love a poet,
She will stumble over words when confessing feelings
And reciting poorly timed jokes (making them all the more unfunny),
But be able to write ten pages at least a day
On how you light up the null void she thought her heart was.

If you love a poet,
She will get choked up
When thinking of all the pain you've endured
And wipe at streaming eyes,
Because her empathy runs too deep and
Too wide.

If you love a poet,
Nothing will be organized
But that receipt you were looking for
Will have some extra ink on the back,
Something-something about birds
Another something about finally being heard.

If you love a poet,
She won't be able to be impressed with her own cooking,
And she'll misplace everything all the time
And it will send her into a panic.
She won't remember where her cellphone went,
And whether or not it was on vibrate or just low,
But she'll remember exact dates and times that music
Came on that made her think of you,
And whether or not you were with her
Or if you were holding her hand.

If you love a poet,
She won't remember names or faces,
Or movie titles of flicks she likes,
But she'll be able to tell you the feel of your lips
Pressed against her skin
In detail that makes her shiver,
And how the feeling of you hand on her knee
Makes her heart skip enough beats
To make her head spin.

If you love a poet
She'll write your rise to the sky a thousand times,
And never once fathom writing your fall.

If you love a poet
She'll misquote things that make her laugh,
Sending her into a spiral of embarrassed giggles.
She'll be clear enough and pay enough attention
To correct those that are misinformed on a position or stance.
But she'll be zoned out to new inspiration
And writing your praises
Too much
To remember that food is necessary
And that water is helpful.

If you love a poet
She won't be in your world
When writing,
But all her work
Will involve her care for you.

If you love a poet,
She'll go on and on about your colors,
Your bravery,
Your smile
Your laugh
And expect nothing back.

If you love a poet,
You will be there for the darkest nights,
Where she had never let light in before.
For the nightmares
Where her voice is meaningless,
As it had been for the majority of her life.

If you love a poet,
You will see the shadows
Of her fear
Overwhelm her
And feel her nails in your skin
Too hard,
And her fingers squeezing yours
Too tight
Too hot
For someone always so cold.
You will see the fear in her eyes
When things are too loud
Too angry.

If you choose to love a poet,
You will see her lash out at her own devices,
And feel the scars her ire
And poor coping skills
Left her with.

If you choose to love a poet,
You will see
Parts of a troubled mind
No one has ever seen.
You will hear her confession
That imagery doesn't fit
The painting she wishes to make for you
With words
To describe her love for you and all that you are.

If you choose to love a poet,
Know that she is a  fragile thing,
With shaking hands
And quivering knees.
Know that she is brave and strong
Only in the conditions that are familiar.
And she has a "I'll do it myself," mentality,
For that's all she's ever known.
And when she's left injured with fractures all around,
Her first thought is "That didn't go as planned."

If you choose to love a poet,
You will have to deal with metaphors
And similes
And her staring at you in awe.
If you choose to love a poet,
She will scoff at those who have hurt you,
And know that it is because she hates that she cannot protect you.

If a poet loves you,
It was not a choice,
Rather a result of circumstances
That were beautiful and meant to be.

If a poet loves you,
She intends to inform you,
And she intends on staying.

If a poet loves you,
It will be wholly and entirely and until
The end of days.

Make believe
I'm a mess
If you so choose
If doing so makes you feel better.

Weightless,
Don't get me started.
There's nothing
That keeps me grounded,
Quite like him.

Down to Earth,
Honey no,
I've got my head in the clouds,
And my feet are running on stars.
(Rewrapping old scars)

And reality doesn't come crashing down,
When I go tumbling back to our atmosphere,
Because my reality
Is in the clear.

'Cause it's not like
I regret my choices
That lead me to here.
Whether it's left me with scars or fear,
I would say
I turned out okay.

Listen up,
If you would find it pleasing to hear,
Or even if not.
I'm a pistol
With the safety on.

My smile melts
The ligaments in your knees,
And my knuckles are scarred
From fights with things that also bleed,
So you're no different,
In all honesty.

But he kisses me
And it leaves me breathless,
And suddenly the violence,
And swift movement
Of the fight
And grace on my feet
Comes crashing down,
I'm burning in the atmosphere.

I'm left as a
Fragile thing,
A bird with buzzing wings.

Dust off scorched skin
And soot covered feathers,
I'm stained in ash
And the pale raised skin
Of scars I probably somehow deserved.

Who I used to be,
And who I am now
Are no longer the same.

I used to fight to survive,
In more ways than one
And today I have to bite my lip to keep
From smiling
At seemingly nothing.

And I kept trying
To keep flying back to the stars,
And I kept getting burned,
But I don't need heavenly bodies,
No,
I needed another bird to fly with.

Scramble the iridescent reds and purples,
With the greens and yellows,
Fluttering and flying,
I'll fly with him,
My Bluebird.

At peace with a life,
I never intended to live.
I never intended anything
Until now.

I fully intend
On sticking around
And staying with him
For as long
As he'll have me.

And I'll fight like the hell I've seen
To stay longer.
Giving up is for cowardly children,
They throw away what's broken
In order to get a new one.
Breaking it further so no one judges them
For throwing it away.

I am no child,
And I am now coward.

I want a life with my Bluebird.
And **** it all to hell
If I let petty displays of power
Rip that from my hands.

So let me inform you, kindly,
Of my intentions.

As a demisexual synesthete who writes too much and pays attention too little, I fully intend on staying here, hand in hand, wing by wing, with the bird that taught me (most likely subconsciously) that falling in love is the wrong way to do it. Fly, don't fall. All it takes is enough determination and desire to keep going in efforts for a life with another.

I hope you read this,
Because I hope you're driving safely.

I hope you read this,
And know that I love you.

And music plays in the back of my head,
And I try to remember the song,
I believe it was Buddy Holly by Weezer which played on
July 4th, on the way to the restaurant we met up with your family at,
That also was playing today I think on the way to breakfast/lunch.

I Miss You by Blink 182 has a tendency to play
When we're in the car together as well.

"Hello there,
Angel from my nightmare"
Seems a little accurate,
I think.

I hope you're driving safely,
I hope you make it home safe and sound.

I hope you read this mainly because
I know you're going to read it.

I am your Hummingbird, given that name by you for reasons I cannot recall verbatim.
And you are my Bluebird of peace, because your touch calms me in moments I would be blinded by fear.

I don't know if this is about being the underdog,
Or coming of age,
Or finally finding some type of peace,
I'm not sure
Which genre of manga/anime
Our story is,
But so far I like it.

I'm trying at analogies
But my poetic nature is failing me.

If we were a story,
You'd be a hero,
And I'd be some peasant girl making a living as a bard,
Writing music and lyrics that probably don't match.

And you'd be great with some type of thing
That probably defeats the antagonist,
And I'd be great with words,
And maybe some type of lowly magic.

You'd maybe have some type of technological magic
That I couldn't fathom,
Or weaponry
Or mastery over some mystical animals,
I mean hell,
You're great with not-so mystical animals.

And I feel like we'd be the story,
Where the strife wouldn't be us against each other,
Rather us against the world.

I don't know,
I'm not sure,
But either way,
I like our story.

Crossing my fingers, here.
I don't want an ending,
But a whole bunch of sequels with you sounds pretty nice.

So my phone's battery is flashing,
and we're watching a movie I've seen a thousand times.
Anxiety's eating away at me
Because I want to make a good impression
and the thought of being in the town of
Leesburg scares me a lot.

But with you by my side,
And maybe a pen and paper
I think I'll make it just fine.

But the desire to hide under a blanket
And wish the world away
or at least that part of town,
is tempting.

I want you to know
I love you so
And as I drift off
I imagine being in your arms
And I want so bad
for it to be real.
because you are my
light.

I love you,
Bluebird,
And have you not heard?
Don't you know?
Life is what you make it.
and I choose to make a life with you.

I've got running away
Running through my veins,
But I'd like nothing more
Than to stay.

And if it was to stay,
Right here,
Right now,
Right by your side,
Then I think
I'd be okay.

Not to say that I'm not
It's just that this is a lot,
All that I'm feeling.

Control.
It's about controlling
Myself, my heart, my trust in people.
But how could I not trust you?
That's essentially impossible,
For the likes of me.

I've always run away,
I just run away,
When I'm scared
When feeling gets hard
When the air gets thin.

I run away because
My skin is made of
Sun drenched pavement,
And my heart is made of frostbite,
Because hurt-people hurt people,
And I don't want to hurt anyone.

So run before you hurt them,
Run as fast and as far,
If you let them in you'll hurt them,
But I can't hurt you,
I won't hurt you.

Freedom is being free with you,
And if freedom means
Sticking around
I'll be around
For as long as I can.

But even with who I used to be,
I'm so glad to be this new me,
Because now I have a reason not to run.

If I've got running away
Running through me veins,
Then let me stay,
Let me stay with you.

For me as a kid
It was never about fitting in.

It was about belonging
As I was.

Not like it mattered.
I moved around too much
To have more friends
Than a dog and a stuffed lion.

By the time
I was around
Long enough to have anyone
At all
I was perceivably damaged
Enough
That I didn't know how to interact,
And how to treat and be treated.

So I'm figuring it out.
I'm pretty close, I think.

But it's a weird feeling,
Finding a place where
Your abnormalities
Fit like a missing element to a painting.

Being ripped from it,
And ripping things from your
Personality and nature
To fit somewhere where you'd never belong
Anyway.
You're just not that way.
Not that catty.
Not that fake.

And when they reveal the horrible,
Razor-laden truth to you,
You sit there bleeding,
And ever so
Softly
You are approached by quiet footsteps.

You breathe in and smell the forest.
You breathe out and feel soft feathers.
And ever so gently
You are enveloped in a new type of kindness,
A new type of love.
Something real and refreshing,
But familiar.
But instead of being the missing element of the painting like before,
You're a missing instrument in a song.
The missing metaphor
From the poem,
That connects all the symbolism,
So the imagery is just right.

And finally,
Flying by your side,
Within your arms,
The fire in your eyes,
And the light of your smile,
I am home.

Stupid, awful tears
Won't stop threatening to fall.
Out of fear that either I ****** up
Or I'm just not being quick enough on the uptake.

Not like that ******* matters.
There's this weird feeling of being
Disappointed with myself.
I should have quarantined myself
For the day
No food
No sleep
Leaves me sad and angry,
Touchy and easily upset.

I want to sleep
So maybe I can dream of you instead of
Experiencing the cold that is in my bones.

But I love you,
And I'm sorry
Because my eye lids feel like lead
And I miss you.

You asked what you're going to do with me,
I said keep me around,
You jokingly said "I don't know..." I think.

But my heart suddenly panicked,
Please don't take it back. Don't put me back.
And I'm not doubting you, but boy, do I doubt me.

**** sleeping tonight,
I'm going to sleep now.
I hope you're sleeping well,
And know that I love you and I'm sorry.

I know you'll tell me not to apologize,
But I have to because I want to be in your arms rather than shivering on this couch.

I can feel the nausea and distaste
Pooling like blood from a wound in my mouth.

Spit and flush,
Brush my teeth,
Ignore the flashback creeping in the corner of my mind,
Because girls weren't people to you,
They were triumphs,
Beasts to have wrestled with and overcome.

And it makes me feel
The exact opposite of clean
Knowing you fooled me.

And as I'm scrubbing dishes in my mother's kitchen,
I make sure to scrub my hands with the rougher side of the sponge too.

When the hot water shuts off,
The cold of this virus
Hits me like a ton of bricks
And I see all these dark parts of myself,
And it twists like a knife in my stomach,
When I realize how much I hate you.

Bouncing between indifference and hatred,
The whiplash makes me nauseous.
I want to light your favorite shirt on fire,
Since you left it with me.
And I'm going to send the necklace back to your mom,
And the ring back to your brother,
Because neither thing was yours.

I don't deserve
To be reminded
That you were a part of my life,
And that part of my life was a lie.

I'm trying to pull through
An anxiety attack
So I type away
And hope to God it doesn't get much worse
Than a few labored breaths.

I can feel this virus
In the back of my throat,
Wrapping around my windpipe.

And with a few forced breaths
And dry eyes,
I push the sickening feelings
Back down my throat,
And this takes a turn now,
Because I just texted my Bluebird,
And all of a sudden I'm explaining almost-anxiety attacks
And we're talking about Pokemon Crystal,
Which he's playing on his phone.

And I ask him to promise,
And so he promises me
That he's not going anywhere.
And I'm crying because for the first time
In my entire life,
I believe someone when they make that promise.

And it hits me
Like a ton of bricks,
I'm okay.
I'm okay.

Dear my Bluebird,

Tonight I wrote letters to those who have left me somewhat less than before, and one to another who has helped me put myself back together again.

Tonight I realized that that's okay, because what they took are not things that could not be replaced or renewed or bettered.

I know the subjects of pt. 1 and pt. 3 will upset you. I know you dislike the people they are addressed to. And I do not blame you. There's no reason for you to like them, especially as I have been left in the condition I have been left in.

I also know you will read this in the morning.

But I love you. I hope you know that your kindness and protective nature is something so new and beautiful to me. I hope you know that I appreciate you and everything you are and that you do. I also hope you know that I find you brave and brilliant. Hearing you speak about anything that fascinates you, really, stimulates a part of my heart that has never found so much joy in hearing another human being be.

I might not sleep tonight, but I might not have to. As long as I remember the feeling of your fingers intertwined with mine, some type of peace will be found tonight.

Yours truly,
your Hummingbird

Dear Drift Compatible,

You are my best friend. We do not talk every day, but we do not have to. You are kind, and good, and loving. You are my best friend, and sometimes more like a mom, and I love you for that.

When I was broken up with on your porch and ever so suddenly homeless once more, you let me keep some of my stuff with you while I was in the hospital.

You offered me a place with you wherever you are if I ever need it, and that is the kindest, most beautiful thing someone has ever done for me. If I could compare you to a summer's day, I probably wouldn't. They're humid and gross and sticky, things we hate. Winter wouldn't work either, too cold and your heart is too kind and warm.

Maybe early Fall. We'll look back into it.

Thank you for being the Spock to my Kirk ('cause you make sense and I'm an emotional mess but we're both pretty smart), the Riza Hawkeye to my Roy Mustang without the weird ****** tension, and  the Fireheart to Graystripe because everyone knows you're the logical Fireheart and I'm the poor-decision making Graystripe. You are the Levy to my Lucy ('Cause Fairytail had to be mentioned).

Forever your adopted child,
Who needs glass when we have anime and cats?

Dear Ceremonial Suit of Armor that shines too bright to be real,

I could tell you I love you. I could tell you I didn't. Both would be lies. I do not love you. That does not mean I never did. There was a point in time, before February, where I did. When I got bad in January, the process of falling out of love had already begun, because I could not remain loving someone who treated me as less than trash behind closed doors. I had only ever offered my body up to you as a preventative measure, trying to convince myself otherwise. I had fooled myself, and maybe you. I hate myself for it.

And your cruelty has left me wounded in a new way, but rest assured I will heal. I understand that you were already falling for someone else when you broke up with me on my best friends porch. Please understand that I am not an idiot. Please understand that I know the game fairly well that you play. Please understand you are no better than me when it comes to mental health, and no better than your ex's before me when it comes to games.

I am scared to flinch. I am scared to take the steps to trust people. I am scared to reach out, to be honest entirely and wholly. I am scared of the words "I love you" as they fall from my mouth, because what if they are met with the same cruel glare and ice cold, empty touch. There are words, phrases, noises, even songs that set me off. Not like the one before you. No, they set me off in a way that makes me see all the parts of me I am a vividly aware are not perfect. It takes a lot of breathing and a lot of focus to calm me back down and bring me back (on my own, by the way) to Earth where I can see that I am not horrible. That those were volatile lies spread by you and your temper.

I know you spreading lies about my mental health. I have been told by many sources, I have much proof. I know you are spreading lies about how I spoke about others. I hope they know you are not much better than the toxicity you spread with your sharpened tongue.

I am bitter. I expected so much better from you, and instead I was left with regret. But your nature and being that has left me limping has also changed me for the better.

I see that I am good. I see that I am strong, and I will be okay.

I do not know about you, anymore.

Sincerely,
Glass Shattered

Dear Sakura,

You were my oldest and most consistent friend. Remember when I called you  toxic because I cut you out to prevent you from feeling pain when I tried to off myself, because I didn't want you at my funeral?

Remember when I got myself help so that wouldn't happen again and when I got out of the hospital you told me that I only care about myself so we can't be friends?

Part of me wants to tell you to take a nice long look in the mirror.

Part of me understands how you misunderstood what being suicidal does to a person. They cannot care about others as consistently as you need it while they're trying to find consistent hope to keep going.

And another part of me, the most influential part, understands it was necessary.

I cannot chase you, my old friend and my now nothing. I cannot chase someone who never intended on staying around.

I do not wish you harm, or ill will. I wish only the best for you, for your life. I hope you grow up quickly, we both need to. I do not think poorly of you. I am a little confused on your decisions, but I cannot bring myself to truly care. It would be harmful to my well being, and if you still cared, you'd be so proud.

We had a good run. End of freshmen year to this past May. We had a good run, I promise. Just know there had not been a person outside of my brothers and mom, until very recently, that I cared for more than I had ever cared for you.

I am glad you told me off after I got out of the hospital. It was my not wanting to hurt you again that lead me to get the help I needed. Though it stings to know you probably think poorly of me, I cannot let myself care. The closest thing I had to a sister, and the closest thing I had to someone that could understand without words (though I was wrong, you obviously needed some words from me to explain), is gone.

And rest assured, I am okay with this. We had a good run, as I said, but that was the last one. As much as I loved you and our friendship, I don't see any type of friendship for us in the future. Maybe the bad blood will go away. But I am okay without you, as I am sure you are without me.

Best wishes,
Glass Half Full

Dear My Never,

It can be summed up easily, I never loved you. Every part of us, of you torturing me and my pretending it was all okay and I was just so in love and everything is alright because teenage heartache is beautiful--

It was *******. I hated you. Every second. And then it became some sick type of Stockholm Syndrome, where I felt connected to the peer pressure and the safety of knowing if I was still "under your spell" I could still be allowed to breathe.

Five years. Technically 4.6 years. But still, math aside, I hate you. Five years I wasted my life because peer pressure and societal norms convinced me what you did was normal.

But the indifference I feel towards you rings stronger than anything else I've ever felt. There's just nothing, and sometimes fear of the actions. Strange, but true.

Signed,
Glass half empty.

"I prefer the term fracture over break because fractures tend to heal better. I also prefer flying over falling, because that way I'm by your side. I've always been one to believe that loving someone meant being with them made you more free to be you. You're just a better you with them.

"And I don't know what I believe anymore, honestly. I thought I finally got it right when healing from a fracture. That you can't hold out hope for the unknown, that no one is reliable, that people like me don't get closure and are generally damaged, and the crueler you are the better things go for you. I just don't have it in me to be that way, to be cruel. But here you are proving me wrong, just when I was losing hope on my dream of finding some type of way to click with someone. What a beautiful thing it is, wanting to live, wanting to love. What a beautiful thing it is, living, loving."

Tomorrow will be sixty three days.
Sixty three days
Of wanting to breathe as deeply as I could.
Of enjoying the feeling
Of the sun on my skin.
Of knowing I'm not horrible.

Tomorrow I will still have
Thirty seven days to go,
Until I get to one hundred.

And now I'm counting down the days,
Until I get to see you.
I only have to go three nights,
Two days,
Until I see you again.

I am so glad
That I made it.
I am so glad
I didn't break.
I am so glad
To enjoy the sound of music again.
I am so happy
To be alive.

Right now I'm crying,
Because it's a beautiful feeling,
Wanting to live
And being in love.

If I can make it passed
All the torment I've made it through,
To get to this,
With you at my side,
I know I can do anything.

Actions speak louder than words.
Let me show you my gratitude and humble pride
Until the day after forever.

Today the flashbacks hit me hard.
So hard I couldn't breathe.
So hard I got sick.
I don't remember what the trigger was,
It could have been a song
Or a poor turn of phrase.

Today I got home, and rewrapped my mother's wound.
Today I opened some mail for me,
All of which had to do with
An event I'm going to with my Bluebird
That I'm slowly getting more and more excited for
If not nervous.

I'm wearing the ring
Because it's makes me think of you,
Bluebird.
It's a little large.
A little extravagant,
But I can dress it down.

Today we discussed
You meeting me at my appointment on Friday.
And I'm excited.
I've gone from dread
To the excitement of seeing you
And the pain of going back to that town
Has turned into a wanting of the days to be shorter,
So we can be together sooner,
But instead I will be patient.
I will wait calmly and kindly
To fly with you.

All of the todays.
All of the tomorrows.
All of which will lead up to
My hands held in yours.

Close your eyes.
Put a hand over my heart,
Do you feel the missing part?
Help me take off and fly.

Can you hear the cry?
And I can't stand to be apart,
And this information I must impart
Upon you and I

That I must know
That the love I see is true.
Each day, every day, colors grow,
And so does my love for you,
And to and fro comes the glow
That is my heart's glance upon your eyes (and wings) so blue.

Hunger
Aches
In the bottom of my stomach,
And I'm cold sitting here
Under a fan
With a sweatshirt on
And shorts.
I could move,
But there aren't a lot of places
To be.

And I'm slightly dizzy
Because the hunger is stronger than I thought,
And wow at least I'm hungry,
But it's a different type than I remember.

Hunger isn't so bad,
No, it is not as bad as I remember
Sitting in the cold of winter
Wondering if maybe the next day
Will bring shelter and food.

And I think and close my eyes
And suddenly I'm still cold and hungry,
But it's not cold as in I have ice in my veins,
Rather a lack of heat
That being I crave heat,
And my hunger isn't exactly for food,
Rather for the growling to stop
And maybe hunger of the eyes is a thing,
Because I want to see your eyes light up
Which they do from time to time,
And I want to see you laugh and smile and hear your voice
And oh my God,
The anticipation is killing me
But it's a-okay
I promise,
Because I love having my hand held in yours
And I'd (im)patiently wait lifetimes
To feel our fingers interlock
If I had to.

Not to be a cliche, defined as
cli·ché:
A stereotype that is overused and displays a lack of thought,
But Bluebird,
If flying with you isn't where I'm supposed to be
Then I am so happy to be lost.

(I will hold you in my heart
And keep you warm there,
If you return the favor.)

Sh-shivering.

Shh,
Quiet.

Sh-shivering
Cl-clattering
Of te-teeth.

Shhh.
Quiet.

Sh-shivering
And cl-clattering
Of te-teeth
That sink into flesh
And I sh-shiver
Wanting your hands
To trace across mine.
And my te-teeth
Cl-clatter
Softly,
While I sh-shiver
When your hands trace across me.

And I'm so c-cold
But you seem to be
The thermodynamic equilibrium
I've needed
For a really long time.

Sh-shivering
Turns to
Elongated vowels (among other things),
And I'm not so cold,
Anymore.

And I want my hands
Held in yours,
And I want to be held,
By you,
And I want your lips
On my lips
My neck
My forehead
My back.
I want to feel your breath
In the crook of my neck.

I don't like
The physicality of it all,
I never have.
Take away what it means,
It's a little gross.

But lyrically speaking,
Elongating my vowels
And going back to my shivering form,
Is quite eloquently the best way to express
What I can't seem to say right.

Love isn't right enough. It doesn't feel like it's quite enough.

So I sit here,
Sh-shivering
Trying to think
Of the best way to tell you,
That beyond cl-clattering teeth,
And qui-quivering knees,
And sh-shaking words
That there's something more to this that makes me believe in something,
And I don't know how to show you
Or tell you
That flying with you is
The best decision I allowed myself to
Fall headfirst into.

So technically
You're four hundred miles,
Give or take forty three,
Away from me,
But the distance doesn't feel so large or wide,
When I think of your smile
Or your voice
Or the things you say
Or the way you laugh.

We share the same sky,
And as someone who believes in fate,
I believe in the phrase
"One sky,
"One destiny."

I remember looking up at the stars
From my window one night
And I guess I thought,
"If we're under the same sky,
We can't be that far away."

And as the sky clears up
And I close my eyes and try
I can still feel your fingers
Laced between mine.