One day I will have earned the right to be loved by you.

One day you will give me willingly what I need so badly from you.

One day I will look into your face and not see what a burden I have become to you.

But if one day never comes,
I hope that the person who is worthy of your love, makes you as happy as I always wanted to make you.

Course and corrupted,
Words escape us.
Broken silence,
Consumes our years.

I can’t find you.
The song is fading.
Courageous beauty
Protected tears.

Children crying,
Lonely dreams.
Understanding,
Helpless fear.

They grow up,
Without you watching.
They move on,
Without you here.

Abandoned hopes,
Issued orders.
Hopeless training,
Foolish prize.

We wait for you,
Always stable.
Unwavering duty,
Bitter lies.

Each moment perfect,
But never present.
Each measure met,
Yet memory lost.

And one day soon ,
When release becomes us,
I will show you
what this life has cost.


-KYMIE
13 NOV 2020

Unspoken words
stretched between phone lines;
Awkward pauses and silent tears.
No one is sure what’s wrong
Or how to fix it.
But we both feel the pain.

The miles are vines;
Strangling our voices.
Severing the connection between us;
That for so long relied on senses that are no longer available to us.

Time is a cancer;
Rotting our confidence;
And consuming the strength we’ve built together.

We are more polite;
Less informal.
Straining the tenuous foundation of our crumbling peace.

There was a time when your very breathe was a comfort to me.
I knew each beat of your heart
as if it were my own.
But we are strangers again.
I’m lost and alone,
Searching for you in a place I have never been before.
I’m unsure how to find you;
Or even if I’m looking for the same man I lost.

Stop pretending that you know what he’s going through.
Stop wanting to make him feel normal.
Stop trying to keep him sane.
Stop doing things to help.

You can’t.
He knows it.
You know it.
You are fighting a battle that doesn’t need to be fought.

Love the parts of him that you consider busted.
Accept the things that are not normal. Embrace the fact that a sane person could not do what he did and be what he is.
Do the things that make him happy and not the things that are helpful.

He deserves to be who he is without giving up what he has become.
Not everything that is broken needs to be fixed.
Sometimes it’s better to love the mess rather than clean it up.

08 NOV 2020

Which one is he?

He’s the one that asks for the table by the wall where he can see all the exits.

He’s the one who holds your hand slightly behind him and positions himself between you and the joggers in the park who might threaten your life.

He’s the one who holds his cigarette with the ember cupped in his hand - maintaining light discipline even standing outside the mall.

He’s the one that cleans his plate when you cook for him because he knows what it’s like to live on MREs and ibuprofen.

He’s the one with the smile that never reaches his eyes - the pain that never leaves his soul.

He’s the one that came back to you only in the physical form - who’s mind is still in the field with his brothers.

Don’t ask which one he is - because if you can’t tell - you will never know. The mark is in his flesh -  and in the eyes that see the ugly world the way it is, so you don’t have to.

I am a bird.
I soar through the sky and feel the sun on my face.
The clouds whisper to me as I weave in and out of their cottony labyrinth.
My family is all around me.
We sing to the sky the songs of our joy.
I sing loudest of all; for my happiness fills me up.
I am warm.
I am free.

Somewhere in the heavens, a star falls –
An act of God or a deliberate slight.
It rockets toward me and knocks me out of the sky.
It hurts and I fall.
Down, down, down I go.
I know I will stop soon and I will fly back up to my family.
But suddenly, without warning, I plunge into the deep blue sea.

“How did this happen?” I cry.
“This cannot be! What will I do?”
I cry again.
My family circles above.
“We are here for you!” they say.
“Pull yourself out!”
But they do not understand how much I hurt or how far I have fallen.

A wave comes and takes me under.
It is quieter here.
I know that if I stay here long I will perish.
A bird was not meant for the sea.

A fish comes by with his family.
“Why are you so sad, Bird? This is a wonderful place to live,” says he.
I say to him, “Fish, you were made for the water. You are free and happy with your family.
My family is above and I cannot sing; for the happiness has left my heart.”

“Then leave this place and rejoin your flock,” says he.
“It is a simple thing.”
This is not a simple thing, for my feathers are wet and my muscles are tired.
I am stuck down here and I have no way to get home.

As the days grow longer, I grow weaker.
It is so easy to shut out the world and live in my sadness.
I no longer hear my family calling to me to keep trying.
They do not understand.
I am so cold all the time.
I spend my days in a sleepy stupor;
Drifting away without concern –
Slipping away from myself and the world.

Then one day, a shark comes along.
“Why are you here, Bird? This is not your home.”

“I was knocked out of the sky,” I say bitterly.
“Leave me alone. I want to be by myself. I hate this world.”

The Shark thinks for a moment, then says,
“You must leave or I will eat you;
For I have traveled a long way and a bird will ease my hunger.”

I cannot leave.
I know this for a certainty.
So, I prepare myself to die.
I am not afraid. I am relieved.
I will no longer have to live in my suffering
And my family can move on above instead of waiting, in vain, for my return.
“I am ready to die,” I tell the shark.

He lunges towards me with his big, powerful jaws.
I close my eyes and try not to be afraid.
But just before his teeth come together –
Locking me forever to my fate—
I flee.

It is involuntary – unplanned.
Somewhere inside of me is a will to live, though.
I make my choice, there, in that moment.

I swim up.
It is hard.
I am weak and tired but I keep going.
I am pulled back down again, and again.
But, I keep pushing.

I break free of the surface
And see the sun, the clouds, and my family.
“Come on! You are almost there!”
It is still so hard.
My feathers are wet and my muscles are atrophied.
But now I can see what I am working for.
Finally, as my feathers dry and fluff out
And I am warmed by the bright rays of the sun,
It is the easiest thing in the world to live again.

I soar back to my family and they sing praises and thanks.
I sing too.
My throat is rough and sore from my long silence.
Each note I sing gets easier, though.
I say to my family,
“Why did you stay?
Why did you not fly on?”
They laugh and say,
“Silly, we will not leave you.
We know you are strong and do not want to die.
We just waited for you to know it too.”

I hear their words and know they are truth.
The strength was inside me the whole time.
I am strong.
I am able.
My heart fills with joy again and we continue our journey in the sun.
I am happier now than before for the sorrow I have known
And the strength I know to be mine.

The fire overwhelms you before you can defend yourself.
Each breath is fuel inhaled into your center and flowing out to the inferno.

It’s something small to anyone else-
To anyone who is whole.
But to you - broken and trapped behind a wall of trauma - it is all you can see.

You see she is hurting, but you can’t stop.
You can’t accept her love right now.
There is no room in this blaze.
So you lash out to keep her away.
You hurt her so she doesn’t burn up in your fury.

But she won’t go away.
She is making it worse.
How can she not see that you can’t be saved?
Why won’t she give up? Stop making you hurt her?

Can’t she see that you want to keep her behind your wall with you?
Doesn’t she know she will wither and die in the heat of your wrath?

But she won’t go away. She stays close. She’s crying from the pain as you explode and are engulfed by the flames. She cries out to you and takes your hand and you know this is agony for her. You try to push her off but she will not let go. You scream together as you burn up in the very force that makes you hate everything that you are.

As the embers die and the smoke wraps you in the remaining turmoil, you can’t bare to open your eyes and look at the destruction around you. You know you have lost her. And you know you have destroyed everything that matters to you.

You are stuck in your head until you feel her hand on your face. You breathe in her scent and try to imagine a world where you can have her - where you can keep such a creature close to you - to stand with you- to love you.

You open your eyes to find her looking at you. Waiting for you to accept her. You see that you are okay - that you are still here and so is she. And you find yourself not asking why she is still by your side, but wondering how you ever survived without her?

Kymie

4 NOV 2020

The living sanctuary.
A corporeal embodiment of love.
Hope for the sinner
Safety for the fearful.

A place to keep and surround
Loving arms
Little footsteps
Sunday breakfasts
Kisses in the laundry room
Showers before bed

Protect this fortress of treasures
Each one different
Unique to the maker
For the den is dangerous
but not to the lion.

31 OCT 2020

Kymie

Brothers by bloodshed.
Family in truth.
With chains forged of trauma and war,
the knowledge of pain binds us in our loyalty.

Buried scars left unseen
Covered by smiles woven by unhealed wounds and broken souls.
Hollowed by the duty that compels us to hide,
We seek solitude when we should seek friendship -
because our training has molded sacrifice into our very flesh.

As we consider the wisdom to fight
and conjure the courage to keep breathing,
Your peace is our only consolation.
Our memories of you become our armor -
shielding us from the demons that brought you to your knees.

We wage this never ending war as one.
We stand with you knowing
That you did not lose this battle.
We fight on in your name
because, broken or not,
Our brothers never fight alone.

- Kymie
28 OCT 2020

Forged in a fire of brotherhood and violence;
Branded and tempered,
you are  called to service.

You step to the front;
relinquishing your home
and dawning the armor of duty and honor.

You feel your heart beat and you know that the tempo does not belong to you.
Your very breath contracted to the country to which you offer your allegiance and life.
Who casts you forth to a world that neither knows or cares who you are.

Who will remember you when this is done?
Who will know what happened here?
You are a piece of a whole;
Parts welded together by the hell that burned you up together and molded soldiers out of the ashes.

And as you kneel before the field of battle;
You take courage in the boots beside you.
You pray because you know that the ultimate sacrifice is not always made by the soldiers who die.

19 OCT 2020

Kymie

I’ll forever remember your hands
as they slide along the smooth metal.
Like an extension of a part of you
that you have touched a million times.
A directed movement without intention;
But filled with intensity.

Your stance conveys a confidence
that is absent in the life you inhabit.
You pretend to be human
until you step into this sanctuary.

This church where you worship is one of
bullets and defiance.
I close my eyes and I can smell the
gunpowder and sin that is uniquely you.
The commandments of this God
are etched on your mind.
Procedure drips from your skin like sweat.
You bleed accuracy and precision.

As you breath in the sites
I can see that you have settled.
Your universe has narrowed to
the target in front of you.
Five feet or a thousand
There is no difference.
The round is a slave to your movements
Your very will dictates his beginning and end.

When your finger squeezes the trigger
I know I have lost you.
The recoil is a natural motion;
Compensated for at birth and dismissed;
like breath expelling from your lungs.

I find that I am jealous of the trust you
have put in the round that has just left you.
You know where it is going;
And you show no surprise when it
follows your instructions exactly.

How could I ever understand you
the way this object does?
Inanimate to me;
But essential to you.
She is the wife;
And I the mistress.
For I may yet learn your mind;
But I can never inhabit your soul.

14OCT2029

In a world where love is currency, be the philanthropist. Be the benefactor that everyone needs. Give away all of it. You can’t take it with you and there is no way that love can cause harm. There is no misuse or corruption possible. So give it away. Even if you never get any back, give it away. Because it’s better to die unloved, than to die having not loved. And maybe you can save someone from leaving this world feeling like they didn’t matter.

KAL - 10 OCT 2020

Kiss away the tears he made.
Let me break the chains that bind you to the loneliness she has forced upon you.

Place my hand on your pulse so that I can feel that it is I who caused it to quicken.
Slide your hand between my thighs and feel the slick evidence of my need for you. Listen to me beg for you to end my suffering.

Tighten your grip on me as you push the length of the hardness that she rejected into the warm tight cavern that I have opened to you. Hear my cries of relief and pleasure as you fill the void that he created in my body and soul.

Pull me closer as my hips rock to the rhythm of our sin. Race with me to the cliff of our eternal damnation. Faster and faster, we are running from our conscience. Don’t slow down, or we will never make the end. Swallow my screams as the waves overtake us.

Hold my hand as we fly over the edge knowing that we saved each other again.

Raven hair, and eyes of fire;
The broken mirror lies.
Mouths of sin make desperate men;
Yet still my spirit dies.

Open thighs and begging tongues
keep warm both hearts and beds.
But when it’s done, the soul has none;
The promised love is dead.

So hold me close and tell me false;
Let no truths be said.
Pain is real; the amnesia fills
the emptiness instead.

20JAN2020

Sometimes I wish you would hit me.
It would hurt less.
And I wouldn’t have to hide behind this smile;
I could cry and scream
And no one would disapprove.

But instead I stand behind my mask
And hold myself together through my pain.
I wait for the day when you will see
The bruises and the blood that are invisible to everyone but me.

17DEC2019

I wander through the dark mist of a place that no one else can see.
Each breath I take is my own; a tonic to the poison that is reality.
I shut off my ears and drift in the waters of my sadness.
The ache in my heart is the sextant that guides my journey.
This is a map of loneliness and I am the cartographer; forever designing worlds that no one else can enter;
Yet each night I cry myself to sleep wishing that someone would break through the veil that imprisons me here.

05DEC2019

I stand before you
Forgotten and unwanted.
In the shadow of your ego
I beg for a moment of consideration.

I breathe in
Offering you my heart.
My arms are open
Offering you my body.
My eyes are closed
Submitting my soul to you.

But you turn away.
I have nothing left to offer you.
The abundance I once represented
Has been used up.

I have no value left
Beyond what is here in front of you.
And so you walk on by
To find someone new
While I crumble into your past
Like so much dust being swept away.

21NOV2019

The mirror holds my memories. I scan my body and relive the beauty.

I see the evidence of your mouth on my skin;
I remember the sharp sting of your teeth on my *******;
The ache as your large hands squeezed my ******* until I arched up into your palms.

The bite mark on my inner thigh reminds me of how my screams sound over the hungry noises you make when your mouth devours my center.

The bruises on my hips are a record of the moment when my ride became too much and  the spasms of my ****** pulled you over the edge.

The soreness of my muscles are a testament to the fact that once will never be enough.

You leave your mark - a branding of ownership for all to see. I bask in the glow of being yours and wonder how long you will keep me this time; wonder how long before you throw me away again for something better.

03NOV2019

It grows inside my soul
Like a cancer that never sleeps.
It festers like a wound
Filled with infection and rot.

Each day that I live with myself
I wonder why it has not eaten me alive.
The pain makes me dizzy with grief.
But the idea that others might see it is even worse.

Some things are not meant to heal.
Some things are meant to take your life slowly.
A painful reminder that you don’t deserve a peaceful death any more than you deserved a peaceful life.

2NOV2019

Consider the darkness in full measure -
Impenetrable and suffocating;
Both protection and prison.

Wrap it around you
And feel the pressure of your fear;
the familiar peace of the terror.

Swallow your screams
Before they break the night air.
Close your eyes
And breathe in the disorientation.

Accept that this is where you live
in the small hours of the night;
Know that there is no escape
from these monsters that live inside you.

01NOV2019

In this position of service, you have relinquished all the power to me. As your most precious of vulnerabilities disappears into the warm cavern of my mouth, I hear the breath leave your body in a rush of pleasure.

Do you trust me? I think you must.

The taste of you is intoxicating and a hungry noise builds in my throat. As my tongue explores the ridges that intrigue me so, I feel you fidget with need - frustration. I want to ease your body the way you ease my heart.

You slide your fingers into my hair and pull me in.

The rhythm begins -
as old a the souls that first made them -
each stroke is natural but still new.

Time is no factor -
for hours or seconds
we are one in our mind and purpose.

You begin to move with me; anticipating the dance my mouth is leading.

Faster and faster -

a race to ecstasy.

Forward and back

In and out

Back and forth

Short and long

Slow and quick

I know it’s close. My eyes are watering with the pain of your fingers in my hair and my own need to feel the end.

The cliff is here and your movements falter. You cry out my name as I feel you swell in my mouth.   I pull you closer as your hot essence floods my throat. Your hand moves down to my neck where I know you can feel me swallow the love you give to no one but me.

It is everything. My heart beats in my ears, drowning out my muffled moans.

We float down together - dizzy with joy.

I lay my head on your thigh as you stroke my hair - breathing hard from the rush. Here, in this moment, is where I want to stay forever. Now and always, I am only yours.

29OCT2019

Each breath of solitude is an escape from the chaos that is you. Each moment in your presence is like being stuck on the edge of the tide as wave after wave hits me from all directions; battering my body and my spirit.

Your constant demands on my time - my emotions and empathy - exhaust my will and my motivation. I long for the harbor of peace, in the storm that is you.

Yet each time you call out for me; I race willingly to your side. I give you my everything knowing that you will take it without remorse or thankfulness in your heart.

I give you my love in the hope that one day someone on this earth will think me worthy of the same.

29OCT2019

Broken souls make broken skin - a visual confirmation that the pain inside is real.

The sting of the blade dulls the ache of the tears - matching the outside to the inside - a comfort to sanity in a time of tenuous stability.

It’s not about dying. It’s about peace. It’s about remembering the storm you survived and knowing you are strong enough to do it again.

I fell in love with your shadows - the pain dripping from your voice.

My darkness calls out to yours - matching scars of trauma long entombed.

I yearn to hold you when you cry out at night. I wake from my nightmares and look for your face.

I have searched my whole life for the understanding I see when you look at me.

Is it justice, then, that I can never be yours?

25OCT2019

I lie beneath the tides and pray for the waves to wash me away. But they do not.

I’m stuck - anchored to the sand by the weight of my sins. My responsibilities are my penance.

I call out for help in my misery but no one can hear. My tears are dissolved; insignificant in the sea of saltwater all around me.

Here is where I will wait- a prison of my own design- the bars forged of loneliness and sorrow; guilt and debt - yearning for the day when you will pull me out to the blissful peace of the deep.

23OCT2019