Sometimes I wish you would hit me.
It would hurt less.
And I wouldn’t have to hide behind this smile;
I could cry and scream
And no one would disapprove.
But instead I stand behind my mask
And hold myself together through my pain.
I wait for the day when you will see
The bruises and the blood that are invisible to everyone but me.
I wander through the dark mist of a place that no one else can see.
Each breath I take is my own; a tonic to the poison that is reality.
I shut off my ears and drift in the waters of my sadness.
The ache in my heart is the sextant that guides my journey.
This is a map of loneliness and I am the cartographer; forever designing worlds that no one else can enter;
Yet each night I cry myself to sleep wishing that someone would break through the veil that imprisons me here.
I stand before you
Forgotten and unwanted.
In the shadow of your ego
I beg for a moment of consideration.
I breathe in
Offering you my heart.
My arms are open
Offering you my body.
My eyes are closed
Submitting my soul to you.
But you turn away.
I have nothing left to offer you.
The abundance I once represented
Has been used up.
I have no value left
Beyond what is here in front of you.
And so you walk on by
To find someone new
While I crumble into your past
Like so much dust being swept away.
The mirror holds my memories. I scan my body and relive the beauty.
I see the evidence of your mouth on my skin;
I remember the sharp sting of your teeth on my *******;
The ache as your large hands squeezed my ******* until I arched up into your palms.
The bite mark on my inner thigh reminds me of how my screams sound over the hungry noises you make when your mouth devours my center.
The bruises on my hips are a record of the moment when my ride became too much and the spasms of my ****** pulled you over the edge.
The soreness of my muscles are a testament to the fact that once will never be enough.
You leave your mark - a branding of ownership for all to see. I bask in the glow of being yours and wonder how long you will keep me this time; wonder how long before you throw me away again for something better.
It grows inside my soul
Like a cancer that never sleeps.
It festers like a wound
Filled with infection and rot.
Each day that I live with myself
I wonder why it has not eaten me alive.
The pain makes me dizzy with grief.
But the idea that others might see it is even worse.
Some things are not meant to heal.
Some things are meant to take your life slowly.
A painful reminder that you don’t deserve a peaceful death any more than you deserved a peaceful life.
Consider the darkness in full measure -
Impenetrable and suffocating;
Both protection and prison.
Wrap it around you
And feel the pressure of your fear;
the familiar peace of the terror.
Swallow your screams
Before they break the night air.
Close your eyes
And breathe in the disorientation.
Accept that this is where you live
in the small hours of the night;
Know that there is no escape
from these monsters that live inside you.
In this position of service, you have relinquished all the power to me. As your most precious of vulnerabilities disappears into the warm cavern of my mouth, I hear the breath leave your body in a rush of pleasure.
Do you trust me? I think you must.
The taste of you is intoxicating and a hungry noise builds in my throat. As my tongue explores the ridges that intrigue me so, I feel you fidget with need - frustration. I want to ease your body the way you ease my heart.
You slide your fingers into my hair and pull me in.
The rhythm begins -
as old a the souls that first made them -
each stroke is natural but still new.
Time is no factor -
for hours or seconds
we are one in our mind and purpose.
You begin to move with me; anticipating the dance my mouth is leading.
Faster and faster -
a race to ecstasy.
Forward and back
In and out
Back and forth
Short and long
Slow and quick
I know it’s close. My eyes are watering with the pain of your fingers in my hair and my own need to feel the end.
The cliff is here and your movements falter. You cry out my name as I feel you swell in my mouth. I pull you closer as your hot essence floods my throat. Your hand moves down to my neck where I know you can feel me swallow the love you give to no one but me.
It is everything. My heart beats in my ears, drowning out my muffled moans.
We float down together - dizzy with joy.
I lay my head on your thigh as you stroke my hair - breathing hard from the rush. Here, in this moment, is where I want to stay forever. Now and always, I am only yours.