in the mirror*
I loved you alone
I missed you before
I want you calm
I drown you discreetly
I loathe you endlessly
I need you first
I remember you greatly
I see you hiding
I call you indignity
I cuss you justly
I think you kidding
I have you lone
I forgive you momentarily
I wish you nothing
I hate you openly
I bind you permanently
I doubt you quickly
I trust you recklessly
I hurt you spitefully
I know you too
I find you useless
I leave you voiceless
I declare you worthless
I vote you XL
I give you yourself
I will you zealous
I always see you number 2

Its funny
how we make fun of everything.
the homeless guy down the street,
that odd kid in English class,
that random person that walks by,
clothing we see in the store window,
our friends,
our family,
ourselves.

Ain't it funny
how we poke fun at people
without truly understanding them.
never understanding how
even the dumbest joke
can hurt.

Ain't it funny?
yes
yes it is
until laughter
turns to tears

My eyes itch,
My throat burns
The coffee in the pots burnt
And my mugs cold

The TV's on in the backroom,
Someone's been skinned-
Stripped of all fleash-
Screaming,
Screaming,
Silence.

My computer screen stares back at me
And my eyes water at the light.
They try to close

My heart beats
Ba boom
Ba Boom
BA BOOM
Each thump hurts more and more

Typing, typing, typing

I love you

My mouth turns upright
And I feel my heart settle a bit

I love you too

Night

Night

Nicotine and coffee

I wiggle and scream
Much like the TV did
Only to wake to lonely silence

Shower and reheat the dark muddy drink
One quick cigarette
And

**Good morning my love,
       I've missed you.

Oh god,
tell me,
if thou is truly real,
is love just another internal hell?

oh devil,
tell me,
if thou is also indeed real,
is love just another paradisiacal reel

I love you
And good bye hurts
But I'm just hurting you
I'm dragging you down.
You say you'll die
Without me.
But I know that's a lie
I'm not that important
You'll forget me soon
And move on with your own life
Your better off
Believe it or not

I couldn't keep myself away
couldn't keep myself from kissing you
your arm draped over me
just made my mind go numb
couldn't think about anything
but your heart beat
your breathing
how warm and inviting your mouth would be
if I kissed you again
couldn't think
couldn't tell myself no
I just leaned over
and started kissing you
realized what I was doing
but still couldn't stop
because your kiss was what I needed
your lips over mine
the way your tongue slipped perfectly in-between my teeth
how you put so much into a single touch of lips
and I couldn't pull away

Hello Darkness,
I'm here again.
I left the light
For you.
For while the light is fleeting
You are forever lasting.
Always a reminder
that it is forbidden
To love
For who I love
I will hurt.
I've got nothing left to give.
Please fill my cracks and holes
With your loneliness
And bitterness
Speaker of my soul
And Whisperings of self hatred
Surround me with the voices
And remain with me
Like no one can.

Dear child
I'm sorry
Sorry for downing smokes
While you depended on me for life
Sorry for drinking the little I did
While you needed me
Sorry for anything I did to lose you
Before i knew you existed

I'm sorry for all the things I did wrong
That may have made me lose you

I don't know what you were going to be
Son
Daughter
But I knew
No
I know one thing
Even though your gone
Your still my baby

I'm sorry you never got a proper name
Only shartbait
But I love you just the same.

I remember when I first saw you
Unfortunately you never saw me
You looked off too me
But I still loved you the same

Im sorry you didn't get a proper send off.
I didn't know what to do with you
You didn't even have legs
I wish I'd done more then flush you.
I regret it everyday.
But just know I still love you
And I still cry some days for you.

I hope wherever you are
You can forgive me.
Cuz I'll always love you.

It was only 2 short months
But I'll always love you

Regretfully
Your mother

hey
i miss writing to you
i miss trusting you with everything
i know its not your fault you gave my secrets away
but is happened and i can't trust you anymore,
my dear friend
you've been there forever
but no more
looks like the walls staying up
don't worry your worn spine about me
i'll be okay
and you can rest in peace
i have your ashes hidden well
i know burning you was overkill
but i had to
remember forever though
that for years on end you were my one and only friend
and i love you
dear diary

love,
me

today my mother told me i had a ****** outlook on life,
and maybe,
she's right.

i believe that we all die
each and every one of us
nothing matters
we all go at some point

she says i once had dreams and goals
i responded with
yes
but
is it worth the stress?
i could be just as happy leading a simple life
with the man i love
maybe some kids
and pets
and even knowing that its all in my head
i could be happy

or i could spend hours worrying bout homework
staying up late
till i graduate
only to do it all over in a collage
and put myself up to my neck in student loans
who'd want that?
maybe you
maybe my mother
but not me

I'd rather watch my shows
laugh with my friends
drink with friends who are now as family
have a cigarette as i watch my smoke fade in the star light
**** my man till we pass out

of course i only ask my mother
if it's worth the stress

i can't tell her why
not now anyways
for she stills sees me an ignorant child
who thinks she knows all

but in reality
its quite the oppose
i know nothing
nothing of what tomorrow will bring
i rather live my life
today
then die fearing it
then die fearing a supreme power
then die feeling i didn't fulfill my goals
no
hell no
i rather die with both my middle fingers in the air
a bottle of whiskey on my side
a smoke in my right hand
and a joint in my left
my favorite show playing on the TV.
friends laughing around me
my love by my side
and children and pets playing
without a care in the freaking world

so mother
you can think
my outlook on life's ******
you can call me a child

but really
if nothing matters
and nobody belongs anywhere
then we can do whatever we want
and be truly free

so dear mother
stop stressing
just for today
and come watch tv

I'm tired of being the
                               loudest
when I suffer in
                      silence.
I'm tired of being the
                             happiest
when I fail the
                                                 hardest
I'm tired of smiling the
                                   biggest
when I shed the
                       largest
tears

I'm tired of laughing the
                                        most
when I whimper
                                                       alone
I'm tired of being the
                                         loveable one
when I'm the one
                       casted aside

I'M TIRED
of being a doormat
of holding everything in
of Forgiving
of hurting
of APOLOGIZING
of hating  myself for caring

I'M TIRED
of acting like everything's okay
of not being able to trust  anyone

I'm so tired
but I know I'll never stop
being the doormat
for the world

monsters hide in every shadow
at least thats what they say
but what about the demons that lurk inside
are you sure their evil?

is the murderer truly horrible
for the death she's caused
or is there something else amiss
something that eats his humanity
leaving no mercy?
something that grips at her heart
till its broken inside her breast?
something that told them
that watching and causing death was beautiful
and  "beauty is in the eye of the beholder"

they may find the glazed eyes,
the broken wings of a raven beautiful
but then again they killed
is it truly wrong?
or just a mess of gray?

Why did I push you away?
I didn't know
it would case me
so much pain
I don't wanna say
I want you back
cuz how horrible would I be
to tell you I love you
after I pushed you away
I think you were right in saying
I'm scared of love
maybe because it's hurt me
my soul
my being
I'm afraid that one day
you'll hate me
so I decided to cut ties
I try not to fall
so to avoid the struggle of standing back up

I miss you through
but I won't let myself tell you
why?
because I'm a stubborn fool
so stubborn
I hate people seeing me
my pain
my tears
me.
but I'm scared of losing you completely
so that's why
right now
I'm staring at you
so intensely
looking for even a hint of longing
for a hint that you've noticed
that I'm fighting myself
over you

**** love
**** life
**** friends
**** happy
**** sunshine and daisies
**** people
**** poetry
**** caring
**** trying
it all just screws you over in the end

Your better off without me
I'll just ruin you.
So I'm letting you go
It may hurt for awhile
But this good bye
Is for the best.
I hope you find happiness.

My friends,
when you die,
go to hell,
I'll meet you there
and welcome you home.
For we belong down here.
We curse and we yell
And we howl all night.
Tis always night here
With bonfires
and such huge flames
In camps of the sinners
Here we're all winning
Oh it's never boring here
We drink
We rob
We love
We hate
Discord is our favorite thing

A lot like a firery prison
We will punish those we see fit
Not all who don't fit gods approval list
Beware our anger

When you die
My friends
Go to hell
And I welcome you there.

Ive never saw the world as more then black and grey Maybe I Never will
What's important is that
Im
still
Here
I'm still here
I don't know Why Nor how 
But I am and 
its for you that I will Fight 
Yes 
I will Fight to stay 
When I once fought to leave 
I would never force Upon you 
the dull view 
that shall always plage My eyes 
instead I hope to fill yours
with Color 
Love 
and Maybe most of all 
Understanding 
in a Universe of so Little 
I hope to help You find Grace even if I,
Myself,
shall never see her Shining face.
I'll lay you down at her ivory white Lace,
before the goddess
and
I will Plead 
and 
I will hope
she take pity
for even Grace,
herself,
is Blind.

Don't tell me you know what happened.
Don't tell me you believe her lies.
Her *******.
You tell me I'm wrong to hate her
But your wrong
You don't know what she did to us
You don't understand
And I'll keep warning you
Because once I was like you
I believed her lies
I hope to God
You never find out the truth
The way I did
But maybe if you did
You'd finally see
What I've seen,
What I see

I'm useless
I'm ugly
But he still loves me.

I hurt him
Because of my own insecurities
But he still loves me.

I'm fat
Have many flaws
But he still loves me.

I'm broken
Been hurt a lot
But he still loves me.

I'm tired
Of pretty much everything
But he still loves me.

I've given up
On many things
But he won't give up on me

He still loves me

When I say
Stupid things
He still loves me

When I act a fool
He still loves me

When I'm being a dork
He still loves me

When I cry
For small things
He still loves me

When I sing
Way off key
He still tells me
It's beautiful

He still loves me

He still loves me

And I will always love him.

An empty promise
flouts on the breeze
stopping time to time
to remember the soft lips of who it left
to, one day, bring forth toxic tears

childish tears
over a lie, they had to tell
broken for your best
sick and tired of throwing your heart in the dark

a chance to end the hurt
a chance to end the acid tears that burn as they fall
a loaded gun
a shotgun blast
for a single second of light

a chance to say goodbye
a chance to walk away
- from the dark
a chance to put your heart down
a chance to blind your eyes,
so that you need never
read the book of pain again

but something breaks that thought
something makes you realize dying today
isn't the way
a shot won't do good
that bit of light's cost is too great

so you think
I'll stay here a bit longer
I'll dance in this dark abyss
broken and alone,
invisible to the world
and do the best I can
for as long as I can

and you'll always wonder
what was it?
what was it that made you stay?
what made you put that gun down?
Because Hope seems like too small a word.

Men are monsters
Women are liars
boys are cheats
girls are pathetic
teens somewhere between
humans
There is no hope
we're all filled with evil and sin

I come to tell you
I've seen
a thousand morrows
a thousand humming bird dead
upon my front porch
a thousand numbers crying
divided
a thousand pieces of hair
cut away
a thousand lovers pulled away
never reunited
a thousand weddings bringing joy
as well as pain

I come to tell you
I've heard
a thousand heartbeats
a thousand sighs
quick intakes of breath
a thousand breaking plates
hit the floor
a thousand wolfs howling in pain
the alpha, I think, was shot
a thousand drops hitting the floor
tears of salt
a thousand footsteps creeping
across a thousand nails
a thousand screams
on ripping wind

I come to tell you
I've touched
a thousand faces
a thousand falls
painful as it was
a thousand blankets holding back
fears
a thousand sun rays
warming me
a thousand cold winds
never stopping
a thousand furs of animals
gone dead away
a thousand rushing gallons of water
colder than ice

I come to tell you
I've tasted
a thousand sweet strawberries
a thousand sweet kisses
sweeter than sugar
a thousand sour flavors
hit my taste buds
a thousand stakes of cows long past
I taste salt
a thousand tears
hidden
a thousand cheeses
cut into a thousand pieces
a thousand screams of animals eaten

I come to tell you
I've seen
I've heard
I've touched
I've tasted
therefore I am human

I fought for you.
I've protected you.
I've encouraged you.
I've been there for you.
I've argued for you.
I've gotten hurt for you.
I've done things I'm not proud of

For you.

And I didn't want anything in return.
I didn’t want you to hurt for me.
To fight. To suffer.
I didn’t expect anything.
But I sure as hell didn’t think
You'd hurt me like this.

i just wanna go home.
i hate this place.
and i don't like these people.

i miss the people i love
i miss being treated like a human
i miss him
i miss his smell
his voice
him

i hate the way this place looks
the trees  are too tall
the grass too green

i miss home
the cactus
the dust
the brown grass
the tiny trees

i hate how seagulls sound
and miss crows
and sparrows

i hate this cramped apartment
i hate being trapped
i hate the way i can't escape
i hate the fact
i have another year
i didn't expect

i miss knowing i'd be out soon
i miss knowing she trusted me
i miss her being proud of me
or at least faking it

i despise the very air it's self
smelling the way it does
it doesn't smell right

i hate it here

i just wanna go home

I'm surprised











my eyes haven't ran dry.







I'm surprised




I still have tears to cry.

I never knew
how beautiful the moonlight was
till I saw it reflected through your marble eyes

I never knew
how brightly the stars shine
till I saw them in red

I never knew
how lovely the dark was
till your hand went cold

I never knew
how lonely a blue moon felt
till your lips turned gray

I never knew
how glorious an owls hoot was
till it came weak and feeble from your mouth

I never knew
how much I needed you
my protector
my friend
my bully
my voice
my strength
till your wings fell still in blood soaked palms

insults you throw


Why do you always insult me?
never anyone else?
I want to cry every time
your my family
your a adult
a parent
airhead
blonde
stupid
you don't even know what your doing
neither do the others
but it still hurts

it's not just you anymore
it now bonces around inside my head
beating me down
it's all in good fun
I know but it still hurts

I promise not to cry
I promise not to let you see me sad
I promise to be the strong one, always
I promise to take the blame
- without complaint
I promise to be there holding you
I promise to pat your back
I promise to be the shoulder you can cry on
I promise to not let you see a single teardrop
I promise to hold it in
I promise to force it down
I promise to lie and say I'm ok
I promise to miss you
I promise to sing to you
I promise to pretend every things ok
when my hearts broken inside my breast
when I wanna cry:
I promise not to cry

last night
i came home late
to my mother yelling

i tried to reason
to no avail
she didn't believe any of my words

her hand on my arm
her voice high and loud
she tried to push me inside
she wouldn't listen

tired and angry
i walked away
she followed

then i ran
and ran
and ran
and ran

till i could no longer hear the flopping
of her shoes
behind me.

i had to return later
but the feeling of that run
of disobeying
of my heart beating fast
of my small lasted freedom
is still in my mind
causing me
to want to run once more
and never stop
till i'm so far away
even her in her sliver car
can't find me

i want to run
and run
and run
and run
and i don't wanna ever stop

She said
its nighttime
he told her
that's what I meant
may I have it?
what for?
I'd like to hang it up on my wall
he looked at her in amazement.
*I was hoping you'd share it with me

i will
he assured her
I'd hate to see you hurt
nothing ever hurts me
he told her
believe me*
I believe you*
she did too.
she believed him

To free you from all the pain
I would stand, all day,
In the freezing ice-cold rain.

This morning i woke up to
My sister's alarm
6:30

I turned it off so fast
She didn't hear​ it.

I layed awake till 7
Just thinking about how
Fat I am
How useless I am
How cold the room is
Day dreaming about a TV show
Trying to distract myself
From the toxic thoughts
Spinning in my brain.

My alarm rings
And I jump out of bed.
I tell my sister that she slept in.
She's pissy.
Telling me to wake my littlest sister
Cuz she can't
Because she screams her awake.
Because she treats her like ****.
And my 8 year old sister replys
With a temper.

Who can blame her?
Having a huge 15 year old wake you
By screaming in your ear
To hurry the **** up.
Isn't cause for a calm rise.

In her room,
She sleeps like a little angel
You'd never guess
That her mouth is worse then our mothers
I crawl in beside her
Wishing I could just let her sleep.

I slowly shake her awake.
She's angry I ate ice cream without her.
"Finish your dinner next time"
I tell her
Before leaving to go to the restroom.

Shoving my fingers down my throat.
The least favorite part of my day.
But you grow used
To the burning and the choking.
I've dropped a lot this way.

Wiping my mouth
I think back
To when I first got to Portland.

My step dad hadn't seen me
In a little under a year.
Without him making me feel worthless
And the man I love telling me
That I'm beautiful
I had forgotten how ugly
How fat I truly am
Till we arrived at his garage
And he whispered
Laughing to my mother
"She got Chunky"
My mom laughing too.
I covered my fat,
Ugly
Stupid stomach
With my jacket.

I look into the mirror
I rased my shirt.
I lost a bit.
But I'm still fat.
I'm still ugly.

I feel too broken to cry.

I clean myself up

In the kitchen
I find the coffee has been on all night
Black burnt stuff covers the bottom.
So ugly
Gross

I start my coffee.
Just enough for a cup
And a travel mug for my friend and myself.
The more I drink
The more I'll ****
The more I can become somewhat better.
Skinnyer

I leave it to brew.
And get dressed.
All my jeans are *****.
My sister yells at me
For not washing them
I tell her
"I forgot"
She seems unconvenceed.
"Also I don't care."
That's a lie
I do.
I just didn't wanna get up.

Instead of jeans I wear black dress pants
And a black shirt.
I look plain.
I grab my cat ears.
They make me feel good.

My sister is wearing my shirt.
I tell her to leave it alone.
I don't want it to smell or feel like her.
She scares me.
She couldn't win a fight against me I know.
But something
Something about her
Makes me uneasy.

I feel guilty to think this
About the girl who lived in
The same womb I did.

I shake the thought.

She's yelling at the 8 year old.
Their gonna be late.
I watch them leave.
Hearing her yell all down the street.
Worried that maybe
Stuff happens on the way.

The dogs been following me
All around the house waiting for me
To take him to ***.
I take him and watch
As he runs down the stairs.

He ****** on a lawn.

I'm late.

I grab my coffee and drink a cup
In under a minute.
I hope this makes me lose my fat.
I grab my bag.
It's heavy
But not as heavy as my thoughts.

Ugly *****.

I need a smoke.

Oh ****. My bus passes me.

I run.
Aware of my bouncing stomach.
My ugly face.

I make it and smile at the driver.
Flashing her my school ID.
Covering my picture.
With my ugly face.

I don't find a cigarette anywhere before my train pulls up.
On the train.
I tell my mother I'm going to work force after school.
She says ok.

I need to get a job if I wanna go home.
I think about my man
And how I need this money
To get back to him
To get back to a happy place.

Or at least to gets some ******* ****.

I don't wanna think.
So I open my book.
An old friend.
"The Angel's command"

I read till I get to my spot.
Laughing at a joke.
I close it and turn on acdc.
Got no headphones
But the music makes me forget
How much I don't deserve him
For a bit.

I'm only a few minutes late.
A rare thing for me.
I normally miss half of class
And come in ******.

My Friend isn't here.
My other friend has no ****.
My English teacher talks about the play
Fences.
It was werid to hear these people talking
Like me.
As they read.
Though I'd been told
That I can't talk that way cuz I'm white.

My second class.
Current events.
I listen to stories of human stupidity

And I write this poem.

While I'm sober.

I hope at lunch
Someone has something to make me forget
About how useless I am.
About everything.

And at my third period
I hope my teacher
Doesn't make another joke
About my home.


And when I go to work force
I hope I find a job.

And when I go home.
I hope I ***** myself small.
I hope my sister isn't home.
I hope my mom's in a good mood.
I hope my ex step dad calls.
I hope my mom's boyfriend cooks dinner
Just so I can eat a lil and lose it right after.
I hope my shower doesn't end in crying.
I hope I add another chapter to my fan fic.
I hope my man calls and tells me he loves me.
I hope that I sleep without crying.
I hope that I don't see myself in the mirror.

It's gonna be a long day.

Watch the leafs blow across the ground
Around in circles they go
One falls out
And I feel bad for it
Then the wind pushes back
Lucky little thing
And then I see the one waiting
for a wind that'll never come
Poor litte thing
All alone
just like me

Let me paint a picture for you
No I can not move a brush
As beautiful as others
In fact if I try
You'd laugh

So instead
Let me paint one for you
With the only tool I can use
A little well

Walk with me
In my gallery
Words on the wall

Looks boring I know
But look closer you'll see
What each one is
And how it relates to me

The first stop
A rose
Or something else?
I can't tell
And neither can you
The petals are gone
What it was before
Has been long forgotten
Worn by time
But there's still beauty if you dare to search

Stop 2
Ah I remember this one fondly
A ship at sea
A brave and loyal crew
The sea
She's untameable
But they still try
See the sweat upon their brows?
See them struggle to keep
Their worn ship afloat
Ah to live such a life.
Of adventure and daring

Stop 3
You go on and look
I'll stay back here
For I remember this one
In my worse of nightmares.
This ones a story look close
See the shadows?
Above that sleeping girl?
Each one is a nightmare she will endure
She looks innocent
And she is for now
Now my friend
Back to the shadows
Do you see?
Each like constellations on the wall
A woman flying through the air
A car with a woman holding to the window
That girl hiding in the bend of the wall
If you look close you can see her fear

Last stop for today
I call this one
The brightest day
Its simple.
A girl and a boy.
With their entire future ahead
I only hope that this one
Isn't just an illusion
I've made.

Don't cut again
Just pick at your skin
Sit on an anthill
Rub you hand over badly cut wood
***** your finger while sewing
Scratch your arms and legs till they bleed
Lie and say
"It was an accident."

Don't cry again
BANG your head in to the wall
Smile when your dying
Dig your fingernails into your shoulders
Bit your lip
And when they ask
"Are you okay"
Lie and say
"I'm okay"

Don't get angry again
Just nod
Smile
Agree
Obey
Lie and say
"I'm not angry."

Don't expect an apology again
Just choke back the disappointment
And your tears
Whisper
Lie and say
"I'm sorry."

Don't expect a opinion
Stay quiet
Listen
Nod
Lie and say
"Your right"

Don't expect approval
Just sit
Stay quiet about what you do
When they ask
"What do you do."
Lie and say.
"Nothing"

Sooner or later
You won't have to lie and say
Anything to anyone
About anything you do
But for now
Lie and say
Everything
Life is easier and
You get better at lieing that way

Look in my eyes
and you will see the pain love hides

look into my heart
and you will see- there is no art

look at my soul
and you will see a lost duel

look at all three...
and find a burning ache for thee

Love, I believe
is not what you say
but how you say it

Love, I believe
is when the other says something
they mean something beautiful

Love, I believe
is not just a fairy tale
but it is indeed very rare

Love, I believe
can be a hell of everlasting torture
or a heaven of undying adoration

Love, I believe
is a mysterious force
unexplainable.

Love, I believe
is power
and weakness

Love, I believe
is the best medicine
along with laughter

Love, I believe
can move a mountain
can withstand all of hell without running short of breath

Love, I believe
is the feeling you get
when you look or think about that special someone in your life

Hush my little one
And sleep
I promise not to leave you
And to watch over your Sleeping form
In moonlight or day
Not a wink
I will sleep
While you still slumber
I blunder and cry
And apologize
My sweet little baby
I tried to leave again
But it was your smiling face
I remembered
In my dark hours
And I came back for you
I'll never leave you.
My shooting star

Let me out!
Let me out!
i scream and scream
yet, this mindless drone
continues to talk aimlessly
about finding Y's X
just let me go

i began to see
numbers flying through the air
with plus signs and graphs
everyone around me
laughs, laughs, laughs
and
that mindless, soulless drone
starts reciting binary code!

oh let me go!
let me go!
the graphs have teamed up
with the X's and zeros!
and the imagery numbers
became the allies
of symbols i don't remember!

Y's chasing the X
and Zero's ignoring all the rules

Let me go!
Let me go!
they've trapped me
in problem 92
i can't escape
my work is due

Oh let me go!
Let me go!
i scream and scream
behind my eyes
and this heartless, merciless drone
KEEPS RECITING
THIS **** BINARY CODE!

a ringing sound
and my eyes un-haze
class is over
i made it
i escaped
till tomorrow i say
to the mindless drone
i wish to slay.

I sat in my bed to hear.
we wrote a letter in the sand.
Someone was quoted,
I was told he calculated life.
small girl
large spider
a house traveled.
Argument unraveled,
at dawn
at the red light
equals
hair on our heads

Dear mother,
did you know?
do not sit on the edge of the open moon roof
don't ever say
"not by the quiet running river"

Forty years ago i examined
the old wooded basin

a life gone away

in love with this bus

keep an eye on that boy
I can't wait to be free
I don't really mind

i hope Friday dances
I played ninja with the boys til i fell
i used to fake what a crow crowed
"if your mind had been larger"
I'm not me
in some places
in the diner
it wasn't so

at sunset
leave the car
light up the yard

may i explain the context
people are a mystery
my sister
my friend
my hundred-year-old neighbor told me:
my older days will be like no other
and i speak a language so foreign
that my uncle must come from India
    
no cats
run to me
even when i plead

always walking
in a land of wind

say "thanks"
poke shovels in our grave

she sits in the living room
trying to show

pack the puppet
sitting, chasing
begin at the center
won't help

land waits for rain
little girl
the bakery
they said
a truck heaped with newspaper
was born wrong.

I wiped your tears,
And cried alone.
Isn't this backwards?

A mother's supposed to
Clean the puke,
When your sick.
Make you tea with honey and lemon.
And give you medicine.
I'm doing all of that for
you and them
And I clean my own *****.
Isn't this backwards?

I've stood up for you
and them
Isn't this backwards?

I've stayed up late,
feeding her.
Isn't this backwards?

I've kissed their wounds,
Taught them,
Loved them
Isn't this backwards?

I was there when he left
Telling you it'd be okay
Isn't this backwards?

I was the one who fought
For you
Isn't this backwards?

I've held in so much
And you've trusted in me.
Isn't this backwards?

Mom.
I love you.
But when you came back
I was like a kid
You adopted
Someone you didn't know.

Mom I love you
But you haven't been a mother.
Not really.
So do me a favor?
Pretty please.
Everything I've done for you?
Take note.
And do it for my sisters.

Lifes trying to **** me
but I'm starting to feel that,
for the first time ever,
I may just make it through...
cuz I'm walking it with you.

When you look at the stars
Or the things i have given you over the years
Know that i love you

I know i left
And promised to bring you here
At least once a year
But i didnt expect to have a child

Money's tight im sorry
I'm not replacing you with him
Your both my babies
You were my first.
When mom wasnt home i always cared for you
I taught you
I loved you
I still do

Im sorry we cant talk as much
As id like.
My sister
My baby
My bug

Itll take a while but ill be back for you
Hes my baby yes
But you'll always be my first.

My friend got to see you
Just not too long ago.
Told me
Your not as handsome
And amazing
As I said.

I stared at her
A million reasons
Why you where all those things
And more
Shot through my brain.
But all I could say is.
"I love him"

How can I tell her
That I see the stars in your eyes
And they keep me in place when I feel as though I may fall?

How can I possibly explain
The feeling of delight I feel hearing your voice
The pull on my heart I feel
Seeing your face.

How can I say
"He's my best friend"
When you're so much more.

If I said
"he's my reason for breathing,
For getting up in the morning
For not giving up.
He's my everything."
It'd be the truth
But very little of it.

There's so much I wanna say.
Many are just fragments I can't fit together just yet.
But I like the feeling of speechlessness
You've given me.

Till then just know.
My friend thinks you're ugly
But to me your everything but.

A meeting taking place
the head screams
we need order
a dozen or so nod in agreement
others howl in disapproval
in the end though
some thing
will be regretted
because you can't win them all
no matter how much it hurts

more screaming
more rage
more yelling

now would be when I should insert a sigh
I guess
but what's the point?

sigh

just another meeting
in my mind's conference room

Why do parents name their children?
accidentally branding them
stressing them with something
they must strive to be

naming a child Joy
who has none
but because you branded her
she must be it
or let down the image her parents had
of a girl full of Joy

Naming a child hope
she feels she must give it
but none to call her own

Name a child Raven
she must play the part
and forever quote nevermore

Name a child Angel
they must be no less than perfection  itself
failure kills them.

name a child faith
and she feels she must have it
in everyone
in everything
and it always ends in a broken heart
always ends in tears
because every fear
has come true
like a curse sent from hell

name a child
for what?
to encourage them?
ha
what a laugh

name a child Todd
they may wish they were a Sara
name a child Sara
they may desire they  were a Todd

In conclusion:
Don't name a child
nickname after knowing them
after loving them
just wait
they'll find themselves in time.

don't brand them
teach them
kiss them
love them
encourage their personal interest
one day they'll know
and
*when they know you'll know,
you know?

the flowing tears of a screaming-
a screaming that binds your soul
unable to move
pinned to the spot
with heart tearing horror
the drops fall from opened wounds
eyes turned glassy
as if turned to mirrors-
mirrors that reflect back:
nothing

to donate
people need a reward
a shirt
a gift card
to give to someone

to do the right thing
it must benefit them
never mind the other people it'll help
only you matter

to give a cigarette
"give me 50 cents"
never mind this woman has 3 kids
and works all night
and just needs something to chill

people disgust me
they don't care
unless they get something

selfish creatures
deserve hell  
we all know that quite well

I know I've been looking the wrong way
I've been trying,
trying for all my days
for something i know
is never going happen
no matter what they say.
that one day I'm gonna be perfect
that one day practice will make me:
perfect,
perfect in every way
but i know the truth now;
see I've been practicing and practicing every day
yet it always ends
the exact same way.
you didn't try
try hard enough
well how much is enough?

so maybe I'm not perfect
but you know what they say:
perfect is just too boring
to live with everyday.