Lavender & Honey**

You know the age old question:
If you were a drink
What would you be?
I must be alcoholic.
My highs and lows are so extreme.
And it seems i've been transforming
A lot of good little ****** girls
Into blood lusting sirens
As of late.
I would come in a tall glass
Brimming with lavender & honey.
Honey is usually sweet,
But sometimes
Can be overshadowed in bitter.
And much like nectar
I didn't care for myself as a child.
Lavender
Because I try to be soothing
And envelop you in love
You can tell me of your pain & fears
And I will hold them closer than my own
That's what lavender is for, you see.
Comfort.
I suppose I could have
A hint of bergamot as well.
Though I swear i'm not pretentious.
I'm just trying to make things Interesting.
So what do you think?
If I was a drink.
Would you drink me?

Whether it helpful, useless, or a little too late.
The voices in my head give me advice.

Here's a list of ****** up **** my brain has told me.

1.
Dear Maggot,

As we march
further and further
into the territory of single life.
Which unfortunately
is what happens
to calloused hearts like yours
You'll realize that.
As the goal of *** shifts
from making love,
to meaningless pleasure.
The "unspoken rules."
Of the bedroom
Are always different
And should be spoken.
Loudly.

2.
Although ******* inside a woman
Who loves you enough
To want a baby is a fulfilling
Romantic experience.
******* inside this stranger,
Without a ******, and
Thinking she'll be happy about it,
Is not going to end well.

3.
Not every person
Is going to ask you to
Use a ******* ******.
Take initiative, and wrap it
Before you tap it.

4.
Now that you don't have a girlfriend,
Sleeping at a friends house
Is not always innocent.
A majority of your friends
Will try to sleep with you,  
At the very least.
All of the men will try to sleep with you.

5.
Having *** with a new gender
For the first time
Is exactly like losing your virginity
All over again.
You have no idea what you like anymore.
Why isn't this working?
That doesn't go there.
Oh my god,
Please put that there.

6.
Some of your previous ex's
Will start talking to you again.
You should still probably not sleep with them.
You should probably still not...
...Oh never mind.

7.
When a girl reaches for a 2-liter of soda
After having *** in the backseat of your car.
Do not assume she's thirsty.
She may lift the soda bottle to her ******.
I know what you're thinking,
And yes it's that bad.
Watch, as the soda magically disappears.
When she spreads her legs and says
"Drink from me"
And of course when you say:
"No"
She will get extremely upset at you.
And scream at how terrible of a person you are.
While squirting
****** coke
All over the back seat of your car.

Be very clear about where you stand
On drinking ****** coke
From the beginning.

8.
Just because someone is in a relationship,
Does not mean they won't sleep with you.
Asking if the boyfriend or husband is okay
With you guys hanging out
Is a good first step to taking the higher ground.
Asking during ***
Might **** the mood.

9.
Not every partner wants you to penetrate them.
Some people just want to be whipped.
This is not weird in the single life.

10.
These people think you are vanilla as ****.
Fetlife is not for you.
Stick to tinder.

11.
Listen here maggot,
When a girl leaves something behind,
She probably wants a second date.
Even if what the woman left you was
******* ****** coke
All over your brand new leather seats.

12.
Some of the girls you sleep with.
By some miracle,
Will still want to talk to you.
You crazy *******.
They might make amazing friends.
You might even have *** again.
And if you're lucky, they'll teach you something.

It's 2 AM
I'm propped against the outer brick wall of an abandoned ******* barrel.
I am 50% coffee
40% water,
10% *****.

The sprinklers pop out of the ground and mist the air
In my arms there's a woman I thought I'd never speak too again.
As puddles form and creep inwards,
Stopping just outside our warm bodies.
I'm holding her, puzzle piece, tightly.

She was my first high school girlfriend.

We saw each other in the same place, every year.
Every single time we had heart attacks.
Chanting to ourselves,
"Please don't notice me."
"Please don't notice me."
"Please don't notice me."

Tonight, lit only by the moon light and the lamp fixtures.
I'm holding her tight enough that we look chimera.
Experimental pieces, combined as one whole creature.
Neither of us, want to let go.

Rewind to this afternoon.
She's sitting on the grass next to our mutual friend
I attempt to pass by, unnoticed.
Tip-toe, heart attack.
"Hey Nick"
"****"
The friend jumps up faster than I can conjure words.
I'm trapped in her embrace.
She introduces us.

She thinks... we don't know each other.

A bulldozer hits the brick wall around my heart
That's been telling me to avoid this sweet girl.
We stare at each other like the sky is falling and we're paralyzed.

I kneel down in front of her and look at her like she isn't real.
She's terrified.
"How have you been."
Saying this, felt like a gunshot.

The recoil hits me as she repeats the same question.
Neither of us, have had a great time.

"So much life has happened...
That whatever we did too each other...
Wasn't nearly as bad as now.
If you want to be my friend, I could use one."

She's quiet, all but her breathing.
It gets heavier, and suddenly, the friend rushes to her side.
"Are you okay?"

"If you need me to leave i will, i didn't want to scare you,
If it's too much to see me right now i can go."

The anxiety fills her body like a thermometer.

It turns red and shatters.
She rushes to me and hugs me tight.

Her heart beats a million miles a minute.
She calms down and a tear drips on my neck.
I hold her close to me.

Finally, she manages to push out two words.
"We're talking."

"I know... it doesn't feel real."

"***** YOU!"
She screams, and jumps back.
"I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize, you needed that."

So fast forward.
It's 2:00 am.
I'm buzzed. and it's freezing.
I've been hugging this girl for roughly two hours.
We both want nothing more then to kiss each other,
But we don't.

Because we both knew,
That was a terrible idea.

I tell her I sang our love song too another girl.
I tell her, I kept the jar of love notes she left me above my bed frame.

She tells me, she reads my poetry.
She tells me she cried, when bapbap died.
She tells me she's sorry, about my job
She tells me she's sorry, about my daughter.

I ask that we not be sorry, for things we can't control.

We remember the good times.
We laugh at them, relive, and enjoy them.

I have so many good memories, that hurt me so badly.
Tonight, I got some of those good times back.
It feels amazing, to just have a night that when
I relive my good memories, they don't hurt,
They Sing.

Last week I got an urge to lay on a rooftop, and drink ***** under the stars,
so I packed an empty backpack with svedka, a notebook, and a cellphone; and went on a mission.
I spent an afternoon looking around.
Taking notes on how in the hell, I could get up to a place that was flat, a roof, and could see the stars.

As it turns out,
the rooftops are not a place Freeport wants you to be.

in fact, one staircase directly leading to the top of a building specifically said
"No Trespassing"
Keeping me out with a locked metal door.

so I kept adventuring.

It did not occur to me until after I had already spent quite awhile scribbling down notes on locations of
milk crates I could use,
ledges low enough to grab,
dumpsters I could maybe move over just a bit,

how illegal it may be,
(I'M still not sure)
Or how dangerous it may be
(probably quite very)
To go on this adventure.

I texted a beautiful girl and asked if she wanted to drink ***** under the stars.

being the suave romantic that I am,

Having spent my whole morning surveying different routes to the rooftops.

Having planned out such a storybook evening, obviously her answer was,

"nah, I'd rather stay home, smoke ****, and watch the new season of Orange is the new black."

*******, Ruby Rose...
Stop. stealing. my dates.

After introducing myself to a handful of other potential candidates, I finally find a woman who believes climbing onto a rooftop and drinking ***** would be a swell time.

By the time I pick her up and get back to the spot,
it's late enough that Freeport is a ghost town.
We run down the middle of the street, me dragging her, doctor and companion style towards the first flawless plan:

Milkcrates behind linda beans.

We stack them up like steps and walk up to the top of a metal ceiling
Affixed perfectly above a flight of stairs that leads to the top floor.
I thought, "maybe we could climb the metal ceiling like a ramp."

it turns out
that not only is it
incredibly difficult not to
fall off of a slanted flimsy ramp
with no handles. But it is also: Terrifying!

Eventually I make it to the top and realize:
"****, There is still a tall ledge I have to hoist myself onto"
I look down to the short brunette quivering
on the ramp's lowest tier and decide that there is no way either of us were going to make it.

"Hey rose, " (That wasn't her real name)
Let's try a different way up.

attempting to crawl down slowly,
my **** scoots forward, hands behind me,
I slip and start gliding down like a children's slide.
flailing and attempting to catch myself before
falling off the edge and plummeting onto a dumpster.

(Whistling noises)

Thud!

She screams.
I laugh uncontrollably.

She slowly descends our statuesque landmark milkcrate staircase.
Like an angel coming from ghetto heaven.

I lift myself up and hop down off the dumpster.

putting my backpack down,
I check to see if the ***** bottle is okay.
It's fine.

"Good job, *******."
"We're fine."
"You're an idiot."
"I could have died, don't I at least get a kiss or something?"

She gives me a disapproving look, then kisses me.

eventually we did
make it up to a rooftop,
Where we laid and watched the stars.
They were warm, distant, and beautiful.

I liked feeling their glow on my skin.
But I loved taking the journey to meet them.

"You are both better off without me.
Towards the end, Mommy realized it,
She just didn't want to hurt you."

Her name was Luna.

The only people who saw her face was her mother and I.

You could say she didn't exist. But we Knew better.

We tried for two years to help her meet her sister.

But every time we thought we'd made a connection something intercepted the call.

she scared us a couple times.
Made us love each other a few other times.
And in the end, we never got to hold her.

I guess we never should have named her.
But when you love something that much. It's hard not to dream about it.

she was the best parts of both of us.
Her mothers beauty, her fathers heart.
I'm not saying I regret trying.
I know how happy she would of made us.
But Something out there knew that Luna was better off as a distant memory.

I'll never forget the day
Luna spoke to me.

I got a knock on my door about a week after the break up.

"Can I come in?"
Honestly, I didn't know if she could.
"Where is she?"
"Her grandparents" she said, stepping inside.
It turns out ex-girlfriends are not like vampires,
They may, in fact, walk in uninvited.

"What have you been up to?" I ask,
As I close the door behind her.

"Work. You?"

"I had *** with a girl in Kennebunk"

"Oh, let me guess, nerdy with an irish face?"
She knew my type.

"No actually, Egyptian... I know, weird"

We walk up to the bedroom.
I try to hold her hand,
But she pulls away.

"I miss you."
"I miss you too," she says, "but it will make things harder,
You know that."

"Did you **** him yet?"
She doesn't look at me.

"So yes. When? How long did it take?"
"Nick, you don't need to know"

"I need to know, more than anything. When?"

"That night."
"The night I called you?"
She's quiet.

We decide that since we aren't together anymore,
It'd be a good idea to confess
All of the things we lied about over the years
So it'd be easier to hate each other.

We circle around the bed taking turns.
Getting angrier, and angrier.

"As soon as I walked in their door
His girlfriend stripped all my clothes off.
She didn't even let me say hello."

"Well you know that love song
I wrote for you?
It was actually for my ex girlfriend."

"He said I was great at riding him,
And when we were done,
We smoked a bowl and cuddled."

"You cuddled!?"

"Yes. Cuddled."

"I want, just.
To *******."

"Then do it."

I fade awake with her naked body draped over me
Like the world's most comfortable blanket.

This is the last time I get to feel this happy.
Like a dream.
Safe. Comfortable. Warm.

As I open my eyes,
I see the empty room.
Her things are already gone.
She is a foreign object in my bed.

Her once delicate touch turns
Hot coal and burns me.
I jump back and bury
My head in my hands.
The room starts spinning.
I don't love her, I'm not happy,
We aren't happy.
I hate her. I hate this room.
I hate myself.
I want everything to just go!
"Put your clothes on and just go!"

She is awake now.
She reaches for my phone.
"What are you doing?"
"Do you know my number?"
"I don't have it memorized."
"Good."
She hands me back my phone.
"If I need you, I'll call you."

She leaves.
Forever this time.
It turns out I was wrong.
Ex-girlfriends are exactly,
Like vampires.

She said "I think, I'd be coffee."
I had asked her:
if your personality was a beverage,
what beverage would it be?

I reply,
"No. You wouldn't be coffee.

I wake up to a cup of coffee every morning.

If you're going to be coffee you need to have somehing else to you.

Be sweet and cheap with tons of sugar if you have too.

Or more preferably, be locally roasted with high notes and low notes.

Or be dark, bold and roasty.

You can taste like anything!
bing cherry, citrus, earthy, chocolate.

You can't just say coffee.
Coffee deserves so much more explanation than that.

I had coffee brandy once.

I woke up to her every morning and I got drunk off of her.
If I ever stopped drinking water i'd throw her all up and feel sick.
but I would never drink water.

Every morning After I drank her I'd walk down the hall and find a sippy cup full of milk.

Even she was not just milk.
She was strawberry milk.
She was coffee milk.
She was my little coffee milk.

You are not coffee.

I had coffee before and it's gone.
You are water.

I don't wake up to you every morning.
I don't need you to get through my day, yet.

But run you through my filter enough times.
Soak up all my grounds.

Maybe one day,
You can be my coffee.