You didn’t give me a reason to write, you sat your words in my lap and I had no choice but to rearrange them.

I didn’t even know I had the capacity to harm

I was always The one who was hurt

The one who would come to your aid whenever you were hurt

But now I’ve become the monster I’d never hoped to meet

Who am I now that I am not the harmed

I apply my love with water and a sponge but like a small child you rub and pick and poke and **** until it’s gone
I have endless tattoos and one day when your older I’ll give you one in ink

My life has become a series of tests,

How long can I go with the ache in my stomach

How long can I push through my social burnout

How many days can I sleep without a pillow

How long can I go without texting you

And I find ways to fail them all

I fill your pockets with rocks
To way you down?
To keep you from outgrowing me.

People always say “love wins”

But if that were true
God if that were true

The things the world could see us do

The clocks are always ticking
Something I never found annoying
Until I realized that with every tik I had one less second with you

Jeans used to make me nauseous

Plant pots make me shake

A hairbrush could make me crumble

But your lips may be the only thing without flaw

Holding you is like holding the sun
Your warmth is overwhelming
But all I want is to sink in
To stay a while
Even if a while is a minute or two

Thoughts are swimming
Mostly sinking
Trying to grasp at broken rope
I can't breathe
I can't see
And this time I don't want to be brought back to shore
Id rather feel nothing than this endless something

I've never longed to feel plastic before

its been a week and a half since the last blue pill

what I wouldn't give to not recognize my reflection

I spin out of control on a Monday

my body longs for your touch on a Tuesday

my brain can't get its mind off you on a Wednesday

I colapse on a Thursday

and then I get a hit on a Friday

and ill be okay until

I spin out of control on a Monday...

I've never shown you this side

The open book

Now there are 3 of you here

Tearing pages out

I hope you forgot the name I told you

I think it would make me feel again
But if it doesn't was it all a lie
I'll smile regardless
You make me nauseous

Cut me open

Bleed me dry

Maybe then you'll learn to love me

Have you ever cried in the cold?

The tears become comforting

Their warmth overwhelming

Balancing the pain

"Sleep is good"
"Sleep is lame"
"Sleep is important"
"Sleep is for losers"
My mind is spinning and I just want to sleep
But the tears roll instead

Who the hell can you blame for the voice in your head

It left for a while but today it krept back in

Its mocking tone is echoing

Doitdoitdoitdoit

But I don't want to do it

Why are we created to destroy ourselves

my car is a temple

but it is also a morgue

the floor mats held my tears

but the dash grew a garden

and now there's water to spare

White and blue pills
A blank face in the mirror
A list of affirmations
I want to sleep
I want to dissolve
You make me smile nonetheless

My brain runs slow
But there's so much I need to know
I keep your dates in my phone
Ready to recall
Maybe then I won't make 2 lunches in a row

My brain is broken...I think that's previously established

But I never knew it could break like this

I've never been speechless before I met you

Words can't describe your aura

Asking
Grasping
Pulling
Twisting
All to keep your hand in mine

It seems like everyone has a match
Even if it burns out
2 weeks later they strike the box and a new flame burns
I've only struck once
And I burnt out to fast

It seems like everyone has a match
Even if it doesn't last
They'll be "talking" to someone new
I don't "talk"
I don't match
I don't fit

A snapshot

Insignifigant in the moment but oh so important now

The silence of the room the burst of joy       the imediate downfall

Spiraling
Alone

Dark 6 days a week but that one day that one day that makes it all worth it the one day you sit in a field miles apart, faces covered and arms outstreched but never touching

Then you go back to little black boxes like the seats in a theater, talking infront of a class has never seemed scarier

Oh to go back
To That insignifigant day

I take photos now, that's new

And I learned to draw lips like you used to

But despite the things I've learned

I still yearn

December 8th was the last time we talked

No more suns or moons or stars or laughter

No more music or dancing or singing

No more fluttering heart or late nights

No more happy fights

I want it all back

And the only way is with you

It's been weeks since you threw me back

But I just want to let you know

You didnt cut the line

And I'm stuck on your hook

Please reel me in

I think I used up all my words talking to you cause I haven't been able to get anything meaningful out ever since

I need to stop living in the past
but
it's so hard when your not in my future

I'm a block from your house

We could be talking

Laughing

Playing

But your busy

I get it

I feel like I'm running on empty
And someone put a brick on the gas pedal
How fast can I go before I burn out

Will I get left on the side of the road?

A leaf fell from your branch

It would be wrong to glue it back

But I've got a glass half full

And wouldn't mind helping grow a knew one

Did you open it when I left?

Tear open the paper

Or are you still waiting

Counting the days

Are you anxious

What could be inside

Laugh as you did before

So free

Remember the day we left

You squeezed me till I broke

And dried my tears with your thumb

What happened since then?

The crunching of the leaves

Rustling of the pines

our laughter

Calm

Happy

A chipmunk

Screams

I slip you the paper in anticipation

Does she like me?

I move in and stay up all night laughing with you

Does she like me?

You return a new piece, covered in doodles

She likes me?

Did I scare you?

Do you hate me?

Sorry


I'll



Try




Less





Next




Time.

Why is your biggest insecurity the thing I love most about you?

Why even have insecurities when you look like you do

If I could hold them for just a while I think you would see the beauty in your imperfection

The world is louder with you in it

Not brighter like other lovers say

But louder

Despite my repetitive deafness

Tell me again how you love me

You told me it was hard to say goodbye

So why dont we stop

Pause time

Hold eachother longer

Even while our parents watch