I want to dance
across your eyelashes like fingers on a piano.
I want to curl those fingers,
twirl them in your beard
like ballerinas,
twisting and jumping
gently with grace
across the stage.
I want to be close to the city of your soul,
listen to the sounds
that echo off the buildings of memories.
I want to be a tourist of you,
snapping pictures and
standing in awe
of the landscape that is your temple.
I'll build a monument to you,
an ode to your good deeds-
we could fill a museum with you.
I want it to rain in your voice,
pour over me
so I can drink your thoughts
and grow toward the sun of your smile.
I want to reach down
and dig my fingers into your Earth,
fill my mouth with your soil
and let your nature consume me
while I consume
it.
I want to bathe in your ocean,
wash my sins away
while I exalt in yours.
I want to feel your ground beneath me,
steady and sure,
as I take this journey,
my pilgrimage to your heart.

You're a pillar of smoke
that rises up
out of a pile of ash leftover
from a fire I thought
I'd extinguished long ago.
You're the **** of a cigarette
now smoldering
much after I've quit smoking,
and the smell of you
reaching my nostrils
brings acid from my stomach
to my throat
and I'm forced to choke for a moment.
You're the dark ring
around the tub
even after years of scrubbing,
and I hate it because
it reminds me of the rings,
dark and stubborn
around my eyes.
You're the agitated
pressure marks
on either side of my nose
from the glasses I habitually wear
although I've far outgrown them.
You're the splinter
that sits just far enough beneath my skin
that any attempt to remove it
just furthers my irritation.
I can try to forget about you,
let you slowly work your way out,
but it simply takes one rub,
one bump in the right direction
to remind me
you're still there
and I'm sore all over again.
Simply the thought of you
makes me ache.

I ache from my shins
like I did that night
you swung a metal bar across them.
And my ***.
And my chest.
And the back of my head
when I tried to roll away from your thunder.
I ache from my lips
like I used to when they'd swell
from the contact of your palms
or your knuckles
or my teeth
so I could hold back my screams.
I ache from my throat
like I would for days
after you would grab me -
I swear you'd squeeze harder every time,
and if given a choice now,
I'd happily pick a noose
over your hand any day.
But most often I ache
from my head as a whole -
my eyes,
my nose,
my mouth -
my temples throb.
I can hear my own heartbeat -
Everything tingles
like when you would box me,
pack me up with your fists
into a small package,
sealed with the stamp
of your forehead
pecked against mine
like a hammer to a nail.

But every beginning has an end,
under pressure
diamonds are formed,
and it's only after a star is destroyed
that we see it twinkle from Earth.

Every bruised eye
has made mine shine brighter.
Every fat lip
has made my smile wider.
Every tear, every plea choked back
has made my song louder.

I am now
the tree you tried to cut down
but my seeds already fell
and I'm growing again.
I am the picture
you tried to shred
but I became a puzzle
and someone else
put me together.
I am the star
you tried to black out
with your darkness,
but I became the sun
and now it's summer time.

Come take a walk through my mind.
Be sure to walk
in a single-file line,
keep your eyes on the back
of the person in front of you,
for if you misstep,
you're likely to be lost forever.
At our first stop,
I'll introduce you to the things
that bring me joy.
The happy things
that shine like the sun on my days
and ease me into slumber
when I snuggle in at night.
Here, you'll find my laughter,
my favorite food,
my best-fitting pair of pants
and my softest sweater.
This is the stop
where you will notice all the beauty
and warmth
and peace that exists within my world.
Here is where I keep my happiest memories,
the scent of home,
the feeling of a dog when I pet her
and the cloud-like softness
of a cat's fur
when it's purring like an engine
freshly oiled.
This is the place where I keep my love,
my passion,
my cache of motivation and ambition.
This will likely be your favorite spot,
and you'll want to remember this place
so please,
take a moment and soak it all in.
Make the effort to memorize
the grass that is perfectly green,
the crisp warm air,
and the sound of gently rushing water
as it passes by us down there at the creek.
You will want to remember this shortly
as we make our way to the next few stops,
because not everything is sunshine
and rainbows as they say.
Let us continue on,
now that everyone's had their chance
to charge their inner batteries
and fill up with warmth.
Store that in your back pocket for now,
because soon you'll be cold
and you'll want to take it out
to keep from freezing.

This is our next spot.
Here you'll find my memories
that don't make me so happy.
Everyone be sure to huddle closely,
and it would probably be best
if you all held hands.
If you have something to hold on to,
the demons that will surely surround us
cannot drag you off.
The howls and screams
are much quieter
if someone else cups their hands
around your ears.
Please remember to be aware
of your surroundings,
I know this is all new to you
but you must keep your eyes
open very wide.
Things come crawling,
slithering,
swooping in from all angles.
Without the proper training,
this can be very exhausting,
I'm well aware
so we won't remain here long.
Be sure not to drop anything,
don't feed the beasts
that are closing in around us.
Don't shed a tear
because it simply sustains their life
just that much longer.
Try not to look
at the dark, withering,
decaying black trees,
and the rain clouds
that are rapidly approaching.
That warmth that I spoke of earlier?
You may want to retrieve that now,
the temperature is dropping,
so let us hurry,
we're on to our last stop.

For those of you who need a rest,
you'll be thankful for this
or maybe you won't.
This stop is my favorite,
it is where I spend most of my time.
Everyone close your eyes
and take a deep breath
and hold it in for a moment.
As you exhale,
we will enter the space.
When I say space,
I mean literally.
This is the place
that is like the space between words.
It is blank,
like the expression on my face
as I am unfazed
by the ordeals we have just been through.
This place is as empty
as the lack of color in the air.
It is so calm
that there is no feeling,
the air is so still
that there is none.
Here I do not breathe,
I just exist.
Here I feel no hunger,
no fear,
no weakness,
but I also have no courage,
no strength,
no satisfaction.
Here there is no longing,
no need,
no desire,
but also no sense of purpose,
no accomplishment,
and no love.
Do not mistake
this white space for light,
for this is the purest meaning
of the absence of everything.
So ladies and gentlemen,
you have made it.
You made it
to the end of the trip through my mind,
and you have survived
just as I have.
But unfortunately for you
there was something I forgot to mention.
Once you have made it to this blank place,
it's nearly impossible to make your way out.
This is the end of my shift,
I am used to where it leaves me.
Here is where you begin your journey alone,
trying to fight your way out.
You have to start here,
where there is nothing,
and claw your way,
all by your lonesome,
back through the terror,
the horrific images from which
we just came,
to make your way back to the light.
You must go it alone,
in a single-file line.
But tread lightly,
because somewhere in all these ruins
lies my heart,
please do not step on it
on your way out of my life.