Im scared
Im shaking
Im trembling
How could I allow you to have so much control
Why are you still here
I want to leave you behind
Yet you lurk like a demon
Always coming when I least expect it
You come through your own accounts
Then move onto alternates as you stalk your prey
When I connect the dots to see that it's you
You leave, but only for a bit
You keep on lurking in the murk
Waiting for the perfect time to strike
Sending your friends to incite fear within me again
And it's working
I'm trembling
I'm shaking
I'm scared

Yesterday, I confessed
One last time
To the guy I once
Imagined my future with
He said no
But nonetheless,
That was the happiest moment
Of my life
I'm finally free
From the aching nights
Of will he want me back
And is he worth it

If I write about love
Will it come back to me

I'm staring at the clock
Waiting for the 9 to become a 0
Checking how much longer
Until I'm out
I sit here in silence
Typing away
The only sound being
My fingertips on the keyboard
I look again, the 0 is there
But now I long for it to be a 1
A never ending, vicious cycle
Minutes away from a freedom
That can only be achieved
After 7 hours in this hell

In 5 years
No, maybe in 15
Will I be able to live in peace

In a forest far, far away
Lush green trees encasing me
Light brown birds chirping their morning songs
Bunnies with their dirtied fur hopping through the lawn
Fireflies shining their dim, golden light to show the way home

A warm fire cloaking a cottage in heat
A heavenly scent drafting out of the oven
Gentle, loving hands enveloping me from behind
Fluffy kittens peeking out from the woolen blankets
A soft orange glow emitted from the lanterns hanging above
A smile developing at the corners of my careworn lips

I'll be waiting
For this day
To come to me

They sit
Two feet away from me
Spewing sh*t about friends
I don't turn
Staring at my computer
In a slight fit of fear
That my turn will be next
I know plenty about them
And they know me too
But who's to say
That even if I don't turn
I won't be next
They love to talk
Vouching on that their word
Won't be spread
It will

Feeling sparks fly
In the dark tunnel waiting to let you out
It's happened once
And I've been waiting for it to happen again ever since
Let me finish the walk out of this tunnel
Give me one more spark
It's gone
They're gone
Let me see sparks fly once more
To get out of the ever so lonely hallway
Finding what I believe to be flint
And proving that instead it's charcoal
Crumbling away under my fingers
As I try to keep it together

I will never
Regret being your first love
But I will always
Regret not being your last

You whispered them into my ears
Sweet nothings that I was too blindsided to notice
I giggled so hard not knowing what was to come ahead
I looked up at you with round hazel eyes waiting for the “I love you”
It came and again, I heard the sweet nothing
As you broke up with me you said “I still love you”
I believed it
I wanted it
I kept it
But again it was only a sweet nothing
I treasured us with my whole heart
But the relationship to you was only a sweet nothing

My life used to be one click away
One computer in my room
I open a tab
I open a game
My life was now finished for that day

I grew pale from this
Sitting inside with my life locked in a screen
My only friends: strangers on the other side
Were they even friends though?
No, I don't think so
It felt safe however
Only one click to start my life out
And only one click to end it

Sometimes I miss the way it used to be
I realize now however, that life is not meant to be just one click
It's meant to be thousandths of movements in thousandths of different ways
Movements that come from my eyes
Movements that come from my legs
Movements that come from my arms

Life's meant to be something that is always changing and never the same
It's meant to be running around in the rain as I slide and fall all while I laugh away my worries for the day
It's meant to be chasing the bubbles that some stranger's child is blowing
It's meant to be lying down on my towel at the beach and resting my eyes for a second as the warm summer breeze passes by
It's meant to be jumping into my loved ones arms as I see them for the first time in weeks
It's meant to be something that I can look back at and tell my grandkids about with pride

Life online was just a baby step towards this much bigger scheme
A scheme that could only be fulfilled by being fully human
Not a machine that takes one click to power on and off

Yesterday and today
You got me thinking about you
Your blank glances
Your small comments on my games
Never would've thought of you before
But here we are
I steal glances at you
And you lock eyes with me as I do

I hate you
But I love you
And I miss you
Why must it be like this

I miss you
The way you wrapped your tender arms around me
The way you looked at me when I was mad trying to find the answer in my eyes
The cold December nights where we laid cuddled up under blankets
The sunny spring days where we'd fall asleep under the shelter of the dark green trees
The humored voice you'd always use when telling me to not be scared of your mother
The way your eyes would settle on me as if I was the only one there

I wait for your confident strut into the classroom
With your signature grey sweatpants and fit t-shirt
It's nothing special, yet you make it memorable
You start a conversation with the classmate next to you and I happen to overhear the conversation and chime in
You listen to my points and even beam at some of my remarks
Are my remarks that great?
I'm not so sure, but you make me happy that I said them
I steal a glance at times while you work on your classwork and smile to myself wondering how I got so lucky with the seating arrangements
Even though this will probably never lead to anything I'm glad to have someone to look forward to
Someone who I can smile with just for a second and then go on with my day

Everyone says that change isn't so bad
But what if it is
Being perfectly content and having everything taken away
For the sake of 'change'
Doesn't that seem ridiculous

I wake up
Heart pounding
Staring at a grey wall
I lay there in silence
A dull sting of nothingness
Capturing my soul
Eyes wide open
I keep on staring
Hoping to feel something
Alas, I never do

I'm really uncertain about where to go
All of these different roads all glow
So which one is best for me?
Which one glows the brightest?
Is one glow meant for romance
The other meant for financial success
And a third meant for good grades
Will there be one to encompass all?
Or do I want the one that glows the least?
The one least threaded on
Would that be best for me?

Is it ok
To fall for someone again
With no intention
To go far
Is it ok
To know that they have
Feelings for me
And advance on those
When I can't promise
Feelings back for long
Is it ok
To move on when I'm still so broken

It’s so mesmerizing
So cruel
But that’s what really
Puts it altogether
Don’t you think
The highs
And
The lows

I miss you
But I need to move on
Someone help me learn
How to forget someone
Who once was my world

He used to be home to me
And now I have no home
I used to mourn that
Thinking that he was
The only home I'd ever get
But the funny thing is
Everyone moves from home to home
Some only need one to find the right one
Others need fifty to find one that fits
So why should I mope for years
When it's just moving from
One home to the next

I miss you
But do I really miss you
Or do I miss the warmth you gave off as you held me
Is it that I miss being able to call someone mine
Is it that I miss always being able to rely on someone
Maybe I do miss you though
My heart still stings a bit when I see you talking to other girls
I still check your stories when I have extra time on my hands
However, I don’t really want you anymore
You betrayed me worse than anyone else and I haven’t forgotten
I still hope that you’re doing fine though
I miss you

Please don't fall in love with someone else
That's what i've been wishing since the moment I saw you
But I can't even seem to keep you in love with me
So what right do I have to wish
That you won't fall in love with someone else

You reminded me to have more self respect for myself
I am not an option
I am not meant to be used
Formally this is my way of saying that I refuse to be your toy from this point on
I am worthy of more

I am waiting
Waiting for someone to treat me write
Waiting for someone to love me unconditionally
Waiting to feel safe
Waiting to feel like there will always be someone right next to me
Waiting for the day I can run into their arms
Waiting for the day I say “I do”
I am waiting for the perfect fairytale

I am Rain
I am unwavering
Sometimes overwhelming
I come and go as I please
I'll calm you down on dreary nights
And then I'll be gone in a glimpse
All I leave behind is a reminder
A warm rainbow to remember me by
But I am also Valya
I am struggling beyond belief
I am avoiding everyone
I cry as night comes
And I wake up with tears each morning
Yet I still smile throughout the day
I never stay in one mood
One moment I'll be as happy as can be
The next I'll be on the brink of death
Which one of these versions am I truly
Am I the one who brings joy, but leaves
Or am I the one who lives in sorrow, but pretend to be ok
Or am I both
Am I just someone who wishes to bring to others
Trying to bring them a happiness that will stay
Something I have not been able to fully achieve
Or am I something else
Because if I am what I say
Why do I hurt them by leaving
Why do I leave after I give them those memories
Why not bless them with more
Am I just afraid of ruining their day once more
I have no sense of self anymore
Only different fragments of a soul that is lost