I miss
The parts of you
That made me, me
But i am Whole,
I am an entirety

I hope you forget about me when you move away and start over.

I hope you don’t bring me up anymore, and that bottling it all inside eats you alive.

I hope you never tell your new friends about me, I hope you think of me every night.

I want you to hurt like I did. I healed, thank god. And I moved on. But I live every day with the guilt you gave me.

It is hard to imagine
Seeing a whole person
When the mirror shattered
And left shards in the same shape
As the scars on my arms
That divide me into two people.
one I wish I could escape
one who refuses to give way
To anything other than
Depreciation
Unwelcomed recollection
On times of skin fairer, clearer, kinder

Lost so much last year
that this one is blank
and for that, I am thankful
Regrets no longer hold my hand
and walk me across the street
for I have learned through my pain
to use my own two feet
here's to a year of resillience
of thought and humility,
brilliance.


What will you do?

I'll be the first to admit it was my weakest year in terms of my spirits. I'm naturally strong but this year I was lazy when faced with the challenge of having to adapt. New and unfamiliar tragedies struck, harsher weather hit and I was last in line to defend myself. Picking it all back up won't be pretty. Pieces lie around like shattered toys. Boy, is it something to watch yourself fall apart but care so deeply about another person you forget to care for yourself. It's another thing, too, to let yourself believe you don't deserve to get better. To deprive yourself of water and light to insist you're strong enough to fight fire with fire when you already burned out. What's that about? I was weak, and I won't pretend I was growing into something worth being proud of. I lied a lot this year, to myself the most. I watched my world crumble around me and those who bore witness claimed hyperbole. That was devastating to me. A world I'd carved with my own hands, shattered and then made into a mockery. So I let go of making the world mine, I ran out of steam. I was weak. I was so ******* weak this year and I lost almost every piece of me. I don't like that attitude, the whole "New year, New me" but boy, am I sick of being this one. I got too scared to ask for help, convinced I was in fact stronger than anyone on my own. That's until I was alone and I fell apart 125 nights in a row. I was weak, but I was more scared than anything. Courage came like sunshowers and lifted me above skyscrapers but only for field trips. We always forget we have to go home at the end of the day, remember? I would ask for a hand only when falling and would wake up and learn that I was dreaming. Reality hit me like a bus this year, and I never reached for a hand when I wasn't in bed. I missed that too, holding onto something warm after cold nights and red skin. Let it sink in, when you're falling out of love for the first time and you don't think you're going to get past it, you will. But you'll lose a lot of who you thought you were, too. I did that this year. I'm sorry. I'm not who I was when I was in love. I'm not that girl anymore and I'm not weak. I'm standing on my own two ******* feet here, now. I'm here, now. You haven't seen the last of me. I was weak, and things were ugly. I was drunk and I can't remember the last time I felt at peace where a substance didn't do it for me, but I've felt it before on my own and know well enough what that heat feels like when it sits in your stomach. I miss the flutter in my heart after writing a good poem or watching a sunrise in May. I miss a lot that I put away this year because underneath their top coats were memories I was not ready to face. I'm only 20, loss is something I understand now. Everyone said I would survive and for months I was convinced they lied but I'm here now, my hearts beating now. I can't say I'm weak anymore because I'm still alive to tell you about it. Just wait until you see what I make from the pieces I choose to pick back up and the new ones I make. This year is mine to take. Here's to you, 2017.

Suddenly it's 4am
I'm purging into my pillow again
I realize no one's come in since you left
Nor has anyone tried to

Suddenly the sun is rising
Bringing light to memories I hid
Under layers of makeup and laughter
Were months I pretended I was healed
And in that light I realize,
I never lost the feeling of what we had
Our days are faded images in my scrapbook mind, my attic stays dark and shady,
But early twilights in late August wipe clean the wool I've let cover them comfortably
Suddenly it's 4am
On the first day of the 6th month since you left
And I realize, I'm still there, acting like it was a theft,
And just like a crime, you'll do your time, but justice would be served, you'd come back

And suddenly,
I realize,
This is real life
And you aren't

I sat down at a computer and tried to use words to paint to the feeling in my chest, or the lack of feeling in my chest, the sharp stabbing in my chest I felt every time our eyes met, every time for 365 days, the feeling in my chest that started to manifest itself in the shape of 14 hour naps and 750 mililiter bottles of alcohol. I could not formulate sentences much less images of what I could have been but instead had to face the reality of what I had become, it was not a who, but a what and that what did not know where she was going or why she let herself turn into something so empty and why she was not fighting for substance inside her. I was too weak to fight back. How do you teach yourself how to love your own self, while you fight like hell with her every single day?  I could not formulate sentences nevermind find the strength to admit I was empty to someone who could fill me and I spent a year trying to teach myself that humans could not fill the void, I kept looking for humans to fill the void. I kept looking and never found one single human to make me feel important. I have this problem where I think that if I am not important to the entire world that I am not important at all, isn't it important enough to be someone to those you love? I could not fill myself up with the cradling words of my mother, oh how my mother would have collapsed if she knew that the daughter she raised was out killing herself slowly every day and could not find the energy to care or cry or ask for help, I asked for help when it was too late and the cycle had already swallowed me whole. I found solace in condensing months of suffering into tiny pink pills that I could fit in my mouth and chase with ***. I used to drink until I ended up on bathroom floors but the night my friends all found their way into their lovers' beds after doing the same and I fell asleep on tile was the same day I told myself I was ready to fall in love again. It was the falling that I had missed, but not the love. I wanted the chase because it made the cavity in my chest feel more shallow even if it was for a day even if it was never going to go away, at least it felt that way. But the truth is, it never did. I slept with men who never listened when I talked and when I talked they said it was too much. I stopped trying to talk and eventually could not think and the smart girl who was pretty too became the loud girl no one wanted to spend the night with because she did not know how much was too much and I hated that girl.

5 years ago I was angry
vengence flooded my hollow veins
my skin was rough from self inflicted pain
my scabs turned purple, my eyes turned red
I was hateful and tired and bed ridden

5 year ago I was scared
fear swallowed my soulless insides
my hair was thin from all the gin
my nails were brittle from scratching at cement
I was weary and timid and bed ridden

5 years ago I was nothing
revenge conquered my purpose
my hands were cold from nights awake
my smile was jaded from faking
I was not who I am today

5 hours ago I was me
Right now, I am new
I threw away my hate
I swallowed my pride
and I decided to love my life

5 months ago I forgave you
5 years ago I could never
5 hours ago I forgave me, too
and 5 seconds ago I was new

Time ***** dry of what drive we have
hands tick and cause us to feel like collapsing
but I got tired of the scrapes on my knees
from praying to God for some sort of relief
so I decided to be that for me,
and I forgave you 5 years ago
I forgave me only 3
but it is behind us now
and we can move on
because 14 years ago
I thought I was wrong

5 years ago I was different
my body had seen better days
my heart only 15 years old
was ready to give in
I found forgiveness
in the darkerst corner of my ribs
I broke off a piece
to let some air in
and have been healing
ever since

I run to pretend
I drink to forget
I write to express
I smoke to find rest
I go out to digress

I run to pretend that 6 months have not past since you left
I drink to forget that they have
I write to express the pit manifesting inside me
I smoke to find rest in days that almost **** me
I  stay busy to digress from the truth that you don't miss me

I tried to write a long piece
about missing you
still writing things about things we would do
the September fog wrapped me up like celafain
I tried to write a long piece
but my hands wouldn't stop shaking

I tried to write to you
and tell you how I've been
but a year later
and not much has happened
you moved on
I moved back
the city feels empty even with the world on my back

I tried to write a long piece
about liberation and hope
and how it gets better if you let it
but a year later,
and I still choke up

so I don't write anymore
I don't sleep anymore,
I don't look for love anymore
and that's something I have had to
learn to store away until the day
I stop missing you, stilll

I wonder if there is an afterlife for words
Ones we never brought to life,
or ones that tried and tried,
but lost their fight.
I wonder what it looks like.
Maybe there, the walls are white,
and invite every sound that was silenced
and attracted every one never found when
hidden behind fearful human mouths
I wonder what it feels like
if the words have a place to rest
and not have the burden of holding themselves in
when their creator wants to let them go,
I wonder if they know that they are strong,
or if they die before they understand.
I wonder where words go to die,
or if the ones that never come out,
were ever even alive.

I got to thinking about how you never think about me,
not once in eleven months or during our anniversary week,
does it make me weak to wonder where we'd be by now?
My throat would still ache from yelling and you'd still be down about how you're stuck in the city with no way out,
but it's funny how fast a year went by and that I still wonder if I cross your mind
when I know I don't,
I just can't accept that I was never more than a lesson to you,
one you never internalized.

a letter in messy script
a script with too few hits
a hit with too much smoke
a smoke with too few drags
a drag with too much hope
a hope with too few moves
a move with too much step
a step with too few directions
a direction with too much detail
a detail with too few truths
a truth with too much love
a love with too few touches
a touch with too much hand
a hand with too few shakes
a shake with too much promise
a promise with too few pinkies
a pinkie with too much trust
a trust with too few people
a person with too much love
a love with too few words
a word that never made it past a letter
a letter that told it all
everything, that never got sent

Where the **** did you go when I needed you?
I trusted you, opened up and bled in your palms,
we held hands for so long
I forgot what it felt like to
use my own, alone, to sculpt and shape the world around me.
I melted in your arms a few years ago,
I felt sparks.
The red beamed out of my eyes and I felt like a ******* superhero,
but it wasn't anger, never rage, it was something you created,
a passion for another person I can't seem to find anywhere else no matter how hard I look or what color I paint it in.
How could you let that happen? You just sat and watched as I crumbled into uneven pieces all over the sidewalk
for the world to see but just keep passing?
That's the funny thing,
you told me you would leave
and I didn't believe you,
I just kept trying until the day you did
and now I write letters I know you'll never read, love
I get it..




I wouldn't stay with me either.

Dear you,
Why do you do this at the worst times?
You know I have deadlines and a social life,
you know I made a schedule and was supposed to be on time.

How could you be so selfish,
making me stay in bed all day but then make my heart race as I knew I was late for everything I was to do before you convinced me to stay and rot?

You,
why won't you let me shower?
Why are you standing in front of the mirror telling me things that would shatter someone else but I have grown used to?
Where did you come from and how do I get rid of you?
I miss who I was before you came here every morning and sat on my chest until I stopped trying to fight it at all.

To you:
I'm sick of this.
It's been three days and you haven't let me eat but once I do you won't let me stop.
Will you ******* let me sleep already? I know you have a lot to say but today I cannot handle staying up and reading old prose I wrote when I was happy,
before you came back.

To you,
where did you go all this time and where did you stay?
Can you leave again and take with you the toxic habits you brought back?
Do you quench your thirst with wine because I never craved it until you came around again and now I cannot get the taste out of my mouth,
but what is worse is how I need that fuzzy feeling to feel okay
and I think that is your fault

You,
What is your goal and when do you plan on stopping?
because I'm tired.
I have used up all of my excuses and hurt everyone I love with my inability to muster up strength to ask for help but instead lash out at those who love me
or loved me

You,
you ruin relationships for me
no one wants to love me when you hang on my shoulders and deter people from seeing who I am when I stand up straight
it is for that that I hate you and I hope you know that you are not welcome,
I do not let you in thinking you have changed
but instead I let you in because I have not.
I lay here and rot and let you do this to me because it is the only consistent thing in my life
you are the only thing that keeps fighting for me once I've tried to push you away over and over

do you think that makes us good for each other?
I had a boyfriend who I left so many times and one day
he stopped coming back
I wish you'd do that.
Maybe then I could step forward instead of fall back.

Can you go the **** away?
I miss my friends
I miss the day, conquering it before noon and being able to say I beat you,
that I left you.
Instead you leave me for dead with mascara on my fingers from rubbing tired eyes 56 times in the last hour wondering when things will get better and if they would if I just stopped pretending like they already were
I hate sleeping until noon because you make waking up any earlier feel like a death sentence.
I hate you for making death look so beautiful and peaceful when you know **** well there are things on earth death will never touch
like those feelings you took from me too
untangible, but not untakeable
you made sure I knew you had the ability to steal them from me and
that I would not feel anything if you did not think it was okay
is this okay with you?

I'm so sick of you

I can't say that now and I'm writing this from the bed I haven't left in 3 days so how can I get strong enough to leave you?
won't you please,
just go away.

By the time I'd met you
I'd already kissed two boys.
I'd had my heart broken by one and had already given up on love.
I was 16.
When we got together,
I'd only known you for a month
But you had already captivated me.
For 144 weeks I'd already thought you were mine for life. You'd said it so many times, and you'd never lie, right?
I'd already forgiven you 26 times by the time you started lying just to see what I'd believe.
The way you made me feel alright was uncompared to anything new you convinced me was too scary

But I didn't feel like trying.
I'd already found true love
Even if it hurt me.

12 months in out of 32 and you'd already broken me 76 times saying words I still  hear in my head.

my bed is empty and you left me, already ready to forget me.

At 17 you said you'd already found true love.


Well what the ****?
Wasn't I done asking for pity already?
Weren't my scars healed already?
Wasn't my story over already?
Was I over it, already?

But you loved me, I already knew that.

You masked insults with reoccurring phrases
Coined already to make me feel sorry for crying over what you said
It was a joke, you'd already told me not to take it seriously
Why was I so sensitive?
Wasn't I over it already?


I don't remember when things got bad,
Maybe I had lost the ability to by the time they did because with you I'd already done so much wrong but thanked you for always being forgiving.

I Found myself lost.
Apologizing for feelings
I couldn't create if I tried
You said you loved me but created tides that pulled me by the ankles.
I'd taken swimming lessons already.

But they don't teach you how to swim or survive when you fall in love with drowning.



So I tried to swim
in the rough waters you drowned me in over and over again
You never saw, I'd always stay afloat for show,
But I'm drowning again
Already,


Already? You moved on
19 days for 3 years, already gone.
Already you filled the void
(You said I'd created)
With white noise because
How could you make the choice
To replace me for good? Already?
You spent years convincing me I needed to stay afloat, needed you to do so.
I can't bring myself to remove your clothes that have piled up
3 feet in 19 days
already.
I counted the ways in which you made me want to die
And tried to justify it by balancing it with the times you made me feel alive
But I stopped because 6 months in I'd already used all 10 fingers.

Tell me if you do the same for her.



Already.
Already you are happy
Smiling again.
The best you say you've ever been.
you float above waters
You'd already drowned me in.
But I'm so happy
You're all ready to begin again
With someone else.
While I'm struggling to heal myself and
Losing color as I stop myself from asking for your help.
You'd throw me a line if
You got praise for it
Or pull me in just to have me in your reach again
I know I need to do it already
When everyone on shore assures me I deserve more
But I'm still short of breath.
And look at you
Already free.
Happy
Already?
You are shaping waves
Ruthless- crashing to keep your name
The one I always remember
When I say in vain
"I'd already found true love by 16"
I can barely breathe,
so tell me why I already want you back again, drowning me again, already

By the time we met,
I had already kissed 3 boys,
And had my heart broken by one.

I had already given up on love.
I was 16.

When we started dating,
I had only known you for a month,
But you captivated me already.

For 144 weeks, I thought you were mine,
I figured it was for life.
You said it so many times and you’d never lie,
Right?

I had already forgiven you 36 times
By the time you started lying just to see what I’d believe.

The way you cradled me was uncompared to anything,
You convinced me everything else was too rough,
Too scary.

But I didn’t even feel like trying
I had already found true love, after all,
Even if it hurt me.

12 months in out of the 32 we spent together,
You had already broken me 76 times,
Those words still haunt my head,

My bed is empty,
You left me,
Already ready to forget me.

At 17 you said you had already found true love.


Well what the ****?
Wasn’t I done looking for pity already?
Weren’t those things on my arm healed already?
Wasn’t my story over already? You’d heard it already
I shoved my fingers down my throat just to purge up a “sorry”
I never stopped talking and
You’d already asked me to hurry.
Wasn’t I over it already?

But you loved me, I already knew that.

You masked insults with recurring phrases
Thought up already so you were ready to make me sorry about what you said

It was a joke! You already told me not to take it seriously.
Why was I so sensitive?
Wasn’t I over it, already?

I don’t remember when things got bad,
Or ever having the ability to recognize that
Because with you I’d swallowed enough pride to drown myself
From the inside out,
But you were always so forgiving.

I found myself lost,
Apologizing for feelings
You swore I made up but I could not create if I tried.
You said you loved me.

But your tides pulled me by the ankles.
I’d taken swimming lessons already,

But they don’t teach you how to swim when you fall in love with drowning.

So I tried,
To stay afloat in rough waters
I’d already drowned in, over and over again,
I’d tread for show so you could never see,
But I’m drowning again,
Already.


Already? You moved on,
In 19 days, for 3 years that are already gone.
Already, you filled the void we created ourselves,
With white noise because how the hell
Could you make the choice
To replace me for good already?
In the years you spent convincing me to stay afloat,
You made sure I knew I needed you to do so.

I can’t bring myself to throw out your old clothes,
The ones that have piled up 3 feet
In 19 days
Already.

I sat and counted the ways you made me want to die on my hands,
And I tried to justify that by balancing it with the times you made me feel alive,

But I stopped because 6 months in out of 32,
I’d already used all 10 fingers.

Tell me if you do the same for her.

Already, you are happy
And smiling again
You float above waters
I’m drowning in
But man, am I happy
You’re ready to begin again.
Already?
With someone else
As I struggle to heal myself,
Losing color as I stop myself from begging for your help

You’d throw me a line
If you got praise for it,
Or pull me in just to have me in your reach again.

I know I need to do it already,
Everyone on shore assures me
I deserve more.
But I’m still short of breath.

Look at you though,
Already free and happy.
Already?

You are shaping waves, ruthless,
Crashing tides to keep your name
The one I remember when I say in vain
I’d already found true love at 16

an ode to what I am not
convenient
or skinny
organized
or welcoming
an ode to what you beg of me
all of these things I cannot be,
I will not be not ever
forever is a long time
to spend bending
your image of me
into something
that fits in your wallet
an ode to what I am not
gentle, rose colored china
sunday mornings with herbal tea
your hope or step in your 12 to get up
a beam of light at the edge of blackness
an ode to what I do not possess
healing powers like some 2,000 year old man
you pray to every day and beg I do the same
patience for another human who whats to change
who and what I am not
so I can play the part
I did not even audition for
an ode to what I am taking
back, my life
all of me, front and center
of the floor

exit out of netflix because I don't want to be distracted
I sit with the burning feeling of missing you entirely
your body hair, your violent laugh, the way you kiss  my back,
I let these feelings in because they are all I have left,
I learned love when I learned your body, what made you tick,
what made you happy, what dug holes in the side of your mouth and planted seeds in my chest, I learned love like this was the best I would ever get,
and now I know it was,
I learned love with you, like brand new shoes that take time to feel right, but these were the kind you never take off once because your favorite band had signed them,
I learned love like making up from fights before we went to bed,
I learned love was missing someone when you are with them,
yesterday you asked me if it was bad that you had missed me,
I laughed it off and today I could not get out of bed because it
smelled like you and the night we both know we should not have had,
I miss you so bad,
I learned love like high, high, high, euphoria,
and then nothing all at once
and I learned that even after your heart is ripped from your chest you have to carry on, standing up,
because you still love me, and you are still watching,
and I want to make you proud,
I learned love like being loud about it, shouting from the rootftops that you were mine and that our forever was bursting at the sides,
I learned love like high, high, high,
and now it is nothing at all,
I learned love like Crashing,
Low, unbearable low,
Pain from laughing,
Low, low, low,
Missing you everywhere I will ever go

another time
you told me i was the reason
you didn't want to live
and i haven't felt
another way
other than pain
since

My stomach drops
My heart stops
And starts again
And stops again
Unsteady beating
My skin is peeling
My face is stinging
My hands are clinging
To anything that feels real
I'm breathing sharp air
My lungs feel heavy
My eyelids pulsate to a steady beat
I can feel every single drop of blood course through my veins
My stomach tightens
My fingers ache
I can't describe how this feels
Just please hold me until it's over

I remember my first panic attack like it was yesterday I was 17 laying in bed with the person that loves the boy I loved rather suddenly I didn't feel safe I blamed it on him because I didn't know what was happening I got mad so I started throwing things has your books and blankets because my arms are tingling and I couldn't stop couldn't shake that feeling that so petrified I slept with my mom and dad until I can finally feel my feet asking me what was wrong but I didn't have an answer everything nothing to do with it

Filling a void
I cannot identify
Trying to make meaning
of days wasted, afraid.
I waste away, waiting
I pray I am not as dreadful
as you used to make me feel.
Part of me used to laugh,
the thought of someone else
dictating how I felt sat lightly on
my lips and made them curl,
like pastel rose hips, I smiled,
no one would make me feel
anything,
but now I barely feel at all.

I know it hurts now
but hear me out
this year will heal your wounds
your scars will be flower beds
your pain I will be sunshowers
and you will be writing love pieces
by the time winter comes again

I know it hurts now
but hear me out
I promise it won't when you're with her
as she holds your scars like your favorite jar
picking up the pieces you left after dropping it
because you were too tired to pick them up yourself

I know it hurts now
but hear me out,
I promise it won't when you let her in

promise me you will let her sow her seeds
in your garden you let weeds take control of
last summer when you died inside your bed

promise me you will water her roses
and hold her hand when she plants
lilacs over pieces of land you didn't know could host life

promise me you will let her love you
because you need it more than you show
promise me you will love her back
and that together you will grow

I painted you a hall of pictures
bled you a museum full of art
and then you stole all the sutures
that I had sculpted for my heart.

My ribs are broken,
inside you pace,
cracking frames with each word spoken,
they put the ropes there for a reason,
to prevent the pieces from destruction

but they never made a rule to protect the viewers who were cracking
criminals who broke the bones barred on the door to come inside
without asking

Lie awake
Goodwill paintings
Cracked tea cups
Wet nose kisses
From your kitten
Smile big you made it
Bask in reality you feel it
Settling in your sodapop veins
Cotton candy cigarettes fill your lungs
You swung from playgrounds into motels
And I watched you dropping weight
Like a broken highschool vending machine
Taking time between each menthol drag to
Talk to God about missing Mom
I wonder if she misses you back
She left you a note in your art box
But it's been locked since that day
You'll open it some day
Some day

I am not a slave to cliches
Or to the chemicals
That bind my skin
To my bed frame
I am not a slave
To the have-beens
Or to TV dinners
halfway cooked
Eaten anyway
because I counted the calories
Already
I am not a slave
To the pain of waking up
In a foggy room
Where I cannot see the floor
I am not a slave
To myself
Anymore

I remember a year ago
like it was last night
and I was searching our empty fridge
for anything to fill the void I could
barely identify
I worked out for hours
and negated progress with
entire boxes of granola bars
and laying in bed for days
man, I remember like it was yesterday
but I forgot how much, in that time
I have changed

A year ago I begged for a reason to stay
Today, I create it every day
I talk to God in new and scary ways
A year ago, fear plagued my mind,
Today, I value time
for what it brings me in the form of healing
though it does not always look like so,
but, oh,
how I have changed

A year ago, my tank was empty and I was jaded
today, I fuel my body and am thankful
that with each choice I make from sunrise to set,
I can mold my life and make myself the best,

or better than I was a year ago, at least

I have bad habits,
and a good heart
the two never balance out beautifully
they don't fall in love like the first time,
when you're awkward and naive and sixteen,
on front porches and wired from caffeine,
they don't hold hands in July when it's too hot to think,
like lovers do at that age, eager to experience that innocent feeling
in color, over and over.
I have bad habits,
and a good heart; the former always wins,
they don't dance under autumn trees like lovers at 16,
they sting like the first heartbreak.
The kind of repurcussions that tip boats made to withstand
storms that even solid land could not endure,
I have bad habits and they make sure to show.
I have a good heart
but it barely matters
because what's a good cup
when the rest of your china is shattered
and even worse,
by your own actions.
I have a good heart, and bad habits,
the two don't balance or dance,
they bicker and bend.
I have a good heart,
but that's merely defense.

I could not tell you why
Or how
How many
Or when it starts
If it will end
But I can tell you one thing, dear friend
The aftermath is more detrimental than
Nuclear weapons at the hands of evil
Restrict, binge, repeat
The Devil himself spoon feeds my mind
Restrict, binge, repeat
Every time
Restrict, binge, repeat
It's a cycle that has swallowed me, too
I fear this will become my life
Or be there always
Haunting me to the grave
Restrict, binge, repeat

Please don't let yourself get mad
You break people around you while blindfolded
Please don't let the sadness manifest in ugly patterns that let you shatter smiles
Please don't let yourself get hot
You'll want someone to take it away
Your sting will hurt another's heart
You could have saved today
Please don't bleed cold blood on others
Whom have reached out warmer hands
You don't bleed honey, you sting and you leave
Please don't repeat his actions and please don't grieve
Anymore
He's not coming back

This is my body
Size 12, wiggle room
Jiggly thighs, 5’2
(And a quarter. It matters)
Overgrown roots blend
Into DIY blonde,
Somewhere in between
“Well kept” and “definitely depressed”
Acne scars, decently white teeth
Scar on my brow from that time I tried
Rollerblading into the sun, I swallowed the pavement on the way down. You can still see the cracks in my teeth, just underneath my laugh lines. I always tried to stay as positive as possible. No matter what.

This is my body, it holds memories like water weight.
Destined to burst, void of drains,
Man Made pores- formed from the inside out by cries for help that never surfaced.
Porous and calloused, found out that its purpose for a year straight was simply surviving.

This is my body. Flashbacks on a marquee, survivor’s hands painted nicely, so no one ever asked me why they were so *****, and broken, and ******.

This is my body
His dead skin under my nails,
Petrified.
Proof of a fight. scars on my arms
North of my elbow: survivor’s guilt in the shape of a Star, I spent last summer wishing night after night I wasn’t alive- I was so tired from pretending.

This is my body.
Latches like a leech to anything warm.
****** dry all of my loved ones in the year I spent spiraling,
searching for solace or sanity-
even safety. Found nothing but panic.
Nervous bird in a cage.
Narrow shoulders.
Boxer’s stance.
Dancing on the front line where I should have been to fight
Using my fists never worked.  
Neither did screaming “no, no, no”
Present until that very day. And now I lay silent.
Absent like a soldier, staring into space.
Trying to make sense of the shaking.


This is my body.
I have my mother’s eyes, her mother’s brain.
Black and white, strict like law,
Cemented in place for weeks at a time,
Then Moving at the speed of light, I cannot stop or I will die.
Creaky chest upside down, my stomach clings to my ribs.
Stand still until the room stops spinning
Or until my head stops hurting
And my legs stop shaking
And you stop when I ask you to stop
“This is my body” I whisper behind your hands as you steal all autonomy
I am left with nothing


This is my body.
He took it from me,
Did not even have to try to ruin my insides,
Did not blink an eye in the year I spent unraveling in front of everyone I loved,
Pulled out every lash I had, lost my job because of panic attacks,
But I am commanding it back.
I spent the last 6 months building from the ground up.
Spent the last 12 taking up the space I did not before.
The last 3 learning that it’s okay to.
I stopped apologizing in January.
I started yelling again in February.
It took that long to think anyone would ever hear me,
No one ever had.
This year I took my body back.
This is my body. Size 12, 5’2. Wiggle room.
Sometimes it can’t breathe right and shuts down in big crowds.
But this is my body and it is big and it is loud.
It takes up space, it is strong, it is pretty.
This is my body and for absolutely none if it, am I sorry.
Not a single part.

I'm b r e a t h i n g for the first time
Alive, what a surprise
The trees sing to me, I bask in their glory
I'm a piece of the universe, the universe is in me

I feel her when I'm b r e a t h i n g

build a bridge
so others can walk to you
and you won't drown no more
in waters that swallowed you before
so others may reach out their hands
and so that they may save themselves
build a bridge so you find help
no one can heal you
if they are tired from swimming upstream to

I have a picture of you,
23, surfing under our sheets to
Climb your way up my chest
Into the cavities that lay beneath,
Your teeth against my neck and your hands holding me,
I have a picture of you in my head
That plays across my brain every
Night and I am reminded again, and again
How good it is to love you the way I do
Raw and unusual and passionate and true

I think you loved me out of obligation
You needed a project, I needed salvation.

When roses grew between my lips and my place in your bed, you picked them and offered them to Someone else instead.

‪Please don’t forget me when you move on and you are happy again.

I know I caused you pain but we spent so many months laughing. ‬

It’s hard to imagine being whole without you now.

Most days I don’t think about you,
Some days I do. On those days I want to allow myself to feel everything for what we had, who we were, who I am now in comparison; I feel it all to compensate for the year where I didn’t feel a thing. All I knew was you. Not joy, not anger, motivation, fear. Only you. You were everything to me. I cower in regret.












I look back and compare what I have now to the laughter we shared. I used to cry. God, I’d lose it every night in my bed- the bed we shared for 365 straight days. I loved the you that I put on a pedestal. The you I met that first day at my workplace, the you that you wanted the world to see. The spontaneous, giving you. The romantic you. The intelligent, humble you. Charismatic, charming. Truthful. Lustful. Golden. These images play on a marquee and I weep because I know they are not realities.







I loved you with everything. I don’t know what you want the world to see now, but I hope with all of my heart you are happy. You never were when we were together and I always blamed myself. I could not save you. I tried until I ran out of life. You told me I was your burden to bear and I felt it in my chest, in my legs, in my gut, but not in my heart. I know that is not true. I know you have a martyr heart, I know I have a lot on my plate. You took willingly. Fed yourself from me every night. You preyed on my vices so that you might have reason to be tired. You were there for me. Through everything.  I hated you for saying that. It hurt so bad, I spent three days in the same position unraveling on the floor the night you told me you wanted to help me more than you wanted to love me. I’ll never forgive you, I carry that guilt around unwillingly everywhere I go. It’s a piece of me, I cast out to feel relief and I feel nothing. In my year of fear and darkness, you convinced me I had you until the end of time- In goodness and light and in suffering. You lied. The minute you had to stop pretending to be in love with me you took that opportunity and ran and the words that followed dug me hollow. I can’t forgive you for that, it hurts so bad. Still, to this day I repress all emotion in hopes the next one won’t run away, won’t fall to their knees and look up and say “thank you for making me this way.” I don’t know where to go from here, but I want you to apologize for being there at all if it was never genuine.

When you learn how to write they teach you
"show, don't tell"
to keep the mystery alive, to keep it vibrant, keep it flowing
They tell you keep it short and sweet, with details subtle enough to envision the beautiful girl you make the protagonist who beholds every quality you yourself are lacking but can compensate for in another, ficticious character.
And so you decorate her with
serendipitous flaws and stories that resolve once the page has turned
but as you type you lose who you are.
Show, dont' tell. So you make sure well enough that she glows so that all the readers know she is not hurting. You make sure her eyes beam and that her smile radiates so that no one knows you're breaking.
How do you show, and not tell, when the only thing you feel is yourself collapsing? How can you show that you feel nothing inside but outside remain alive and
how the **** do you show that you miss someone because they took so much of you when they left and tore the pages of you two out of their memory?
I cannot show that, I cannot tell that. And so I write.


You forget that what you did you cannot take back so you ensure
she does not make the same mistake unless the page reveals it was okay in the first place.
How we would **** for a story book ending as we beg for feelings that aren't pending, waiting for another reason to be happy that you cannot write back in

You discovered something as you wrote
you choose who hurts who
but in fact, you cannot choose who hurts you
so you write away the mistakes you've made
those ones you pretend you didn't
those ones that haunt you as you remember that
the person you once loved is gone forever
You finish a chapter hoping to forget that you are nothing but empty
writing does not fill you up
writing does not allow you to see deeper
it makes it easier for you to pretend that you do not miss him

It makes it easier to remember the nights you spent laughing as you make them into inciting incidents when in reality
they were tragic endings

Fall asleep to the sounds of the city
Fall asleep to your lips kissing me
What a way to wake up, in love again
The summer feels like it did at 13
But brighter and warmer, you here with me
Fall asleep to the sounds of my heartbeat
Fall asleep to your arms around me
What a way to wake up, in love again
What a gentle reminder of how it is to be in heaven

I want to hold your hand
And fill in your worry lines with
Permanent marker, make
Your bed just how you like it
And ruin it right after
I want to lay on your chest,
Talk in between laughter,
Laugh in between ***
Reorganize your desk and
Mess it up again with little
Sticky notes that let
You know
That I love you so much

I wanna make you lunch
But not because you can’t
Make it on your own,
I want to spend my free Time
Making my heart into your home