How am I supposed to say no to my addiction
If I don't even have the strength to get up?
When I see no future in any direction?

How am I supposed to control myself
When I see no point in living?
When my life loses all meaning?

How do I say no?

Where am I?
The real me has disappeared
Invisible to the naked eye

I stared at the mirror for my reflection
But there was nothing there
Where have I gone?
I can't find myself anywhere
No matter how much I search

I'm afraid
What if I never find myself?
How far has the real me strayed?
The only remnants of the real me is in a photobook on the book shelf

Sometimes I look at those photos and cry
What was I like back then?
I guess I'll never know  

In the meanwhile I'll play pretend
Mimic the faces of the girl I used to be

I'm sorry, younger me
For not fighting hard enough
To save you mentally
From all this painful stuff
That was done to you at such a young age
From someone that you trusted

I'm sorry I didn't scream for help
When he was abusing you
I'm sorry for not fighting back
For just laying there in shocked silence
As he touched your rack
I'm sorry for not being strong enough
To push him off your tiny body
I'm sorry for everything
That he has done to you
Younger me
I am so, so
Sorry...

I have forsaken you again, my Lord  
All because I was insatiably bored
I took Your precious book
And burned every word
With the blazing fires of my sin
And the ashes of guilt that come after
Lord, how can I win?

Satan loves my state of hopelessness
So he will continue to mess
With every single part of my life
And destroy me until there's nothing left

But you see
The blame must be put on me
To blame Satan for my own choices
Wouldn't be the right thing
So I will take these sins of mine
And atone for them
Until my soul takes up a shine

Cigarette smoke
Burns my lungs
Inflames my memories
Flying embers
Drop on the cement
That you stood on
When you blew smoke into my face
I couldn't even cough
Because your burned my throat
With your cigarette ****

I am deaf, blind, and mute
Though that's untrue, physically speaking
I still feel it deep within me
Blinding my eyes from truth
From reality
Deafening my ears from hearing others' encouraging words
And their feelings of warmth and love
Muting my replies and true thoughts
From ever springing up
To prevent me from prying my fingers off the cusp of this palpable insanity
Ah, this addiction is overwhelming

I need a moment
Just one second
Of truth to burst in and scream into my ears
Crying and begging me to come to my senses
Reminding me of the past failures
And how I said this time would be different
Just one moment of honest truth
But, you see, I'm deaf
I can't hear anything

Edging on this addiction
Knowing I'll fall
And have to start all over
I just need a moment...
A brief time of clarity
To open my eyes
So I can see clearly
That all the excuses I'm spewing out are lies
A memory I can view
Something that jogs my memory
And reminds me of why I wanted to stop in the first place
But you see...
I'm blind
I can't see even this truth that lies right in front me

The addiction is winning
Knocked me out so hard
My head is spinning
I need to convince myself to escape this battle
Its power is so terrifying
And I can't even speak
I choke out pleas
But they are unintelligible
The addiction hears nothing
And nor do I
But I need just a moment...
Of someone's words to recite
To clear my mind
And be who I was before I commited this sin
Please, I beg of you, Me
Speak, speak, speak!
But I am mute
I can't say a single thing...

...

Oh, what a tragedy
To be deaf, blind, and mute

Everyone tells you to never give up your dreams
But I am one of those dropouts
Of that philosophy it seems
I used to repeat that inspiration in my head as I drew
Pictures and pictures of things I decided were not good
At least not good enough to achieve my perfect future Where everyone is in awe of my work
And gushes about me over and over

I decided that my paintings would have to remain in the garbage
Where I believed they deserved to be
Because I had a shortage
Of belief in me
And what I thought I could be
I need money to survive
So I'll give up what I love
For a life of financial consistency

But whether or not my dreams ever come to fruition
I'm going to say what everyone else did
And tell my children and grandchildren
To never give up their dreams
While I throw away my last paintings and drawings in the trash
I pray that they will get what I never had
A dream that came true
And a job they love to do

"You're not depressed," your ignorant mind speaks
Telling me there's no proof
Not a single piece of evidence
That I am depressed

Excuse me?
What proof is necessary?
Do you want me to ramble on about the days I cried alone
In my bedroom comforting my own?
Do you want me to discuss the many ways I harmed myself?
I cut, I scratched, I picked at my flesh
I bit, I smacked, I punched myself
Bruising my skin so sore
That I felt it as I walked

Do you want me to tell you about my suicidal ideation?
Thoughts and prompts of firearms, pills, and suffocation
And how to use it effectively
On myself?

Do you want me to tell you how worthless I felt?
That I punished myself for every tiny mistake
And never felt worthy in others' presences
That I can hardly keep eye contact
Because I'm so self-conscious?

Tell me, what proof do you need?
Because I know **** well
I'm depressed
I feel it pulsing through my mind, heart, and soul
I feel it picking at my heart
As if I'm an instrument
I feel it with every thought
That comes to my mind
I feel it with every step I take
And every breath I inhale

How is that for evidence?

You can spend time on your iPad
At any time you please
But you can't with your Grandma and Grandad
You know that he and she's
Getting older
And only older they'll get
So if you can
Make sure to visit them

When you are old and gray
And wait
And pray
That someone will come
To take your loneliness away
Remember and realize
That back then this scenario was the same
When you left your Grandparents' house
And they stood there in pain
Just thinking
"When will they come again
To ease our lonely hearts
To make us smile
Even as our bodies slowly fall apart?"
And they wait
And they wait
And they wait
Until it is too late
For you to visit once more...

Please, I beg you
Visit them as much as you can
That last visit
Might be your last time with them
Even if you're shy
Sit there and listen
Even if you're busy
Somehow make some time
Even if they are cranky
Always be kind
Realize nobody is perfect
And that everybody feels
A loneliness that can never be healed
Until a hand reaches out
And holds their hand tight
And keeps them company
Through the night

I'm sorry that I wasn't there
To hold you when you needed comfort
I just refused to believe that you could ever die
But now here I lie
Eye to eye
With the buddy I swore to stand by
Dead
On the ground
No longer alive
I held her paw tightly in my hand
Staring at her dull eyes
Not ready to confront the truth
That my best friend had died
I tell her I love her
As if she were still alive
And apologize for not being there
But all she gives me a blank stare

I pretend not to care
That she can no longer wag her tail
Or lick my cheek
To give me the comfort that I need and seek
Finally a tear begins to leak
And seeps into her fur
With which I used to sleep on
On those boring days
Which are now gone
Lost as hazy memories
Give them back to me!
I didn't realize how lucky I was
For every day I had with her
I curse myself for not taking the time to play with her
Or getting off the computer
To show her how much I really love her
With belly rubs and big bear hugs
I'm sorry that I wasn't there

I'm sorry
I'm sorry
Please come back
So I can do the right thing  
Pick up the slack
That selfishness brings
As I beg you for forgiveness
My mother comes around
And tells me that the time is now
To bury you deep in the ground
I squeeze your paw tighter
And tell you good-bye    
Stand up from the ground
And watch you getting carried away
I can't bear the thought of watching you get buried
So I run upstairs and cry
Into my pillow
Wondering why I wasn't there
To hold your paw
While you were hurting
Lady, when you took your last breath
I hope you knew
Despite the fact I wasn't there
I did and always will
Love you

The very phrase of
“How are you?”
Is more of a habit
Than it is out true interest
And concern
Strangers and people you don’t know well
Ask you this
And the instant reply,
you know this is true
Is, “I am good. And how are you?”
They answer the same
And that’s the end of the game
But there is a time where that answer can change

A family member
Pats you lovingly on the back
You look at each other
And the love and closeness between you
Is so strong
it can be felt
Out of habit, they ask
“How are you?”
And for a moment
You really want to—
You really, really want to tell the truth
That life has gotten worse
That you are depressed and can’t move on
That every day you’re in pain
Oh, sadness! What a terrible curse!
But instead, you say,
with the most fake-*** smile,
“I’m good. And how are you?”

Body hunched over a bed
Trembling and sweating against the covers
She is trying her hardest to mend
The painful memories overwhelming her
Memory after memory
Traumatizing her completely
Into a coma in which she walks around lifelessly
Thinking of absolutely nothing
But what had been done to her

Have you ever had lives
In your hands?
Every choice you made
Would affect them
Either way

I have lives in my hands
I hold them on opposites ends
I want them both to be safe
But both of their safety
Can’t exist in the same place
I strip one of their freedom
Gifting them a rusted chain
And forcing them to stay
While the other flourishes
And I water them with love every day

I see the chained one lying down
I can hear their crying at night
My heart squeezes until it bursts
I can’t even describe how much it hurts
I look down at the flourishing one
And take away their water
And worry if that one day
Was the day that it would matter

The chained one
Now free, rests in my lap
They love me
And cling to me
Happy that they’re no longer lonely
But then the flourishing one wilts
And I can’t save them
Their very roots are dead
It is all my fault
I hold their corpse to my chest
The chained one then dies
They must exist together
But they can’t both exist
Happy and free

I'm sorry I don't laugh like you think I should laugh
I'm sorry that I'm not as smart as you in math
I'm sorry that I'm not going down the right path

In your eyes all you see
Is a complete failure that is me
If only
You could **** me out like all the other
flaws you've taken out

I won't doubt
That you know a lot
So take your shot
I used to fight but I promise this time I won't  

So pick out all the mistakes you see
Then I'll only be perfect in your eyes
I swear this time I will not cry
So keep on going
Keep on throwing insult after insult
So after this assault
I'll be perfect like you want me to be
But don't be surprised when you realize I'm no longer me

Red looks pretty

On my body

Let it drip all around

Till I get sleepy, yes, sleepy
  
My eyes start to shut

Is it finally over?

Has my knife done its deed?

How much did I bleed?

I fall lower into the bathtub

Giving myself an arm rub

Checking my hand

I know it is done

I breathe my last

And welcome God's Son.

Pure, sparkling orbs
Tiny feet dancing in circles
And a smile which stretched from ear to ear
All of these childish traits disappear

The innocent orbs which had sparkled with delight
Dulled at the end of the night
And the feet which trailed from room to room
Drooped down from her bed in gloom
And her smile, oh, that dazzling smile
Hasn't been seen for quite a while

What has stolen this girl's sense of curiosity?  
What has made her mobility a tragic disability?  
And what has made her smile turn into a frown?
This girl's world has turned upside down!

But from what you may ask?
She won't tell you no matter how much you press her
In defense, she puts on a mask
Collapsing from the pressure
Of feeling like everyone is watching her              
Expecting her to fail
But she tells herself she will prevail
Despite the fact that she was hurt
From wandering hands
She knows that God has plans
For even the most tortured of souls

I look at the mirror
Completely disgusted
My face is too clear
It should be busted

So I punch my cheeks
And yank out my hair
One of my many self-harm streaks
Should I even dare?

A pair of scissors
Right below my fingers
Should I pick it up
And if I do, where should I cut?
I look around my body
And find my arms empty
Of much needed punishment
So I attempt to cut my flesh

But I couldn't bring myself
To break through my skin
So I put the scissors back in
And cried again
Begging for some kind of help
But I never got it
And I never will

When I smelled nicotine
I knew you were there
Holding my body down
You crushed my ribs
I could barely breathe
Much less with my squeezed lungs
Scream

Can anybody hear me
Behind this glass that seals me
From ever, ever feeling
Anything at all?

I watch myself put on a tough front
Fake smiles are an easy stunt
They come so naturally now
Even though there's no feeling to them

My laughter peels out perfectly now
You can barely hear the strain in my voice
That any joy for me is a choice
To protect those around me
From ever discovering how I really feel
On the inside
Where I hide
All my pain

My only gain is that, you're all blissfully happy
Never knowing my suffering
Just continue laughing
And living
And I'll continue surviving

"Why are you so stupid?"
I'm sorry
I really tried to understand it

"Even pre-schoolers know how to do this!"
I'm sorry
I don't know what it is
To me
It's just a blurry image  

"It's like I'm talking to a wall!"
I'm sorry
I'm trying to understand it all
But it's just mush
In my mind

"You don't know how to do this? I've already taught you this! How could you forget?"
I'm sorry!
I'm sorry!
Please teach it again
It just won't stick in my head!

"You don't know something as simple as this? Come on!"
I'm sorry
My mind must be gone
I'll try to remember this time
I swear

"They're so stupid."
(I'm sorry)
(I'm really trying...)
(I'm really trying to understand)

"I don't know why they can't just understand. It's so simple!"
I'm sorry
It's not a simple matter for me
It's a jumble of words
That make no sense to me

I wish I could be smart
But all I'll ever be
Is an idiot
I get it
Now I see
Leave this fool
I'll never get it anyway

Time flies by
Faster than my eye
Can see
But I don't have the energy
To even get up every morning
Or even to do any small, insignificant thing
That everyone else does within a second

To breathe
To open my eyes
To even blink
To my surprise
Is far too taxing
On my mind

So I just sit and pretend that I'm
somewhere far more nice
Until that day where that dream becomes a reality
Overwhelming grief will soon be joy
All my tears will soon be dry
And when I die, I'll be with God

Finally happy

Finally happy

When I was twelve
I lost myself
And ever since I've been searching for the pieces that fell
Unsuccessful in finding a single piece
I gave up and abandoned me
But the real me is still waiting
Hoping that I didn't give up
If you can hear me, I'm sorry but I'm leaving
I just can't find a reason
To keep looking
I'm just so freaking broken
So I'll just sit and wait
For death to take me away
And when it does
Please tell me what it was like
To be me, the real me
Not this debilitating tragedy
Which since day one
Has blinded me

It doesn’t matter how much time passes by
Days, months, and even years will pass
But I... I will still be right here
Right in the same place
Where I lost everything

Time does not heal wounds
It only gives you more time to dwell on the pain
I’m sorry
I truly am
But even if I’m pushed
Even if I’m drowning in fortune and love
I will still be here
Waiting
Waiting for everything to somehow—
somehow turn back
And give me a different story
But until then
I’ll be here
Waiting

What’s wrong with me?
I can’t do anything they can do
And they do it so easily
It doesn’t help that they reinforce this inferiority
By telling me constantly
that which is wrong with me.


They mock  
And they laugh
What a worthless joke I am  
Still living at home
Watching the time go by
Remaining in the same place I was left years ago
Still don’t have a driver’s license
Or even a job
I sit in my bed
And let the painful memories flood in
It’s a shock I’m not dead
How have I not committed suicide yet?
They can mock me if they want
I’m already numb
To the cruelty of humankind

You ask what’s wrong with me
with that arrogant nature
Your smug expression
wrinkles your painted face
To put down another for their flaws and disabilities ...
I should be the one asking
What is wrong with you?

Mommy, did you know
That your little girl died at only twelve years old?
Her body remains
But there is no longer a soul
Someone had murdered her spirit
And it took quite the toll
But she'll never reveal it
Who had done it to her

Mommy, did you know
That even though your little girl is dead
She watches from her safe house
Where there is no pain and dread
She watches her shell of a body
With dull, impure eyes  
Walking around like a zombie
Searching for a reason to this life

Mommy, did you know
That your little girl loved you so much
That in order to save you from the pain   She took the fatal punch?