everytime a new piece of me is found after much digging
i grieve for all the forms i simply cannot be.

for the almost boy who thought he could be anything,
the harsher truth is found in relinquishing infinites.

i am but a sum of pieces, moving around, evolving,
yet also the difference of all that doesnt make me.

my ***** hands which loathe doors that must stay locked,
they too shall never know peace, shall always hold grief.

in the cities at night,
only few wander,
we took a risk then, right ?
a one time wonder,

so close to your hand,
but i didn't dare touch it,
said i'd loved you and
wasn't quite the right fit.

looking at the ground,
you admitted the secret,
took a while to be found,
shooed under your carpet

you'd loved me just the same,
and hadn't really stopped since,
couldn't stay quite so tame,
made me feel like a prince.

in this city that night,
we were the few to wander,
didn't take the risk then, right ?
but no longer we wonder.

if you can't be happy yet its okay,
i have enough happiness for two,
i'll simply share with you.

you are the person i have loved the most strongly,
the most intense highs, the lowest lows
i love you, feel protective of you,
anywhere you go, i want you to find
loving words and loving hands,
so obviously, take mine first, they wont ever leave,

then find all that you can find,
i trust the world to treat you as kindly as you wish it.

the words come easy
when they are about love
they float around me,
and my mouth speaks
before i can regret letting out
all that i hold inside of me
the light and the beauty
spilling out
im shy.

we lay down in your bed,
but this time
my teeth pull the words back
my throat is on fire
so much of it
burning
why aren't they floating
i want to
tell you
show you
the love choking me up
im scared.

until my lips
stop trembling
until my hands
are brave enough to
hold us in their warmth
will you wait for me
I'll come back
with every
word and every
phrase
and every
tiny bit of longing
i swallowed back
for us,
i won't let all of it
disappear inside me,
not this time,
i love you.

thinking about holding your hand as i walk,
its cold out, so
could you press your cheek against my neck
tell me not to leave just yet
tighten your arms around me
cage me in your warmth,

when did i let myself
slip so far under your skin ?
and
can i stay there

at first i was the side dish, the banquet was full with only you two and i did not understand your spark. i was in love with part of the meal and your addition left me feeling hollow, jealous, and lost. i thought, what am i bringing to the table. what am i.

then, we tried to be tied together, through sheer force of will. she loved me and she loved you, and why not bring two planets together and create a whole system, and who else but her can be strong enough to move comets. and so we moved, didn't collide at first, i admit. back then i was still lonely and scared, still hated myself more than i realized. i liked you enough to stay, but i didnt like me enough to try. so the planets turned, and the creator waited, and me, i found other stars to play with.

i don't remember much about how it went. i know you tried so hard to make me speak, and i barely did. i was too far gone in my own head back then, couldn't stand existing around people without having a meaning. but you tried. and i ended up speaking. the planets, they have hearts too, but the rock is so thick, the core so protected, layers and layers and layers..

at some point, it got too much to be alone, probably. i was okay with it, because i've been alone so long and all i needed was to find me.
but you, you couldn't take it. the creator offered you something so brave and then got it back piece by piece. this is what hurt you the most, right ? the replacement. the second place. you can't stand it, to be tossed aside. but i saw it in you then ; the planet's core. and i wanted so badly to touch it.

we turned and turned, around each other, planet to planet, alive. you needed a rock, and i was solid enough. you didn't love me yet, i think, but i loved you already. i fell into your orbit, didn't realize the fall would hurt. the comfort i brought you ended up hurting me back. i wasn't the banquet, i wasn't the galaxy, the creator, the first hand to reach for you, i wasn't grand, wasn't bright, wasn't enough for you. but i tried so hard. i tried so hard and i lost myself in it. i became the replacement meal, not as good as the first, not as alluring, but it feeds you, right ? it's good enough to settle hunger. not the best, i know, but the only one who stayed.

and so it went. i was hurting. for one reason or the next, my orbit is always a chaos and you just added to the mess. i saw your core, but could not understand how it loved. surely, it could not love me. but i was wrong, i know now. you loved me for me. what i gave you, it was me too. and the orbit we danced around, it was ours, and not yours only. opened my heart to you, served on a platter, and waited for you to give me yours too.

we did collide then, didn't we. i was the galaxy, pulled you in, held you close, protected you like you protected me. we burned too bright, blinded everyone around us. it's okay, they'll watch and learn, they will. i told you i loved you first, and waited for you to be ready. the waiting used to be so hard, but i trust you now, and i trust me too, you see the galaxy in me and i do too, just like i see in you.

i'm afraid now. not for us, stupid lovebirds that we are, because i will never stop chosing to dance in our orbit. no, i'm afraid for you. i want everyone to love you as much as i do. i want you to love them too. i hope you will. i hope your heart soars, lets the stars out and shine brighter than any sun. hope we grow and expand and love,
even more.

i feel good here, like i would like to usurp
his life and nest in it instead,
steal his habits, crafty hands,
bask in his kindness
and feel what warmth lies
inside of his body.
what do you dream about ?
i wonder how easier it truly
would feel, as you.
the rewards with no work,
how does it truly feel ?
i know your comfort had a cost, greater
than i could ever pay,
and the rest is simply your mind,
an artist
in the flesh and bone,
and i forget myself.
i envy you,
it fuels me,
thankful.

i wanna touch your body and make it mine
mold your chest into my chest, steal the curves of your shoulders,
i want the angles of your hands, the strong lines of your jaw,
rebuild myself with the clay He could have chosen to give me,
but gifted you with instead.

when the wind pierces through
my skin, gently,
mouth resonating, I sing.

teeth crackling, rumbles of words
pieces of answers, pieces of mind,
little melodies, I speak.

winter, your harsher airs
creeping through my soft tissues,
bones lonely, I mute myself.

fingernails peeling off, shaking,
puking my insides, cold notes,
cold loves, cold leaves,
cold fears, I shrink.

and when the world around us stopped spinning
i'm glad you were here with me, holding on.

when our hearts started beating too loud for our bodies to keep on
at least we were two,
and my bed, warm like a hug made it easier
to breathe with you.

do you hate when i love other people, not
a jealousy about possession,
but one about wishing for things you just don't allow
yourself to have,
and then seeing them everywhere around you like
it cost nothing.

do you want me to get
even closer,
but are just too afraid to voice it yet,
do you want me to tell you just how much
i long for you even when you're here,

i see you but
what do your eyes hold inside
that i just can never reach.

even stars get tired
when their stupid brains won't work and their broken hands can't follow
i soar so high all the time that the fall
******* hurts, you know.
please hold me in your hand before i crumble,
i'm tired of having to do it all
by myself,
star's exhausted, doesn't shine anymore,
just needs to lay down
for a while,
please just let me breathe.

every morning and every night
i feel homesick
alone on a bed of concrete
i daydream about a plane and a crowd
of foolish friends hugging me back
every step i take out of the room
makes it all better, i know,
but what about the moment i fall asleep
unheld and unfound,
i wish someone would come free me.

the rice was good i wanna die in my bed
tired of being sad and lonely
wish i were a little bun in an old oven
gettin crisp crisp crispy

oo yea

little bun
wish i were a little bun
warm me up
eat me, find me good,
i can die now
in my little bun bed
crisp

I was writing you words of love, thinking it would be sweet and beautiful
Because that's what love is, isnt it
Took my pen and papers and started inking the pages

But my words were not as kind as I expected
Instead I wrote about
Fearing I would never be enough for you, because when you shine so bright
Surely I can't be anything but dull.

I thanked you for
bearing with me, because I was hard to know
and I thanked you for your patience
in front of my self loathing
and for your will to stay
when clearly I was too much or not enough
both at once.

So I tore down the letter.
Why were these words the only ones that came to me, why does love hide so many
ugly truths
I don't want them to be the only traces left of us

So, someday, I will tell you instead,
and my letter will only be the candid,
the beauty.
And the raw, devastating parts of
loving someone so much it hurts,
I'll hold on to them a little bit longer.

Because I'll grow out of hating myself,
But I wont grow out of loving you.

When we touch I let myself be held,
let my body rest in your warmth, protected.
I show you the most vulnerable part of me,
the one that is small and quiet, soft.
I let you near
the crevices in my bones
the beating drums in my chest
the wreckage of desires I refuse to see for myself.

But when I hold somebody else,
someone I should love the same,
someone I should want to touch in a more intimate way than I want to touch you,
someone who could be a lover,
the feeling is not the same.
I protect. I witness the pliant animal that is her body, safe in my hands,
but it's not the same.

I miss you,
I imagine your arms instead.

I cant go to sleep
I swear I want to, swear I try, swear I did all the steps right
But you know what

There is only one body in this bed
And it's mine,
And it misses you
And it wishes it did not have to.

Driving at night and watching the city lights flash by,
Going to the lake and napping in the sun, the water quiet just to let us sing,
Walking when it gets dark and not caring about the morning to come,
Watching flocks of birds departing for far far away,
Breakfast with my mom outside while the air is still as fresh as the grass,
Those nights we wanted a huge feast and ended up being too many to fit in tiny kitchens,
My body breaking to the music in crowds,
Bus rides that made my *** hurt for hours,
Sleeping in on sundays, knowing i'll walk to school when the next cold day comes,
Chosing to live everyday,
Not simply existing because I have to hold on for later,

But mostly what i miss is family,
and freedom.

Lately all the words I write,
and all the things I draw,
and all the love I let spill out,
Theyre all about you.

I'm so exhausted, man !
So tired of loving you.

One day you'll find someone,
And that day I'll see what you were to me,
and what I was to you.

But now all I know is that
Every **** word, every last thought,
About you.

in the waves of any river i search for you,
on tennis courts and the old bricks of those crippled houses,
in the harmonies ancient trees make when they meet in the wind,
in the souvenirs of your crinkled hands, working their magic peeling tomatos off their branches,
i discuss you fondly, i see you vividly,
mother of my mother,
like an old love,
a decayed photograph of childhood and
loud kisses on my cheeks.

as i grow and search for a home,
the only one i wish to hold kindly in my arms is
the house of memories built upon your shoulders,
i used to be scared of its ghosts before i learnt about
the passage of time and,
the love it leaves behind.

all the faces full of paint, nailed to the walls,
the abstract shapes of your most prized possessions,
copies with the wrong colours, the lines so thin i thought they would disappear if i looked tightly enough,
unearthed mysteries for the child  i still was.

you were the first to make me breathe out life.
you gave me all the poetry i hold inside.

This journal,
Like a home,
Four years
in the womb.
I despise
What you hold
But I'm glad
You took it
from my hands.

stop being sad about what you can't do yet,
work hard, be better but don't
break your own back.
getting to the top isn't worth the sorrow
you give yourself.

you don't exist alone, your pain is theirs too,
so love you like you love them
and walk as far as you can
your legs will hold your struggles
and push you to whatever it is
that you want.

and even in the highs, the lows still linger
i told you i loved myself but i'm not made of magic
my skull is thick but still,
it cracks open

i can fool me and you and them but
i have bones wrapped in twenty years of self hate,
and what is loving yourself if not screaming at mirrors and pictures and empty hands

so, please darling, sweet honey, i know i said i was okay
but dont let your words cut sharper than the blades i already plunged through my own **** skin.

used to feel so alone when you were two,
felt like i was the dust on your shoes
while you kept on walking.
i'd settle on the pavement and ask
why am i here, with you,
but barely breathing.

nowadays i'm the one pushing you
to be two again,
because you love and love them
and i love you both too.
running all three together,
that's what i reached for all along,
the rest is up to you.

so tell me how you love me,
how deep it runs, what color it makes,
because i don't really know
what i am to you,
and i wish i could look in your eyes
and trust their story,
but our spark and my novelty
will fade away someday,
and what will stay of us then,
will you still hold me close
and love me just the same ?

I've made a home inside for you,
left you the key, the lock and presents too,
know you already have your own heart to care about,
yet remember that mine can beat for you
if you allow it to.

there's something a little bit heartbreaking about
never have been desired before.
does my skin repulse you,
is it the nose, the roundness of my cheeks,
the shaved hair, the hairy legs, the colors i'm proud to bear,
or is it the way i can't be held in a cage.
i am queer.
why is loving me a rebel act ?

it's not quite summer and i feel like a fridge
holding on to every fruit and tomato lying around,
protecting them from the harsh rays of the sun
keeping them fresh away from the annoying flies lazing around the kitchen

store all your greasy little remnants of food in my belly,
give me all your forgotten leftovers,
no gift is a waste to me, pretty fridge that i am, I'll cherish them all like cold little treasures.

and when i get *****, when the glass stops being shiny,
the stains like flower fields on every single one of my walls,
the colors or the fruits not so sweet anymore,
i know that i won't be pampered, won't be held precious like an infant,
the plates will still be stacked, the paint will still peel off,
i feel like that summer fridge, yes,
unable to help myself.

i wanna untangle myself from the ashes of the world
we are too rotten to be grateful
horrid little creatures of the land, stomping on it, spitting on it,
too putrid to deserve the right to make amends.

it's raining today.
i can't see it, though the raindrops creep in under my skin,
water flooding me from inside,
where was i going with this except that the drops
are asking questions about things i was so sure of, until now.
what am i to you.
what am i to me,
isn't rain supposed to cleanse ? i'm still so *****.

what does it feel like to be human
where does difference melt into companionship
how many bridges will i continue to burn,

     why do i exist
             in this small, small frame
                        when will i be enough
                                                                      as me.

i could've loved you at your worst, but you didn't want it,
me,
not polished enough, words ripping at your skin,
molded into your clay, would you have stayed ?

through every winter that i hear your name
i stand in worry that your hands will grow cold,
hoping your voice won't falter,
that you'll only meet people who matter.

there is your pain etched into my very bones,
nights spent listening,
days spent lingering,
tomorrows that will haunt me even when your breath
disappears entirely.

i do not miss you,
in millions of needles, i still fear you,
when your face rises in my mind,
love isn't my first thought,
and yet,
yet,
i would wish you better than all the other times,
would ask the world to quiet down,
would beg my mother to forgive you,
would scrape any piece left of my love
to feed you.

you couldn't understand, you couldn't see.
i forgive you for your worst,
i will let you be.

i saved a picture of you in my phone a while back
saw it and got angry
how can you be so pretty? i wondered
thought it was jealousy, for your beauty and your strong shoulders, and the shimmers over your eyes,
now i realize i was probably just gone all along.
a match of attraction and
bitterness, admiration,
and love,
and being too ****** queer about it all.

"i love you !" i say as i tear myself open
with how much i still think you don't love me back like i do
what a clown i make,
what a sad excuse for a friend
not to tell you i was so insecure about us,
that i'd rather cry on the way home than in your house.
i won't apologize for feeling,
but i'm sorry for lying.

coming to the realization that if i could let myself die slowly, i would,
was the worst christmas present i could give myself.
there comes a moment where you are so miserable that you can't even pity your own **** self,
self hate is so stupid,
so time consuming and egotistical,
and yet i cant stop it. i can't shut it up.
i am an ugly child, and i
don't remember how to live like an adult
when the world around me crumbles and cannot hold me up
anymore.

teach me how to live again, i beg you
forgive me for my impatience and tie me up
    into a better creator, a well rounded friend, any-
    Thing. please, correct me, hold my body right.
time has left me to be all alone in a crowded world,
each of my synapses betraying my will to move
    inside it, surrounded by other fools surviving on
    empty. just like me ! are you just like me. am i
Alone. am i
alone, love, am i alome. love. am i alove. am i alone.
i am alone. i am alone.
Alone.

veins and bones and flesh and stones and
breathing ******* the sidewalks when my lungs've decided to give out
how long have i been hiding
choking this part of me
its growing out, out
flesh and veins and bones turnin stones
cant be like other kids my body's broke

like cutin off my limbs
feel one but live as two,
cant let you win this one,
i'll be me before you
magic in my hands,

i'll let it shine through.

am i attracted to you or
the idea i have in my head that looks exactly the way you do
is it your hands i want going up my back to hold my head and kiss me like you mean it
or is it just some other hands
are they my body's desires or mine,
and are they yours too,
i wonder.

what the **** am i supposed to do with all the stars inside me,
begging to get out and light up the whole ****** world but
i am tiny, like dust,
and burning from the inside isn't
the way i thought i'd live.

sometimes i dont know why you keep me around,
i feel like all my words bring you is bitterness,
as if by telling you about how much love i receive from friends who don't bring you quite as much
i will only leave you thirsty for water you were given once but
was taken back too harshly for your
delicate hands.

i love you, and i hope you see it,
that you feel it every single time i breathe but
what good am i if i only bring you sorrow.
please, tell me,
how many times have i hurt you,
and why won't you let me go then.

we are in a car
she's driving and you sit in the front
we were two on this road, now we're three
she offered to drive us home and it was sweet
we said yes, laughing, happy to skip the bus part
we are in her car,
it's dark outside but the city's alight
and i feel my body shimmering too, happy,
relaxed
music and whispers and laughters a bit too loud for the night,
maybe i didn't quite know how it felt to be loved before you.

When I look at you at night I think
God, why did you make him,
Just to please me or haunt me ?
I don't know if having you or being far would hurt more
I don't know if my body could stand the hurricane of your skin on mine, or if it would burn itself without it.

What can a man do but love you, what can I do but want you,
Because I 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘵 you.
I need to touch the neck that keeps your head high and thank it,
I want to feel your hands on my face, reverent, like they never want to leave
Want to hear your voice crack when I touch you,
Your whispers, your moans, the deep notes it would sing when I let you unravel under me,
I want it so bad, I would accept anything.
Even a second of it. Even less than that.
Anything from you, God do you hear my plea, anything from you.