Coming soon

I got 0 confidence
0 u say
Plz I feel good about myself
Ur over  urself
0 would mean I would
Self harm I don't
Even think of that

There a few things I need to say, and this isn't a poem. its more of a letter or a ***** out. I have seen the crap you post. I don't get u *** u act like u were some innocent victim. Im some horrible lying **** who broke ur heart. ***? Let me say my dear boy that I have loved u from day one and I still do. ur the one whos got this anti -me thing going for no reason *** ur afraid of letting your true feelings be felt and delt with. I may have said a fib or two when we spoke online the first time but at least everythg I said then wasn't a complete lie unlike others...... I don't hold that against you. I don't bring that up to you and talk **** about it. You seem to think that just because I didn't ever say I loved you that I didn't... it was so hard for me not to say it or to try and not feel it *** of her sitting in your bed each nite. that's why I didn't ask you stuff *** I didn't want to seem like I was being all nosey and being all in your business. you didn't ever say so I didn't ask. I figured if you wanted to tell me you would. I didn't want you to think I was trying to know your all of ur personal ****. I tried so hard to not have feelings for u and I thought I did a good job but that too was a joke. I have never felt like I do about u. it ***** that we don't talk like we used to and really ***** that we don't see each other....I miss u so fuckn bad. I still cry over u *** u were my perfext match. you are strong where I am weak and vise versa. Ur really great in the areas I need help in and I can help in the ones ur not in. I still want you to read to me. I still remember the things u said to me the first times we used to talk. the time where I fell in total love with u. I pains me to see some of the stuff u say on there. I didn't mean to not ask things or seem interested in you or act like I didn't want you to come over....I did that *** I wanted to see if u really wanted to come over.. um...all I wanted was to be with u from the beginning and I still do  but I don't think u will *** your trying your hardest to forget me. I guess im  not one to stand out and keep one wanting ......I wish I could erase all ive found out since oct 1st *** it makes it even harder to get over u....I don't want to but its really stupid to keep trying if you have made urself believe that u hate me or convinced yur self u do. I will write more if I remember but I have to go to bed now and I hope u sleep too... It just upsets me that I meant nothing like the others and that uve made urself hate me.....when I cant stop loving u.....this *****.

How do I start...?
This is hard for me...
I probably will only generalize from fear of being ostracized,....
Actually that's a ****** lie too...
not even sure wut I want to say,
Sometimes wut I really wanna say gets polluted by being convoluted cuz it's secondary and secluded
by trying to sound poetic, or smart
then the rest just gets... Included....
I'm not even sure of myself...
My ability....
My limits...
I might even say i find security in insecurity,
Jailed without bail by my emotions and I can't find assurity
Assuring me
a stay on the green mile where I sit, green with envy...
Envious of even ppl I love...
Almost hoping they fail so I'm not alone.....
how truly sick is that?
How could u ever call urself a decent person after thinking that????
And after i drown and drench this depression in drinks
Then dry it off with drugs...
It only gets moist again by the inevitable stream of tears
And u can only let urself down so many ****** times before u can't lie to urself anymore to feel like
..u haven't let everyone else down
And my friends and family can only say ..."I love u"so many times b4 they realize that I don't believe it....
Cuz how can they love me when I don't???
And I'm way past a cry for help
So it's not sympathy,
I don't need it
I have been blessed until now with the most beautiful things life has...
And maybe losing those things has fukked me up....
how do I start....
Ha...
how do I finish....
When I haven't even said anything worth reading....
I use to think I was a writer...
Now I question if I can even do that anymore...
I feel hopelessly dead inside,
and I love my son,
but I can't help feeling trapped, in a sea of failure,
I can't help hating my weak will,
My bad habits,
My lack of motivation
My physical appearance,
My physical appearance
My laziness
And who I've become, when who I was.....
Was so much better.....
My night terrors haunt me...
I miss ppl I shouldn't
I'm jealous of ppl I shouldn't be...
I idolize my godmother for her strength to commit suicide:...
I am everything I use to hate in
others....
I could go on forever
but I'm sick of hearing myself think in silence
Even the voices in my head annoys the **** out of me, and make me sick til I tell myself to shut up....
How do I end this...
....  From judgement of a talented literary point of view...
I can't end it....
Cause...
I never really started....

Cuz when it is your monkey,
And it is your circus...
It's depressskng feeling worthless
When even a clowns have a purpose

.....which is more than me

go continue doing wat u was doin
obviously we werent texting
u werent ready to text me.
so dont force urself to txt me
until i pop into ur mind nd u want to have a conversation.

ur almost done
      .................
ur appearance is stark
&& reminds u of effort
     which u don't really
     care about right now
                          
                           tbh.

it's not that ur doing
                                    bad.
                  ­  ur just loving urself
                    in different ways rn.

when just wanting to hurt isn’t enough
i sit alone
and wait for someone

but nobody comes
nobody helps
and all that remains
is the suggestion of relief
and the promise of pain

so once again
i’ll give into my vices
take up the scissors
and drag the cold metal across my wrists
it hurts.

but hurting is better than feeling nothing at all
and i’d rather slit my own wrists
than feel the pain of being scarred
by someone else

Sit on the couch- wandering hands and wanton mouths
Every now and then one of u speaks
I love you
Between kisses
I'm wet
She'll tell U
Tell U like She's saying I love you
U never move past the make out
I'm wet She'll say
U don't know how to think
Only act
Mouths devouring mouths
Bumping teeth won't be a mood killer anymore
I'm wet She won't say it, but it's all U'll hear
U can't breathe as U push Her down onto Her back
Pull Her shirt up and kiss Her stomach
U're wet
I love you but U'll hear I'm wet
Look into Her eyes
Take off Ur shirt
She'll do as She's told
Pop the button on those jeans
Giggle when She has to stand up and hop around to get them off
Don't really know what U're doing
Feather fingers stroking the interior of Her perfect thighs
She'll sigh Ur name
Gently remove that piece of lacy-nothing
Touch Her
She's wet U'll think
Think like U're thinking *She loves me

lets imagine an illusion for a time being where illustration of my hidden blackened thoughts can be canvassed without any distortion of fear,trapping and misjudged(or rightly judged).i read somewhere that we all are bad filthy cynical people if we raise the un-attended curtain in dark hole, and that cynical one can even take life for pleasure.
how pain can be associated with pleasure?? never i knew that before until one day i took this beast out of me and it made me surprised from the deligince of its curiosity and rageness of emotions....
sometimes ******* of filthy mind is all what u need.. "who is ur ******??" did u ever ask this urself?? did u ever tried to get drunk without having whiskey? did u ever dreamt of leaping deep in ocean of ur soul without leaping ur faith?

so many misconduct around us, but if one tries to really express himself, that misconduct is considered biggest of all sins. i sinned once and for all, that sin completed me.
it is hard to embrace ur alienist mind, and the act that is considered misconduct, but its not impossible to actually explore the whole of urself until u be able to say proudly "I KNOW ME"  and that is actually the time where "U DNT KNOW URSELF EXACTLY"

flawless writing from flawless people
melting my heart like an ice cube in this ******* heatwave
sort urself out british weather

Sunrise sunset
Don't drown urself in so much regret
The hours pass the days fly by
Your waiting on yourself to die
Breathe in breathe out
Don't burden urself with so much doubt
Searching for someone you wish you knew
Time is an obstacle don't let it deceive you
Look up not down
You got to keep swimming or you'll drown
The search is over the suspense is lost
Ur life is fleeting we all pay the cost
Good morning good night
Don't perish before you give up the fight
Darkness doesnt always suppress the light

debbie dear debbie 
you dont quiz my friends 
this is the day 
our friendship ends 
if you had something 
you needed to know 
why didnt you ask me 
i wud of told you so 
who i sleep with 
wat i do 
really has nothing 
to do with you 
the person you asked 
i aint even met 
but she is the best friend 
i got on the net 
and wen you hurt my friends 
and make them cry 
thats wen the time comes 
we must say goodbye 
so take care debbie 
hope all your dreams come true 
i wish you all the best 
i really do 
gonna delete you off my facebook 
now ive told you why 
take care of urself debbie 
adios and goodbye

feelin' wild like runnin in the trees jumpin from the slums of the mind the oily quick sand hands called silence and control, america, how i wish u'd unbigbrother urself and support the artists, but that would require slime'ing away from big bank funding, corporates drugging us zombies called humanity... to be an artist at times can be so liberating and so uncertain. hello eviction notice, hello

RAINDROPS
Drop on her like never before
Touch her like chilled weather
Caress her hairs like sweet mother
Crawl over her like tiny Scorpion
Feel d warmth of her
Making sure nt to be melt either

Tease her like mad woofer
Provided she must nt kick u either
Wet her ***** like desperate lover
Drink her smile like thirsty summer
Roll over her lips like stormy river
Brush her cheeks like flabby feathers

Stop loosing urself
Instead u may go unconscious
Jst came n mix in my soul to make me feel precious
Let me invade d aroma inside
Where do those cuteness reside
Loose urself to inhale my breathe
Which I hav pattented(only fr u) till death

Extract The love hidden inside
Make her realise how it elide
Gv her my dearest soul
Which z still existing(incompleted)
Core is left but lustre eroded..............

They say You are my world..
They say You meant a lot..
But when some hurdles are thrown on them..
Their whole Love is gone..

So, this time when u say u love me..
Unturn urself and then behold me..
Set your priorities first and then fix me on them..
Bcoz I don't think I m the one on top ten..

I don't want your time, nethier want your calls..
I want U to share things, when something falls..
I know U are busy..I know someone is around..
But I want to care, as I knw smething is pushing u down..

Set your priorities first and then fix me on them..
Bcoz I don't think I m the one on top ten..

You always meant the world to me ....even if I didn't show it....*** I wanted you from the moment we met and deep down u know it.
You said you cant "say it", well im the opposite of that..i can "say it "but im scared to "show it" .. *** what if  I do something dumb and blow it?
There isn't anything I wouldn't do to have u back in my life....but I don't think you want me in ur life  especially since you already pretty much  have a "wife"...
it hurts so bad it feels worse then being cut with  a knife.
I want to just talk to u....*** I so badly miss u....I think it will even matter....but you've always been the one....that's why before we meet my soul knew when we connected  of fb that we weren't just 2 people talking....Ive talked to  a few guys here and there....had no connection with even one of them....but with u.....I cant even get u outta my mind. I was looking for u too but not like Sherlock....(maybe a sure lick but not a Sherlock...lol)  or how some look for others....but I was looking for you,,,*** there was something about u that had some major hold on me.....then when u left me on fb I knew u were on twitter and I was on there a few times before that  but once u left I was addicted to it.  I was watching your movments....at first I was anaylising(I know its spelled wrong and I don't care....its to know one so why would I give a **** if its correct.) the things that were said and if certain words you used more then others  also you  spoke like a knight would at times and say things that only "knights" of the round table kind of guys say.... im not going to tell you *** then youd know. or I was watching the content of which the words were worded and the types of ords you used. if your punctuation was perfect every time. also the typos if any or not *** when u are on fb and instant msg someone its fast and u cant proof it before sending. so u made basicly none but you did on few things and ive always remembered them... I watches what words you said or used the most....things you would say every time...because were connected for some reason. You know its true but you for some reason don't want to let yourself feel real love....or are scared of it...how did u ever get her if your always in fear of everything...? I don't know why you  don't want to let urself feel these feeling and keep fighting it.....I don't know why.....*** I can feel all of this....like u have 4 or more people inside u and they are the ones whos fighting u....its one against like 3 or 4 others.....as if your my angel and the others are the devil.....
*** I learned that you had many many various accts...womans , kids,  men , boys, kids in high school, teen girls who cut, many others ....from other countries....those were all my favs.....but the one the MAIN one (was Be_N....) was a farm animal...I couldn't not go one twitter and see what he said.....*** I was in need of closure....   I was also convinced I could win u back becus we had a weird connection....and it was lust or anythg stupid like that....its is *** we were suppose to be together....why do u think I was honest from the gate....I told u I cared and have love in my heart for u but I was in love with "him" and would point to the computer.......
my point is you know ive always wanted u and if you cant see that.....then im lost and have no idea what to do.....*** all I know is....for all eternity I will be loving u.

Is it worth it to love someone that doesn't love you,
to let someone in that is only going to wreck u,
do u blame urself or just let go?
Should u let go if you love?
Love is complicated and hurts
makes you want to cry
Is the person that hurts you
Supposed to hold you?
Or just watch you break?
It's an enigma, a myth
Because how could fate be cruel
Send Cupid to play matchmaker
For beauty and the ogre.
Are we just destined to love
The people that won't love us back?
or is that a sick twist
The joker has in mind.
Trying to walk away
And ending up back at your door
Do I sink into the abyss
that is calling out my name
or do I fly away on broken wings, broken spirit that somehow you make whole.
Let me go if you can't love me
Don't let me go if you want to hurt me
You are my Achilles heel
And will be the death of me.

I wear my heart on my sleeve
Where it's easily broken
I'd rather be made of steel
Or just a girl sitting around tokin
So many emotions
And I'm bloated
Just full of ****
And a belief of something fake
But I'll revamp my ways
My precious heart to take
I don't need it anymore anyways


(Douglas Scheurn wrote this part)
Keep it,
Incase it deep within your soul.
Put the key in,
Make the latch whole.
Don't let someone steal it quickly,
They have to thoroughly plan the heist.
Now this is tricky,
But wait out to see the lines.


Doesn't matter much anyways
My heart ain't worth the fuss
I held on a long time
Even longer for the lucrative "us"
My hearts shattered
Not that it mattered
Pieces are too small
Not worth making whole
No body would want
This emptiness y'all call a soul
There is no need for a lock
And certainly not a key
The last one inside
Has proven me no longer worthy


If the last one who had a piece
Is reading this now
Give urself a pat on the back
And a raise of ur brow
Congratulations is in order
You finally completed ur mission
My heart is finally free
You, no longer in my vision
Emptied my soul
And cleared the fog
**** being a *****
I'll be the alpha dog
Chewing up smiles
Gnawing on hearts
Spitting back up tears
And unimportant parts
Then run away, still intact
Leaving the rest to the hounds
Never looking back
Smile on my face and hell bound

Hey,are you listening?
these words are trying to say smthing,
smthing that might change the way you think,
the way you feel,the way you see the world.
harvested brains cant give you juicy fruits,
until it bloosms with creation and love,
and love cannot be achieved until you are true to yourself,
free to breathe and hard to break.
Trust and belief are the virtues to hold on,
unless and until you know urself in the mirror,
mirror that reflects your true color not the one you want to be.
Living in the fantasy is not so hard,
its the reality that haunts,
dark hours and cold nights,
sweats and chills and endless fights.
So be yourself and not what you are,
live your life with what you have,
because this transition is a blink to share,
forget,forgive,love and care..:)

I know my its fault
and im sorry
I wanna talk
Take a walk
With the blooming glory
This should not be the
end our love story.
Please.....

I was wrong, you were right
You took everything very lite
Where as i
Hadn't slept the previous night
Thinking all non sense in my mind
Trust me i was not of this kind

So let us rewind
Everything were i went
Wrong
Don't let urself remind
When i ignored u for such a
Long
Even you know
that im not that
Strong
To live without you......

Fear not 'coz you've almost reached your destination;relax and smile... you've conquered and come this far;you've proved  others wrong and done the impossible;you've made urself proud;u've proved that u've still got it.Nobody had given u a chance but you mustered up d courage,dug out ur resources and surprised one and all including urself.What u feel at this point of time is truly indescribable.In other words it's sheer bliss.You never doubted urself.;u never lost hope;u were confident in d face of adversity.You showed dat courage is not 'bout being brave....it's 'bout accepting ur fears and conquering 'em;it's 'bout accepting ur flaws and working on 'em;it's 'bout taking all d negativity around you and turning it into something positive.

You belong to dat elite group of individuals who never gives up and dat is what sets u apart from d majority.You deserve my respect.You inspire me to do greater things,to scale greater heights.You motivate me like no one else does.You fill my heart with this uncontrollable burning desire to succeed.I don't want to be u and yet i want to become someone like u.There is this strange attraction i feel towards u.It's weird and at times feels completely inexplicable.It's not that i love you but....i don't know what it is about you that intrigues me.My list of faults and mistakes is endless but i'm not a hypocrite or a ******.To achieve even half of what u've achieved is quite a mouth-watering prospect and it's certainly a challenge worth accepting.

I don't know who u are.We are not related by blood and neither do we know each other.Yet i feel this strong connection with u.When i look at you; when i listen to u speak,i feel so much at peace.You don't judge me like the others do.The colour of my skin or my physicality doesn't bother u.You're patient with me.You don't just understand me; u feel me.You are the one constant thought dat occupies my mind and i have a feelin' dat you ain't got any intentions of leavin'.

In comparison to his love
I'm feeling so unworthy
How can someone love u more than you do urself
Lord please help me
The heat of his touch got me feeling
Like a newborn, no colic
How does he find those spots
Help me solve it
Standing alone. His kiss is unmatched
To these sensations I'm a ******
Everyday a lesson on lovin him
The way that he deserves it

Shut up happy endings, there is no love without pain no happy without sad, no give without receive

Just because something went wrong don't give up

Just because two people split up doesn't mean there love will never find each other again

No matter how long it takes love will find a way

When second chances won't leave you alone there's hope in love

You may have left me back then,
You may say there is no us
Take a moment to thing beside urself
Beside the one Ur dating
If there really never is another chance for us....how come you still like me
How come we still held hands
How come u wanted to kiss me
If there is not any possibility of us anymore how come you slept on my shoulder knowing what you were doing
How come we grow closer and closer feeling the love we felt back then
Sure we may not b the same people but I know in your heart you felt that love like old times, I know you felt it too

Left for good
Bad is right
Living a one way life
Wishing to end
This life of sin

~
      In the end one then begins to right the wrongs; from insight ,with what we write in songs. a night alone,beside urself in a fight for gold  frigid& cold feelin naked & ****** bruised bleedin all because wireless network pending payment delayed and and my messages not sending nor recieving and in traffic but with my 4 bad habits safe to include i forgot if it was right ? Maybe left?

For good
If only we knew
Our way of life
If only we knew
The struggle
The fight left inside
Wrong is wrong
Right is right

thoughts...you can numb urself with drink and drug, tv and food. or you can feel, but to feel is brave. and from braveness you get to a point of stillness, the enternal, and from here you can create greatness, love.

who has met someone and they had such a strong connection that you change things about ur self.....
like from buying Michael Jackson stuff....I met you I told u I spent like 2000. on mj stuff...and u said I should cherish memories not materialistic items..
or how to spell certain words....or how to appreciate being with family even though they make u want to be high or drunk...
or to watch movies you wouldn't normally.....like ''DEARLY BELOVED'". Or to read long paragraphs on Ludwig Beethoven or that I need to read between lines and that taught me to anaylise (don't care) things people say so I could find u....
you taught me that I shouldn't always be so miserable and think bad things ,,,,,which made me watch closer ...*** I thought u were up to no good and u were....all kidding aside though....
You told me if my one boy kicks the other one in the {privates} crotch then if he ***'s right after it will make a lot of the pain go away...if it works I have no idea....but if I see that happen...I always think of what u say....
the main thing is.....u taught me how to love someone....and I never knew I was doing it wrong, but I was....*** no one has made me feel the way u do...but its over now *** u wont allow urself to love me....very sad...*** were our souls keeper and if my heart after 2 mos.....still feels like this then were suppose to be together...or something...I don't know...but I love u.