Dream
You chose to and you believed
Now look at your ship all wrecked
Yet somehow you're alive

The seas have been calm but still ruffle every now and then.
Though the ashes of my dreams still scatter everywhere each time I remem..
Her...
Such a beautiful face I've seen and it's one that's different compared to the others.

She left me though just the others along time ago.
Soon I'll be up and running again so will the others
But we are dreams who've been here in the clearance aisle

Waiting to be shaken...

The days have vanished golden years,—
       Years but a doleful mem'ry now;
       I hear the dirge of rough winds howl,
Above his grave to mock my tears.

Remem'ring when his strength was low;
       When hunger failed and ceased his play,
       He trod a frail more painful way;
I trust he's now in Thee made whole.

He is not here but far away,
       The driving rain like heaven's tears
       Show'ring his grave for latter years
From skies to match my spirit grey.

With breaking heart I linger nigh,
       Loathe e'er to leave his gloomy bed;
       I wish it could be me instead
Than one so gentle had to die.

He sleeps beneath the sullen sod,
       Beneath harsh sunlight and bleak rain;
       No more to suffer any pain,
While the pure soul rests with his God.

                    **~Hilda~

a maddening, vagrant city of composure
                                                     & closure
                                                     & always somewhere to go

to learn
to live
to love
but there are so many megalomaniac incidents of
warm summer daze here

can you whisper through the walls
       of winding roads where
       stars still shine & epic drives down
deserted familiarity still reminds
                                        me of what it's like
                                        to be so much younger..
the peace is just around the corner,
the war is just in our heads..

You and I will crack one day
The smoothness will all go away
And as our hairs fade into grey
Will the love still stay?

We promise love until the dust
But so often forget the rust
Failing frequently to discuss
What happens if nothing happens to us

The porcelain will splinter and chip
Marking, for some, where the veil rips
But my love lasts more than just a stint
Of smooth skin on my fingertips

For if the twilight fades the blue
It replaces it with countless hues
And so will grow my love for you
In seeing, remem’bring what we’ve gone through

You and I will crack, no doubt
But my love will faithfully pour out
To endless bound, in copious amounts
A quenching water from an undying spout

exhaust’d thru months of
stress’d quandaries. have
clear’d the worst. and
i ripped through older
pages, stealing the words
that sound’d best. the
only ones
able to fluidly
patch fragments. brake.
been a long couple day(s);
singular, i guess. and
the sassy black chick,
she doesn’t give a ****.
never did. and friend is
asking why, asking
questions of the sky.
  - what if what’s complicated
     is so because we never
     let it be easy?
infectious thoughts of
what to do to complicate, or
of how we might proliferate.
and ringing:
  - why not just be easy?
and ringing:
  - you’re just going to have to
    stop having fun for a while.
and ringing:
  - i mean, not quit, but
    ease up. don’t spend
    your money.
knowing is ninety-percent
of the problem with
stubbornness. and remem-
bering when first told
to get on with it –
to let go –
the other ten-percent.
and being one day closer –
to be one minute closer –
brings restlessness. and
i lay my head to rest, if
only to pass time as lids
squeeze light from eyes.
and thoughts, peaceful a
moment prior, begin to
rage. to thrash and stomp.
to draw from dead qualms
and questions. and past
turbulences become reali-
gn’d.      yet,
most were left behind or
under the Pinelawn.
something missing,
memories of how her
**** were like tiger claws.
brake.       get on with it.
and the vessels of my eye
throb in ticks. forcing
metronome. and i count the
seconds, the seconds
on minutes
on hours
on eternity. and if
i were here – if
i were awake – when
the sun came ‘round,
then perhaps the metro-
nomes tick would cease. or,
let it go, get on with the
passing of time.
getting on with it, to
force the dawn sun
to rise of me.

I can't breath.
I can't ******* breath.
I feel like I should be freaking out.
Like the
Kicking
Screaming
Lock me up
Because I'm going crazy
Kind of freaking out.
I just feel really calm
And ice cold
And slow
And shaky.
I can't breath though
I CAN'T ******* BREATH.
I can't
brea
th.
Please help me.
I don't know what happened.
I don't know what he gave me.
I don't know why it happened.
I don't know why I did it.
I am an awful person.
I CAN'T ******* BREATH.
It was so slow.
I can't
remem
ber
it
all.
I don't remember when he came back
In the room.
I really don't.
I can't remember
The point where he
I CAN'T ******* BREATH
Got on top of me.
He was just there.
I don't know.
I DON'T REMEMBER.
I was almost asleep.
WHAT DID HE GIVE ME.
I can't remember anything
With any detail.
I ALWAYS REMEMBER DETAILS
I CAN'T BREATH.
I don't remember it all.
I can remember the things he said
And I can remember where he
I CAN'T BREATH.
I CAN'T ******* BREATH.
WHY IS NO ONE COMING TO HELP ME.
started to **** me.
Why did I let him do it.
I DON'T REMEMBER THIS.
I NEED HELP.
I don't remember screaming.
I really don't.
I don't remember them coming in.
I don't remember all of the guys tearing him off me
And throwing him against the wall
And starting to hit him.
And Adam rushing me out to his car.
I don't remember hearing him scream in pain
As I left the room.
I don't remember falling asleep in the back of the car.
I don't.
I ruined my life.
It's all my fault.
I CAN'T BREATH.
SOMEONE ****
ING COME HELP
ME I CAN'T
*******
BREATH.
PLEA
SE.
I don't remember everything.
It just feels like.
I don't ******* know.
It's just so unclear.
There's one thing I do remember.
But I promise
I don't remember when I started to scream.
I just felt like I wanted to die.
I didn't know where anyone was.
WHERE IS EVERYONE.
I don't remember screaming.
PLEASE
******* SOMEONE.


I can remember him covering my mouth.
I CAN'T ******* BREATH.
WHY IS NO ONE HELPING ME.
I
CAN
'T
****
ING
BREA
TH
PLEASE
SOME
ONE
*******
HEL
P
M
E.

When you get pretty **** high (PDH),
just remember to keep the stove top
dial at 8, just below 8, to keep the oil
of your choice from overheating and
popping into your face. Turn on the
overhead fan and open the nearest
window to ensure ventilation for your
fire detector. Don't be a cigarette and
don't ignite bushes if you can help it.
Remember this when you get PDH:
You're more than a face but you'll get
lost in that possibility for hours if you
forget that your face is such an integral
part of your translation of you to world.
So be with the world. Don't get lost on
your way to and from. Women grab
your ******. Men grab your *****. We're
having a fun time, such a fun time,
yet not really feeling fun. Remember,
meet under streetlight right outside
your room, 12:01. You want the world?
It's apparent. Smoke another bowl why
don't you, it's all over your clothes. You
want the world, don't you? Why don't
you meet me one past midnight, local?
Sell your soul to a red devil for endless
wealth? No. The the the most importa
nt pp aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaart
to remem member is that Lucifer loves
you. He is a gentleman, be not afraid.
For you he trades the wealth for free.

The moon rose behind
the mountains, like
a runway.

The stars up ahead
looked pretty, from
far away.



With little vision in my eyes,
and face half-under messy water,
those lonely shores now rippled with life,
moonlight flash on pier.

Scratched ghosts of headland through seafoam,
bruise-coloured & careful, and I alone,
seeing faces in old raindrop night-time
moonscape storm had come.

All with black language of love and luck,
started war with that woman, since we changed.
Despite remem’bring tattoos and smiles at dusk,
in my dreams you fade.

Island ferry siren naked,
waves of black and brown, pulling it inward,
vibrating great shadows of formless bay,
and consuming it.

Through the spiral of shiv’ring moonlight
magic, cheap birds lost their names in the moonlight,
reworking old songs they half-memorised,
breathing us goodnight.

But have you heard their songs lately?
Are they kissing, working on new poetry?
What will they remember in three-month’s time?
And who will be there when it all falls down?

Well does that matter anymore?
This poet’s a fool, he thought he changed; It’s
just new kind’s of ****, new moonlight on pier,
hold me, anyway.

The rust-red banks of old love soon
crashed under cigarettes of rippling tide,
as horror covered whole stretch of sky,
midnight scene, & I.

Am I still me?
Am I still m
Am I still
Am I stil
Am I sti
Am I st
Am I s
Am I
Am
A
Am
Am I
Am I s
Am I st
Am I sti
Am I stil
Am I still
Am I still r
Am I still re
Am I still rem
Am I still reme
Am I still remem
Am I still rememb
Am I still remembe
Am I still remember
Am I still remembere
Am I still remembered?

WE ARE LIKE TREES

We are like trees. When a seed
of an oak tree is placed in earth
and given water, then light, the
life of that oak tree begins. When
a ***** enters an ****, the life
of a human being begins;  all
other arguments are specious.
Both need special care. Given
that care, the oak seed will sprout
from the earth and continue to
grow. The human embryo needs
nine months in the womb before
it will be put into a nursery. The oak
sprout will, most likely, need to
be in a nursery from its conception.
If cared for, both the tiny, tiny tree
and the tiny, tiny human being
will grow bigger. The key is care,
and the caring is love. Over years,
decades, both will grow larger and
stronger. Both will face illnesses,
and in the vast majority of cases,
will survive them. Trees will show
leaves, grow bark, provide shade
and beauty, even as they grow
their own seeds. Human beings
will learn more and more as they
grow older and older. Trees will
let robins and squirrels make
their homes in them. Human
beings will grow compassionate
and wise;  many will shepherd in
new life to care for. Both will grow
old, but before they die, they will
look back on their lives and remem-
ber the love they themselves en-
joyed and shared with each other.

Copyright 2020 Tod Howard Hawks

DIE WANDLUNG
(THE TRANSFORMATION)  

In this house where I
a child grew      snow has entered
drifts where I have dreamed
plays inside(where once I watched
it fall outside)   in wonder.



ICH WEISS...ICH WEISS!
(I KNOW...I KNOW!)  

Snow climbs the stair where
once I had head over heels
charged down to see it
begged like the child I was then
to go outside...inside...now.



DU BLEIBT...DU BLEIBT!
(YOU REMAIN...YOU REMAIN!)  

Snow eager to see
me after such long ago
roams through room after
room...mindless now of time it
human now...I...the falling.



DER HIMMEL HINABSTEIGT
(THE SKY DESCENDS)  

I watch Time grow old
see it fail to remembeer
what it should remem...
this house & I falling through
its fingers...lettting us go!



AUFGABE
(RELINQUISHMENT)  

Language strolling down
memory lane...picking its fruit
laughter & sadness
growing from the same branches
tasting now bitter...now...sweet.

*

WELCH EIN SPIEL
(WHAT A GAME!)  

All my life I've been
saying 'NO! ' to YES & 'YES! '
to NO...knowing I
know nothing of everything
I should know...could know...but...don't.

AND WHAT OF DEATH?

And what of death? It is, of course,
inevitable, inexorable. It is the period
at the end of each one’s life sentence.
But the meaning of death can only begin
to be understood by what comes before
it:  one’s life. In the largest, possible
sense, death is meaningless, a neces-
sary afterthought, if that, to a life lived.
An euology, an epitaph wrap up death
neatly in a few words, a few lines, but
in so doing, unwittingly becomes an ani-
madversion to the one who has died. To
commemorate the deceased, we need
to sing the song of that life lived, a chorus,
if you will, of remembrances--birth, child-
hood, growing up, adulthood, perhaps
marriage and family, a career, joyous
times, times painful and sorrowful and thus
challenging, perhaps grandchildren,
acts of kindness and courage, acts of
atonement. Only a life lived and remem-
bered can give death any meaning.
Come, celebrate a life lived! Shovels
of dirt can wait.

Copyright 2020 Tod Howard Hawks

The ring of Cancer once comes around and the evening sky
is still. If you want to look back, spring while the sun was
frowning, darkened distance from winter will make you remem-
ber, head and waters, deep dive, and on your skin, everywhere
you are looking, you see the ocean and endless summer

horizons. I was then much younger, middle earth between my
fingers, father time smiling; in your reflection I saw the sun tall-
est shadow and a diamond skull. In your laughter that was
nearest, the speechless storm approaching, while the beetle
had won the race on the beach, and I ran for something out of

sight. We all long for this day, feeling a gem of ocean deep,
in the colour of blue one planet sized. And you don't say a
word, hold your silence, forever more... Heading deep in
waters and I see the nearest end is everywhere, on my skin...
My soul was the pigeon that flew to Capricorn's ring,

hearing nothing but soundless terror across the sea. Here is
the winter's window and it's blackness slowing down your
deep breath, in an instant memory is nothing, no life, no
beetle, and beaches. If you drown in your summer's dream
your eyes will be the oyster and your sky will be indescent  

in
the
wind
and
waters.

DIE WANDLUNG
(THE TRANSFORMATION)  

In this house where I
a child grew      snow has entered
drifts where I have dreamed
plays inside(where once I watched
it fall outside)   in wonder.



ICH WEISS...ICH WEISS!
(I KNOW...I KNOW!)  

Snow climbs the stair where
once I had head over heels
charged down to see it
begged like the child I was then
to go outside...inside...now.



DU BLEIBT...DU BLEIBT!
(YOU REMAIN...YOU REMAIN!)  

Snow eager to see
me after such long ago
roams through room after
room...mindless now of time it
human now...I...the falling.



DER HIMMEL HINABSTEIGT
(THE SKY DESCENDS)  

I watch Time grow old
see it fail to remember
what it should remem...
this house & I falling through
its fingers...lettting us go!



AUFGABE
(RELINQUISHMENT)  

Language strolling down
memory lane...picking its fruit
laughter & sadness
growing from the same branches
tasting now bitter...now...sweet.

*

WELCH EIN SPIEL
(WHAT A GAME!)  

All my life I've been
saying 'NO! ' to YES & 'YES! '
to NO...knowing I
know nothing of everything
I should know...could know...but...don't.

i'm lost again
trying to recover the pieces of myself
this room brings to remem'brance
i've tried to hide but i've only managed to pelt

all answers lead to nowhere
and i'm somehow worse-for-wear
the questions that got me here
perhaps, i never should have asked

these sides i show to no one
this nakedness - a sin
when there's nowhere left to run
these four walls swallow me within

I'm shaking again
The words in my head follow down through my skin
My head starts to spin
I'm haunted by things I don't want to let in

I hate to remember
I hate thinking back on what burns me like embers
I can't even speak
I can't make my lips tell others why I'm weak

The words won't come out
Trapped beneath skin where they echo and shout
The tears broke me through
They run hot and steady, leave shame in their lieu

My breathing is heavy
Thinking of past things makes my heart unsteady
I'm going to die
And I'll pass on while still not knowing why

They're just words to say
But more- they course through me insistent to stay
Someone hold me
But don't touch me please, I'm afraid you will see

Please squeeze me tightly
Remind me that nightmares are not only nightly
But stay far away
Don't take a step closer or I'll break again

I'm torn between thoughts
Remem'bring what happened and what did not
So help me, I'm screaming
Somebody tell me that I'm only dreaming

And please take my life
I already live on the edge of a knife
And when I am gone
Perhaps after death I can fin'lly move on.

Don't you know it's a strange thing
The way my thoughts are arranging
September's cold at its core and it's all for show

Could have sworn you were witness
Meeting adjourned, concerns fit best
I swallowed more than my pride and now I'm alone

Lend me, oh friend of mine
Spare me, oh have you got some time?
Mend this, oh this heart of mine,
Ending, oh this tragedy climbs

Tempting, oh the exit sign
Hem me, oh have you got some twine?
Remem'bring, oh what was the sign,
Tending, oh wash my mem'ries blind

All my life the thought of you has led me upwards
The trail sometimes so hard to travel I’d almost give up
But I always managed to just make it to the next plateau.

Never did you lend a hand or reach out to catch me as I fell,
yet still I went on, enduring the hardships of my chosen path
and reaping the fruits of my labor, sewn along the way.

With each new level I would look over the last contemplation.
And think to myself there could be no higher ground
Then the fog would clear and another tier would come into view.

Again, I would load up my family and all our worldly possessions
and drag them kicking and screaming upwards, forever upwards
to this place I knew had to exist, our place at the top of it all.

I lost my wife on one leg of my journey, the kids on another
and somewhere along the way I was relieved of my possessions,
but I made it to the top of my mountain.

Stopping to catch my breath, I looked out over my world,
but I could see nothing. The clouds blocked my view to all below me.
I could see only the heavens and the small point of land beneath my feet.

In that instant, I knew. Life is not lived, from the top down.
Everything I am or I ever was, was behind me beneath the clouds
that lay so thick that I could not see the path from which I had come.

And there in that moment of realization and frustration you appeared to me.
Holding out your hand, beckoning me to step out away from known ground,
to take a leap of faith and trust that you would not let me fall.

My mind flashed back to all the times I needed you and you weren’t there.
Why now should I believe that you wouldn’t again just let me fall?
Perhaps the thin air at the top was causing me to hallucinate.

No, I decided, you couldn’t be trusted and I turned away from you.
In my haste I stumbled, and found myself falling away from your direction.
I fell through the clouds and I saw paths I had followed to the top.

I saw my children and my wife, I saw my belongings, all the things
that had been good in my life flashed before my eyes as I fell, downward.
I fell for what seemed like forever, and somewhere during my fall, I fell asleep.

And while I was sleeping, I dreamt that everything I was, was fading away
I no longer remembered how my journey to the top started, and now, I can almost remember where it ended, no, what was I thinking of…….I can’t remem…….

Hey! I just realized I’m awake, and I am looking into the eyes of the most beautiful
creature I have ever seen, smiling eyes that know me, and love me.
Eyes that draw my attention from all else, a soft voice so soothing.  

Suddenly it’s very noisy and there are more eyes, looking at me, smiling happy eyes. I am overwhelmed and I start to cry, feeling the warmth of flesh on my face, there’s something in my mouth and it’s tasty and fulfilling,

I stop crying and open my eyes again, looking up into those wonderful eyes that love me.

I guess you did catch me after all.