I walked today to the ocean bay
In my pants and dress i went in
The water was not cold
The tides pushed and pulled me
Soothed me
What a beautiful day to be my last
Rocks flew from my hands and skipped upon the surface
A long time i stood
Wanting to jump in and disapear
Down in the water i saw beautiful rainbows
Shimmers of light weaved between
Thoughts about lungs filled with salt water
Thoughts of loved ones left behind
A rock named Integrity stopped me
Waist deep i picked her up
She lives in my pocket now
And the ocean in my heart
Even the small things
Can give a new start

Surrounded by flame i see the false memories
Tricks of demons burnt away
Demons of hell couldnt do this
Demons of my own creation
Demons who seek to pull me down
My demons,the ones who swim and i cant drown or choke
The ones who tear me apart all day
The ones who say im worthless and stupid
The ones who say im fat and ugly
The ones who say i do not deserve happiness unless i suffer for it
The ones who wont let me be selfish no matter how small the wish
The ones who taunt me with childhood memories
The ones who cant let me forget what is real
The ones who laugh when i cry because my dreams betray me
I cannot escape
I will never escape myself
I am alone in my mind and even though my love tries he can never understand
There is not a love on this earth and in this place that could understand
I betray myself and berate myself to keep things simple
I break myself down so no one else can
I break myself down to build up a wall with my heart
My castle around my heart is my soul
Made to be scary
Made to defend a void that is behind it
Made so in order to let down my walls i must break myself

Dear little  one
You only grew to the size of a cherry
I should have buried you
Im sorry i was scared
Im sorry i chose my life over yours
I know im not your mommy
But if i was i know id be the most proud
I would keep all your art
I would go to all your school functions
Im sorry i didnt keep you
Im sorry i was to young
Know that momma loves you
Know that you're my one
One day when we meet
i know it wont be sweet
Ill have questions to answer
And forgiveness to beg
But when we meet i hope i can be the mommy you deserve

Addictions are like *******
Everyone has one, and they usually stink
Smoke
Shoot
Snort
whatever you need to get you through
but...
What about when its not drugs?
How does she disclose
When her scars itch
When she's twitching
Scratching
Looking for something
what is it
what is it
what is it
what is it
where is it
where where where....
Her mind races
Her scars burn hot
Hot enough to burn her shorts
Hotter than her tears
There
Under the board on her stand
Shiny and stolen
Mechanical pencils are better anyway
She mutters to herself
Up goes her shorts
Up goes her sleeves
1
2
3
4
5
Dont count, make them even
In a line
Not like that
Her sister gets clean
She's left in limbo
How could she justify
How could she seek help
When she does it to herself
When it wont make her *****
When it wont make her seize
Addictions, everyone has one
For her, there's a relapse on the way

The sound of a sigh
From a lovers lips
It echos through the night
It reverberates through every cell
Creating a hum under the epidermis

Breathing gets heavy
Inhale
1
2
Exhale
The heart only speeds
When sweat forms on their skin
Adorn by salty appetence

This is the sweetest taste
Of lips on a secret place
Teeth clamped in skin
Lovers wrapped in sin
Bodies traversing what it is to couple
They'll lay quiet for quite a while
Bodies humming and hands intwined
Feeling forever  is this instant

Guiltless love
Uncontaminated by fear
They could spend eternity here
The day goes on
So do they
They hold forever
In their hearts and minds
Until after the end times

Wow its beautiful today
jump in the ocean
The wind is warm and soothing on my skin
**** the wheel, fly off the bridge
Wow i love him
slit your wrists in the tub
Oh my friends are so lovely
they only want you to die
Maybe i should close my eyes
forever you say
No
Not forever
Forever and a day
The day i can be free to play
The day i breathe my last
The day i dont fear the reaper
youre to full of cowardess
Maybe it is as you say
it is, now listen carefully
Maybe it isnt as you say
no way, listen to what i speak
We all wanna die
Sometimes
Or so Im told
Its not sometimes
Its everyday
Fighting in my mind
Collapsing slowly with time

Hello little blueberry
I see you
I never thought I'd meet you
Yet here you are
And
There you go
To someone else's arms
My little blueberry
Mine.
No longer mine
Custody I failed to take
I'll love you from afar
thank god
I know who you are

If Id lived in 1933 who would i be?
If id been born a little to the left
Up one floor
6 decades before...
Would I be me?
Of course Id be me
How could I not be me?
But
Which me would I be?
Would I be the Jewish boy in a camp?
Would I have been a poor woman falling for a trap?
Perhaps in 1933 i would have been lucky
In 1933 would i recognize me?
If i went back and saw me
Would I be in bread lines?
Would I be on a boat?
Would I fear for my life?
Would I be a wife?
In 1933 what type of me would i be?

Can i have a cookie?
Brat
Sorry...

7 years old
7 weeks no shower
7 months no real meal
7 minutes of a memory to last a lifetime
6 days since shed eaten
6 months since shed brushed her teeth
6 weeks since she'd seen her father
6 years to learn to be quiet
5 times she asked for help
5 people said no
5 a.m when she'd go to sleep
5 parties a week
4th grade they moved
4 hundred miles away
4 new places
4 new friends
3 years to watch her mom fade
3 months to adjust
3 people to care for her
3 days to learn to care for her mom
2 tests failed
2 hours of sleep
2 grades pass
2 surgeries
1 memorial service
1 girl to be hidden away
1 mom who's gone
1 life forsaken in the rush of loss

Lead weight in the chest
Iron wrapped around the heart
How long until everything falls apart

Everyones a poet
words that changed my life forever
haikus and dodoitsu
sonnets and limericks
sestina and elegy
Poe and Frost
The boy one desk over
The **** across the table
Worlds of letters
Rhymes and rhythms
Made up floogles
They mean whatever you want
love and happiness
sadness and pain
beauty and hideousness
To write is to scream from the silence
To hear a rhythm in ones mind
To read and remember
To feel
That is poetry to me
What is poetry to you?

Write from the heart
i've always  been told
someone someday
will find your words
precious as gold