I used to remember when I was sad
I kept writing and writing and writing and enjoying
The flow of words
Coming out of my pen and on paper
And it looked like pain
It looked like emotions
It poured our of my hands
It poured out of my soul
It poured out of my heart
And cured the pain and sorrow
And made me as light as a balloon
And I could finally float away and move on
Moving on
Moving on
It felt great
It felt like sunshine in my veins and happiness in a glass
And I drank it all
In one go
I would drink it all
Until there was nothing left
But there is nothing left in my soul and no glass and no sorrow and no happiness
But a ball of nothingness struggling to get out
To get out of my system
Of my body
Of my heart and soul
Suffocating me
I want it out
OUT
OUT!!
But it won't
And I am so confused
And there is no glass of happiness and no flow of words and
I am sitting here
And nothing
But
Emptiness

I would hurt myself

             A thousand times

                         If that meant you

                                    Would never hurt me

He smelled like burned meat and cigarettes.
It was terrifying.

Ah, but it burns when you turn away
Knowing I cannot make you stay

I wanted a love that didn't want me

I am a one love at a time kind of girl
The memory of his smile
Still etched on my pillow
His scent
All over my room
Empty now since you left
Two years ago

I am a one love at a time kind of girl
And every love is more heady
More enthrancing than the last
2010 lasted two yearsand a lot of tears
But a stronger heart
2012 lasted two years and a lot of tears
But a wiser heart
2016 is just over now
And it has been two years
I wonder still, what will I have learned,
Now?
I still wonder, how can I love more than I loved you?
But then again
I asked myself that question
Twice already...
As I get older I realize,
The last person I will love will be loved
In a way I have never loved anyone else yet
**How wonderful to realize I have not yet loved as deeply as my heart can love
And what a love it will be

I have become angry.
I was sad, and now I am angry.
I have been told you pass through stages of grief
When the one who got away is indifferent
Indifference hurts.
So does anger.
And anger is building inside me like a volcano
Anger is rising to the surface like burnt milk forgotten on a stove
Anger is seeping into my veins because I have been nothing but nice
Nothing but convenient
Yet
You make me feel like I am a bother
A stain on your carpet you cannot wash out
A nail sticking out of the furniture, just a little
Out of place
You make me feel out of place
I am right where I need to be
Right where I belong
You do not get to kick me out because I have become
Inconvenient
I won't accommodate you any longer
I have been nothing but truthful
Honest
Myself
And you do not get to make me feel any less than that.
I will not stoop so low.
I will not bow down.
I am here to stay.
This is my life.

I forget the need for physical contact
Then it comes
Like a rain
d
  r
    o
      p
On my cheek, after a long, dry summer in the desert
And then the thirst,
the thristthristthristthrist
For the other
thristthristthristthrist
To be wanted, wanted, loved and loved
thristthristthristthrist
To be part of the world like all the others
To be part of the cycle of life
Around which I only turn around,
Trying to find my way
*in

Art is beautiful
It makes life worth it
No matter what you do, whether you write, paint, sew, dance, act, sculpt, all of it is valuable.
It makes our community worth so much more than just a few people worrying about bills and stock market.
Art gives the rest of the world an idea of what your community is like.
What your community enjoys.
What your community is at heart.
Who we are.
As a whole.

Thoughts I had as you drove away
1. You were never as beautiful to me as the moment I realized it was the last time I would see you. I suddenly noticed tiny things about you, like how seeing the back of your neck hurt more than seeing the hue of your eyes.
2. I probably would have eaten that **** bacon quiche if you had cooked it because I don't know how to say no to you when you look at me and let me lose myself in the calm lake of your soul
3. I have wondered three hundred and forty eight times in the past two weeks whether or not you are happy now. I have seen you three times in fourteen days and each time you looked a bit strained, which is strange because I distinctly remember the twinkle in your left eye when we were canoeing and I wonder if it died, or if you hide it under your bed and put it on only for special occasions.
4. I wondered twice as many times when I stopped being a special occasion, if after opening the present, ripping off strands of me to get to my heart, you decided what you found was not worth your light. So you left the box open, the gift wrap spread all over the floor, and you moved on to another present, leaving me long forgotten.
5. Does someone else get to see that spark every now and then?
6. You grabbed my pinkie at that dance and didn't let go, even when the blood rushed out and it turned blue. I didn't want to let go. I think at that point I would have rather lost my finger than let go of you. We had known each other less than twelve hours. You oozed confidence, didn't know the steps and yet you went for it. It was the hottest thing I had ever seen.
7. I thought ****, he is going to be my best friend. We are going to eat pop corn and laugh for hours and sit in silence and if happiness were a glowstick I would wear yours on my wrist and give you mine so I would shine on you and you would shine on me.
8. I never got around to getting my glowstick back.
9. You never got around to giving me yours.
10. If happiness is a glowstick I am a toxic liquid broken by inadvertence and hidden under your bed so you don't see the memories I wrote all over your room when I broke open.
11. I am not alone under your bed. I am a broken glowstick and there's the twinkle of your smile lying beside me quietly, wondering when you will wear it again. It fits you. Just like I fit you.
12. Maybe the things that fit you all end up under your bed because you are afraid we suit you so well you wouldn't be able to remove us from you, we would become like ivy, climbing onto your walls and spreading all around, breaking through your window and intruding into your house like a disease.
13. I am not a disease.
14. I would wrap myself around you and cover you like a precious gift when darkness hits so you would understand you are my heart. I don't need to put you in a box or under my bed. I don't need to put you anywhere. I want to display you, show you off like something fancy I have no right to own and yet. Yet here you are.
15. You were my winning lottery ticket.
16. The moment you drove away, I realized the ticket sat on the empty seat beside you.
17. They announced the numbers on TV tonight, and as I sat here I could not remember what numbers I had chosen. Maybe I won. Maybe I didn't. But because you drove away, I'm afraid I will never know.

I am paralyzed.
I do not know how to be around others anymore.
I stall, freeze, stop, escape.
I cannot be with others.
I am lonely and seek such loneliness because in people's presence I feel suffocated.
I feel judged.
Insecure.
I defend myself only because I seek approval.
I defend myself and lose everytime.
I am barely human anymore.
Music fills my pores with longing and people's voices fill me with emptiness.
I do not belong.
I am not enough I am different.
I seek support but cannot find any walls.
I am down I stand tall.
I am fighting a battle I cannot win.
I am once again alone and facing an army of disapproval.
I am once again no longer enough.
Being myself no longer suffices.
I have to be someone else or battle against them.
I am Troy.
I am surrounded.
My fall in imminent.
I cannot escape.
No one is on my side. I am on no one's side.
I face the battle alone.
I have nothing. No swords no army no power.
I have my own lonely, broken, crumbling mind.
I am burdened with the pressure to be normal. I do not seek normalcy, yet I have no other choice.
**I am losing my mind.

Someone once said I had a good heart. But my heart is dark like heavy poison. If my heart were a planet, it would be a sad planet with no sunsets to look at. No stars to count. My heart is a black hole I have grown tired of looking at. Tired of being faced with emptiness and sorrow, a past I had no control over, drowing memories into a pit of cold tears. My heart is made of nightmares. Monsters hiding in corners, hoping to get a little light to shine. Pain and shadows clogging my throat until I can no longer breathe. Day in and day out, I suffocate.

I open my eyes but all I see is
Black
Blinding lack of bright color I
Try to open my eyes but all I see is the darkness of the world I
Want to see the blue blue sky I
Want to see the pink of love
The red of passion
The green of jealousy
The smile of friendship
The selfless act of kindness I
Want to see the beauty around my dark soul
The cure to cancer and all the diseases that plague the dying world I
Want to see the reason why their eyes light up their faces when mine
Rain all over my cheeks I
Want to believe in the stories told in books
Where the last seven words go
"And they all lived happily ever after"
I want to see
The simple eye contact of attraction I
Want to see the reason why people grin at the world
Want to see the colors of the rainbows but
I'm blind to all the good things in life
I'm blind to all that matters in life I
Am blind to love
Blind to hate
Blind to all the feelings because I am
Blind to the sun, blind to the night as they
Blend together in a grey canvas of hope and despair,
Of black and white
Of presence and absence
Of the reasons why the world is round
And why we have no such thing as peace I
Am blind to the kindness and the hatred I
Am blind to the great big world
As I live in my own universe I
Am a simple galaxy
Waiting for a black hole to finally absorb me in I
Am a grey canvas
And I wait.

Blue is the color
I see in your eyes
When they look down into mine
And I see how you've changed
My life upside down
A labyrinth I can't walk into
Without falling and tripping
But you know I don't care
About those little details
Because you've discovered
My heart
Is bigger than yours
Stronger than yours
Beating louder
Than yours ever will

These hands haven't felt enough
These eyes have seen so much
This heart is broken
If
I sit very still
I can hear my heart *beat beat beating

Inside a dungeon my heart lies quietly
Not beating for anybody
Still waiting for the magic kiss
To make it flutter alive again
But
The first time a man held it
Dropped it and let it break
Since then I couldn't repair it
But I believe if you
Hold my hand tight
Pull me close to you
Give me your strength
Together we could do anything
I believe in you
I believe you can make me believe in us
Reassemble the pieces of my broken heart
Do not let it code of the floor
My heart was a stone
But it's beating again
I thought I would never feel it drum
But…

… Boom
Boom…
…Boom

…Found that extraordinary guy
I simply hope he won't be a lie
Please open my locked heart
Please save my stone heart

I did not need to look at you to know I
Was in trouble I
Could smell trouble from miles away I
Knew you were going to turn everything
On its head
My lucky penny
Heads, you're mine
Tails, you break me
You did not need an invitation to pass
The threshold
My house didn't have a lock to keep you
From breaking and entering
And boy, did you break.
Sat on a chair, made yourself comfortable
Waited for me to drop my guard and let you in
Completely in.
You ruined me.

Breaking things
It's too easy to break things
We all do.
We break glass
Wood
Bones
Hearts.
We all break and we all die
And you can't do anything
We break it all
And try
To sew it back up
Sometimes it works
Sometimes not.
But we are young
Too young to be broken
Too old to be perfect
We make mistakes
We all do.
We lie, we steal, we break.

How can something that was once there, suddenly disappear in the land of forgotten things?  Can you ever get back from this land, or is the journey a one way ticket into oblivion? When you are lost, do you disappear, or do you hang on? Do you exist, can you exist in a world that does not remember you? In a world where no one, nothing looks out for you? Are you still human if no one cares? Or do you become this memory wandering in the path of memories, sometimes thought about but never wished back?

Is it the reason why people **** themselves? Because they left the land of the living by accident, realized it all of a sudden, tried to get back there but realized no one wished them back? Maybe that's what fairies are. People who ended their lives because they were lost, and were offered the possibilities to grow wings and come back to grant wished to those who were getting so lost, the only resort was to wish upon a star to help them be found? Maybe, when you are truly lost, you cn never be found again. Maybe, if you get lost, no matter how many times you **** yourself to be found again, it just ends up killing you anyway. Mayeb there is no escape.
Getting lost must be awful. But getting lost and never finding your way back… that… It knows no pain. You belong in a pit of depthless sorrow and missing objects no one ever bothered to claim. And even as you disappear, you realize it may be the last time you ever see the light.
Being found, though? I wish I knew that feelings. But I can only imagine. The explosion of your heart as it breaks only to build itself up again. The tights chest suddenly relieved from all the pain. And the eyes of the person who found you. Thoses stay forever engraved in your mind, their name on your lips and their soul on your heart.

I often wonder
If stuck in the mud
Would have turned into tag
And if instead of wondering if you'll ever come and save me
You would have been running to me instead

The wind is cold and the spirits are high
In my tiny heart lies a little spark
Dark thorns surround heavy trunks
The colourful bulbs flash on and off
And light up the crazy smile I wear
When you're around

You are like a christmas present
I want to open you up wide
And see what you hide
Unravel the wrapping paper
Crush it in my fists, it doesn't matter
I want to know who you are

Inside

You put your hand on my heart to warm it up
And squeezed so hard you left claw marks
On my broken chest

"I have been clean for three weeks, now," I say. She looks up, stares for a long time. I try to hide my fear behind exhaustion. I don't want her to know how bad it used to get. How bad I needed to let go. How hard it was for me to do so. How, sometimes, the pull is there, just on the side of my brain, whispering, urging me to follow it, upstream, where the tumbled thoughts drown me.
"I'm proud of you", she says. I want to say thank you very much, it means a lot. Instead, I close my eyes against the pain in my heart. My shoulders sag and my features crumble. I wish I'm proud of you were the words I wanted to hear. They're not.
I love you, are the words I need. The words you left out my front porch, where the prints of your loafers are still embedded in my memories. I sniffle and take a breath. I have been clean for three weeks and you will not invade my mind once again. Letting you roam my thoughts again would destroy me this time around. I breathe and appraise myself.
"Thanks. Want to get some ice cream?"
"Sure. I'm paying", she stands up and pulls me up. This is what I need. Someone to pull me up. So I let myself smile, let her swipe away my tears, and let her bottle you inside once again. The smile gets bigger, and my taste buds sparkle.
"There, I'd almost missed this", she says.
"Missed what?" I manage to pronounce around a mouthful.
"You. This is who you are, Mary. You are strong. Funny. Incredible. This is who you are."
"I'd lost myself for a while, I think", I say slowly. She nods. She understands. "Thank you for saving me, Jul', it means a lot."
The words lift my chest higher than clouds, and my breath is light with freedom.
This is who I am.

They call it
The liquid of Gods
The reason our eyes open, come morning
As the aromatic taste dances in our mouths we
Close our eyes to feel the magic
Of the drink designed to wake us up
And the bitter taste on our tongues
Eliciting smiles or hard faces
They call it
The liquid of Gods
But I know for sure
It's
Just
Coffee

She hadn't expected to feel this way.
This cold.
The feeling was foreign, like a long lost memory you couldn't quite place. The chill in her bones and the darkness surrounding her suffocated her, like being held underwater for too long.