"are you okay?"
this is a question in which I've answered with a variety of letters carelessly formed into words laced into scentances

and I've been telling myself and others that "yes, I'm okay" or "I'm fine" or "just tired" and I've been saying it over and over again in my mind because maybe if my mind screams "YOU'RE FINE" my heart will hear and believe it

but when "I love you" turns to "*******" or "you're not good enough" or no resoponse at all

it's certainly not okay
and I am certainly not okay
but maybe if I keep telling myself that I am, I will be
maybe

last summer
I met a boy of 6 feet tall
he is two years older than me
he listens to punk rock
has an alcoholic father,
and his kisses
are sweeter than honey
and softer than silk

we spent countless, long, dreamy
cold, rainy, humid
nights
in my backyard
with the smell of too much hairspray
which I can not bring myself to smell again
and mosquito spray which I never apply anymore
11pm
4am
the hours passed by like minutes, seconds

under the stars
telling secrets
I was scared
scared of losing him
even though he was already lost

fading
disapearing
slowly and then all at once

hallways
silence
stares
me alone
him and her

11pm
4am
hours seem like eternitys, milleniums
crying
flashbacks
thinking about the us that will never be
blood spills on the paper
spelling out your words, promises
do I even cross his mind
maybe  probably not  no

I'm sorry I wasn't
skinny
pretty
funny
admirable
good
enough

I'm sorry

we didn't even say goodbye

goodbye, Brandan