Aah, I love the cold
Almost harsh, or really harsh
Winter months
I love walking then
Walking alone
For miles and miles
Minutes and hours
I could keep walking
If there weren't parents
To reassure, a family,
A warm home to go back to
A dragging commitment
That is binding in every
Single link I've ever made

I could keep walking otherwise
Just a light jacket, hardly appropriate
For the weather, the temperature
Numbed by the chill
The soles of my feet sting
My feet wrinkled, grated against
My sandals, hardly sufficient
Completely dry skin, also cold
Almost too numb, maybe too corpse-like
No socks, no scarves, no gloves
No caps, no protection
Because protection is only needed
When there is an enemy

I could stay like this forever
A thought strikes me while I walk
That maybe this hopeless love
Exists solely because I am the closest
The closest I can be to being me
As I walk, and hide, and revel
Maybe even reveal Me

I silently lose myself in contemplation
Because the days are shorter
There is more space, more time to hide myself
Under warm blankets, comfortable clothes,
A cup of hot chocolate, in the cold starry nights
The sting on my cheek
That I lightly touch, can be disguised
Explained away as the caress of the cold wind

This loneliness that grows inside me
It is already so tired
Of seeing people walk away
That it is too tired, too weary
To talk to anyone, so it hides
Underneath the surface,
Appearing so much more closer
Than it ever has in these few months

I am raw, almost bleeding,
Waiting for the stars to come out
Just so they can shine on me
Over my head, down on me
With me, maybe even communicate with me
I'll pick up my drink
Acknowledge their presence
And drink to them and their beauty
Their unimaginable beauty that Always,
Without Fail, takes my breath away
My self rubs against my facade
So raw but it doesn't even matter
It is the closest to the surface
As I raise my drink and almost imagine
Myself in this lonely cold urbanscape
With all the scars, every **** thing
Not a thing out of place,
I almost imagine myself beautiful*
Revitalised but then this self withdraws
Back insideinsideinside
My facade still rubbed raw

Ah, but what a beautiful time
The cold times on the terrace
The chilling walks down nostalgia lane
No more brown leaves
Just a mere peak here and there
Like a little troublemaker
Waiting for me to go away again

*Winter is... truly one of my favourite seasons

The ceiling fan makes a comforting noise
As it whirs gently, with the premonition
That winter is near

She sits up hesitantly, somewhat afraid
That there might be something there
She just woke up from one of those nightmares
She could barely control her breathing
Fear and anxiety painted in her eyes

She's almost used to it, or so she thinks,
Till it happens again
She begins to shake just a bit
Almost subtly
She doesn't want- need- to think
Any more

She switches on another one of those gizmos
Whiles her night away
So she doesn't have to sleep
She doesn't need to go back
To those **** nightmares

A chill runs down her spine
But she turns up the music a little louder
She doesn't dare to cry
Scared of being heard,
Scared of acknowledging
That which lies silent, looming ahead
In the darkness

She doesn't want to because
Once she does, it would be tougher
To tell herself that they
Hardly matter

That they are not premonitions
Of the future

I saw you

I saw your brain spilling out its cerebellum, medulla oblongata, etc

All over- unrecognizable

indistinguishable

I saw

I thought those were some kind of pink pulses

Lord knows, weirder things have been found

and seen

I saw


I saw

I hope there is justice for you

I will pray for your soul

My soul will meet yours
when the knell rings for me


I hope you find peace

I hope you know that I called

And called and tried and tried

To help you even though you were already gone

I saw your friend- his eyes, his expression


I really did try
Please find yourself another life

I hope your friend finds peace
Knows it wasn't all his fault
I hope his eyes lose the haunted shocked expression
I really wish he can drive again

I hope he can continue working
- he looked like one of those people
you know those ones?
working hard to make it out of drudgery?

I hope he makes it through this
And I really really wish you guys hadn't had a fight before this

Find peace
Go safe
Go softly

Your death was sudden
Ripped out of this earth
Like you were never meant to exist
That was meant to be me

I hope it didn't hurt too much

And those ******* that did this to you?
I hope they didn't mean it
I wish they hadn't been high before this

Your death shouldn't be meaningless
And although
You might be simply another obituary in tomorrow's newspaper

This poem will say

"I saw you.
I prayed for you.
I greeted you.
I witnessed your existence.
You meant something
Just as your death did.
I wish you peace and that you go
Safely, soundly
Wishing you that your loved ones
Remember you with love
And maybe some heartbreak
But they find strength.
Tonight,
I
s   a   w
You"

At night, you sit and you make plans
- Houses, cars, babies, insurance
Just so many plans, in case something
Does not work out
You share some with him

He knows about your little problems
The ones you don't talk about
In polite company as you sneak away
Take your little white pills so you
Can keep it a secret for another day

You make so many lists of things
Things needed to build up your dreams
Different lists for every dream
It's exhausting, exacting work
But you sit up through the nights

Do it anyway, asking for his input
You were a little scared the first time
You showed him a list, told him about
Your little habit. He didn't even blink
As he started debating the finer points

His ease, total acceptance, took you aback
No one had done that for you- no one
You always had trouble verbalising how
Much it meant to you but he understood
Not a word from you, but he looked you in the eye

And he understood. It was tough going
There were nights when he could not handle
Some other things- small things- like toilet seats,
Other males in your life, but never your lists
It terrified you some times and you had to leave

You took a long time- maybe, too long- getting
Used to his presence, his little habits as well
But the both of you stuck it out together
Despite your differences. He tolerated things
- Loved the things- others could never stand about you

The plans now included him. Despite your
Competitive behaviour and the slight bits
Of insane and inane that you were, he became
Part of your world. People generally had no
Place there but he became a common fixture

You slowly started to believe

"He was in an accident. We're sorry but nothing could be done.
Could you please come to the hospital
For identification immediately, Miss?"

Your plans broke down and you could only watch
As they tumbled down, down into the sea of endless despair
Your lists were all useless now. All that work that
Included him, useless. You couldn't believe it
- the plans, the lists! Barely a thing could be heard,
Seen over all that wasted paper, all that time

(he said he'd be back in an hour or so
you were supposed to go out for lunch)

Your breath stopped. It nearly stopped and
You could only clutch your head, grip your hair
As you struggled to get a grip on yourself
On your perception of reality. He was gone
You were here. And there was nothing else

You looked up, horrified at all the desks and drawers
You frantically ripped them all out, hunted them all down
Tossed them together in a pile on the floor of your
Living room. All those lists, now just worthless bits of paper
With bits of optimistic, fictional words on them

You hated yourself. You dreaded, loathed, badly wanted to
Hurt yourself. Not the other driver, never anyone else
You hate yourself and you knocked back more than
The prescription said and you lit the entire pile on fire
As you went back to sleep. Tomorrow was another day.
There were things to be done. But before you let yourself
Get lost in sirens, neon lights, the could-bes and the accusations
Present in your nightmares, you took another piece of paper
And noted down, 'Funeral'.

Looking for an out
And escape,
How far are you willing to go?
Till Death you say,
That's a long way,
I say.

"Two roads diverged in a yellow wood one day..."

Which road to choose now we've come this far
dagger held to throat, blade over artery
How far indeed.
Would it be weakness to withdraw
Would it be attention-seeking to continue
Oh, some respite from this self-loathing
I changed, and you don't even know me.
I don't know me.
A day, an hour, a minute, a moment, a second
They become smaller, smaller, smaller.
The pain gets magnified
I feel it in my bones
Death doesn't lie far
- Whether spiritual, physical
Or finally, mental, still remains to be seen
I wish I'd foreseen this


We wish a number of things
Unusual things, each as pure as black.
We wish we had a place, a position to
Change the world to our liking
Let's admit it - it would never suit everyone
Machinery, we are. Machinery, we will remain.
A few draw closer to escape
Oh sweet, merciful, hellish escape  


"And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth"

The waves reach out on the shores
of everlasting peace

and solitude

Trees hang plentiful
the sky overcast with green-blue tones

the sun shines down
warm
sweet breeze whispering secrets
to the canopy

a slight sound accompanies
with its slow hissing sound

the ship burns slow, large, majestic
towering
on the horizon miles away


the ship lies broken driftwood
Breaking down
Medley of browns
greens
and
Crimson Reds

Wet, shredded, decayed

washing up on the shore

Maybe they always did, love,
But it always escaped our eyes
As we stared at the skeletal
growth of this pain


Maybe the ground always did run into the skies
But we were too busy thirsting the night

To remember
recall

and forget

How were we to notice
When we were so caught up
Choking in the thunderstorm
of our failure?

Yes,
Yes it sounds a hell load more sexier
To say I nearly jumped off a terrace
Or
I used to slit my wrists

Than tell you that
yesterday
The lights
Went green
And I
I don't know what come over me
But I walked to the middle of
One of the busiest crossings
And attempted
To peer into my future
In the headlights
Of a bus

I find it easier
To tell people
That I am a head-case
And they should stay away
Rather than tell them
That I sat up the whole night
Crying
On my birthday
Because I felt like a Giant Mistake

I find it easier
To tell people these lies
I still call myself honest
Wonder if that makes me a liar

I find it easier to describe
The pretty way the lights danced inside her eyes
When I brought her something entirely unexpected
But I won't talk about the dark, gaping hole
In my heart,
When I realised that I wasn't worth a **** to her

I don't talk about things that affect me
If my face goes pallid
And someone asks me why
I'll tell them it's cause I didn't sleep
What I won't tell them
Is that half the night was spent
Wondering how I came to be
And the other, thinking about how repulsed I am by myself

I won't talk about the way
I flinch
Whenever someone touches me
I won't mention the fact that I was molested
By my best friend
But I'll sound close to tears as I describe
My sorry friend's case who didn't know what to do about it

There are some things
Which aren't any of your ******* business
But it's **** difficult
To keep everything to yourself
When you've got anonymity protecting you
And no shoulder
To cry upon

I've always hated my birthday

Yeah, I'm reaaally tipsy

And you know what?
That's alright.
That's perfectly fine.
'Cause I've got all these scars
Which I can't stop
Re-examining
Over and over again

It's routine to me, by now

This is less polished than the other poems
Maybe cause I don't even bother
With re-reading this piece
I want it to be brash
Honest

Just like me
All tears,
Jagged edges
Hurt and pain
All over
Just like me

I hate the sound of silence
So I've got music blasting
Away on earphones

(Makes it a little easier
to welcome the light
in the morning)

But
That's all cool
That's perfect

I am going to be fine

A year less to live
But it's alright
Let's raise a toast to that

Do you want me to lie and say I am fine? |  ^_^
No, I'm not okay. But I will be.                   | :P
(ah, the brilliance of mixed messages)
I will pick the pieces off the floor
I will mend my own heart
Open up my scars again
Let them bleed out once more
I'll heal them again
With my own strength
Maybe I'll frown, cry, get depressed
Maybe even contemplate suicide
But there's no cure for this
Unless it comes from
My own two hands
So I'll take them, set them to work
I'll make my scars scab over
Through sheer willpower alone
Don't you dare look at me
With those curious eyes
It just makes me want
To slap you even more
Don't give me your pity,
Your sympathy
They are all worthless because
Neither could mend this broken heart
I'll clean up after myself
I will set to right what I did wrong
And if I can't, then I'll carry
That cross heavy on my back
I will pick up all those little
Shards of myself lying on the floor
Any molecules of the element Me
That have wandered away
I will attract back
If not, I'll chase them
So they can form a complete Me again
I will shovel myself a grave
But I'll do it standing strong
I'll falter, but my determination
It burns, it sears
It might not be a forest fire
But it's candle light,
Just enough to see by
Thank you very much and
Now you can show yourself out
It's nothing personal
I just need to do this myself

I can hear the sound of rain
Against the asphalt
The cars honking with
The almost unheard birds
Just a beat behind
But what stands out in my memory
Are the smoky grey skies
And the tree barks looking like
Shades of watercolour brown
Everything shining
Steaming silently, looking silvery
Peaceful
I remember a number of things
But I cannot forget
That smell
So reminiscent of rain

When Death comes by
Do you really see a man, a mere human?
Is it possible that an entity as ancient could be so?
It’s been there longer than any of us
Seen more than we could imagine
It would make the bravest demigods
Children again, crying for their mothers
It's an entity as old as Change and Time
- Something not many can claim
It's seen Change and stagnation
Seen triumph, as well as the bitter tears
Of one who has lost everything,
Including their own identity,
After having known ‘everything’.

I am Fire and I am Ice.
Get too close to me and you will be,
Changed, for better or worse.
You will be changed. Anything that
Comes near me does. I am inescapable.

Even galaxies explode, even stars fall
I am inescapable. I am indestructible
Come to me and you'll lose yourself
Look me in the eye and you shall see
A reflection. You will be changed.
The worst scars I give, remain unseen
You've looked me in the Eye, and now,
You pay the price, with nothing less
Than Mind, Heart and Soul. Bodies are
Now reparable. Scars can be hidden
The soul and your heart... That is where
Your true weakness lies and I leave the
Marks of my possession there. I am neither
Moral nor immoral. I am and I remain.
Some might romanticise my presence, but
I am neither good, nor bad. I simply Am.
I might bring pain or I may bring salvation
I am as I have been and as I shall remain
Humanity will come and go, the Milky Way
Will be extinguished. I will remain.
After all, I Am.

I don't know about the world
I have never believed in anything
anyone

But I believe in her

To the end of the universe
Because when the stars burn

And heaven decides it has had it
Hell wants me
My soul is shattered
And pulled everywhere at once

When I can't stop the shaking
The earth floor is pulled out
From beneath my feet

When my world fades
I look around furiously

But I cannot see what everyone else
Focuses on

And I cannot understand the colourless
World around me
Just blurs and shapes
With white noise surrounding me

Standing in the middle of a crossroads
With lorries bearing down
Without brakes
From all directions




My god,
I believe in her





*she'll be there

I nearly tore myself into a million
Billion little pieces so many times
Was on the brink of something
So destructive too many times
As I see this happening,
This thing with no one caring about
What scarring remains
I hide them quickly, carefully
Too much experience at it
But I hide it away, quieten it
For another day. Damp the pain
So when I'm alone, I can let it return
Let it shake my soul, my will power
At two in the morning, I wish
That I could just let it be for just
A moment so that I can rest for
Forever and a day. My thoughts
They strike too close, do not try
And understand. I would just like
To be given a hug, warmed over
By something as trivial as a smile
What I would not do for someone
To see me for a change but now
It hardly matters, because you
They don't see me
They never did anyway and
I would be ****** if I allowed
Myself near such people ever again
I had rather become a wallflower
Dead on my eighteenth birthday
Discovered lying in a pool of my own blood
My entire life's work burning alongside
Don't blame yourself mom, don't
Blame yourself dad, not you either brother
This was my decision. In the end, I was
Too weak and it was only the thought of you
That kept me here till today.

They burnt the entire house down
But the screams still ring out
The atrocities committed, permitted to happen
Can never be taken back, by a simple apology
And a promise to never let it happen again
The deaths, the humiliation they suffered
Are imprinted in their heads

By the time they find out
It would have been too late
A man with a boy's heart
has been set free
And he shan't stop till
He's taken everything
This world has to offer

(- secretly, he wishes that
he'd burn and the world,
the world would burn alongside him
his brain fragments
united for once, only once, in misery)

He chances upon others, his victims
They prostate in-front of him
They mirror the screams inside his head
For a short while, his retribution is fulfilled
But the screams soften to gasps,
Cries of mercy
Till they harshly grind to a halt
As he is painted crimson,
The screaming starts again
- It never stops. It just fades
into the background for a little while

For a second, he knows
Something is wrong
Something doesn't feel right
Right before he finds
Another prey.

Atrocities committed
At the dead of night
She runs, feet pounding
Against the pavement
Desperately trying

t
o

f
i
n
d

a

w
a
y

o
u
t

Poor little girl
Darling little girl
She almost made it

I know you imagine me to be strong
Build me up in this image
Of a person with attitude, guts
Too much anger, too headstrong
Too much of a stereotype,
Too much of a misfit

But I don't ask that you think differently
You see I am sort of used to people walking away
And I had rather you see me as infallible
Than as something to be pitied, as someone vulnerable
To their cheap attacks, to your barbed remarks
I wish that you would- could - understand
That I am something terribly moody
But I can be good. Yes, I am good

I can be better if you'd listen to me
Let me in but don't demand too much from me
I will try to leave everything undisturbed
Heal a scar or two then walk out from your heart
Without having occupied any position of interest
Or importance

I wouldn't mind. I have been relegated to the background
once again
But I am infallible

My scars aren't meant to be pitied
Or sympathized with
I hate that you think you can understand
When you don't
I don't care about what you've been through
Until you've been with me for years
You've seen all that I have to offer
Because believe me
I'd never trust anyone with everything
If they haven't even been around that long

Some might think this is all there is to it
But I can tell you that there are a million things
Left to learn about me
So wait. Calm yourself. Let us be but don't just let me be
Don't rush for me, don't slow down for me
Just let me walk at my own pace but if you see me falter,
Then check if I'm fine. Make it known that you care
Believe me it helps when I'm with a blade.
You don't know how the simple gestures affect me

How they shake the ground beneath my feet
How they make me smile
How my world changes

So please. Just care for me. But don't ask- demand- too much of Me
Don't put me up on some pedestal, don't think of me as fragile
My scars, the ones I will slowly begin to show to you,
Aren't indicators of that.
I am proud of them- intensely proud
I've fought and I've died a million times on the inside
I've cried and I hated myself the most through these years

(I used to tell myself those barbed remarks
Every single criticism, I would sit up and repeat it to myself
So that I never got ahead of myself
Everything they said, how much they didn't like me,
Didn't care for me.
I sat up and repeated all of that to myself
Every. God. ****. Night.
Hoping someone would call just so I'd have an excuse to quit
But no one ever did -was ever up, ever available- at such times
So I'd just continue)

Despite everything, inspite of everything
I stopped. I had the strength- with or without
Anyone- anyone- being there
Respect- love- me a little bit for it
Hate that I do this to myself
Tearing into myself,
Tearing myself down into such tiny pieces
Making myself into this small entity
Hate it. Detest it. Loathe it.

Tell me that.

But never stop telling me
Don't do that blindly though
Please listen to me as well
Don't blind yourself to how
I am marginally better everyday
Even if there are so manymany setbacks
Be honest with me
I wouldn't care if you talked badly of me then
Because I'd know that you truly loved me then
(yes. yes, i would)

So please. Just give yourself
Just give me  
A chance to be who I am around you
Don't expect it to happen too fast
I swear I'll be there by your side
If you called for me
I'd always look out for you
I would stick up for you
When your lover wouldn't do that either
Don't be afraid of how different
And moody I am
I'll always be there for you
Just call me
And give us time-time-time

First,
You teach me to think
With my own brains
Feel out my way
With my own feet
Treat me the same
As the boys


Second,
You put me in a school
Where they teach me to read
- oh, what a world!
They teach me to look
At international
Literature
- Marge Piercy,
Maya Angelou
And the like

Next,
You show me the crimson
Powder meant for foreheads
A deeper red for blood
Spilt on beds.
A life of compromise
And adjustment


Ripping out my ideas
And opinions
Telling me they're worthless
A baby, a house,
A life of adjustment
Is all this was meant for.


Tearing my beliefs
In an equal world
An equal society
Where society rises
To meet human morality


Is this what you taught me to read for?
Sorry sirs, ladies.
I tip my hat and bow.
Sorry to disappoint.
I was meant for an equal position
And I'll take it
- by force or mutual
compromise.

If we called them threads,
and managed to catch them
in the palm of our hands
and just hold it there forever,

Would that make it easier?
Would that make life better?
Will it make us happier?
Will it be like a little charm
exchanged in-between friends?

The kind that makes a person
grin? The kind that they take
out and stare at secretly when
the world has walked out on them
and it still makes them smile?

If we could call the rays of the
sun, thread and tie it around
our wrist, like a symbol for something
bigger than you and me, like a symbol
of change, could we be happy again?

Maybe we would be, but would it
scorch us and brand us with it's
unforgiving heat? It would look like
a burn from rope tied too tightly and
for too long, showing our courage,
our will to look ahead.
A will made of fire.

With such a bright, harsh symbol,
would the facades of many crumble to
reveal their intentions?
Would anything come out of it but anarchy?
Anything but turmoil and not knowing
whom to trust.

That symbol of change and hope and something
so much more bigger than humanity itself
What would happen if we could hold
one ray of sunlight in the palm of our hands?

Boring clothes
Quiet unvoiced thoughts
Loud voice
Loud presence

I walk barefoot on stone during the day
Hoping that my feet will sting with the
Heat of a thousand suns
Encouraging the lashing of a thousand storms
Against my back
For the mistakes I made yesterday,
That I repeated a million times
The memory of your smile
Twists a blade into my guts
I recall your expression as you turned
Away, winning what was first mine
I reminisce as I see you drawing in
What once was mine
I turn away, hiding a knowing smile
This pattern is too continuous,
Too repetitive, for me to be surprised
Any more
I encourage severance of all bonds
When I wish for the pain,
Believe that it will cleanse me
Of my sins, drawing blood in exchange
For the lies that I told, the wrath I displayed
I am hardly a believer, but I still wish
That I'd see a smile, a kind smile,
Directed towards me, genuinely,
Just for a change, from the
Hostility that surrounds me
The doubts that colour everyone's
Perceptions. Hope that I'll see
A Friendly face today

That girl wouldn't dare see
Wouldn't dare know
The fate of another girl
Half-way across the world
Who tried to see

Despite all her misgivings
She did
She tried, she leant over
Bent backwards
And did her best
Stayed up all night
Unraveling those tangled threads

But she fell
She fell
She fell
She fell
You won't ever know how hard

She pretends to not see
Sometimes
But they come back
And they wave in crimson-tainted,
Guts splattered, dreams
They kick her
They wish she wasn't there

And sometimes.
Sometimes, she imagines giving up
Imagines living a life
Where she could hide

Hide
Behind her laptop screen her whole life
A life where she could sleep
Sleep at a time when everyone went to bed
Or if just a bit before,
Then nothing better

She wished she could hide.

Those falls left her lonely
Gut-clenchingly lonely
That girl is me.

Broken
Is not being shattered
Into a million pieces
Broken
Is not being suicidal
Though that certainly is a part
Broken
Isn't when the pieces don't fit
Or you keep trying
But it keeps falling apart
Broken
Means not knowing what to do
With those pieces
Broken
Is being unable to meet people's eyes
Because you don't know what the hell
You're doing there either

Broken
Is 3:40 AM
Looking into the eyes
In the mirror

After some time,
You know that
They don't
They can't
Understand  
That scars like these...
They don't go away
They don't fade
They come knocking
At midnight to tell you
About how they've
Festered for so long
Even after, you talk them out
Resolve them, lay them to sleep
They revisit you, dragging you back
To memories best forgotten
Touches burnt on your skin
Half-remembered words,
Hateful, disgusted expressions
Cheapened expressions
That make your soul unclean

Ordinary, everyday people
Could never understand  
Why you need to look away
Fidget so much, the hidden
Violence with which you **** back
When someone touches
Upon such sensitive issues
Maybe you talk it over with them
Once, perhaps, and then they think
That it is gone, it is laid to rest
But what they fail to realise
Is that it comes back, creeping
Crawling, taking you over again
They'll turn away, disgusted
Because they don't know the
Impacts of long-term exposure
To slow poisoning of heart, veins, lungs

And they'll turn away
Repulsed, disinterested
When you come crying
Begging for some help
Some solitude
Because you can never
Make them feel  
The pent-up emotions
Over a decade
The unseen scars
These little things
Have left you with
They will not see
The confusing mixed
Messages being sent
By those other people
They will not understand
That you're not looking
For something you've
Lost, right there,
Sitting on the ground,
Almost helplessly,
On your knees

In fact, you're looking
For something
That was never yours
To have in the first place
(peace, solitude,
no more loneliness,
no more emptiness)

Something
you have
(never had)
Permanently
Lost

I was drowning in depression
Desperation
I just needed someone to talk to

But I figured
There's nothing better than this
So I remained sitting
Cross-legged
On the floor of my bathroom cubicle
Jets of ice-cold water pouring
Over my head
My forehead
Eyes, Nose
Legs
Dripping down
Down
As a cloud of grey  
Enclosed me
Within itself

How do I even battle this
I thought
But that was just momentary
And it slipped away
Down, down, down
My mood remained downcast
Dreary

I wish the world could
W o u l d  f a d e  t o  g r e y

There are people who try to bring you down
Sometimes, they even succeed

They could be anyone-
People whom you nearly entrusted everything with
Everything
And some to whom you did give everything
Each little thing

They tell people those things
You find out one day
When you think things are fine
Maybe you haven't talked to them for a bit
But you think that what you had
Is still there

Then someone comes,
Taps you on the shoulder
Tells you about what they've heard
You stand there
One second, two seconds

You don't allow yourself more

Put on a poker face
Say with a grin,
"Ah, that's all ****"

Refuse to believe it
Till you've confirmed it with them
You've always been stupidly willing
Like that

You'd take it at face value
If they just looked you in the eye
And told you everything honestly
You'd let it pass

Sure, you'd get mad
But you'd let it pass

You're stupid like that

But they don't
You remain stupid
Aloof, mean, hurtful

Brush it off with a grin
Treat them like yesterday's news
Move on to someone else
Shed your literal tears at night
Over a stupid scrap of paper
In black and blue ink
Let it bleed there for a bit

Tell yourself you're fine

I have heard that words strain
But I have never felt it as acutely
Hypothesizing as lustreless
Than when I spoke
Trying to paint you images
Speculation in rhyme
Present a piece of my soul
Save some secrets
Sealed behind some lines
But speech failed me
And words
Strained and shattered
But even so
A strand of a connection shines
**Can you see it?

For this little mote of dust,
Across the seven oceans,
The planets will bend,
Space will fold to
Accommodate us, our hearts
Just so we can be together
For one more night
As we sit together,
And I cry on your shoulder
The planets will **** well bend
Tonight, even if I had to carry their
Weight on my insignificant shoulders
For the rest of eternity
Tonight, I can't be without you,
Your voice, that gives me hope
Even when I've lost my faith
Just for one more night
Which I can spend with you
Letting my voice reach you
When I cry on your comforting shoulder
While I hold you up with my belief in you
As sobs rack my frame and the night
Gets darker, they develop into laughter
Space will fold, if only,
For one night

I was all edges and jaded eyes
Long before
you met me, with sweet smiles
- all teeth
My laugh gets louder
I get taller
But I was only edges
Before you met me

I'm sorry but I think
You would've liked me
Before when I was innocent,
always straightforward

Than this twisted
Hardened joke I've become.

You need to go.
Before I become too dependent
You have to go.

Poems
are to be quietly
silently whispered
over fires made
out in the chilly cold

Shared, with shifty eyes,
trembling fingers,
trembling voice,
trembling lips,
shaking hands

Reverently whispered
so that the wind
catches the words,
tosses them away
so no one may ever
misuse them again

Poems are to be shared
hiding away
from the world

you said you wanted to see
but I felt it could never be


you circle scars
i circle


we've gone ways, love

i said




when they marched in

they saw
they condemned


could barely move a muscle


but the walls didn't hold
and the passersby

have just had it with us


and our airy tones
  weighed down


we couldn't help ourselves
love, let alone each other


we saw the skies bleeding red





*or was it just us?

I sometimes wish
This is all we'd be
Here is infinity
Nothing above our heads,
Nothing below
Too many moments gone by
Time to return to reality
Feel the solid ground below
*****, I hit it too hard

Sweet, sweet lies dropped into my ear,
Whispered slowly, so slowly, drawled out
In that voice of yours.
You swore, so heart-breakingly sure, that you'd
Never go back to her. You promised you
wouldn't and you'd be thrice ******
Before you did. I looked into your shining eyes
And I let myself believe.
You told me you wouldn't go back to her,
Her vapid smiles, how she enjoyed hurting you,
Like you enjoyed hurting me.
You said I wouldn't find you regretting that you
Left her. You said you'd rather **** yourself.

One fine day, she appeared on the doorstep
She was everything I thought she'd be-
Beautiful, graceful, deadly.
You didn't stand a chance.
She beckoned and you ran back to her,
Ready to be her pack horse again.
Something told me that I'd be seeing you again
Seeing you when you repeated it all over again.

My fists hurt, they sting
From overuse on that
Little ******* who dared
Call you a *****
With all his little *******
Friends, who now lie
With him on the floor
All covered with blood
Bruises already purpling
All over their ******* bodies

I feel my mobile vibrate
I start in surprise
Most people have given up
On my technological habits
By now, they don't bother
A smile overtakes my face
When I see her name
But a car honks and
I barely step out of its
Way. The phone goes inside
My pocket, forgotten again

I wished she'd look me
In the eyes and just hold me
Even if just for the night
Though I can't ever stay
After every run,
I would return to her,
Her arms, her scent,
The sound of her heart

But she never does tell me
Those little worthless boxes
That we call cell phones
Might be revered but
They don't compensate
For the times when she
She's in-front of me, her eyes
Looking straight into mine
Her smile burning, in my vision

If she stood like that,
And just told me
I would run, run, run

But every night, when suspicious
Sounds can be heard outside
I would come in through her window
Take the extra pillow
Accept her heart,
Engulf her within my arms
Simply stay for the night
Just hold her and be still
Protect her, comfort her
If only for that night

I'd pray for subsequent nights
But that would be the only time
The only person, I'd ever, ever
Stay for, if only for a few hours
Every day.

I am not one of those people who put up angry notes because of some crazy impulse or a destructive desire to rail against everything that is wrong with the world.
I am not the person whose hands shake so violently,
Whose body shudders so uncontrollably,
That I cannot type straight

But today, I just found out
That people
They pick up my poems
My emotions
Tangible
heavy
difficult
Solidified
Are being picked up
Likened to rags
And treated as cheap caricatures
Of the life I've led

If only they had ever felt
That gut-clenching fear
Of something beneath the surface
The scars that have faded
Covered by new skin
Over the years

If they felt
The need to end their own life
As acutely
As I do

I've never stopped
Not even once
Since the past seven years
It's been right here

Hidden underneath the layers
In between the lines
Read deeper if you dare

Copulation
- meaning of entire human
civilization

I've never felt good enough

*The raindrops hide the tears
The tears chase down the raindrops

Don't you ever wonder where we went so wrong,
How we went so wrong,
When we went so wrong
To go as far as to condemn someone
For doing what we would have done in a heartbeat
A millennium ago?
Don't you take some time off to wonder
When the lines between justice and hypocrisy
Became so blurred? When justice became just
Another tool to be used to shut the masses up.
When justice was used as an excuse to draw
Wool over our eyes.
My words of course, don't rhyme
They just convey what we wish we
Could say to the faces of those
Who do these wrongs.
But every single, little time,
We draw back. Due to fear of
God-knows-what. Maybe sticks,
Maybe stones, maybe feuds,
Maybe because the one in the
Mirror would call us fools for
Even trying, maybe because
One day we will be the same.

You
Are quiet
Almost reverent
As you touch
What remains
Of her memories
His memories
You recall
With fondness
And tears
As you consider
All that they had done
Her memories
Laced with a certain
Bitter-sweetness
Reminiscent of your
Pointless rebelliousness
I am sure
The screams figuratively
Ring out when you talk
Silently, reverently
Of their memories
As we watch, respectfully
When you lay down
Your ode for your parents

I am talking
At walls and mirrors

I have deleted
Your number

I am trying
To forget his name

I have been shutting
Everyone's existence out



This is how I need to be
This is what I need to do
I need to focus on what I have now

But
Work still does not get done
And I still cannot focus.






.

As it approaches 10 PM
I put the world on hold
I log out of everything
Switch on a song where
They warble and talk about
Love and it's frailty
I reach over to my mobile
Select 'Switch Off' from
The various options
Lights seem too harsh now
Something in my heart squeezes
My stomach tingles
Briefly I wonder why I feel this pain
Today was a perfectly alright day

As I open a window and start typing
Trying to vent this clenching
This horrific, cancerous pain
Hoping that it'll be enough for me to
Hold on for another night
Enough to keep the nightmares away
Just for one more night
Now my very body protests
Against the thought of school tomorrow
It'd like one day, a whole day
Spent sleeping on it's back, looking up
Up and away, where the clouds are,
The setting sun and the stars now
The moon shining bright
Nothing but a cool breeze and a hammock
That nestles me for one whole day
No calls, no noise
Simply, the sound of silence
Whispering in my ears

Things they do not tell you about goodbyes:

No one tells you
When you walk out of your house

Your home,
For all purposes

That sometimes
You don't miss it

You do not turn around on your ankle

Look at those heights

And want to return


No one tells you
That even when you travel to the absolute extent
Of this earth

You will find that people will still be the same
You will still be the same


No one tells you
That sometimes
You do not miss
What you left behind


They will not tell you
That you will find comfort in
Dark, frightening places with unfamiliar faces
In shadows

They do not tell you
That
You
Will still be
alone





This feels exactly like home
I am not sure what I am meant to miss
Except the solitude and the stars every other night




The rain kisses the earth in different ways here

It does not send petrichor soaring
Throughout the atmosphere

And it does not torrentially lash at the earth

It is soft and slow
Like the softest cotton wool of the blankets
You cuddled in when you were a child


The rain kisses the earth differently
My ears perked up, I realize





The rain kissed the earth of my hometown differently
With thunder raging in the skies

I wonder if these words will reach you
Penning them down furiously
Wondering, thinking
What's your reaction?
Are you happy, exalted that I deem you
This important
Or does it even matter anymore
Brush me off, treat it with disdain
Shrug it off your shoulders
Like the burden of these words
Don't lie with you anymore

Hey,
What're you thinking?
Will these words even get to you
I don't know whether I should
Show it to you
I feel embarassed at the thought
Of this ever reaching you
And you knowing that it was about you
Would **** you
I know where you're at
Just not with me
I feel pathetic

Yes, this isn't going to reach you
I am not going to put it in a place
Where you'll know this is me
And the 'you' here is YOU

My heart fragments a bit
I feel more downcast now
I've stopped writing so furiously
Lean back a bit
Examine these words
The black, the blue

What's the point
If I don't show this to you
How will I know
Your reaction?

Today -
It is a Winter's day
But
The sun is burning so brightly
It sears my eyes
The temperature is perfect
The weather
Is reminiscent of Spring

Today -  
I buried someone
All clothed in black
And weariness

Today
*I buried myself

Lock yourself away
For another day
When you're all alone
In a crowd of strangers

Just you*
In a city unknown
With strange faces,
Strange expressions,
Strange thoughts

Save yourself for another day
When you can just let it be
No fear of being recognised
Rules over you
And your life

So you can stay
Silent, standing
Or even sitting
On *****, dismal streets

People will have the same reaction
As the place you were in before
But they won't know you

So keep yourself away
For a day
When you can be