I never expected to fall back in.
I suppose jumping is the real word, because I've always been a headfirst without thinking kind of girl.
I've always called it fearless, the words forever tattooed into my ribs, scar tissue raising so that his hands graze it when they touch me,
But oh dear God am I terrified as I make room for my things in his closet
Take a breath and store my makeup under his sink.
This is the first time in forever I can say that I wish I wasn't jumping headfirst.
I am frightened I am falling, forever the fearless female
Now a pile of lovesick mess on the living room floor I share.

All my life
I was scared of drowning.
But now,
I'm drowning in my
own fears.

S.F

Am I growing or is the world becoming smaller?
Where did I leave my childhood behind and when was it really over?
Is there a way to predict the future or does it completely depend on our choices?
Am I the one to calm my thoughts or is it out of my control?
Why did they do this to me and should I be sorry for their actions?
Do I try too hard or do I just not care enough?
Am I too less or too much?
Why did I never get to say goodbye when I knew it would happen?
What is the reason for the birds to leave south and come back again if it'll just get cold later?
How do I rescue myself before it is too late and will it ever be too late?
Did I hit rock bottom or can I continue to dig further down?
Is there a specific purpose for me in this world or are some of us perhaps not destined to anything?
Are we walking in circles or are we actually moving forward if not backwards?
Does it get better with time or do I just get better at swallowing the pain like it was bitter medicine?
Will this end and how did it even begin?
Why do the covers feel too hot but the world around me too cold?
Am I scared of monsters or people who pretend to be angels?
Do I get deceived to believe or is the feeling about this real?
Do I want to go back or is it worth to keep moving?
Am I scared or am I excited?

I don't know if there's something inside of me,
besides these bitterly sober words.
I'm falling faint, or am i just falling?
S H I T.
I have a lot of aspirations.
So much I need to do.
I need to be alive.
I need to breathe.
I need to feel normal.
I need...
A beginning to this ending feeling.

Dear Victoria,
Where did you go?
Why did you leave me?
My heart has gone cold.

Dear Mindset,
Why did you come?
You tell me I'm worthless,
Useless and dumb.

Dear Victoria,
I need you back,
Without you I do things,
My soul's turning black.

Dear Mindset,
You've changed this child,
You've broke my jawline,
And stole my smile.

Dear Victoria,
Right now, I am lost,
I'm confused, worried, doubtful,
My wrists pay the cost.

Dear Mindset,
You've ruined my life,
It was you who told me,
That salvation was in the knife.
It was you who began my now grand addiction.
   Thank you so much,
   Love Victoria x

The reality hath hit me
That today couldst be mine last day
Or tommorrow,
At least I canst sayeth
I showed love whilst I was here.
As im feeling the sickness and the pain hit me again,
I don't knoweth
What's to cometh next.....

What do I do now?
When all my obligations are over
The school bells have  rang their final tune
The cap has sailed the air flipped over
Back down into the mush
Of payments
Uncle Sam coming to collect it’s due
I want to be free to live
See those distant shores travel those far off places
And exist in the floating twilight of possibility
I am scared that my dreams will only be that...
A dream
In another life another place
With a happier me..

they say,
if something seems too good to be true,
then it usually is.

which makes me
hesitant about
the way you seem so interested in
every part of me

it makes me
so skeptical
that the stories you are sharing with me
are in fact
non-fiction

I have become
so cautious
that your words are genuine
and your intentions are indeed
pure

dare I risk
making myself vulnerable
when I have no clue
if you're like all the others