I wish I could change
The time will stop
I feel alone left in world no one understands me
I am me  this who I am
My heart bleeds I  keep going
The tears stain my skin
The hope is where the stars  shine
My cloudy day looking for my sun
I feel in moment  my heart becomes more cold
The warmth is of another
A  hand to hold as we walk
I am just complex heart looking for the warmth of another
The brick walls are there for reason

I just closed my eyes for five minutes
Now I'm dealing with moving on and vindictive *******
       This isn't it is it?
Cause I still know ******* who love me from two years ago
Back when they would try to steal my spot and I'd let it go
Any inhibition
In the kitchen cooking beef in the skillet saying **** it lets **** ****
Back when I ran the town
They still played around
While I kept **** down to a whisper
Still smoking loud
But moving in silence
Not dealing with violence but keeping blades beside me just in case they try me
Must not think highly of themselves taking a dive anywhere at all
Improvised grave sites excite me
I love watching the fall
I love watching her leave
Til she walked out of my life and said she felt relieved
Left me alcoholic beverages and bottles of Aleve
And curly hair all over me still searching for a reprieve

am I even supposed to be in love you? your thick horn-rimmed frames and curly hair never cease to leave my brain and remains engrained in my thoughts from when I first wake up, to bus rides on my way to school, coffee in the foggy afternoons, and when I lie awake at night staring at the artificial stars spread out on my ceiling. I miss you so much and I am not sure why we had never spoken before you moved but maybe it was fate that led me to finding you through the internet and let us become lovers in such a modern age. it’s easier now with our computers and iPhones yet I know that we both still crave romantic letters in swirly handwriting or ten paged typewritten letters from across the country in the back seat of a bright mustard, gypsy caravan with a peace sign engraved onto the license plate. I wish you could just easily come back instead of having to wait for opportunities to visit during school breaks, since we are constantly in town when the other is not. do you still write passages about your childhood memories and about “love” because they were equally as beautiful if not equally true. what are you thinking about when you are passing through the golden gate bridge as the window is halfway open and a vampire weekend song echoes through the car, mixing in with the sounds of the sea? do you still hold your breath in the old rainbow tunnel we used to make wishes in? or do you not even bother to try. I hope we can make things work since this love is anything but unrequited, and I am craving your freckles more than anything in the world. no, maybe even more than anything in the universe. I am going nowhere soon so come back whenever you would like before time runs out and we head our separate ways. please, for your name is starting to appear in my notebook too many times and I am madly in love with the idea of being with you, even if for only one day.

The voices of pain tourmenting him,

The voices of tempation destroying him inside and out,

The voices of his traumatised soul ripping his heart to shreds,

Images of the horrible situations of his past life,

The horrible voices of the ones who hurt him bouncing around his head

"Fight, Stay down, keep going, youre worthless, you never do anything right, youre strong, youre weak, youll never make it, save everyone, you cant even save yourself, stand strong, you will fall."

The voices that controverse eachother,

What should he follow,

Is he weak or is he strong,

Someone believes in him,

That voice of encouragement never fails him,

It always guides him right.

So many times I thought I answered
But only to see the stakes have changed
Every time I look up at him
He shoots me down to the abyss below
Where I have to crawl just to reach my goal
To find out how I can be whole
Dark and damp its cold inside
The monster that decides to hide
I fight to find, inside who I am
A Sheppard looking for his lost lambs
As if the tattoo jumped of my skin
Searching for my long lost twin
The image of me has faded away
Darkness unable to be kept at bay
Surging through me like a beam of black
My life hung up upon the plaque
The tears want to drop, I just want to cry
Why can't I find myself, WHO am I?

Are you my father?
Or is that my grandfather?
Or my step-father?

Maybe the clock? Or Darth Vader?

Maybe I am only Mother.
Maybe I am only Earth.
Only Woman.