Don't get me wrong,
I'll hold your silence
That you gave them.

It's not my noise to
Expel, knowing dams
May release a torrential
Frond that I now choose
Not to facilitate.

You needed me,
But I needed you
Much more, but
If I wasn't awake

This might be too familiar,
All the lights are on, it's my fault.
I fell asleep again, too awake,
Leaving lonely sheets to bake
In a morning light no one appreciates
We're both gone, and there's no one
Who knows your power unfolding
Across hapless subjects of your
Own design.

We will be erased.
At least to me, every new innocence broken,
Crashing against rocks of jealousy, tied to
A dock built out of false promises to myself
Begging the question, how do I begin again?

You used to call me your
"Lily of the Valley"
now I have to buy my own flowers
and put them in the broken vase
that you left behind when you were
through breaking my heart
Now I feel like "ragweed"
just run me over
with the
"lawn mower" of your deceit
I hope you run out of gas soon
my roots can't take it much longer

You had every right to ask
And no, no reason why not to
     But you couldn't have known,
     I just felt so alone
And I wanted someone to talk to.

I'm trying to get all my thoughts out
They're clogging the drain of my mind
     I don't blame you for speaking
     Yeah I'm just freaking
Out because I was blind.

'Cause I thought I could just be friendly,
And laugh and make you laugh too
     But things always happen
     When people are chatting
And that lesson is so not new.

So now that you've come out and said so
You said that you'd like to just do this;
     Now you aren't wrong,
     But I knew all along
I just wanted to pretend I was clueless.

'Cause avoiding is the name of my game here
I avoid the past, present, and future;
     I don't want to admit it
     But the way that you said it
Got my heart all caught up in my throat here.

I analyze everything two times
And then analyze it again
     And often I'm wrong,
     But it takes me so long
To realize my mistakes when

I lie to myself, so reality
Stays at what I can accept—
     There's nothing that's worse
     Than that second verse
Of a song that trips me up the steps.

I'm still getting over some feelings
That I had for someone I knew
     He dated my friend
     So there, the end
Nothing else will happen, that's truth.

So please, if you want, give me a chance
You might find that I'm less mature
     'Cause there's struggles I face
     That I would erase
If I could find a big enough eraser.

But if you took me at my word
And let me show you my faults,
     If you still wanted to,
     I'd stick here with you
And maybe try a new waltz.

Fervent on this night.
I texted too much.
I should've stopped.
I can't sleep.
But I can't let you think you won.

Circular thinking.
I'm the solution.
But you overlook
For what?

Because their legs open easier?
They don't expose your soul.

I think you want to swing
Each girl like pendulums
Back and forth. Easy as pie.
Because they think they need you.
Scared they can't do better.

I know I can do better.
I just wanted you.
Like, really wanted you.
I tried to dig the real you up
From the six feet of dirt
That you buried him in.

Typical to say I wish you loved me
Like a needle.
Like your favorite.

But you step on me
Like an unwelcome insect.
Blunt and brutal.
Short and sweet.
Like the kisses I wish you'd give me.

I'm just being a little girl.
I crush easily
As both attacker and victim.
I am as ruthless as you.
So no, this sensation isn't new.

Tiny viper in your bed sheets.
Waiting to pierce a vein
And drink every drop

Until your body is dry.
Safely removing you
From the back of my eyelids.
You don't even allow me to escape you there.

I woke up alone,
In that King Sized bed,
Panicked that you had gone.
And then I realized
You had been gone
For a long time.

The winter used to feel long.

Ecstasy was a pill
on the tip of my tongue;
a common thread I missed.

I used to walk the streets
as if I did not deserve my shadow.
The imminent falling bomb
the only reason to exist.

Sobriety was a sleight of hand

hiding in plain sight.
Paradise were the moments
where I did not have to fight.

I used to sing for love
I would never get back again.

I used to talk to God
in the absence of a friend.

The winter used to feel long.

The summers were too brief.
Turned to every medicine
for transient relief.

I broke my back for a living.

Now I drink in the sun-glass shade.
No anaesthetic; no clouded mind.
I walk the river

a thousand miles
from all I left behind.

Writing down your thoughts,
feeling deep and personal,
rereading what you wrote,
and feeling like an ******.

Erase.

New introduction,
new formation of words,
unable to write them down correctly,
cursing into the empty room.

Erase.

Sitting with your arms crossed,
huffing as you readjust in your seat,
taking a calming breathe as you try again,
realizing that all of your efforts are futile.

**Give up.

I ******* miss you.
There. I said it.
I hope you're happy to know,
if you came back,
I'd pick things right up where you left it.

the realization hits.
all of the pictures that i drew of him
of me
of us
the pile that grows day by day
the way i treat only those i hold in the highest esteem

you are my default
and with the sad knowledge of the truth
i draw your face again.