your filthy hands
           gripped on my jaw,
your grimy fingers
                      forcing my mouth open
                            treated like a dog who won't let go of a shoe
                       defiled
                  ruined
dehumanized

I sit on the rooftop
Not two feet away from the edge.
Not two feet away from a release
So sweet
I can taste candy
On my tongue.
From the Siren’s song
Playing in my head
So clearly
That I hum along.
I feel temptation’s kiss
On my lips –
So soft
Softer than any man before.
But even as I look down
At the concrete and grass below
That beckons me closer
Into their warm embrace –
I turn away.
Because the unknown
After that leap
Terrifies me more
Than tomorrow
Or the day after that.

i am broken
like a carousel off its axis;
lost,
because I have to figure out how to fix this
shattered mind
with no blueprints for what a stable one looks like;
hopeless,
in a world that shoves happiness and recovery
down my throat anyway;
someone
who lives only for the sake of others
those who mistakenly believe i can be saved;
soulless,
because for all that i feel
none of those emotions touch me
deep enough to pull me out of this void
i'm living in.
i am.
dying
and already dead inside.

i woke up sad,
wondering when will i be glad?
i saw a blade,
i cut, hoping scars will fade,

i wish i could be happy,
but i feel so ugly,
having depression is not fine,
people seeing your scars feels like
you've committed a crime,

people asking if im okay,
of course i will smile and say im okay,
people trying to help me,
******* sake, stop pretending, oh gee

i am smoking and cutting,
hoping one day i would be dying,
everytime i close my eyes,
hoping sadness flies,

i feel so alone,
all i do is frown,
everyone left,
save me from my self;

The knife slid smooth across smoother skin,
A thrilling thing, a winning sting,
Blood bubbling up like syrupy scarlet wine.
Alarm bells felt like fireworks to celebrate the first time,

“That’s dangerous!” the brain screams, eyeing the **** aghast
“It’s exciting.” the body sings, sighing dreamily and relaxing finally,
I’ve found a way out, I think, somewhere between the two.

To bleed is not to die, but certainly it holds the key,
Perhaps someday, some night in the haze of the absence of sleep,
I’ll reach for my razor and cut so deep,
That all there will be left to do is bleed and bleed and bleed

today i woke up feeling superly enraged
again, numerous of problems that i have to face
faking smiles, making strong words, so people would trust

today i woke up wishing i wasn't here, in this house
i don't know maybe somewhere else, not with this family
yelled at, cursed upon, always told me i'm lazy as ****

little do they know what i wonder at night
when i'm alone in bed, staring at the ceiling
or even during the day, basically anywhere,
"am i lazy? nah, i get things done, how am i lazy?"

little do they know how thoughts swarm my head
right after what they do and or what they say,
"i need to calm myself, what should i do?"
and then grabbing a laptop or a paper to write

you know, if i was lazy i wouldn't be grabbing anything cause i would just cry or yell at people but then again i'm not as calm as what personality tests describe me: "just like water"
yeah, you mean, "easily wrecked and one touch finishes all"

today i woke up feeling superly energized
energized to work, to do things, positively,
and then it instantly drains me, like sugar rush,
last but not least, energized to ****, who? myself

– billiondays