A soft, gentle warmth
A touch of pillowy, overly perfumed femininity
Suffocating me into serenity

Quick, slender fingers
Bandaging my every move
Warning me against standing in the rain
And quick fingers slipped under my skin

Small, frail waist
Brushes against me as we dance
And I am pulled closer reluctantly
Into estrogen and ecstasy

Full, colorful lips
That would drive anyone else crazy
But they just seem to spit the most horrid things ever said
And they seem to sentence me
(Under the blissful vow of marriage)
To a life of torture and conviction
Underneath a piercing gaze...          




    I would rather die.
  
                


              “You may now kiss the bride.”

Your words are like an arsenic drip
  slowly destroying me from the inside

Some people like being *******.
Being ******* scarred me.
Being ******* unable to stop the torture, was disturbing.
Some people will never understand this torture.

He said it was the goodbye to our relationship.
This was a goodbye no one wants.
People thought it was consensual with the marks on my neck.
They were wrong this wasn't consensual, it took my self esteem.

The ties were broken after that night.
When the ties were broken, he didn't like that.
He made different media accounts under different names to see me.
I'm proud to say I survived the ties but not many do.

Amidst the twelfth hour
When I shut my eyes
It is always you I see
Very still before me
Overwhelmed by your intriguing beauty
Distressed by your magnetic glow
Invariably my old wounds slash wide
As my sullen moods follow
I freeze at the yells
Of the sacrificed ones
And helpless witness them flood
Your antic temples
With innocent blood
Like the spinning moth
In the merciless light
The stage is set
For my untimely death
Have you drawn closer
Or is it me
Pray hurry
Torture afresh till dawn
Your victim’s ready
I won’t cry I won’t flee
Of a perfect lover and slayer
Oh Venus I swear
I could never have dreamt
Of none other than thee!

The longer that you're gone, the more I feel insane. When you come back, I'm afraid I won't be the same. I've been stabbed and strangled and I've lost all my brawn. The hair will be mangled and the teeth will be gone. The shoes will be muddy and the bruises, there's a lot. The nose will be ****** and the eyes bloodshot. Both arms out the sockets and both legs in a knot. I bought a tiny necklace locket with a pic of the man I fought. He looks like me but I assure you, he's not. This person wasn't found. For this person I have sought. But this person can't be located in any one spot. Cause this person is with me no matter where I go. This person beats me up and I'd like you all to know that this man must be... he has to be a ghost. There's no doubt about it. He steals my buttered toast. My ribs hurt, but I doubt that I'm starving. The food goes down my throat, but he still must be robbing from my intestines and the warmth from my coat is being stolen like the float from my boat and the **** from my colon. The boats float was stolen so I'm sinking in the ocean blue. I'm feeling this way because there goes the crew. The captain and the sailors have all left the scene. No more broom men left to tidy so the woods all rotten and green. I'm sinking here alone and I would like my float back. Her name is Mia, shes amazing and she keeps me on track. I love my lil float more than any lil thing. I hope she loves me back and continues to cling onto me forever in our sweet state of bliss. I end this with an "I love you" and a "I sincerely miss".

You send me gifts,
You send me cards,
You sign it with a kiss,
But this is not love.

You send me emails,
Tell me to write back,
I do yet dad never replies,
This is not love.

You belittle me,
Mock me,
Humiliate me,
This is not love.

Your words torture me,
You think its ok to hit me,
You justify your cruelty,
This is not love.

I have tried to explain,
I have never blamed you,
I needed the distance,
This is not love.

You dont listen to me,
You turn family against me,
You are ashamed of me,
This is not love.

You blame me,
You shame me,
You will never accept me,
This is not love.

You go behind my back,
Telling people you want to help,
Yet you only ever scold me,
This is not love.

You refused to listen,
Just continued to blame,
Telling me its not good enough,
This is not love.

Others have tried to tell you,
You are making me sick,
But still you will not have it,
This is not love.

Everything that happens to me,
How you would abuse me,
You can only show anger,
This is no love.

You have pushed me so far,
That i've lost my mind,
I've lost all hope,
This is not love.

I have had patience with you,
Told you I understand you,
Yet still its never enough,
This is not love.

You want me to visit,
You will pay me to visit,
Pay to make me more sick...
This is not love.

After I was assaulted,
Your anger was relentless,
The blaming, the shaming,
This is not love.

Screaming and shouting down the phone,
I was forced to listen, I had no control,
Telling me id caused so much damage, made people sick..
This is not love.

All I got from you,
Was yet more torture,
More abuse, no empathy,
This is not love.

Ever since that day Ive known,
You cannot be my mother,
I cant treat anyone like you did,
This is not love.

I cannot understand,
What it must be like,
To have zero compassion,
This is not love.

You tortured me before,
Then you tortured me more,
Now you want me to come back?
This is not love.

Mum - I do not hate you,
And I mean you no harm,
But you have caused so much damage,
This is not love.

I am certainly not perfect,
And neither are you,
But i'd never want to hurt someone,
This is not love.

You see ive studied narcissism,
Ive dedicated so much time,
Trying to understand you,
Reaching the same conclusions time again.

I know its not your fault,
I will never blame you,
But you simply will not understand,
That I cannot love you.

All you've done is prove me right,
Though for a long time I doubted myself,
You made me doubt on purpose...
Mum - this is not love.

You are a textbook narcissist,
Im sorry if you think im wrong,
You rejected my suggestion of getting help...
This is not love.

After I was *****,
I knew you'd react that way,
Yet your anger still sickens me,
It sickens me to this day.

It proved to me once and for all,
That you can never be my mother,
Maybe we could be friends one day,
But you are not my mother.

Mum we have no bond,
We never have had one,
All you've shown me is disgust,
This is not love.

Others may be on your side,
I've read up on that too,
You hurt me to your own advantage,
This cannot be love.

Im not trying to hurt you,
Disrespect you, or anyone else,
Im only now protecting myself,
For what we have...is not love.

You turned all those I love against me,
But thats what narcissists do,
Im not the only victim you know,
And I do know your love is not true.

I am sorry mum,
It is all I can say,
We both need to fix ourselves,
Then maybe we can meet someday.

But after all this abuse,
I am sorry to say,
That I do not love you,
This is not love mum, I now see clear as day.

Im tired mum
Please let me go....

Take care **