As I read our old convos and read the word "babe", uttering it loudly felt strange.
As if I haven't gotten used to it when we were together. It felt like forever.

It's been 16 months now since we parted ways.
I wonder how long will I get used to the days
of not thinking of you nor dreaming of you.

I hope that's the last stage i have to endure to forget.

I stand in front of thousands of people, and I don’t know them, but I do know you...

When I was ten years old I wanted to be in the Olympics, an athletes dream in front of millions of people I don’t know. But I know you.

I stood on the podium, a stage of glory and pride for my country, medal around my neck, as the national anthem plays through my ears I begin to remember that I was gonna be a soldier.

At 14 years old I told you I wanted a badge or a medal, a uniform to wear, and something to fight for. And here I am standing on this stage about to receive recognition for my job.

And 15 year old me standing on a stage in front of thousands of people, with a guitar strapped around my body. And I’m singing a song I wrote, and only you know why I wrote it. The secrets I don’t tell the public are told to the people I really do trust in this world.

And yet here I am on a stage in front of people I don’t know.

Do you remember? I told you that you didn’t need to be remembered by the whole world by putting your name on a star in the sky. The sky doesn’t need another star, but Earth has it’s own star with your name on it, and it’s you.

And you don’t need to be remembered by thousands of people to be happy, you just needed me to remember you when I stand here.

You asked me to never forget you if I ever became famous. And I’m not famous. But you should be, you’re the star remember. You believed in me, told me I was worth something, enough to be here on this stage. So why aren’t you here? You are worth remembering, so why don’t you want to be famous? Why don’t you want to be on stage? I have a constant fear of never being remembered and you don’t want to be that person. Why do you not want to be on this stage? I want you here. I need you here.

I stand on a stage in front of people. Most of them, I do not know. I don’t remember why I’m on the stage anymore… But I know that you’re proud of me for whatever reason that might be.

I remember saying some sort of speech to these people, and suddenly you’re here. I can see you in the crowd, and you’re smiling. You seem so happy to see me here, almost as if you were on the stage beside me. And I wish you were. But I know you don’t need to be remembered by these people, but I remember you.

And when my speech comes to a close I say this: “Thank you, to the star in life who never made it to the sky, I just want you to know in this moment. That we made it!

I have been all of them...

So,
how could they shock me?
and
how could I not understand them?

They are me
from the past -
this is for certain,

but am I them
from the future?
This is unknown,

and most likely, unlikely.

You're 1, you made it past.
You're 10, you made the pass.
You're 20, you didn't pass.
You're 30, that was your past.
You're 40, you walked past.
You're 50, you get a pass.
You're 60, you let it pass.
You're 70, you should pass.
You're 80, and now you're passed.

losing you was the beginning of finding myself
the prodigal me had finally returned home but i had been
divided equally in two
you threw your half away
you squandered your wealth in wild living
and women that were not me
i longed to fill my heart with
happiness that had once overwhelmed me
i couldn’t find healing in your hands anymore
i spent months searching for arms
i could trust again

but i couldn’t find those either

the first time i realized
i had taken half of you with me too
i was standing in the bathroom looking in a mirror
describing body parts with your name
this was the first night i took a blood red pen to my skin
and started labeling my arms as madi
my legs as madi
my stomach, my thighs, my neck
madi madi madi
mine.

its hard putting shattered pieces back together
and healing does involve hurting
it also involves recovery

if you would have asked me 12 months ago
which direction i saw my life leading
i would have never pointed you here
sometimes life has a nonsensical way of working out
you always end up where you are meant to be
you will figure this out the hardest way possible

but loving yourself will become the easiest thing that you do
eventually
time will heal all wounds
eventually
you will come home to yourself and not be disappointed
eventually
this version of me was dead and is alive again
she was lost and but i have found her

and im so happy i did

No longer a child;
not yet an adult.
It's at this time
that your emotions
are at its peak.
You see yourself
giving up
and giving in
to all the things
that aren't you
or at least you think
they are.

Sweet child,
you're still so simple.
You speak your dreams
as if they were an arm's reach.
No one tells you
the sins of humanity,
because they intend to protect
the minds of the innocent.
Those who do,
just envy you.
For you are just a sweet,
innocent child.

So pure, so innocent
To open your eyes for the first time
And taking breath in this new world
Who's thoughts are none of a sinner
Nor a saint
Not yet tainted by mankind
You crave for warmth
And your mother's loving hold
So simple, so unaware

There's a space
Inside
that's empty

In that space
Inside
I'm lonely

Reach out to me.