Caught in the landslide of memories,
feels like this spiral never ends.
Even the pain it hates me!
It creeps under and pulls me out along.

This thing inside me
can't forget, can't relate.
Never lies, never betrays,
yet I'm dying to forget!

A message from you
and my mind is spiralling
on the road of overthinking.

Wanting to embrace you
even at the risk of you deserting me
once more.

We don’t put a label on it
Because we don’t want to fit
And commit.

We keep it fun and chill;
Nothing serious
No consequences
No future
Nothing romantic
Trying to keep it platonic.

Doesn’t it sound ironic?
Because I am frantic
About you, boy.

Trying to be ice cold
Pretending we are something,
when we’re nothing.
I am losing my mind.

You play these games
Trying to make me insecure
About all these other girls.

So I play along
Because it’s love,
Maybe not long lasting
But real.

But we’re just spiraling
No end; not infinite
I guess I can not pretend
For I don’t want to be this type of girl.

I want to us to burn;
Our hearts to yearn
Our souls to learn.

I want attachment,
Security and stability.
I want it to be long lasting
And not a temporary fling

In the center gravity holds
tightly as we spiral
awaiting to enfold
ever pressed in cosmic vinyl

A vast collapse, as light is burning out
to charcoal ash. My sight can’t guarantee
a single step ahead: the irony
of eyelids open, dressing minds with doubt.
The sweetest cherry flags were shouting loud,
as if my muddled brain could hear the screams;
react to some acceptable degree,
not plunge into the spiral or blackout.

Now time is bending, blurring all too fast
to pinpoint how to cease the looming threat.
The motionless abandon of the crash
takes aid away from tests and rules I’ve set.
Now trapped down here, in torment, all I ask
is “Please can someone help me to forget?”

is there nothing left or anything more?
lifes been a wreck since you ran out the door.
never ever in my life will i love another like that,
theres only one soul mate in this life you see,
and for whatever reason she was dawned upon me .
ill always cherish those few moments close to my heart ,
even though you could care less as you tear me apart.
taking away my mental state and leaving me in solitude.
the me you knew is gone you took him with you .
thats a piece of my soul ive lost forever ,
cause i wont see you again , ever.
i say that not in hate because i know its true ,
no matter how much i loved , i didnt mean that much to you .................................................................­......................................................

everyone has scars
they don’t want others to see
including me
mine just so happen to be
written on my body

this body
holds more darkness
than the galaxies have ever seen
these hands can’t hold a thing
but scars underneath
from swimming in oceans
alone, trying to breathe

now i find myself
in deep waters again
the ever tightening gyre
pulling me back
into its cold embrace
but i find comfort in the same
gray hues of mental illness
i’ve lived in for years
its broken here
but it’s home
with cracks in the foundation
and holes punched in the walls
why have i let this become my home?

it’s become lonely here
but don’t get me wrong
i wouldn’t wish this upon anyone else
to have so much pain within
or to hate themselves enough
they want to starve and scar
their own beautiful bodies or
their own beautiful skin
why am i feeling
so numb again
?
3/31/2019