the story goes
that van gogh would eat yellow paint
in hopes that it would
put happiness inside of him –
probably the same reason
he drank absinthe.

i never understood that level of desperation –
except i painted my fingernails yellow today
in hopes that sunshine
would flow from my fingertips
instead of the torrential downpour
that i’ve made a home out of.

but it only reminds me of van gogh
and new york city
and you –
lots of starry nights

who knew you had the power
to make everything feel so grey in your wake?

if you think about it,
all of us have our own yellow paint –
something we cling to for refuge
even though we know it’s killing us, slowly,
the temporary solace feels worth it
if only for a moment

and you were mine.

- courtney l. p.

Where am I?
What path should I take?
Begin this new life waiting to die?
Or turn back...to my old world?

Am I still stable? Or am I being consumed by the chaos?
Is this truth that I’m seeing or the fabricated delusions of insanity?
Just one step away from that finite darkness.

The uncertainty and despair it snatches at my ankles and neck like chains. Pulling me towards the wall of doubt. This sour taste of fear bleeding out of my mouth. It threatens to consume me now. Truly already so lost. This bird without wings trying to fly but fatally falling from grace.

So long I’ve been staring and searching for some semblance of a savior that I’ve been tying my own noose with the false  fibers of fabrication. Can I still be saved when my soul is so barely recognizable? Covered in acid and tar from my wretched past with blatant disregard for the lives around me. This dark cloud nearly has me now.
Can I be saved?
Can I be saved?

Suddenly bursting forth in a brilliant display, the light pierces through the darkness illuminating my face like an unforeseen kiss.
Rise.
Rise.
The veil is lifted.
The chains are broken
falling like ash.
Veneration percusses my soul and through squinted eyes I can see it all.

This truth I’ve been searching for. What was always inside whispering.
Too blind to listen.
Too deaf to see.
Overcome with indescribable peace I reach for the hand of solace.
The light melting this torment and anguish from my heart.
Climbing from that blind cave of oblivion I raise my face to my rightful place in the sun.
Blindingly taken with this beauty I once withdrew from.
I am reborn.
I am reborn.

For a few brief seconds the brilliance
of the sun peeked through
Reminiscent of the few stolen moments
I got to spend loving you

In the blink of an eye the clouds shrouded the sky in shades of blue and gray
Just as quickly you reached into my soul
and tore my heart away

The azure colors are turbulent
like that of a raging sea
With winds blowing at hurricane force
To take you further and further from me

My arms stretched out wide
in endless hope and desperation
Trying with all my might to reach
towards my perceived salvation

For just a single solitary day
To bask in your glowing warmth
Secure in the comfort of your embrace
No longer tortured by the storm

How much would I sacrifice
For that one chance at redemption
Would I throw caution to the wind
Forgetting all of my apprehensions

If fortune would ever be so kind
As to rain down on this deserted shore  
Then we could live a lifetime
Captive in loves solace for evermore

You were my sunshine,
To sustain me with energy,
You were my cluster of stars,
To give me solace,
You were my moonlight,
To romance and make love.
You were the last piece of my jigsaw puzzle,
It fitted perfectly.
But, I was shattered,
My heart tore to pieces,
The wind swept away my joy with the rubble.
I had to let you go!
You left me with no choice,
My family needed me more.