I don't know since when.
This diet has began
and gone extreme.
There was once
a reasonable aim.
But a new one comes up
whenever the old was
claimed.  
Crosses over the weekdays.
Tell me how far I have gone.
But the crosses goes on,
They linger far too long.  

I was counting on my calories.
Eating portions from my lunchbox.
No more than
a quarter
I couldn't stop.
I'm sorry.
But I'm not.

Led by starvation
my ultimate downfall.
I was saving all the calories.
For a binge at a time.
Keeping in my desires.
Till it's time to dine.
No my throat is on fire.
It's getting tire and tire.
So I kept eating and
release as
I violently *****.

This is all too
disgusting.
dreadful.
disgusted am I.
Nothing have I eaten for breakfast,
lunch, tea and dinner.
Spooning out from my
kiwifruit.
No one could save me.
From my one and only solitude.

Need to be skinnier - need to slim down
Need to put that makeup on
Need to wear the clothes that fit
The ones that make me hate myself

Need to fit in - need to blend with crowds
Need to hide it all
Need to make them think it's okay
Even if it's not

Need to say NO
Need to break free
Need to forget what they say to me
I am pretty
I am fine
It's going to be okay - I won't lose my mind

NO
I won't lose my mind

I gave in
They yell at me
They call me boney
They call me a anorexic
They tore my heart
But this toilet healed it
They knocked me down
They told me to die
They said I'm no good
But my mama tell me to eat more because honey you're getting smaller!
How can you stand tall when the world shuns you down?

I dropped more today.
From the gelatinous 180 last August
To my blubbery 156
I thought this would go faster.
She told me it would.

Emily is like this corpse, you see…
How they’re always on your mind, haunting.
Her ***** stained face, flashes, like a memory
“This is where you’ll end up. Just ******* wait.”

I’m not scared. I promise.
But I don’t trust her pretty.
Not completely.



UPDATE:

I tried to ignore the urge to throw up.
But now that I gained all of my weight back,
I'm throwing caution to the wind,
going to college and
starving this fat away.

I pledge 177 to plunge to 140 by Thanksgiving.

she stands here
with her back against the wall
she helps me lock my door
when i'm crouched on all four

it's just a diet
keep it quiet
my problems lay in numbers
medical language wont help me here

leave it alone
i'll do this on my own
dont tell me it's dangerous
cuase i'm allready painless

**(c.m.h)

sweetness evades me, hiding in my stomach. being broke is not the worst, i guess.. until hunger shakes my bird bones - skinny not an issue, but weightlessly i drift to the keyboard back and again and with lazy eyes tracing the pattern provided over and over a few times more before
heart drench me
beating around in the brushfire
i stand on delicacy, shiver and stammer, foreshadow until you can't reply without stepping on my long skirts trailing
and i just woke up, i have no idea what i'm referring to anymore

your bones,

they protrude

at awkward angles,

where the veins meet your muscles.



the thick grey lines,

cast on your ivory skin,

like waves on the violent ocean surface,

the shadows from your bones.



from your collar bones,

to your ribcage,

to your hips,

to your thighs,

and to your ankles.



the lack in the amount of flesh,

the lack in the amount of muscle mass.



to me they were perfect.



your bones,

they were just

beautiful.

he liked to count his ribs
( 1 2 3 4 ...)
and brush his nails against his collarbones
(so prominent...)
his palms cupped his knobby elbows
(years to perfect...)
and the sun shone between his thighs
(lighting up his world...)

his body was so very
     a l i v e
his heart beat in
   o v e r t i m e
meanwhile, his eyes were
     d e a d .