inside this box i sit
alone
afraid
but then you arrive
and we're separated
by this box
around me
my oxygen depleting
my soul crumbling
as i watch
you
give
up

I'm not close enough
to you

This distance
is ******

We've been apart
two long
free to four or thrive

I wither with no connection
hating to hide in tense

and you keep guesses in repression

don't delve
into this lifetime
alone

This is the ending
your vows foreshadowed
you sung out
'til our story is told'
and here I am
writing the final chapter

The storms stop today
coven
give me solace
as I burst open
like a dark spell

Your last embrace
burrowed deep into my shoulder
you were trying to find ground
I looked to the ceiling
begged it to crack open
to rain down dust upon us
celestial beings to steal me away from this
horrifying outcome

From this
opening

I need a waiata
I need a war cry
I need to summon a god
across the water

You say you love me but you’re not
You say you’re going to fight and give it all you got
You say you find it hard to breathe
You say you’re mad at me but I’m the one who seethes
You say you love me but you’re not (in love with me)

          ~ Tears falling, relationship flailing, love failing… ~


You say you need a place to stay
You say you’re asking me to find another way
You say you thought about the debt
You say you’re leaving but it hasn’t happened yet
You say you need a place to stay

          ~ The time, the hurt, the pain, the drain… ~


You say you overcame the jones
You say you’ve analyzed it to the bare bones
You say you finally found the cure
You say you’re righteous, clean, happy and secure
You say you overcame the jones

          ~ Familiar lies, thin disguise, love’s demise … ~


You say you love me but you’re not
You say you’re going to fight and give it all you got
You say you find it hard to breathe
You say you’re mad at me but I’m the one who seethes
You say you love me but you’re not (in love with me)

          ~ Tears fall, relationship flails, love fails…
             Familiar lies, thin disguise, love’s demise …
             This time, this hurt, this pain, this drain…
             Time runs out… no more to gain. ~

Telephone rings
Announcing your name
Caller ID pings
This is so insane
Selfish acts of subterfuge
Leaving us both confused
Despite the tightening noose
Calling you is what I choose-
I can’t let go

“Hi, how was your day?
What’s that you say?
Have I learned by now
How to play well with others?
What? No? I don't have to bother?”
(Your words stabbing like a shiv)
“You have your own life to live
You have your own love to give-
Just not to me?”

Somber thoughts of divorce
******* all my vital force
This will be such a blow
To the people we know
As mute as a mime
Losing track of real time
Zombifying my day
Hunting for quick getaway-
But no such luck

What shall I do thus
                    ~Telephone rings

If we fail to repair us?
                    ~Announcing your name

Lament inevitable loss?
                    ~Caller ID pings

Calculate incalculable cost?
                    ~This is so insane

I’m a solid secular success
                    ~Selfish acts of subterfuge

I’m a massive mental mess
                    ~Leaving us both confused

At least the former pays the bills
                    ~Despite the tightening noose

No use in crying when milk spills-
                    ~Calling you is what I choose

What’s done is done
                    ~I can’t let go

Moments of agony, desperation
and inarticulate screams
moments I lost myself in space, alienation
don't you abandon me too, please!

There were moments that I saw death
and destruction
moments where my heart stopped for a while
to function..

All the world is spinning like crazy,
don't know what to do
while the thoughts in my head are racing
and I seem like a fool.

There is no one around here to save me
i feel alone
oh my God the demons come running across my mind, don't hate me!
to desperation I am prone,
I 'm feeling sick to the bone,
into a man I have not grown,
all I can do is shout and moan.

So I shall no longer defend
New kinds of love that you invent
Ever-changing list of demands
Keeps contradicting its own commands
After the sin quick to repent
With brief engagements in descent
Straighten all that you have bent
Amend what you're yet to amend
Letting those you left all depend
On your attention already spent
At each new encounter decadent
Your passion wasted on random men
Though fell, kept grace, that's evident
For what it's worth your growth is imminent